How To Make, And Keep, Friends
Even friends have egos that bruise, tempers that flare, pouting spells on bad day, and often a (mutual) tendency to blame. So I thought I'd brainstorm some thoughts that might keep things on an even keel when things go inadvertently wrong.
Basic: Generosity may be the key to lasting friendship.
Show gratitude for courtesies.
Don't EXPECT compliments, (And don't angle for them either.)
Admit your shortcomings readily. (They are more obvious than you think anyhow.)\
Don't stifle your friendship by listening to negatives other people say about your friend.
A necessity to be right is a tiresome trait.
An unwillingness to argue about something does not mean you agree. Listening is friendly and
usually it isn't going to be something worth yelling over anyhow..
Keep quiet when a friend says, "I told you so!"
Slightly irritating behavior grows on you over time. A proof of friendship is the approval to get it out blamelessly for sharing.
Most disagreements are merely proof that one, or both, of you are being immature.
Be first to apologize. It really won't be as painful as you expect.
Accept apologies gracefully. (And don't purse your lips or roll your eyes either.)
Don't complain about plans for the day or evening if you left it up to the friend to arrange. No one is really a mind reader.
Never greet a friend with nagging or complaining. Save that for people who can do something about whatever you are unhappy about.
Friendship will teach you more about yourself than you bargained for.
You may be surprised how well you like someone, if you let yourself.
Thursday, May 31, 2018
Monday, March 5, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Leave A Message, Epitaphically Speaking"
All of us, at one time or another, consider how we would like people to remember us. And the last chance we get at doing something positive about it is when ordering our tombstones - with our epitaphs that they will carry evermore.
Most people leave this job to next-of-kin - possibly uneasy about facing their mortality - and hope for a few words in loving memory. And sometimes that works out fine. But other times, perhaps because next-of-kin isn't thinking too clearly at that point, no epitaph is furnished, or the one given presents a mixed message, like the one inscribed by one widow, which read, "Rest in Peace...Until We Meet Again."
Think how much more interesting epitaphs could be if we put some thought in on personalized messages to those following after us, like some words of advice, some helpful philosophical commentary, or even some note on how we spent our lives. If this could be done with a sense of humor, maybe we could even help calm the fears of the unknown that facing death brings for those who still have it to face.
I've often thought, for example, that I'd like people to remember that I fought all mu life against the deterioration of the English language, both as teacher and writer. Maybe my epitaph should read, "I Have No Words Left," or, as one person who knows me well, has said, "Why not just print 'Last Word.' so you can always have the last word?"
I mentioned the idea to a cartoonist I've worked with on occasion and now he is trying to decide between two epitaphs for himself: "End Panel" (an inside term understood by such artists) or "Under new syndication".
Another friend, who has a big family to care for, so has never been able to give up a job he dislikes in order to pursue a less secure but longed-for writing career, somewhat morbidly suggested he could epitaph with "Queried, Married, Harried, Buried." If he ever makes the change, though, I thought he could change it to something like "Accepted At Last." Even though perhaps only other writers, like magazine freelancers, would understand the joy inherent in the phrase, which usually meant a check was enclosed.
These examples set me thinking of other possibilities. A centenarian might, for example, inscribe, "Life Just Tired Me Out!" A housewife might like the wry humor in "Rumor Has It I'm Just Resting."And practically any life's occupation could be mini-chronicled with wry (or awry) humor too.
As a long-time sports buff, I first thought how athletes might better be remembered. A professional baseball player, for instance, might be epitaphed, "Struck Out!" or "Thumbed Out of the Game" or even "What I Really Miss Is That Seventh Inning Stretch."
A pro football player might use "Last Down" or "Thrown For A Loss" or maybe "Traded: No Option." A minor league basketball player might use "Called Up to the Majors.".And a pro golfer might record "Finally, a Hole-In-One." A boxer? "KO'd Again!"
Don't these make you think more friendily about the deceased than merely a name and cold started and finished dates on a tombstone? They bring the reader rather a smile than a tear. And that's more the way we would all like to be remembered if we had our druthers, isn't it - laughing at death
I liked that thought so much that I got a peer group of friends to help me compose the following list of tongue-in-cheek occupational epitaphs.
