How To Make, And Keep, Friends
Even friends have egos that bruise, tempers that flare, pouting spells on bad day, and often a (mutual) tendency to blame. So I thought I'd brainstorm some thoughts that might keep things on an even keel when things go inadvertently wrong.
Basic: Generosity may be the key to lasting friendship.
Show gratitude for courtesies.
Don't EXPECT compliments, (And don't angle for them either.)
Admit your shortcomings readily. (They are more obvious than you think anyhow.)\
Don't stifle your friendship by listening to negatives other people say about your friend.
A necessity to be right is a tiresome trait.
An unwillingness to argue about something does not mean you agree. Listening is friendly and
usually it isn't going to be something worth yelling over anyhow..
Keep quiet when a friend says, "I told you so!"
Slightly irritating behavior grows on you over time. A proof of friendship is the approval to get it out blamelessly for sharing.
Most disagreements are merely proof that one, or both, of you are being immature.
Be first to apologize. It really won't be as painful as you expect.
Accept apologies gracefully. (And don't purse your lips or roll your eyes either.)
Don't complain about plans for the day or evening if you left it up to the friend to arrange. No one is really a mind reader.
Never greet a friend with nagging or complaining. Save that for people who can do something about whatever you are unhappy about.
Friendship will teach you more about yourself than you bargained for.
You may be surprised how well you like someone, if you let yourself.
Thursday, May 31, 2018
Monday, March 5, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Leave A Message, Epitaphically Speaking"
All of us, at one time or another, consider how we would like people to remember us. And the last chance we get at doing something positive about it is when ordering our tombstones - with our epitaphs that they will carry evermore.
Most people leave this job to next-of-kin - possibly uneasy about facing their mortality - and hope for a few words in loving memory. And sometimes that works out fine. But other times, perhaps because next-of-kin isn't thinking too clearly at that point, no epitaph is furnished, or the one given presents a mixed message, like the one inscribed by one widow, which read, "Rest in Peace...Until We Meet Again."
Think how much more interesting epitaphs could be if we put some thought in on personalized messages to those following after us, like some words of advice, some helpful philosophical commentary, or even some note on how we spent our lives. If this could be done with a sense of humor, maybe we could even help calm the fears of the unknown that facing death brings for those who still have it to face.
I've often thought, for example, that I'd like people to remember that I fought all mu life against the deterioration of the English language, both as teacher and writer. Maybe my epitaph should read, "I Have No Words Left," or, as one person who knows me well, has said, "Why not just print 'Last Word.' so you can always have the last word?"
I mentioned the idea to a cartoonist I've worked with on occasion and now he is trying to decide between two epitaphs for himself: "End Panel" (an inside term understood by such artists) or "Under new syndication".
Another friend, who has a big family to care for, so has never been able to give up a job he dislikes in order to pursue a less secure but longed-for writing career, somewhat morbidly suggested he could epitaph with "Queried, Married, Harried, Buried." If he ever makes the change, though, I thought he could change it to something like "Accepted At Last." Even though perhaps only other writers, like magazine freelancers, would understand the joy inherent in the phrase, which usually meant a check was enclosed.
These examples set me thinking of other possibilities. A centenarian might, for example, inscribe, "Life Just Tired Me Out!" A housewife might like the wry humor in "Rumor Has It I'm Just Resting."And practically any life's occupation could be mini-chronicled with wry (or awry) humor too.
As a long-time sports buff, I first thought how athletes might better be remembered. A professional baseball player, for instance, might be epitaphed, "Struck Out!" or "Thumbed Out of the Game" or even "What I Really Miss Is That Seventh Inning Stretch."
A pro football player might use "Last Down" or "Thrown For A Loss" or maybe "Traded: No Option." A minor league basketball player might use "Called Up to the Majors.".And a pro golfer might record "Finally, a Hole-In-One." A boxer? "KO'd Again!"
Don't these make you think more friendily about the deceased than merely a name and cold started and finished dates on a tombstone? They bring the reader rather a smile than a tear. And that's more the way we would all like to be remembered if we had our druthers, isn't it - laughing at death
I liked that thought so much that I got a peer group of friends to help me compose the following list of tongue-in-cheek occupational epitaphs.
FOR THE...
...secretary: "Period" or "Last Long Coffee Break" or, for the more frisky lass, "Last Lap."
...bookkeeper: "Closing the Books."
...teacher: "Vacation, At Last!" or "On Sabbatical."
...minister: "Found A Higher Calling" or "Amen Already!"
...lawyer: "Defense Rests" or "My Case Was Dismissed,"
...policeman: "10-4."
...dentist: "Just Filling Another Cavity."
...banker:"Foreclosed" or "You Can't Be More Bankrupt Than This!"
...pilot: "Changed My Wings."
...marathon runner: "I Didn't Really Train For This Distance" or "Ran Dead Last This Time."
...cowboy: "Last Roundup" or simply "Whoa!"
...miner: "Who Says You Can't Keep A Good Man Down?"
...railroad engineer: "Heading For the Terminal" or"Deadheading Home."
...train conductor: "Rerouted" or "End of the Line."
...porter: "Carrying On, As Usual."
...waiter: "This REALLY Isn't My Station" or "HE Got My Attention."
...usher: "It's All General Admission, You Know!""
,,,ticket taker: "Waiting for the Main Attraction."
...construction worker: "My Own Little Cornerstone!"
...electrician: "Short Circuited."
...union member: "Paying My Dues,"
...singer: "I Really Would Have Preferred An Encore."
...musician: "Sitting In With Gabe" or maybe just "Taps."
...actor: "Upstaged Again" or "Last Curtain" or This Is the Worst Review I've Ever Had."
...TV producer: "It's A Wrap" or "Show Cancelled."
...disc jockey: "Signing Off" or "Left Without An Exit Line."
...comedian: "This Is No Joke" or Laugh, I Tought I'd Die!"
...editor: "Final Edition" or "Deadlined."
...statistician: "Aftermath" or "Back to Basics: 3X6X6."
...undertaker: " Where's the Profit In This?"
...auctioneer: "Going! Going! GONE!"
...gambler: "Cashed In."
...travel agent" "And I Didn't Even Have to Make A Reservation."
...insurance agent: "Contract Voided."
...beautician: "Permanent?"
...shoemaker: "Beyond Repair" or "Soled Out,"
...job placement manager: "Between Jobs."
...military general: "At Ease At Last" or "So We Don't Just Fade Away After All!"
...politician: "I Really Never Touight It Would End Like This."
...elevator operator: "I Hope I Pushed the UP Button."
...columnist: "30."
....
Most people leave this job to next-of-kin - possibly uneasy about facing their mortality - and hope for a few words in loving memory. And sometimes that works out fine. But other times, perhaps because next-of-kin isn't thinking too clearly at that point, no epitaph is furnished, or the one given presents a mixed message, like the one inscribed by one widow, which read, "Rest in Peace...Until We Meet Again."
Think how much more interesting epitaphs could be if we put some thought in on personalized messages to those following after us, like some words of advice, some helpful philosophical commentary, or even some note on how we spent our lives. If this could be done with a sense of humor, maybe we could even help calm the fears of the unknown that facing death brings for those who still have it to face.
I've often thought, for example, that I'd like people to remember that I fought all mu life against the deterioration of the English language, both as teacher and writer. Maybe my epitaph should read, "I Have No Words Left," or, as one person who knows me well, has said, "Why not just print 'Last Word.' so you can always have the last word?"
I mentioned the idea to a cartoonist I've worked with on occasion and now he is trying to decide between two epitaphs for himself: "End Panel" (an inside term understood by such artists) or "Under new syndication".
Another friend, who has a big family to care for, so has never been able to give up a job he dislikes in order to pursue a less secure but longed-for writing career, somewhat morbidly suggested he could epitaph with "Queried, Married, Harried, Buried." If he ever makes the change, though, I thought he could change it to something like "Accepted At Last." Even though perhaps only other writers, like magazine freelancers, would understand the joy inherent in the phrase, which usually meant a check was enclosed.
These examples set me thinking of other possibilities. A centenarian might, for example, inscribe, "Life Just Tired Me Out!" A housewife might like the wry humor in "Rumor Has It I'm Just Resting."And practically any life's occupation could be mini-chronicled with wry (or awry) humor too.
As a long-time sports buff, I first thought how athletes might better be remembered. A professional baseball player, for instance, might be epitaphed, "Struck Out!" or "Thumbed Out of the Game" or even "What I Really Miss Is That Seventh Inning Stretch."
A pro football player might use "Last Down" or "Thrown For A Loss" or maybe "Traded: No Option." A minor league basketball player might use "Called Up to the Majors.".And a pro golfer might record "Finally, a Hole-In-One." A boxer? "KO'd Again!"
Don't these make you think more friendily about the deceased than merely a name and cold started and finished dates on a tombstone? They bring the reader rather a smile than a tear. And that's more the way we would all like to be remembered if we had our druthers, isn't it - laughing at death
I liked that thought so much that I got a peer group of friends to help me compose the following list of tongue-in-cheek occupational epitaphs.
FOR THE...
...secretary: "Period" or "Last Long Coffee Break" or, for the more frisky lass, "Last Lap."
...bookkeeper: "Closing the Books."
...teacher: "Vacation, At Last!" or "On Sabbatical."
...minister: "Found A Higher Calling" or "Amen Already!"
...lawyer: "Defense Rests" or "My Case Was Dismissed,"
...policeman: "10-4."
...dentist: "Just Filling Another Cavity."
...banker:"Foreclosed" or "You Can't Be More Bankrupt Than This!"
...pilot: "Changed My Wings."
...marathon runner: "I Didn't Really Train For This Distance" or "Ran Dead Last This Time."
