R. Loeffelbein's DOG DOGMA: New Year's Resolutions I'm Suggesting to My Dog

I won't challenge the garbage collector any more. I've learned he is not stealing our stuff.
I will shake the snow off BEFORE entering the living room and jumping on the sofa.
I will no longer come into the bedroom, after outdoor ablutions are completed, and stick my cold nose under the covers on mistress's bare back.
I promise to cease playing tug-of-war with the master's underwear while he is on the toilet.
Nor will I play with the wash on the laundry line, no matter how evocatively the wind plays with it. (Though it beats me how the mistress can pass up such great fun,)
I will try to remember the sound of a can opener is not a call for me, and that my head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I must remember that kitty box crunchies are not food. They don't eliminate easily.
I promise not to eat the cat's food, either before or after they eat it.
And I'll remember that the diaper pail is not a water dish, nor a cookie jar.
I will stop being so particular and not use a clean place on the carpet whenever I have to throw up.
I will continue to inspect, but not roll on, dead fish we come across in our walks along the river.
I definitely will not throw up in the car. The master has threatened "NO more car rides!"
I will try to remember not to stand up while lying under the coffee table while mistress is pouring coffee for the ladies.
I'm going to stop barking every time there is a doorbell rung on the TV. I was finally told we don't have a doorbell.)
I will not roll my squeak toys under the daveno or the fridg. (The mistress doesn't clean under there very well so they don't taste good when I get them back.)
I will take time from my busy walks to smell the behinds.
I must not lick mistress's face after nosing pigeon poop.
I will cease chewing crayons. Last time the master thought I was hemorrhaging and was ready to take me to the vet.
While on a drive I will try not to drool along the side of the car when I have my head out the widow.
I won't ever again bite the officer's hand when he reaches into the car for mistress's driver's license and registration. Turns out mistress can be wrong on occasion!