FOR THE...
...secretary: "Period" or "Last Long Coffee Break" or, for the more frisky lass, "Last Lap."
...bookkeeper: "Closing the Books."
...teacher: "Vacation, At Last!" or "On Sabbatical."
...minister: "Found A Higher Calling" or "Amen Already!"
...lawyer: "Defense Rests" or "My Case Was Dismissed,"
...policeman: "10-4."
...dentist: "Just Filling Another Cavity."
...banker:"Foreclosed" or "You Can't Be More Bankrupt Than This!"
...pilot: "Changed My Wings."
...marathon runner: "I Didn't Really Train For This Distance" or "Ran Dead Last This Time."
...cowboy: "Last Roundup" or simply "Whoa!"
...miner: "Who Says You Can't Keep A Good Man Down?"
...railroad engineer: "Heading For the Terminal" or"Deadheading Home."
...train conductor: "Rerouted" or "End of the Line."
...porter: "Carrying On, As Usual."
...waiter: "This REALLY Isn't My Station" or "HE Got My Attention."
...usher: "It's All General Admission, You Know!""
,,,ticket taker: "Waiting for the Main Attraction."
...construction worker: "My Own Little Cornerstone!"
...electrician: "Short Circuited."
...union member: "Paying My Dues,"
...singer: "I Really Would Have Preferred An Encore."
...musician: "Sitting In With Gabe" or maybe just "Taps."
...actor: "Upstaged Again" or "Last Curtain" or This Is the Worst Review I've Ever Had."
...TV producer: "It's A Wrap" or "Show Cancelled."
...disc jockey: "Signing Off" or "Left Without An Exit Line."
...comedian: "This Is No Joke" or Laugh, I Tought I'd Die!"
...editor: "Final Edition" or "Deadlined."
...statistician: "Aftermath" or "Back to Basics: 3X6X6."
...undertaker: " Where's the Profit In This?"
...auctioneer: "Going! Going! GONE!"
...gambler: "Cashed In."
...travel agent" "And I Didn't Even Have to Make A Reservation."
...insurance agent: "Contract Voided."
...beautician: "Permanent?"
...shoemaker: "Beyond Repair" or "Soled Out,"
...job placement manager: "Between Jobs."
...military general: "At Ease At Last" or "So We Don't Just Fade Away After All!"
...politician: "I Really Never Touight It Would End Like This."
...elevator operator: "I Hope I Pushed the UP Button."
...columnist: "30."
....
Most people leave this job to next-of-kin - possibly uneasy about facing their mortality - and hope for a few words in loving memory. And sometimes that works out fine. But other times, perhaps because next-of-kin isn't thinking too clearly at that point, no epitaph is furnished, or the one given presents a mixed message, like the one inscribed by one widow, which read, "Rest in Peace...Until We Meet Again."
Think how much more interesting epitaphs could be if we put some thought in on personalized messages to those following after us, like some words of advice, some helpful philosophical commentary, or even some note on how we spent our lives. If this could be done with a sense of humor, maybe we could even help calm the fears of the unknown that facing death brings for those who still have it to face.
I've often thought, for example, that I'd like people to remember that I fought all mu life against the deterioration of the English language, both as teacher and writer. Maybe my epitaph should read, "I Have No Words Left," or, as one person who knows me well, has said, "Why not just print 'Last Word.' so you can always have the last word?"
I mentioned the idea to a cartoonist I've worked with on occasion and now he is trying to decide between two epitaphs for himself: "End Panel" (an inside term understood by such artists) or "Under new syndication".
Another friend, who has a big family to care for, so has never been able to give up a job he dislikes in order to pursue a less secure but longed-for writing career, somewhat morbidly suggested he could epitaph with "Queried, Married, Harried, Buried." If he ever makes the change, though, I thought he could change it to something like "Accepted At Last." Even though perhaps only other writers, like magazine freelancers, would understand the joy inherent in the phrase, which usually meant a check was enclosed.
These examples set me thinking of other possibilities. A centenarian might, for example, inscribe, "Life Just Tired Me Out!" A housewife might like the wry humor in "Rumor Has It I'm Just Resting."And practically any life's occupation could be mini-chronicled with wry (or awry) humor too.