...cowboy: "Last Roundup" or simply "Whoa!"
...miner: "Who Says You Can't Keep A Good Man Down?"
...railroad engineer: "Heading For the Terminal" or"Deadheading Home."
...train conductor: "Rerouted" or "End of the Line."
...porter: "Carrying On, As Usual."
...waiter: "This REALLY Isn't My Station" or "HE Got My Attention."
...usher: "It's All General Admission, You Know!""
,,,ticket taker: "Waiting for the Main Attraction."
...construction worker: "My Own Little Cornerstone!"
...electrician: "Short Circuited."
...union member: "Paying My Dues,"
...singer: "I Really Would Have Preferred An Encore."
...musician: "Sitting In With Gabe" or maybe just "Taps."
...actor: "Upstaged Again" or "Last Curtain" or This Is the Worst Review I've Ever Had."
...TV producer: "It's A Wrap" or "Show Cancelled."
...disc jockey: "Signing Off" or "Left Without An Exit Line."
...comedian: "This Is No Joke" or Laugh, I Tought I'd Die!"
...editor: "Final Edition" or "Deadlined."
...statistician: "Aftermath" or "Back to Basics: 3X6X6."
...undertaker: " Where's the Profit In This?"
...auctioneer: "Going! Going! GONE!"
...gambler: "Cashed In."
...travel agent" "And I Didn't Even Have to Make A Reservation."
...insurance agent: "Contract Voided."
...beautician: "Permanent?"
...shoemaker: "Beyond Repair" or "Soled Out,"
...job placement manager: "Between Jobs."
...military general: "At Ease At Last" or "So We Don't Just Fade Away After All!"
...politician: "I Really Never Touight It Would End Like This."
...elevator operator: "I Hope I Pushed the UP Button."
...columnist: "30."
....
Monday, February 19, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Smile Awhile: Best Jokes I've Heard This Week"
The best jokes I've heard this week are not all new, but don't stop me telling them because I want to hear those recycled ones again myself anyway. As you readers know by now, I love surprise endings.
1) There was a papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole living in a hole in the country near a farmhouse. One morning papa mole poked his head out of the hole, sniffed and said, "Mama, I smell sausages."
So mama mole poked her head out of the hole, sniffed and said, "Mmmm, and I smell pancakes too."
So baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff, but he couldn't because papa and mama moles were blocking the whole hole. And he complained, "The only thing I can small is molasses!"
2) The little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give the old lady she had seen in the park. Her mother was touched that her child was kind enough to want to share. So she gave the child the dollar.
"There you are, darling," said mama. "But isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh, yes," the girl replied, "She sells candy."
3) Jerry met the pastor at the church door after services. "You know, Reverend, I'm in a quandary. I want to attend church next Sunday, but I just can't miss the big game. You understand, don't you?" "But, Jerry," the pastor remonstrated, "don't you know that's what DVRs are for?"
A big smile lit up Jerry's face. "You mean I can record your sermon?"
4) My neighbor was talking to her four-year old daughter, Amy, about a group of relatives from Wisconsin, who were going to visit them. Amy, remembering a previous visit, complained about their accent, saying she couldn't understand them, that they talked as though their noses were plugged up.
"Well, they think we talk funny, that we have an accent too," answered her mother. "Everyone from different places talk in different ways. They think we talk funny, too, that we talk very slow with all our words drawn way out."
Amy's eyes got big and she said she understood. "You mean they hear funny too?"
5) A flight attendant, during a cross-country flight about 50 minutes outbound from Los Angeles, nervously announced, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard today and only 40 dinners to serve."
When the passengers' muttering had died down enough for her to continue, she added, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his or her meal for someone else will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
An hour later she made another announcement. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
6) As happens eventually in all families, the small boy was asking his father how people came to be. After a pause to gather his lines,the dad said,"There was Adam and Eve to begin with, and they had babies, and their children grew up and had babies, just like today."
That didn't jibe with what a neighbor boy had told him, so he went to his mother and asked the same question.
"We were all monkeys,"mom said and we evolved to become the humans we are today."
Still questing, the boy returned to his father and complained, "You lied to me. Mom said we were from monkeys, not Adam and Eve."
Yes,"tiredly explained dad, "but your mother was talking about her side of the family."
1) There was a papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole living in a hole in the country near a farmhouse. One morning papa mole poked his head out of the hole, sniffed and said, "Mama, I smell sausages."
So mama mole poked her head out of the hole, sniffed and said, "Mmmm, and I smell pancakes too."
So baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff, but he couldn't because papa and mama moles were blocking the whole hole. And he complained, "The only thing I can small is molasses!"
2) The little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give the old lady she had seen in the park. Her mother was touched that her child was kind enough to want to share. So she gave the child the dollar.
"There you are, darling," said mama. "But isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh, yes," the girl replied, "She sells candy."
3) Jerry met the pastor at the church door after services. "You know, Reverend, I'm in a quandary. I want to attend church next Sunday, but I just can't miss the big game. You understand, don't you?" "But, Jerry," the pastor remonstrated, "don't you know that's what DVRs are for?"
A big smile lit up Jerry's face. "You mean I can record your sermon?"
4) My neighbor was talking to her four-year old daughter, Amy, about a group of relatives from Wisconsin, who were going to visit them. Amy, remembering a previous visit, complained about their accent, saying she couldn't understand them, that they talked as though their noses were plugged up.
"Well, they think we talk funny, that we have an accent too," answered her mother. "Everyone from different places talk in different ways. They think we talk funny, too, that we talk very slow with all our words drawn way out."
Amy's eyes got big and she said she understood. "You mean they hear funny too?"
5) A flight attendant, during a cross-country flight about 50 minutes outbound from Los Angeles, nervously announced, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard today and only 40 dinners to serve."
When the passengers' muttering had died down enough for her to continue, she added, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his or her meal for someone else will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
An hour later she made another announcement. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
6) As happens eventually in all families, the small boy was asking his father how people came to be. After a pause to gather his lines,the dad said,"There was Adam and Eve to begin with, and they had babies, and their children grew up and had babies, just like today."
That didn't jibe with what a neighbor boy had told him, so he went to his mother and asked the same question.
"We were all monkeys,"mom said and we evolved to become the humans we are today."
Still questing, the boy returned to his father and complained, "You lied to me. Mom said we were from monkeys, not Adam and Eve."
Yes,"tiredly explained dad, "but your mother was talking about her side of the family."
Friday, February 2, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Dog Persons' Thoughts"
"A dog is not a person's whole life, but a dog makes a person's life whole." That's a quote I picked up by Roger Caras that I think does man's best friend justice.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than it loves itself. --Josh Billings
Another quoted truism by a dog person, Ben Williams, is "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." I know that first-hand.
A dog also, of course, teaches a boy, according to humorist Robert Benchley, fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Sue Murphy adds: "Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
An unnamed writer in a Saturday Evening Post (July/August 2006) piece titled "It's A Dog's World," that came into my hands recently when my local library was cleaning out shelf space, had an epiphany I think quoting various celebrities presenting interesting thoughts about their dogs.
Let's lead off with Holbrook Jackson's over-the-top, "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Ann Landers, in her column, once expressed a different opinion: "Don't accept your dogs' admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amused contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck
Dereke Bruce: "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Ann Tyler: Ever consider what they think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we are the greatest hunters on earth."
Christopher Morley: "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
That's refuted by comedienne Fran Lebouvitz with this: "No animal should ever jump up onto the living room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than it loves itself. --Josh Billings
Another quoted truism by a dog person, Ben Williams, is "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." I know that first-hand.
A dog also, of course, teaches a boy, according to humorist Robert Benchley, fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Sue Murphy adds: "Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
An unnamed writer in a Saturday Evening Post (July/August 2006) piece titled "It's A Dog's World," that came into my hands recently when my local library was cleaning out shelf space, had an epiphany I think quoting various celebrities presenting interesting thoughts about their dogs.
Let's lead off with Holbrook Jackson's over-the-top, "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Ann Landers, in her column, once expressed a different opinion: "Don't accept your dogs' admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amused contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck
Dereke Bruce: "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Ann Tyler: Ever consider what they think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we are the greatest hunters on earth."
Christopher Morley: "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
That's refuted by comedienne Fran Lebouvitz with this: "No animal should ever jump up onto the living room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
Humor writer Dave Barry: "You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right. I never would have thought of that.'"
(Barry is also the one who has said, "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.")
My dog barks regularly when sighting the poodle down the street. Rita Rudner has a thought on such occurrence: "Maybe he thinks poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
My father when I was 14; "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
Me, also at 14: "Anyone who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog. And, if you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them."
"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." --Mark Twain
"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." --Mark Twain
James Thurber: "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to Heaven and very, very few persons."
Monday, January 29, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Why A Dog Is A Better Companion For You Than A Girfriend"
One of the reasons dogs are so popular is they always wag their tails instead of their tongues. That leads me to think that maybe the world would be better off if everyone had tails to let you know how they are feeling! But that is hardly the only reason dogs make better companions than girlfriends, according to a compilation from a recent male-only bull session I attended. Read on.
The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
You never have to wait for your dog. It is ready to go whenever you are, day or night.
Your dog understands that instinct trumps asking for directions every time.
Your dog will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Or even if you call it by another dog's name.
Your dog never expects gifts, even on Valentine's Day. They have no use for cards, flowers or jewelry.
Your dog won't cry unless it needs to go out to pee.
A dog loves it when your friends come over for a noisy bit of horseplay.
Dogs also like beer, and handle it about as well as you do.
Your dog would rather sit and drool while you fix it a hamburger patty than go our for a lobster dinner.