As a long-time sports buff, I first thought how athletes might better be remembered. A professional baseball player, for instance, might be epitaphed, "Struck Out!" or "Thumbed Out of the Game" or even "What I Really Miss Is That Seventh Inning Stretch."
A pro football player might use "Last Down" or "Thrown For A Loss" or maybe "Traded: No Option." A minor league basketball player might use "Called Up to the Majors.".And a pro golfer might record "Finally, a Hole-In-One." A boxer? "KO'd Again!"
Don't these make you think more friendily about the deceased than merely a name and cold started and finished dates on a tombstone? They bring the reader rather a smile than a tear. And that's more the way we would all like to be remembered if we had our druthers, isn't it - laughing at death
I liked that thought so much that I got a peer group of friends to help me compose the following list of tongue-in-cheek occupational epitaphs.
FOR THE...
...secretary: "Period" or "Last Long Coffee Break" or, for the more frisky lass, "Last Lap."
...bookkeeper: "Closing the Books."
...teacher: "Vacation, At Last!" or "On Sabbatical."
...minister: "Found A Higher Calling" or "Amen Already!"
...lawyer: "Defense Rests" or "My Case Was Dismissed,"
...policeman: "10-4."
...dentist: "Just Filling Another Cavity."
...banker:"Foreclosed" or "You Can't Be More Bankrupt Than This!"
...pilot: "Changed My Wings."
...marathon runner: "I Didn't Really Train For This Distance" or "Ran Dead Last This Time."
...cowboy: "Last Roundup" or simply "Whoa!"
...miner: "Who Says You Can't Keep A Good Man Down?"
...railroad engineer: "Heading For the Terminal" or"Deadheading Home."
...train conductor: "Rerouted" or "End of the Line."
...porter: "Carrying On, As Usual."
...waiter: "This REALLY Isn't My Station" or "HE Got My Attention."
...usher: "It's All General Admission, You Know!""
,,,ticket taker: "Waiting for the Main Attraction."
...construction worker: "My Own Little Cornerstone!"
...electrician: "Short Circuited."
...union member: "Paying My Dues,"
...singer: "I Really Would Have Preferred An Encore."
...musician: "Sitting In With Gabe" or maybe just "Taps."
...actor: "Upstaged Again" or "Last Curtain" or This Is the Worst Review I've Ever Had."
...TV producer: "It's A Wrap" or "Show Cancelled."
...disc jockey: "Signing Off" or "Left Without An Exit Line."
...comedian: "This Is No Joke" or Laugh, I Tought I'd Die!"
...editor: "Final Edition" or "Deadlined."
...statistician: "Aftermath" or "Back to Basics: 3X6X6."
...undertaker: " Where's the Profit In This?"
...auctioneer: "Going! Going! GONE!"
...gambler: "Cashed In."
...travel agent" "And I Didn't Even Have to Make A Reservation."
...insurance agent: "Contract Voided."
...beautician: "Permanent?"
...shoemaker: "Beyond Repair" or "Soled Out,"
...job placement manager: "Between Jobs."
...military general: "At Ease At Last" or "So We Don't Just Fade Away After All!"
...politician: "I Really Never Touight It Would End Like This."
...elevator operator: "I Hope I Pushed the UP Button."
...columnist: "30."
....
Monday, February 19, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Smile Awhile: Best Jokes I've Heard This Week"
The best jokes I've heard this week are not all new, but don't stop me telling them because I want to hear those recycled ones again myself anyway. As you readers know by now, I love surprise endings.
1) There was a papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole living in a hole in the country near a farmhouse. One morning papa mole poked his head out of the hole, sniffed and said, "Mama, I smell sausages."
So mama mole poked her head out of the hole, sniffed and said, "Mmmm, and I smell pancakes too."
So baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff, but he couldn't because papa and mama moles were blocking the whole hole. And he complained, "The only thing I can small is molasses!"
2) The little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give the old lady she had seen in the park. Her mother was touched that her child was kind enough to want to share. So she gave the child the dollar.