Your dog thinks your singing is great...and may even join in to promote harmony..
Your dog likes stuff srewn around on the floor, and never worries about germs.
Your dog understands that one has to raise one's voice on occasion to get one's point across.
Your dog won't "borrow" your sweaters or shirts and leave them with makeup on them.
Your dog is never going to add 50 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Your dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
Your dog's parents never visit.
And, addition to all that, anyone can get a good looking dog!
The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
You never have to wait for your dog. It is ready to go whenever you are, day or night.
Your dog understands that instinct trumps asking for directions every time.
Your dog will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Or even if you call it by another dog's name.
Your dog never expects gifts, even on Valentine's Day. They have no use for cards, flowers or jewelry.
Your dog won't cry unless it needs to go out to pee.
A dog loves it when your friends come over for a noisy bit of horseplay.
Dogs also like beer, and handle it about as well as you do.
Your dog would rather sit and drool while you fix it a hamburger patty than go our for a lobster dinner.
Your dog thinks your singing is great...and may even join in to promote harmony..
Your dog likes stuff srewn around on the floor, and never worries about germs.
Your dog understands that one has to raise one's voice on occasion to get one's point across.
Your dog won't "borrow" your sweaters or shirts and leave them with makeup on them.
Your dog is never going to add 50 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Your dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
Your dog's parents never visit.
And, addition to all that, anyone can get a good looking dog!
Friday, January 19, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: ""I Want To Talk About Sex>"Sex."
When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one one of those too!"
Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like and stood there with a grin on his face.
"No. You don't understand," I tried to explain. "I've had Sex since I was nine years old!"
He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
"When I got married, and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He told me I didn't need a special room for sex, that he didn't care what we did as long as we paid our bill.'
"I tried to explain to him that the problem was that Sex kept me awake at night."
The clerk grinned and replied, "Funny, but I have that same problem!" But he assigned us an other room.
Next day I entered Sex in a show being held in town. But during his morning run he got loose and last seen was chasing a squirrel across a street full of traffic. I was left standing, undecided what to do. Another contestant asked me why I was looking so angry. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the show.
"Wow," he exclaims. If you sell tickets, you ought to clean up!"
"But you don;t understand," I added, "I want to have Sex on TV."
"I don't see you as the type," he replies. "Besides, that's no big deal anymore. They already have a lot of that on Cable."
My wife didn't understand all the time I spent with my dog so, eventually we seperated. We went to court, where I made sure to announce i wanted custody. I told the judge, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
"The court is not a confessional," he replied."Please stick to the facts of the case."
"But my wife didn't even care when Sex left me," I added. "When Sex left me again last night I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop stopped me and asked what I was doing in an alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I told him I was just looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
(This was reprinted by request in Dear Abby's column, but this slightly revised version is offered here for all you readers who missed it both times. I hope you're happy I've savored it for you!)
Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like and stood there with a grin on his face.
"No. You don't understand," I tried to explain. "I've had Sex since I was nine years old!"
He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
"When I got married, and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He told me I didn't need a special room for sex, that he didn't care what we did as long as we paid our bill.'
"I tried to explain to him that the problem was that Sex kept me awake at night."
The clerk grinned and replied, "Funny, but I have that same problem!" But he assigned us an other room.
Next day I entered Sex in a show being held in town. But during his morning run he got loose and last seen was chasing a squirrel across a street full of traffic. I was left standing, undecided what to do. Another contestant asked me why I was looking so angry. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the show.
"Wow," he exclaims. If you sell tickets, you ought to clean up!"
"But you don;t understand," I added, "I want to have Sex on TV."
"I don't see you as the type," he replies. "Besides, that's no big deal anymore. They already have a lot of that on Cable."
My wife didn't understand all the time I spent with my dog so, eventually we seperated. We went to court, where I made sure to announce i wanted custody. I told the judge, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
"The court is not a confessional," he replied."Please stick to the facts of the case."
"But my wife didn't even care when Sex left me," I added. "When Sex left me again last night I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop stopped me and asked what I was doing in an alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I told him I was just looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
(This was reprinted by request in Dear Abby's column, but this slightly revised version is offered here for all you readers who missed it both times. I hope you're happy I've savored it for you!)
R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: "Best Joke I've Heard This Week:
A news photographer called the local airport on his cellphone to charter a flight to cover a hillside fire. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
On arrival, he spotted a plane warming up, hurried over to it, tossed his camera gear in and jumped in, slamming the door shut and yelling, "I'm set. Let's go."
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. With the wind blowing crosswise the ascent was a bit bumpy. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley in low passes" so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"So I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides. I'm a news photographer and we need some good shots for tonight's TV news."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally stammering, "So what you're telling me is that you're NOT my flight instructor?"
On arrival, he spotted a plane warming up, hurried over to it, tossed his camera gear in and jumped in, slamming the door shut and yelling, "I'm set. Let's go."
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. With the wind blowing crosswise the ascent was a bit bumpy. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley in low passes" so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"So I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides. I'm a news photographer and we need some good shots for tonight's TV news."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally stammering, "So what you're telling me is that you're NOT my flight instructor?"
Thursday, December 28, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's DOG DOGMA: Christmas Doesn't Have to Be "Just Another Day" For Our Dogs"
To show that most dog owners tend to share Christmas with their pets it has been discovered that 73% of pet owners have signed a greeting card from their dog.
So it is only logical that we, the dog's companion and helpmate, would be interested in any study of doggie noises as he tries to talk to us, right? Luckily, Japanese researchers analyzed many thousands of woofs, wails and growls to develop a gadget called the Bow Lingual, which translates a dog's utterances into one of 200 phrases on a hand-held monitor. I first saw it advertised in 2003, but have never seen it in any pet shop I've frequented, even though it was said to be in U.S. shops at that time (but never mentioned which shops or where).
This would be a handy gadget, though my companion is a Basenji and the breed doesn't bark. But, since mine is a not-apparent mix he does bark. He also sits and yodels on hearing any siren. He barks only to get his messages across and he is very good at it. As a watchdog he leaves nothing to an intruder's imagination with his challenge. When he wants into the house he sits in front of a window and barks once, short and sharp. If he wants attention, he stands directly in front of me, ears alert and stares expectantly into my face, and does it until I notice and ask him "What?" He will than go to the door, to go out, or the kitchen, for food, or the coat rack, which holds his collar and leash for daily walks. In short he has beaten this handicap of non-speech with logic and patience. Most dogs will do the same if we but pay attention. But it would still be nice to have one of those Bow Linguals!
Another item I've noted that might be handy, though the notice was only a U.S. Patent Office number (6871616). It was a combination leash and umbrella, for people who hate wet hair smell coming into the house.
Even handier might be the illustrated hard-cover book and accompanying CD, titled "Relaxation Music for Your Dog", composed by the japan School of Music Therapy. The CD features friendly frequencies designed to calm your dog; the book is filled with "adorable" dog photos and "memorable "quotes. (Dog Recreation Pack, The Music Sales Group, $14.95).
For those, like Daniel Keeton, who like to include their dog in the celebration, there is Dawg Grog, which Daniel, who works in Bend, Oregon's Boneyard Brewery, has concocted from spent grain and vegetable broth. It sells at the Visit Bend Store. Perhaps not so surprisingly this isn't the only dog grog being marketed. The other has been created by a Dutch pet shop owner who ljust wanted to have drinks with his Wleimeraner after hunts. But the date on the clipping where I saw it was January 2007, so you may have to Google it if you too want to drink with your dog.
If this pastime overlaps with football season, think about getting your dog a replica football stadium bed - $60 to $80. Much more comfortable than just curling up beside your easy chair. I don't know where they are sold, but I saw one in Sports Illustrated Magazine, Dec. 2014 issue.
Dog food companies have, for some years now, kept track of hotels and motels that welcome travelers with their pets. Just contact them for listings.
Just as handy to have would be a list of toxic plants for dogs. Contact aspco.org/toxic plants..
Pet-friendly airlines - Pet Airways, based in Delray Beach, Florida, and operating out of Washington, New York, Denver, Chicago and Los Angeles basically - likewise enjoined traveler-dog convenience. Seats have room for 50 dog and cat carriers, which are checked every 15 minutes by an attendant. Much better than shipping pets in cargo planes, where they could be exposed to temperature extremes, poor ventilation and rough handling! One-way fares vary from $150 to $400, depending upon dog size and destination. Google www.pet airways.com.
Of course you are going to give gifts to your dog too, so look at some niftys my dog has nosed with interest during shopping tours.
How about a Bubble Ball? It speaks to your dog as he plays with it. I have no idea what it says: "Easy,boy!", "Good hit, but put more spin on it", "Ten more mnutes of your exercise time remaining"? (Pet Querks for $8.99.)
Another talking item is eTag's digital Dog-e-Tag ($39.95 by phoning 866-364-3824). Get up to 40 lines of info on the e-Tag, like "Go home now!" or "Dinner time," or even "Get away from that hussy of a Poodle."
And then there is the Flying Squirrel, a squirrel your dog can finally catch! It's a squared-off furry Frisbee. Sells for $8.95 to $12.95 if your pet store has them.
So it is only logical that we, the dog's companion and helpmate, would be interested in any study of doggie noises as he tries to talk to us, right? Luckily, Japanese researchers analyzed many thousands of woofs, wails and growls to develop a gadget called the Bow Lingual, which translates a dog's utterances into one of 200 phrases on a hand-held monitor. I first saw it advertised in 2003, but have never seen it in any pet shop I've frequented, even though it was said to be in U.S. shops at that time (but never mentioned which shops or where).
This would be a handy gadget, though my companion is a Basenji and the breed doesn't bark. But, since mine is a not-apparent mix he does bark. He also sits and yodels on hearing any siren. He barks only to get his messages across and he is very good at it. As a watchdog he leaves nothing to an intruder's imagination with his challenge. When he wants into the house he sits in front of a window and barks once, short and sharp. If he wants attention, he stands directly in front of me, ears alert and stares expectantly into my face, and does it until I notice and ask him "What?" He will than go to the door, to go out, or the kitchen, for food, or the coat rack, which holds his collar and leash for daily walks. In short he has beaten this handicap of non-speech with logic and patience. Most dogs will do the same if we but pay attention. But it would still be nice to have one of those Bow Linguals!
Another item I've noted that might be handy, though the notice was only a U.S. Patent Office number (6871616). It was a combination leash and umbrella, for people who hate wet hair smell coming into the house.
Even handier might be the illustrated hard-cover book and accompanying CD, titled "Relaxation Music for Your Dog", composed by the japan School of Music Therapy. The CD features friendly frequencies designed to calm your dog; the book is filled with "adorable" dog photos and "memorable "quotes. (Dog Recreation Pack, The Music Sales Group, $14.95).
For those, like Daniel Keeton, who like to include their dog in the celebration, there is Dawg Grog, which Daniel, who works in Bend, Oregon's Boneyard Brewery, has concocted from spent grain and vegetable broth. It sells at the Visit Bend Store. Perhaps not so surprisingly this isn't the only dog grog being marketed. The other has been created by a Dutch pet shop owner who ljust wanted to have drinks with his Wleimeraner after hunts. But the date on the clipping where I saw it was January 2007, so you may have to Google it if you too want to drink with your dog.
If this pastime overlaps with football season, think about getting your dog a replica football stadium bed - $60 to $80. Much more comfortable than just curling up beside your easy chair. I don't know where they are sold, but I saw one in Sports Illustrated Magazine, Dec. 2014 issue.
Dog food companies have, for some years now, kept track of hotels and motels that welcome travelers with their pets. Just contact them for listings.
Just as handy to have would be a list of toxic plants for dogs. Contact aspco.org/toxic plants..
Pet-friendly airlines - Pet Airways, based in Delray Beach, Florida, and operating out of Washington, New York, Denver, Chicago and Los Angeles basically - likewise enjoined traveler-dog convenience. Seats have room for 50 dog and cat carriers, which are checked every 15 minutes by an attendant. Much better than shipping pets in cargo planes, where they could be exposed to temperature extremes, poor ventilation and rough handling! One-way fares vary from $150 to $400, depending upon dog size and destination. Google www.pet airways.com.
Of course you are going to give gifts to your dog too, so look at some niftys my dog has nosed with interest during shopping tours.
How about a Bubble Ball? It speaks to your dog as he plays with it. I have no idea what it says: "Easy,boy!", "Good hit, but put more spin on it", "Ten more mnutes of your exercise time remaining"? (Pet Querks for $8.99.)
Another talking item is eTag's digital Dog-e-Tag ($39.95 by phoning 866-364-3824). Get up to 40 lines of info on the e-Tag, like "Go home now!" or "Dinner time," or even "Get away from that hussy of a Poodle."
And then there is the Flying Squirrel, a squirrel your dog can finally catch! It's a squared-off furry Frisbee. Sells for $8.95 to $12.95 if your pet store has them.
Friday, December 15, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's DOG DOGMA: New Year's Resolutions I'm Suggesting to My Dog
I won't challenge the garbage collector any more. I've learned he is not stealing our stuff.
I will shake the snow off BEFORE entering the living room and jumping on the sofa.
I will no longer come into the bedroom, after outdoor ablutions are completed, and stick my cold nose under the covers on mistress's bare back.
I promise to cease playing tug-of-war with the master's underwear while he is on the toilet.
Nor will I play with the wash on the laundry line, no matter how evocatively the wind plays with it. (Though it beats me how the mistress can pass up such great fun,)
I will try to remember the sound of a can opener is not a call for me, and that my head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I must remember that kitty box crunchies are not food. They don't eliminate easily.
I promise not to eat the cat's food, either before or after they eat it.
And I'll remember that the diaper pail is not a water dish, nor a cookie jar.
I will stop being so particular and not use a clean place on the carpet whenever I have to throw up.
I will continue to inspect, but not roll on, dead fish we come across in our walks along the river.
I definitely will not throw up in the car. The master has threatened "NO more car rides!"
I will try to remember not to stand up while lying under the coffee table while mistress is pouring coffee for the ladies.
I'm going to stop barking every time there is a doorbell rung on the TV. I was finally told we don't have a doorbell.)
I will not roll my squeak toys under the daveno or the fridg. (The mistress doesn't clean under there very well so they don't taste good when I get them back.)
I will take time from my busy walks to smell the behinds.
I must not lick mistress's face after nosing pigeon poop.
I will cease chewing crayons. Last time the master thought I was hemorrhaging and was ready to take me to the vet.
While on a drive I will try not to drool along the side of the car when I have my head out the widow.
I won't ever again bite the officer's hand when he reaches into the car for mistress's driver's license and registration. Turns out mistress can be wrong on occasion!
I will shake the snow off BEFORE entering the living room and jumping on the sofa.
I will no longer come into the bedroom, after outdoor ablutions are completed, and stick my cold nose under the covers on mistress's bare back.
I promise to cease playing tug-of-war with the master's underwear while he is on the toilet.
Nor will I play with the wash on the laundry line, no matter how evocatively the wind plays with it. (Though it beats me how the mistress can pass up such great fun,)
I will try to remember the sound of a can opener is not a call for me, and that my head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I must remember that kitty box crunchies are not food. They don't eliminate easily.
I promise not to eat the cat's food, either before or after they eat it.
And I'll remember that the diaper pail is not a water dish, nor a cookie jar.
I will stop being so particular and not use a clean place on the carpet whenever I have to throw up.
I will continue to inspect, but not roll on, dead fish we come across in our walks along the river.
I definitely will not throw up in the car. The master has threatened "NO more car rides!"
I will try to remember not to stand up while lying under the coffee table while mistress is pouring coffee for the ladies.
I'm going to stop barking every time there is a doorbell rung on the TV. I was finally told we don't have a doorbell.)
I will not roll my squeak toys under the daveno or the fridg. (The mistress doesn't clean under there very well so they don't taste good when I get them back.)
I will take time from my busy walks to smell the behinds.
I must not lick mistress's face after nosing pigeon poop.
I will cease chewing crayons. Last time the master thought I was hemorrhaging and was ready to take me to the vet.
While on a drive I will try not to drool along the side of the car when I have my head out the widow.
I won't ever again bite the officer's hand when he reaches into the car for mistress's driver's license and registration. Turns out mistress can be wrong on occasion!
Thursday, November 16, 2017
R. Loeffelbeins whatchama column: "The Continuing Evolution of Language:
It 's been said "language evolves organically", but individuals have created languages of their own, hoping to devise a universal tongue by which all cultures might communicate. This doesn't include such fads as Pig Latin and Double Dutch, which I remember as early childhood attempts at coding language so as to foil parental understanding. I have no idea how or when or where either of those got started, though both are just complex enough not to have been invented by the children who favored them.
On the other hand, we have Volapuk and Esperanto.
Volapuk (properly spelled with an umlaut over the u) was devised in 1879 by a German priest named Johann Martin Schleyer. He claimed the idea came from a vision of the Tower of Babel and a little divine inspiration.
Esperanto was introduced by L.I. Zamenhof in 1887. From it came a language called Ido (the Esperanto word for "child") and another called Interlingua.
Also in the 1800s a poet and minister, named William Barnes, attacked the English language, trying to make it "Englisher". He wondered what the English language would look like if it was stripped of all Latin and Greek "root" words. (Check your dictionary to be surprised how many there are!) Some of his substitute words, produced in his "Pure English" dictionary, made perfect sense while others produced chuckles and still others needed translating for understanding.
The substitute word for "photograph", from Greek words meaning "light" and "writing", he thought should be "sunprint". That makes sense. See what you make of some of his other substitutes.
Anniversary would become "year-day".
Affirmative would become "ayesome".
Alienate - "unfrenden".
Botany - "wortlore".
Conscience - "inwit".
Contrary - "thwartsome".
Democracy - "folkdom".
Divisible- "sundersome".
Dictionary - "word-book".
Negative - "naysome".
Opposites - "overthwartings".
Quality - "suchness".
Quantity - "muchness".
We often don't realize that many words we use are 100 years old, like the above. For example, here is a little surprising list Reader's Digest compiled that date back to 1917: advertorial, chowhound, cootie, gaga, lounge lizard, pep pill and even the abbreviation OMG!
Since then the sciences have probably coined the most new words. And the military has likewise been word-active. But the most useful general usage words have probably come from authors and writers for newspapers and magazines. Just to remind you of some you've probably forgotten the birth of Reader's Digest has come to our aid again.
"Nerd" came from Dr. Seuse in the 1950s when he named one of his oddlball creatures that in "If I Ran the Zoo". "Twitter", long before Google utilized it, came from Geoffrey Chaucer, indicating someone "carping continually". "Yahoos", likewise, did not originate with Google, but with Jonathan Swift in "Gulliver's Travels", though the term then indicated "the dregs of humankind". "Flummox" came from Charles Dickens' "Pickwick Papers" and "boredom" from his "Bleak House". John Milton coined "pandemonium" in "Paradise Lost", H.G. Wells first used "atom bomb" in his 1914 novel "The World Set Free", and Lewis Carroll invented "chortle" and "galumph" in his nonsense poem "Jabberwocky".