"There you are, darling," said mama. "But isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh, yes," the girl replied, "She sells candy."
3) Jerry met the pastor at the church door after services. "You know, Reverend, I'm in a quandary. I want to attend church next Sunday, but I just can't miss the big game. You understand, don't you?" "But, Jerry," the pastor remonstrated, "don't you know that's what DVRs are for?"
A big smile lit up Jerry's face. "You mean I can record your sermon?"
4) My neighbor was talking to her four-year old daughter, Amy, about a group of relatives from Wisconsin, who were going to visit them. Amy, remembering a previous visit, complained about their accent, saying she couldn't understand them, that they talked as though their noses were plugged up.
"Well, they think we talk funny, that we have an accent too," answered her mother. "Everyone from different places talk in different ways. They think we talk funny, too, that we talk very slow with all our words drawn way out."
Amy's eyes got big and she said she understood. "You mean they hear funny too?"
5) A flight attendant, during a cross-country flight about 50 minutes outbound from Los Angeles, nervously announced, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard today and only 40 dinners to serve."
When the passengers' muttering had died down enough for her to continue, she added, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his or her meal for someone else will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
An hour later she made another announcement. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
6) As happens eventually in all families, the small boy was asking his father how people came to be. After a pause to gather his lines,the dad said,"There was Adam and Eve to begin with, and they had babies, and their children grew up and had babies, just like today."
That didn't jibe with what a neighbor boy had told him, so he went to his mother and asked the same question.
"We were all monkeys,"mom said and we evolved to become the humans we are today."
Still questing, the boy returned to his father and complained, "You lied to me. Mom said we were from monkeys, not Adam and Eve."
Yes,"tiredly explained dad, "but your mother was talking about her side of the family."
1) There was a papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole living in a hole in the country near a farmhouse. One morning papa mole poked his head out of the hole, sniffed and said, "Mama, I smell sausages."
So mama mole poked her head out of the hole, sniffed and said, "Mmmm, and I smell pancakes too."
So baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff, but he couldn't because papa and mama moles were blocking the whole hole. And he complained, "The only thing I can small is molasses!"
2) The little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give the old lady she had seen in the park. Her mother was touched that her child was kind enough to want to share. So she gave the child the dollar.
"There you are, darling," said mama. "But isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh, yes," the girl replied, "She sells candy."
3) Jerry met the pastor at the church door after services. "You know, Reverend, I'm in a quandary. I want to attend church next Sunday, but I just can't miss the big game. You understand, don't you?" "But, Jerry," the pastor remonstrated, "don't you know that's what DVRs are for?"
A big smile lit up Jerry's face. "You mean I can record your sermon?"
4) My neighbor was talking to her four-year old daughter, Amy, about a group of relatives from Wisconsin, who were going to visit them. Amy, remembering a previous visit, complained about their accent, saying she couldn't understand them, that they talked as though their noses were plugged up.
"Well, they think we talk funny, that we have an accent too," answered her mother. "Everyone from different places talk in different ways. They think we talk funny, too, that we talk very slow with all our words drawn way out."
Amy's eyes got big and she said she understood. "You mean they hear funny too?"
5) A flight attendant, during a cross-country flight about 50 minutes outbound from Los Angeles, nervously announced, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard today and only 40 dinners to serve."
When the passengers' muttering had died down enough for her to continue, she added, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his or her meal for someone else will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
An hour later she made another announcement. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
6) As happens eventually in all families, the small boy was asking his father how people came to be. After a pause to gather his lines,the dad said,"There was Adam and Eve to begin with, and they had babies, and their children grew up and had babies, just like today."
That didn't jibe with what a neighbor boy had told him, so he went to his mother and asked the same question.
"We were all monkeys,"mom said and we evolved to become the humans we are today."
Still questing, the boy returned to his father and complained, "You lied to me. Mom said we were from monkeys, not Adam and Eve."
Yes,"tiredly explained dad, "but your mother was talking about her side of the family."
Friday, February 2, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Dog Persons' Thoughts"
"A dog is not a person's whole life, but a dog makes a person's life whole." That's a quote I picked up by Roger Caras that I think does man's best friend justice.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than it loves itself. --Josh Billings
Another quoted truism by a dog person, Ben Williams, is "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." I know that first-hand.