And new words keep coming after all this time. One I love is "tyrunt", indicating a child who bosses everyone around. A useful term in our burgeoning digital world is "fidgetal", indicating one continually fidgeting with his phone or whatever. Both are borne courtesy of Lizzie Skurnick in "That Should Be A Word".
Reddit.com offers the term "cellfie" to replace "mug shot" and "dogtor" for "veterinarian". Jennifer Braunschweiger, in a piece titled "Lessons In Beauty" in Fast Company Magazine (April 2017), came up with "incentivizing", meaning rewarding loyal customers by varied means. And Gary Hallock, who has been producing and hosting the O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships for 26 years, termed competitors "punslingers".
Now, to put all the foregoing into perspective, the Webster's Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary I have used since 1996 - thus already 21 years old - encompasses 2229 pages. What is it going to look like in another 20 years?
On the other hand, we have Volapuk and Esperanto.
Volapuk (properly spelled with an umlaut over the u) was devised in 1879 by a German priest named Johann Martin Schleyer. He claimed the idea came from a vision of the Tower of Babel and a little divine inspiration.
Esperanto was introduced by L.I. Zamenhof in 1887. From it came a language called Ido (the Esperanto word for "child") and another called Interlingua.
Also in the 1800s a poet and minister, named William Barnes, attacked the English language, trying to make it "Englisher". He wondered what the English language would look like if it was stripped of all Latin and Greek "root" words. (Check your dictionary to be surprised how many there are!) Some of his substitute words, produced in his "Pure English" dictionary, made perfect sense while others produced chuckles and still others needed translating for understanding.
The substitute word for "photograph", from Greek words meaning "light" and "writing", he thought should be "sunprint". That makes sense. See what you make of some of his other substitutes.
Anniversary would become "year-day".
Affirmative would become "ayesome".
Alienate - "unfrenden".
Botany - "wortlore".
Conscience - "inwit".
Contrary - "thwartsome".
Democracy - "folkdom".
Divisible- "sundersome".
Dictionary - "word-book".
Negative - "naysome".
Opposites - "overthwartings".
Quality - "suchness".
Quantity - "muchness".
We often don't realize that many words we use are 100 years old, like the above. For example, here is a little surprising list Reader's Digest compiled that date back to 1917: advertorial, chowhound, cootie, gaga, lounge lizard, pep pill and even the abbreviation OMG!
Since then the sciences have probably coined the most new words. And the military has likewise been word-active. But the most useful general usage words have probably come from authors and writers for newspapers and magazines. Just to remind you of some you've probably forgotten the birth of Reader's Digest has come to our aid again.
"Nerd" came from Dr. Seuse in the 1950s when he named one of his oddlball creatures that in "If I Ran the Zoo". "Twitter", long before Google utilized it, came from Geoffrey Chaucer, indicating someone "carping continually". "Yahoos", likewise, did not originate with Google, but with Jonathan Swift in "Gulliver's Travels", though the term then indicated "the dregs of humankind". "Flummox" came from Charles Dickens' "Pickwick Papers" and "boredom" from his "Bleak House". John Milton coined "pandemonium" in "Paradise Lost", H.G. Wells first used "atom bomb" in his 1914 novel "The World Set Free", and Lewis Carroll invented "chortle" and "galumph" in his nonsense poem "Jabberwocky".
And new words keep coming after all this time. One I love is "tyrunt", indicating a child who bosses everyone around. A useful term in our burgeoning digital world is "fidgetal", indicating one continually fidgeting with his phone or whatever. Both are borne courtesy of Lizzie Skurnick in "That Should Be A Word".
Reddit.com offers the term "cellfie" to replace "mug shot" and "dogtor" for "veterinarian". Jennifer Braunschweiger, in a piece titled "Lessons In Beauty" in Fast Company Magazine (April 2017), came up with "incentivizing", meaning rewarding loyal customers by varied means. And Gary Hallock, who has been producing and hosting the O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships for 26 years, termed competitors "punslingers".
Now, to put all the foregoing into perspective, the Webster's Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary I have used since 1996 - thus already 21 years old - encompasses 2229 pages. What is it going to look like in another 20 years?
Thursday, November 9, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Smile Awhile With Me"
I love well crafted jokes. And these I have collected are so crafted they appear to be short-short stories, with surprise endings.
John, fresh out of college with high grades in accounting courses, went for interview for a well-paying job. The interview went well, consisting of questions about both his background and his education. One final question was "What is three times seven?"
"22," quickly replied a surprised John. The interviewer sadly shook his head.
John, once outside the interview room, checked his calculator and frowned, knowing he wouldn't get the job.
But a week later he received a call telling him he was hired for the job. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, he joyfully accepted and said he would report for work the next day.
When he got to work the next day, he had to ask how he had gotten the job after getting such a simple question wrong.
His new boss shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, you were the closest!"
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche Turbo in front of his office to show it off to colleagues. As he reached to open the door to embark a truck came barreling down the street, weaved toward the car and tore the door off.
Fortunately, a police cruiser saw the accident and pulled up behind the ravaged Porsche. Before the cop could ask a single question the lawyer was in his face screaming about his new Porsche being wrecked and the truck not even stopping. As he finally wound down, the cop held up a hand to stop the torrent .
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, shaking his head. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't think of the more important things "
"How can you say such a thing?" yelled the lawyer
"Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing, along with the door?" the cop answered in disbelief.
The lawyer glanced down and screamed, "Oh, my God! My Rolex!"
A big-shot businessman, who had to spend a couple days in the hospital, was a royal pain to the nurses. He bossed them around just as he did his employees. Only the head nurse could stand up to him. She walked into his room and told him she had to take his temperature. He grumbled and crossed his arms, but opened his mouth.
"Sorry," the nurse said. "But for this reading I can't use an oral thermometer."
He grumbled some more, but turned onto his stomach and bared his backside. After inserting the thermometer the nurse said, "I have to get something. You stay still until I get back."
She must have left the door open on her way out and he cursed under his breath as he heard people laughing as they passed by his door.
Eventually the doctor noticed the open door and came in. "What's going on?" he asked.
"Can't you tell when someone is having their temperature taken?" the patient growled.
After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, of course, but never with a daffodil!"
You DID smile, didn't you?)
John, fresh out of college with high grades in accounting courses, went for interview for a well-paying job. The interview went well, consisting of questions about both his background and his education. One final question was "What is three times seven?"
"22," quickly replied a surprised John. The interviewer sadly shook his head.
John, once outside the interview room, checked his calculator and frowned, knowing he wouldn't get the job.
But a week later he received a call telling him he was hired for the job. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, he joyfully accepted and said he would report for work the next day.
When he got to work the next day, he had to ask how he had gotten the job after getting such a simple question wrong.
His new boss shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, you were the closest!"
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche Turbo in front of his office to show it off to colleagues. As he reached to open the door to embark a truck came barreling down the street, weaved toward the car and tore the door off.
Fortunately, a police cruiser saw the accident and pulled up behind the ravaged Porsche. Before the cop could ask a single question the lawyer was in his face screaming about his new Porsche being wrecked and the truck not even stopping. As he finally wound down, the cop held up a hand to stop the torrent .
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, shaking his head. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't think of the more important things "
"How can you say such a thing?" yelled the lawyer
"Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing, along with the door?" the cop answered in disbelief.
The lawyer glanced down and screamed, "Oh, my God! My Rolex!"
A big-shot businessman, who had to spend a couple days in the hospital, was a royal pain to the nurses. He bossed them around just as he did his employees. Only the head nurse could stand up to him. She walked into his room and told him she had to take his temperature. He grumbled and crossed his arms, but opened his mouth.
"Sorry," the nurse said. "But for this reading I can't use an oral thermometer."
He grumbled some more, but turned onto his stomach and bared his backside. After inserting the thermometer the nurse said, "I have to get something. You stay still until I get back."
She must have left the door open on her way out and he cursed under his breath as he heard people laughing as they passed by his door.
Eventually the doctor noticed the open door and came in. "What's going on?" he asked.
"Can't you tell when someone is having their temperature taken?" the patient growled.
After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, of course, but never with a daffodil!"
You DID smile, didn't you?)
Monday, October 30, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Thinking Like A Dog"
Don't you ever wonder what your dog is thinking? I did, so I paid attention to his expressions and actions the past several days. Some of his thoughts seemed pretty obvious. For examples:
My human has already slept 15 minutes past our usual wake-up time! What if he's dead?
Why does my human leave the house every day when he could curl up on the daveno and sleep with me?
But he seems to be sort of a masochist anyhow. Can you believe he voluntarily takes a bath every day.
Why do humans wear different costumes every day? Do they somehow make humans more acceptable for mating?
And why does he insist on dressing me up on Halloween? Can't he see all the hair I have to cover me?
Why does my human talk in a natural voice to other people, but in a high-pitched child's voice to me? In dog years I'm older than he is.
Of course, I want to go outside. How does he always know?
Wonder if I never find out "Who's a good boy?" he's always telling me about?
When he leaves the house, wonder if he never comes back to feed me?
I finished my dinner. He's so slow I usually offer to help him finish his, but he never shares.
Why do humans harvest our poop?
I don't want the ball. Then my human throws it. Now I want the ball!
If I wasn't around, my human would lose every ball he has. I don't understand why he throws them away if he still wants them.
When my human runs around the neighborhood, he says it's exercise. When I do it, though, he yells at me.
What is my human thinking when he hooks me up to a leash? Is he afraid he will get lost?
Why doesn't my human listen to me when I bark warnings about that dangerous man who slinks around the neighborhood leaving messages in peoples' mailboxes?
My human has already slept 15 minutes past our usual wake-up time! What if he's dead?
Why does my human leave the house every day when he could curl up on the daveno and sleep with me?