A dog also, of course, teaches a boy, according to humorist Robert Benchley, fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Sue Murphy adds: "Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
An unnamed writer in a Saturday Evening Post (July/August 2006) piece titled "It's A Dog's World," that came into my hands recently when my local library was cleaning out shelf space, had an epiphany I think quoting various celebrities presenting interesting thoughts about their dogs.
Let's lead off with Holbrook Jackson's over-the-top, "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Ann Landers, in her column, once expressed a different opinion: "Don't accept your dogs' admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amused contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck
Dereke Bruce: "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Ann Tyler: Ever consider what they think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we are the greatest hunters on earth."
Christopher Morley: "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
That's refuted by comedienne Fran Lebouvitz with this: "No animal should ever jump up onto the living room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than it loves itself. --Josh Billings
Another quoted truism by a dog person, Ben Williams, is "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." I know that first-hand.
A dog also, of course, teaches a boy, according to humorist Robert Benchley, fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Sue Murphy adds: "Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
An unnamed writer in a Saturday Evening Post (July/August 2006) piece titled "It's A Dog's World," that came into my hands recently when my local library was cleaning out shelf space, had an epiphany I think quoting various celebrities presenting interesting thoughts about their dogs.
Let's lead off with Holbrook Jackson's over-the-top, "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Ann Landers, in her column, once expressed a different opinion: "Don't accept your dogs' admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amused contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck
Dereke Bruce: "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Ann Tyler: Ever consider what they think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we are the greatest hunters on earth."
Christopher Morley: "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
That's refuted by comedienne Fran Lebouvitz with this: "No animal should ever jump up onto the living room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
Humor writer Dave Barry: "You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right. I never would have thought of that.'"
(Barry is also the one who has said, "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.")
My dog barks regularly when sighting the poodle down the street. Rita Rudner has a thought on such occurrence: "Maybe he thinks poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
My father when I was 14; "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
Me, also at 14: "Anyone who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog. And, if you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them."
"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." --Mark Twain
"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." --Mark Twain
James Thurber: "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to Heaven and very, very few persons."
Monday, January 29, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Why A Dog Is A Better Companion For You Than A Girfriend"
One of the reasons dogs are so popular is they always wag their tails instead of their tongues. That leads me to think that maybe the world would be better off if everyone had tails to let you know how they are feeling! But that is hardly the only reason dogs make better companions than girlfriends, according to a compilation from a recent male-only bull session I attended. Read on.
The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
You never have to wait for your dog. It is ready to go whenever you are, day or night.
Your dog understands that instinct trumps asking for directions every time.
Your dog will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Or even if you call it by another dog's name.
Your dog never expects gifts, even on Valentine's Day. They have no use for cards, flowers or jewelry.
Your dog won't cry unless it needs to go out to pee.
A dog loves it when your friends come over for a noisy bit of horseplay.
Dogs also like beer, and handle it about as well as you do.
Your dog would rather sit and drool while you fix it a hamburger patty than go our for a lobster dinner.
Your dog thinks your singing is great...and may even join in to promote harmony..
Your dog likes stuff srewn around on the floor, and never worries about germs.
Your dog understands that one has to raise one's voice on occasion to get one's point across.
Your dog won't "borrow" your sweaters or shirts and leave them with makeup on them.
Your dog is never going to add 50 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Your dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
Your dog's parents never visit.
And, addition to all that, anyone can get a good looking dog!
The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
You never have to wait for your dog. It is ready to go whenever you are, day or night.
Your dog understands that instinct trumps asking for directions every time.
Your dog will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Or even if you call it by another dog's name.
Your dog never expects gifts, even on Valentine's Day. They have no use for cards, flowers or jewelry.
Your dog won't cry unless it needs to go out to pee.
A dog loves it when your friends come over for a noisy bit of horseplay.
Dogs also like beer, and handle it about as well as you do.
Your dog would rather sit and drool while you fix it a hamburger patty than go our for a lobster dinner.
Your dog thinks your singing is great...and may even join in to promote harmony..