But he seems to be sort of a masochist anyhow. Can you believe he voluntarily takes a bath every day.
Why do humans wear different costumes every day? Do they somehow make humans more acceptable for mating?
And why does he insist on dressing me up on Halloween? Can't he see all the hair I have to cover me?
Why does my human talk in a natural voice to other people, but in a high-pitched child's voice to me? In dog years I'm older than he is.
Of course, I want to go outside. How does he always know?
Wonder if I never find out "Who's a good boy?" he's always telling me about?
When he leaves the house, wonder if he never comes back to feed me?
I finished my dinner. He's so slow I usually offer to help him finish his, but he never shares.
Why do humans harvest our poop?
I don't want the ball. Then my human throws it. Now I want the ball!
If I wasn't around, my human would lose every ball he has. I don't understand why he throws them away if he still wants them.
When my human runs around the neighborhood, he says it's exercise. When I do it, though, he yells at me.
What is my human thinking when he hooks me up to a leash? Is he afraid he will get lost?
Why doesn't my human listen to me when I bark warnings about that dangerous man who slinks around the neighborhood leaving messages in peoples' mailboxes?
Friday, October 27, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "The 'First Dog' Named Fido"
Abraham Lincoln, U.S. President 1861-1865, loved animals.
Fido, a yellow mutt of a dog, entered the Lincoln household in Springfield, VA, in 1855 and quickly became a family fixture. He learned mock circus tricks from Lincoln's sons, trailed along with Abe on market errands, and, to Mary Todd's horror, greeted guests with middy paw-to- hand shakes.
Fido was too big and rambunctious to join the Lincolns in the White House in 1861, but Abe
brought a veritable petting zoo of animals into the White House: rabbits, goats, ponies and a trio of kittens rescued from a Union Army prison camp.
Fido did join his new owners at the Springfield train station to hear Abe's farewell speech. And, when Abe's casket returned in May 1965, Fido was there, too, to greet his former master. Media coverage for the funeral turned Fido, at that time, into the most famous dog in America.
(Source: Reader's Digest Nov. 2015)
========
More DOGerel
This ad showed up on the bulletin board at the Queen of Angels Hospital:
"Sophisticated, city-bred German Shepherd wishes to rent one or two-bedroom house, furnished, with yard. Has two quiet, well-behaved adults."
Another Ad: "Lassie, Come home. All is forgiven. It was a wet umbrella."
And, from the Saginaw, MI, News: "For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy."
And from the Indianapolis News: "Grown Boxer. AKC-registered. Will eat anything. Especially fond of children."
Jack worked his way through medical school at nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could serve his constituents well by combining the practices of medicine with taxidermy. He opened his practice with a shingle on the door reading: "Dr. Jack Jones. Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy. 'Either way you get your dog back.'"
Thursday, October 26, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: 'Jokes I've Heard Good Enough to Repeat"
. I love jokes with real surprise endings, like these:
1) Our boss was complaining in our staff meeting recently that he wasn't getting any respect. So later he brought in a small sign reading "I'm the Boss!" and had it placed prominently on his office door.
Still later, when he returned from lunch, he found someone had taped a notice to the sign. It read: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back."
2) A New York family bought a ranch in Idaho, where they intended to raise cattle. Visiting friends asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well, I wanted to name it Bar-O. My wife wanted to name it the Suzy-Q. One son wanted to call it the Flying-W, while the other son preferred the Lazy-Y. So we pleased everyone and named it the Bar-O-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy Y,"replied the would-be cattleman.
"But where are all your cattle?" asked the friend.
"None survived the branding!" was the sad reply.
3) A guy entered a bar, saw a friend drinking alone at a table.
"You look terrible," he tells the friend. "What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June and left me $10,000," the friend replies.
"I'm sorry to hear about your mother, that's tough, but the money is nice."
"Then in July," the friend continues, "my father died, leaving me $20,000."
"Wow, both parents gone so close together! No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died and left me $15,000," adds the friend.
"Three close family members lost in three months! That's really sad."
"Then, this month," continues the friend, "nothing!."
4) Two hunters hire a plane to fly them to Siberia to hunt bears. Upon landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with one pilot, two passengers and one bear."
But the hunters have great luck and return with two bears.
"I told you, "says the pilot, "ONE bear."
The hunters argue that the previous year, upon payment of an additional 100 rubles,he had allowed them to load two bears. After a long continuing argument and negotiation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and loads the two bears.
After struggling the plane into the air and skimming tree tops for about three miles, the plane gives up and plummets into a huge snow bank. Tunneling up out of the snow and the load of bears, one of the hunters asks the pilot where he thinks they are.
"He glances around and says, "About the same place we crashed last year."
1) Our boss was complaining in our staff meeting recently that he wasn't getting any respect. So later he brought in a small sign reading "I'm the Boss!" and had it placed prominently on his office door.
Still later, when he returned from lunch, he found someone had taped a notice to the sign. It read: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back."
2) A New York family bought a ranch in Idaho, where they intended to raise cattle. Visiting friends asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well, I wanted to name it Bar-O. My wife wanted to name it the Suzy-Q. One son wanted to call it the Flying-W, while the other son preferred the Lazy-Y. So we pleased everyone and named it the Bar-O-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy Y,"replied the would-be cattleman.
"But where are all your cattle?" asked the friend.
"None survived the branding!" was the sad reply.
3) A guy entered a bar, saw a friend drinking alone at a table.
"You look terrible," he tells the friend. "What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June and left me $10,000," the friend replies.
"I'm sorry to hear about your mother, that's tough, but the money is nice."
"Then in July," the friend continues, "my father died, leaving me $20,000."
"Wow, both parents gone so close together! No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died and left me $15,000," adds the friend.
"Three close family members lost in three months! That's really sad."
"Then, this month," continues the friend, "nothing!."
4) Two hunters hire a plane to fly them to Siberia to hunt bears. Upon landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with one pilot, two passengers and one bear."
But the hunters have great luck and return with two bears.
"I told you, "says the pilot, "ONE bear."
The hunters argue that the previous year, upon payment of an additional 100 rubles,he had allowed them to load two bears. After a long continuing argument and negotiation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and loads the two bears.
After struggling the plane into the air and skimming tree tops for about three miles, the plane gives up and plummets into a huge snow bank. Tunneling up out of the snow and the load of bears, one of the hunters asks the pilot where he thinks they are.
"He glances around and says, "About the same place we crashed last year."
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's LISTS BLOG: "List of Things Invisible"
How can one plagiarize "nothing"?
This thought intrigued me as I browsed an item in Reader's Digest circa 7/8/17, because that is exactly what I intended doing and will have now done, following my admission. I hope originator "Flora" will forgive me, but this really tickled my sense of ill-logic.
LIST: Top Five Things That Are Invisible
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
See what I mean?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
See what I mean?
This thought intrigued me as I browsed an item in Reader's Digest circa 7/8/17, because that is exactly what I intended doing and will have now done, following my admission. I hope originator "Flora" will forgive me, but this really tickled my sense of ill-logic.
LIST: Top Five Things That Are Invisible
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
See what I mean?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
See what I mean?
Thursday, September 21, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "My Dog's Questions"
We humans often sit, seemingly idle, at times, but actually we are probably day dreaming, asking ourselves questions that have vexed us at one time or another. With this in mind, I noted my dog, Red, sitting seemingly idle also yesterday, but with his ears erect and an interested look on his face that made me think that he, also, might well be asking himself questions that have vexed him at one time or another. What kind of questions would vex a dog, you ask? Well, surprisingly, right off the cuff I could think of a number I'd wonder about if I were Red. Think about that yourself and I'll bet you can come up with quite a list yourself.
Right at the top of my list was, "Why do humans, who seem to have perfectly good noses, love to go around smelling the flowers but never enjoy smelling one another's butts"
"And will it still be considered an unacceptable affront in the afterlife to greet one's human friends by sticking one's nose into their crotch?"
And I wondered if my dog thought he was being a bad dog by barking, just for the joy of it, in the house when no one was there to hear him?
And, "Do you suppose there are mailmen in Heaven and, if there are, am I going to have to apologize? And tell any garbage collectors there that I'm sorry for the way I acted, that I know now that they weren't stealing our trash?"
Likewise, "are the wastes of this world going to be available for our olfactory senses to enjoy as we roll in them, like decaying fish and leavings of the horses in our pasture?"
Will it still be considered impolite - when I try to be fastidious - sitting in the middle of the living room and licking my crotch?"
If we are man's best friend, like I've heard voiced around, how come there are cars named after rabbit, colt, mustang, stingray and cougar, but not one named for a dog> How much trouble would it be to change the Christler Eagle to the Beagle, for instance?"
Will some of the things taught me in this world still have relevance where I go when I pass on, like: "The master's bed is not a dog towel for use after a rainy day walk, the living room carpet is not kept as a handy solution for an itchy butt, and the cat's food is not meant for me, even if the cat has thrown it up."
The most worrysome wonderment, though, is whether I"ll get my testicles back in Heaven!!!
Right at the top of my list was, "Why do humans, who seem to have perfectly good noses, love to go around smelling the flowers but never enjoy smelling one another's butts"
"And will it still be considered an unacceptable affront in the afterlife to greet one's human friends by sticking one's nose into their crotch?"
And I wondered if my dog thought he was being a bad dog by barking, just for the joy of it, in the house when no one was there to hear him?
And, "Do you suppose there are mailmen in Heaven and, if there are, am I going to have to apologize? And tell any garbage collectors there that I'm sorry for the way I acted, that I know now that they weren't stealing our trash?"
Likewise, "are the wastes of this world going to be available for our olfactory senses to enjoy as we roll in them, like decaying fish and leavings of the horses in our pasture?"
Will it still be considered impolite - when I try to be fastidious - sitting in the middle of the living room and licking my crotch?"
If we are man's best friend, like I've heard voiced around, how come there are cars named after rabbit, colt, mustang, stingray and cougar, but not one named for a dog> How much trouble would it be to change the Christler Eagle to the Beagle, for instance?"
Will some of the things taught me in this world still have relevance where I go when I pass on, like: "The master's bed is not a dog towel for use after a rainy day walk, the living room carpet is not kept as a handy solution for an itchy butt, and the cat's food is not meant for me, even if the cat has thrown it up."
The most worrysome wonderment, though, is whether I"ll get my testicles back in Heaven!!!
Monday, September 11, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Smile Awhile"
People who have that sneaky mental twist that allows them to smile at mankind's fumbles and foibles by putting one of those into a joke deserve accolades in our today's world of toil and strife. Wouldn't you agree?
Unfortunately, I can't give the originators of the following yuks, which I consider well worthy of passing on, because I gleaned them from a column titled The Edge, over a period of time, in the local Lewiston Tribune, where they were not credited. But I think those originators will be happy to share anonymously anyhow.\
1) A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by her child's kindness and gave her the dollar. Curious, she asked the child, "Isn't the lady able to work anymore?"
"Oh, yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
2) My neighbor lady was talking to her four-year old son about imminent family visitations. He asked her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talked funny and sounded like their noses were plugged up.
"Well, they think we talk funny too," she said. "Everybody talks in different ways. They think we talk really slow, with our words all d-r-a-w-n out."
The boy's eyes got big and he whispered seriously, "You mean they hear funny too?"
3) The small boy asked his father how people came to be. His father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, their babies became adults and made more babies, and on and on like that."
Not satisfied with that, the boy then went to his mother and asked her how people came to be..She told him, "We were monkeys first, then we evolved into people like we are now."
Confused, the boy raced back to his father and told him, "You lied to me. Mom said we were monkeys. We didn't come from Adam and Eve."
The father, unperturbed, replied, "Your mom was talking about HER side of the family!
4) Harry walked up to the minister after services, "You know, reverend, I'm in a real quandary. I'd like to attend church next Sunday, but I can't possibly miss the big game next Sunday."
"But, Harry," replied the rev, "don't you know that is what DVRs are for?"
Harry's face lit up. "You mean I could record your sermon?"
5) A flight attendant on a cross country flight about 30 minutes out of Los Angeles nervously announced, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners available.
When the passengers muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal, though, will receive free drinks for the remainder of the trip."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available."
6) There was a papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole who lived in a hole in the country near a farmhouse. One morning papa mole poked his head outside the hole and announced,. "Mama, I smell sausage."
So mama mole poked her head out and added, "Ummm. And I smell pancakes."
So baby mole tried to stick his head out the hole, but couldn't because his parents were blocking it. Disappointed, he whined, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
Admit it. You smiled awhile, didn't you?
Unfortunately, I can't give the originators of the following yuks, which I consider well worthy of passing on, because I gleaned them from a column titled The Edge, over a period of time, in the local Lewiston Tribune, where they were not credited. But I think those originators will be happy to share anonymously anyhow.\
1) A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by her child's kindness and gave her the dollar. Curious, she asked the child, "Isn't the lady able to work anymore?"
"Oh, yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
2) My neighbor lady was talking to her four-year old son about imminent family visitations. He asked her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talked funny and sounded like their noses were plugged up.
"Well, they think we talk funny too," she said. "Everybody talks in different ways. They think we talk really slow, with our words all d-r-a-w-n out."
The boy's eyes got big and he whispered seriously, "You mean they hear funny too?"
3) The small boy asked his father how people came to be. His father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, their babies became adults and made more babies, and on and on like that."
Not satisfied with that, the boy then went to his mother and asked her how people came to be..She told him, "We were monkeys first, then we evolved into people like we are now."
Confused, the boy raced back to his father and told him, "You lied to me. Mom said we were monkeys. We didn't come from Adam and Eve."
The father, unperturbed, replied, "Your mom was talking about HER side of the family!
4) Harry walked up to the minister after services, "You know, reverend, I'm in a real quandary. I'd like to attend church next Sunday, but I can't possibly miss the big game next Sunday."
"But, Harry," replied the rev, "don't you know that is what DVRs are for?"
Harry's face lit up. "You mean I could record your sermon?"
5) A flight attendant on a cross country flight about 30 minutes out of Los Angeles nervously announced, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners available.
When the passengers muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal, though, will receive free drinks for the remainder of the trip."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available."
6) There was a papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole who lived in a hole in the country near a farmhouse. One morning papa mole poked his head outside the hole and announced,. "Mama, I smell sausage."
So mama mole poked her head out and added, "Ummm. And I smell pancakes."
So baby mole tried to stick his head out the hole, but couldn't because his parents were blocking it. Disappointed, he whined, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
Admit it. You smiled awhile, didn't you?
Thursday, September 7, 2017
R.Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "The Way Your Dog Would Like You to Grow Old"
(This came off the Internet uncredited, which is too bad because the author surely would be a nice person to know.)
When I am old:
I will wear soft gray sweatshirts, and a bandanna over my silver hair
And I will spend my Social Security checks on wine and my dogs.
I will sit in my house on my well-worn chair, and listen to my dogs breathing.
I will sneak out in the middle of a warm summer night and take my dogs for a run, if my old bones will allow.
When people call, I will smile and nod as I introduce my dogs, and talk of them and about them, so beloved are they.
I will still work hard cleaning after them, mopping, and feeding them and whispering their names in a soft loving way they understand.
I will wear the gleaming sweat on my throat like a jewel and I will be an embarrassment to all, especially my family, who have not yet found the peace in being free to have dogs as best friends... friends who always wait, at any hour, for your footfall, and eagerly jump to their feet out of a sound sleep to greet you as if you are a God.
With their warm eyes so full of adoring love, they hope you will always stay.
I'll hug their big strong necks; I'll kiss their dear sweet heads, and whisper in their very special company.
I look in the mirror, and see that I am growing old.
Please accept me for who I am,
For this is the kind of person I am, and have always been.
Loving dogs is easy; they are a part of me.
My dogs appreciate my presence in their lives and, when I am old, this will be important to me.
You will understand when you are old, if you have dogs to love too!
When I am old:
I will wear soft gray sweatshirts, and a bandanna over my silver hair
And I will spend my Social Security checks on wine and my dogs.
I will sit in my house on my well-worn chair, and listen to my dogs breathing.
I will sneak out in the middle of a warm summer night and take my dogs for a run, if my old bones will allow.
When people call, I will smile and nod as I introduce my dogs, and talk of them and about them, so beloved are they.
I will still work hard cleaning after them, mopping, and feeding them and whispering their names in a soft loving way they understand.
I will wear the gleaming sweat on my throat like a jewel and I will be an embarrassment to all, especially my family, who have not yet found the peace in being free to have dogs as best friends... friends who always wait, at any hour, for your footfall, and eagerly jump to their feet out of a sound sleep to greet you as if you are a God.
With their warm eyes so full of adoring love, they hope you will always stay.
I'll hug their big strong necks; I'll kiss their dear sweet heads, and whisper in their very special company.
I look in the mirror, and see that I am growing old.
Please accept me for who I am,
For this is the kind of person I am, and have always been.
Loving dogs is easy; they are a part of me.
My dogs appreciate my presence in their lives and, when I am old, this will be important to me.
You will understand when you are old, if you have dogs to love too!
Thursday, August 17, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's LISTS: "There's An App For THAT!"
Computerists code the most innovative and oddest apps into the World Wide Web! I enjoy browsing this fount of obtuse ingenuity on occasion. My most recent foray brought up the following list you might look up if you, too, are a curious and adventuresome type person.
These company Websites advertise novelties that intrigued me:
a wooden toy that teaches coding: Cubetto (from Primo Toys).
3-D printed shoes: Futurecraft 3-D (from Adidas)
a wearable toy that kids can program: Mover Kit (from Technology Will Save Us)
a slick electric bike: Oko (from Biomega)
A plug-in gadget that makes cars run cleaner: Voyo (from Frog)
These Websites actually DO things:
Record your life in GIFs::Glphy Cam (from Giphy)
Kids choreograph dances for monsters: Monster Moves (from Ideo)
Scanning allows you to try on clothes virtually: Avametric (from Avametric)
App changes the color temperature of your screen as it gets later in the day, to ease eye strain and work with your body's sleep schedule: Flux
A team picks the best You Tube videos daily and posts them to its site daily: Devour.com
Site explores possibility that early mankind was scientifically advanced because of intervention from extraterrestrial beings:AncientX.com
Site lets you write an e-mail to yourself that will arrive in the day, month and year in the future that you select (if you keep the same e-mail address): FutureMe.org
Service streams music to fit your musical preference, temps and mood - sad to aggressive: Ghostlycom/discovery
Simple calculator determines what time you should fall asleep based on your targeted wake time, waking you between your natural sleep cycles to get the best start for your day: Sleepyti.me
Site simply offers a 90-second breather from computer activities, featuring the theme from TVs Lost series: TheQuietPlace Project.com/90seconds
Beta site with interactive timeline incorporating photos, videos and audio in a visual tour of the origins of the universe, our solar system and humanity itself: ChromeZoomProject.org
Specify the recording artist you would like to hear and this site will stream its music AND suggest the perfect cocktail accompaniment: Drinkify.org
This mythology encyclopedia includes 4,000 or so entries on supreme beings, demons and deities from every culture: Godchecker.com
Political screw-up tweets, even deleted ones, are shown: Politiwoops.com
Illustrators each week take intriguing or funny tweets and turn them into cartoons: Twaggies.com
And lastly, but far from least intriguing:
An amazing and amusing plethora of photos of unusual things, people and happenstances: WhereCoolThingsHappen.com
These company Websites advertise novelties that intrigued me:
a wooden toy that teaches coding: Cubetto (from Primo Toys).