Your dog likes stuff srewn around on the floor, and never worries about germs.
Your dog understands that one has to raise one's voice on occasion to get one's point across.
Your dog won't "borrow" your sweaters or shirts and leave them with makeup on them.
Your dog is never going to add 50 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Your dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
Your dog's parents never visit.
And, addition to all that, anyone can get a good looking dog!
Friday, January 19, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: ""I Want To Talk About Sex>"Sex."
When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one one of those too!"
Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like and stood there with a grin on his face.
"No. You don't understand," I tried to explain. "I've had Sex since I was nine years old!"
He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
"When I got married, and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He told me I didn't need a special room for sex, that he didn't care what we did as long as we paid our bill.'
"I tried to explain to him that the problem was that Sex kept me awake at night."
The clerk grinned and replied, "Funny, but I have that same problem!" But he assigned us an other room.
Next day I entered Sex in a show being held in town. But during his morning run he got loose and last seen was chasing a squirrel across a street full of traffic. I was left standing, undecided what to do. Another contestant asked me why I was looking so angry. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the show.
"Wow," he exclaims. If you sell tickets, you ought to clean up!"
"But you don;t understand," I added, "I want to have Sex on TV."
"I don't see you as the type," he replies. "Besides, that's no big deal anymore. They already have a lot of that on Cable."
My wife didn't understand all the time I spent with my dog so, eventually we seperated. We went to court, where I made sure to announce i wanted custody. I told the judge, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
"The court is not a confessional," he replied."Please stick to the facts of the case."
"But my wife didn't even care when Sex left me," I added. "When Sex left me again last night I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop stopped me and asked what I was doing in an alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I told him I was just looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
(This was reprinted by request in Dear Abby's column, but this slightly revised version is offered here for all you readers who missed it both times. I hope you're happy I've savored it for you!)
Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like and stood there with a grin on his face.
"No. You don't understand," I tried to explain. "I've had Sex since I was nine years old!"
He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
"When I got married, and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He told me I didn't need a special room for sex, that he didn't care what we did as long as we paid our bill.'
"I tried to explain to him that the problem was that Sex kept me awake at night."
The clerk grinned and replied, "Funny, but I have that same problem!" But he assigned us an other room.
Next day I entered Sex in a show being held in town. But during his morning run he got loose and last seen was chasing a squirrel across a street full of traffic. I was left standing, undecided what to do. Another contestant asked me why I was looking so angry. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the show.
"Wow," he exclaims. If you sell tickets, you ought to clean up!"
"But you don;t understand," I added, "I want to have Sex on TV."
"I don't see you as the type," he replies. "Besides, that's no big deal anymore. They already have a lot of that on Cable."
My wife didn't understand all the time I spent with my dog so, eventually we seperated. We went to court, where I made sure to announce i wanted custody. I told the judge, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
"The court is not a confessional," he replied."Please stick to the facts of the case."
"But my wife didn't even care when Sex left me," I added. "When Sex left me again last night I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop stopped me and asked what I was doing in an alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I told him I was just looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
(This was reprinted by request in Dear Abby's column, but this slightly revised version is offered here for all you readers who missed it both times. I hope you're happy I've savored it for you!)
R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: "Best Joke I've Heard This Week:
A news photographer called the local airport on his cellphone to charter a flight to cover a hillside fire. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
On arrival, he spotted a plane warming up, hurried over to it, tossed his camera gear in and jumped in, slamming the door shut and yelling, "I'm set. Let's go."
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. With the wind blowing crosswise the ascent was a bit bumpy. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley in low passes" so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"So I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides. I'm a news photographer and we need some good shots for tonight's TV news."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally stammering, "So what you're telling me is that you're NOT my flight instructor?"
On arrival, he spotted a plane warming up, hurried over to it, tossed his camera gear in and jumped in, slamming the door shut and yelling, "I'm set. Let's go."
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. With the wind blowing crosswise the ascent was a bit bumpy. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley in low passes" so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"So I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides. I'm a news photographer and we need some good shots for tonight's TV news."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally stammering, "So what you're telling me is that you're NOT my flight instructor?"
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