3-D printed shoes: Futurecraft 3-D (from Adidas)
a wearable toy that kids can program: Mover Kit (from Technology Will Save Us)
a slick electric bike: Oko (from Biomega)
A plug-in gadget that makes cars run cleaner: Voyo (from Frog)
These Websites actually DO things:
Record your life in GIFs::Glphy Cam (from Giphy)
Kids choreograph dances for monsters: Monster Moves (from Ideo)
Scanning allows you to try on clothes virtually: Avametric (from Avametric)
App changes the color temperature of your screen as it gets later in the day, to ease eye strain and work with your body's sleep schedule: Flux
A team picks the best You Tube videos daily and posts them to its site daily: Devour.com
Site explores possibility that early mankind was scientifically advanced because of intervention from extraterrestrial beings:AncientX.com
Site lets you write an e-mail to yourself that will arrive in the day, month and year in the future that you select (if you keep the same e-mail address): FutureMe.org
Service streams music to fit your musical preference, temps and mood - sad to aggressive: Ghostlycom/discovery
Simple calculator determines what time you should fall asleep based on your targeted wake time, waking you between your natural sleep cycles to get the best start for your day: Sleepyti.me
Site simply offers a 90-second breather from computer activities, featuring the theme from TVs Lost series: TheQuietPlace Project.com/90seconds
Beta site with interactive timeline incorporating photos, videos and audio in a visual tour of the origins of the universe, our solar system and humanity itself: ChromeZoomProject.org
Specify the recording artist you would like to hear and this site will stream its music AND suggest the perfect cocktail accompaniment: Drinkify.org
This mythology encyclopedia includes 4,000 or so entries on supreme beings, demons and deities from every culture: Godchecker.com
Political screw-up tweets, even deleted ones, are shown: Politiwoops.com
Illustrators each week take intriguing or funny tweets and turn them into cartoons: Twaggies.com
And lastly, but far from least intriguing:
An amazing and amusing plethora of photos of unusual things, people and happenstances: WhereCoolThingsHappen.com
Friday, August 4, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's LISTS: "How to Foretell the Future"
Mankind has continually searched for a method of hepatoscopy (foretelling his future), and failed, unfortunately (or fortunately perhaps). My following list shows some of the innovated methods, which have shown some intriguing imagination, however. Take a look.
Astrology: This "science" or "art" was practiced by the ancient Chaldeans and found in the theories of ancient religions. It is based on the signs or omens "seen" in the stars and the constellations they form, which make up the Zodiac. These groups or constellations in the Zodiac were given names taken from mythological lore and their changing patterns were noted to mark the changing seasons. Each pattern was given a "significance". If "properly read" these patterns foretell an individual's or the world's futures.
Bibliomancy: Reading into the future by consulting some book, secular or sacred.
A common practice for the credulous in divination is to open the Bible and place the index finger at random on the text. The message therein, in case of distress, will suggest a solution. But, if the words have no bearing on the particular distress, the message is unfavorable.
To ask a question on a doubtful matter open the Bible and note the first word on the left-hand page. If the word has an even number of letters, the answer is "No"., and uneven number of letters, the answer is "Yes".
An Old English custom is to lay the Bible on the table on New Year's Day and have each member of the family open it at random and read the prediction of things to come for the new year from suggested contents of the two open pages.
Capnomancy: Divination by means of smoke. Smoke ascending dark and dense foretells evil to come; ascending straight and light, the opposite.
Catoptromancy: Divination with the aid of a mirror
If a child is taken to a mirror before he/she is a year old, the child will have an early death.
Looking into a mirror by candlelight will bring on bad luck.
Mirrors and pictures of deceased persons are covered while the corpse lies in state at home to prevent the spirit from seeing itself.
Cledonism: Divination from words "used occasionally", or, sometimes, associated with the movements of birds.
Cleromancy: Learning the unknown by "casting lots", such as throwing dice, flipping a coin, consulting cards, shaking pebbles or nuts, or saying "magical" words like "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe".
Coscinomancy: Divination through consulting the manner of oscillation or shaking of a suspended "sieve".
Dactiliomancy: Divination using a ring suspended by a string and noting its rotating movements, and its stopping at some marked letters to indicate answers to queries.
Dreams: Dream wandering in confusion portends an impending event. Many specific dreams have been given meanings:
Whatever one dreams while sleeping under a new blanket or quilt will turn out real.
Morning dreams go by contraries.
Told before breakfast, dreams bring bad luck.
Muddy water - trouble or an impending death.
Dreaming of a white horse means you will become rich.
Fortune Telling: One's birthday foretells his/her fortune:
Mondays' child is fair of face.
Tuesday's child is full of grace.
Wednesday's child is sorry and sad.
Thursday's child is merry and glad.
Friday's child is loving and giving.
Saturday's child must work for a living.
But the child born on the Sabbath Day is bonny and merry and glad and gay.
Magic Crystal: The "magic crystal", a kind of divining mirror, may be any size, usually spherical, and turned from pure rock. It offers divination and communication with the "living dead".
Onomancy: Divination of good or ill fortune from the letters of a person's name.
Palmistry: Foretells events, and character, from the shape, fatty tissues (mounds), and lines of the hands, fingers, nails, etc.
Chirognomy: assessing a person's character on the basis of the shape and general appearance of the hands.
Chiromancy: Prophecy from indications of the hands.
Onychomancy" Foretelling on the basis of characteristics of the finger nails.
Phrenology: Character reading from the size and shape of the human skull.
Medical anatomist Franz J. Gall developed the theory that the outer surface of the skull corresponded with the contents of the brain, and that regions of the brain were correlated with character traits.
Physiognomy: Popular in the 16th century, this was built upon the theory that bodily characteristics reveal mental characteristics. It was forbidden by the English Parliament in 1743.
Scapulimancy/omoplatoscopy: Reading the future from the features of an animal's shoulder blade.
Astrology: This "science" or "art" was practiced by the ancient Chaldeans and found in the theories of ancient religions. It is based on the signs or omens "seen" in the stars and the constellations they form, which make up the Zodiac. These groups or constellations in the Zodiac were given names taken from mythological lore and their changing patterns were noted to mark the changing seasons. Each pattern was given a "significance". If "properly read" these patterns foretell an individual's or the world's futures.
Bibliomancy: Reading into the future by consulting some book, secular or sacred.
A common practice for the credulous in divination is to open the Bible and place the index finger at random on the text. The message therein, in case of distress, will suggest a solution. But, if the words have no bearing on the particular distress, the message is unfavorable.
To ask a question on a doubtful matter open the Bible and note the first word on the left-hand page. If the word has an even number of letters, the answer is "No"., and uneven number of letters, the answer is "Yes".
An Old English custom is to lay the Bible on the table on New Year's Day and have each member of the family open it at random and read the prediction of things to come for the new year from suggested contents of the two open pages.
Capnomancy: Divination by means of smoke. Smoke ascending dark and dense foretells evil to come; ascending straight and light, the opposite.
Catoptromancy: Divination with the aid of a mirror
If a child is taken to a mirror before he/she is a year old, the child will have an early death.
Looking into a mirror by candlelight will bring on bad luck.
Mirrors and pictures of deceased persons are covered while the corpse lies in state at home to prevent the spirit from seeing itself.
Cledonism: Divination from words "used occasionally", or, sometimes, associated with the movements of birds.
Cleromancy: Learning the unknown by "casting lots", such as throwing dice, flipping a coin, consulting cards, shaking pebbles or nuts, or saying "magical" words like "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe".
Coscinomancy: Divination through consulting the manner of oscillation or shaking of a suspended "sieve".
Dactiliomancy: Divination using a ring suspended by a string and noting its rotating movements, and its stopping at some marked letters to indicate answers to queries.
Dreams: Dream wandering in confusion portends an impending event. Many specific dreams have been given meanings:
Whatever one dreams while sleeping under a new blanket or quilt will turn out real.
Morning dreams go by contraries.
Told before breakfast, dreams bring bad luck.
Muddy water - trouble or an impending death.
Dreaming of a white horse means you will become rich.
Fortune Telling: One's birthday foretells his/her fortune:
Mondays' child is fair of face.
Tuesday's child is full of grace.
Wednesday's child is sorry and sad.
Thursday's child is merry and glad.
Friday's child is loving and giving.
Saturday's child must work for a living.
But the child born on the Sabbath Day is bonny and merry and glad and gay.
Magic Crystal: The "magic crystal", a kind of divining mirror, may be any size, usually spherical, and turned from pure rock. It offers divination and communication with the "living dead".
Onomancy: Divination of good or ill fortune from the letters of a person's name.
Palmistry: Foretells events, and character, from the shape, fatty tissues (mounds), and lines of the hands, fingers, nails, etc.
Chirognomy: assessing a person's character on the basis of the shape and general appearance of the hands.
Chiromancy: Prophecy from indications of the hands.
Onychomancy" Foretelling on the basis of characteristics of the finger nails.
Phrenology: Character reading from the size and shape of the human skull.
Medical anatomist Franz J. Gall developed the theory that the outer surface of the skull corresponded with the contents of the brain, and that regions of the brain were correlated with character traits.
Physiognomy: Popular in the 16th century, this was built upon the theory that bodily characteristics reveal mental characteristics. It was forbidden by the English Parliament in 1743.
Scapulimancy/omoplatoscopy: Reading the future from the features of an animal's shoulder blade.
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