All of us, at one time or another, consider how we would like people to remember us. And the last chance we get at doing something positive about it is when ordering our tombstones - with our epitaphs that they will carry evermore.
Most people leave this job to next-of-kin - possibly uneasy about facing their mortality - and hope for a few words in loving memory. And sometimes that works out fine. But other times, perhaps because next-of-kin isn't thinking too clearly at that point, no epitaph is furnished, or the one given presents a mixed message, like the one inscribed by one widow, which read, "Rest in Peace...Until We Meet Again."
Think how much more interesting epitaphs could be if we put some thought in on personalized messages to those following after us, like some words of advice, some helpful philosophical commentary, or even some note on how we spent our lives. If this could be done with a sense of humor, maybe we could even help calm the fears of the unknown that facing death brings for those who still have it to face.
I've often thought, for example, that I'd like people to remember that I fought all mu life against the deterioration of the English language, both as teacher and writer. Maybe my epitaph should read, "I Have No Words Left," or, as one person who knows me well, has said, "Why not just print 'Last Word.' so you can always have the last word?"
I mentioned the idea to a cartoonist I've worked with on occasion and now he is trying to decide between two epitaphs for himself: "End Panel" (an inside term understood by such artists) or "Under new syndication".
Another friend, who has a big family to care for, so has never been able to give up a job he dislikes in order to pursue a less secure but longed-for writing career, somewhat morbidly suggested he could epitaph with "Queried, Married, Harried, Buried." If he ever makes the change, though, I thought he could change it to something like "Accepted At Last." Even though perhaps only other writers, like magazine freelancers, would understand the joy inherent in the phrase, which usually meant a check was enclosed.
These examples set me thinking of other possibilities. A centenarian might, for example, inscribe, "Life Just Tired Me Out!" A housewife might like the wry humor in "Rumor Has It I'm Just Resting."And practically any life's occupation could be mini-chronicled with wry (or awry) humor too.
As a long-time sports buff, I first thought how athletes might better be remembered. A professional baseball player, for instance, might be epitaphed, "Struck Out!" or "Thumbed Out of the Game" or even "What I Really Miss Is That Seventh Inning Stretch."
A pro football player might use "Last Down" or "Thrown For A Loss" or maybe "Traded: No Option." A minor league basketball player might use "Called Up to the Majors.".And a pro golfer might record "Finally, a Hole-In-One." A boxer? "KO'd Again!"
Don't these make you think more friendily about the deceased than merely a name and cold started and finished dates on a tombstone? They bring the reader rather a smile than a tear. And that's more the way we would all like to be remembered if we had our druthers, isn't it - laughing at death
I liked that thought so much that I got a peer group of friends to help me compose the following list of tongue-in-cheek occupational epitaphs.
FOR THE...
...secretary: "Period" or "Last Long Coffee Break" or, for the more frisky lass, "Last Lap."
...bookkeeper: "Closing the Books."
...teacher: "Vacation, At Last!" or "On Sabbatical."
...minister: "Found A Higher Calling" or "Amen Already!"
...lawyer: "Defense Rests" or "My Case Was Dismissed,"
...policeman: "10-4."
...dentist: "Just Filling Another Cavity."
...banker:"Foreclosed" or "You Can't Be More Bankrupt Than This!"
...pilot: "Changed My Wings."
...marathon runner: "I Didn't Really Train For This Distance" or "Ran Dead Last This Time."
...cowboy: "Last Roundup" or simply "Whoa!"
...miner: "Who Says You Can't Keep A Good Man Down?"
...railroad engineer: "Heading For the Terminal" or"Deadheading Home."
...train conductor: "Rerouted" or "End of the Line."
...porter: "Carrying On, As Usual."
...waiter: "This REALLY Isn't My Station" or "HE Got My Attention."
...usher: "It's All General Admission, You Know!""
,,,ticket taker: "Waiting for the Main Attraction."
...construction worker: "My Own Little Cornerstone!"
...electrician: "Short Circuited."
...union member: "Paying My Dues,"
...singer: "I Really Would Have Preferred An Encore."
...musician: "Sitting In With Gabe" or maybe just "Taps."
...actor: "Upstaged Again" or "Last Curtain" or This Is the Worst Review I've Ever Had."
...TV producer: "It's A Wrap" or "Show Cancelled."
...disc jockey: "Signing Off" or "Left Without An Exit Line."
...comedian: "This Is No Joke" or Laugh, I Tought I'd Die!"
...editor: "Final Edition" or "Deadlined."
...statistician: "Aftermath" or "Back to Basics: 3X6X6."
...undertaker: " Where's the Profit In This?"
...auctioneer: "Going! Going! GONE!"
...gambler: "Cashed In."
...travel agent" "And I Didn't Even Have to Make A Reservation."
...insurance agent: "Contract Voided."
...beautician: "Permanent?"
...shoemaker: "Beyond Repair" or "Soled Out,"
...job placement manager: "Between Jobs."
...military general: "At Ease At Last" or "So We Don't Just Fade Away After All!"
...politician: "I Really Never Touight It Would End Like This."
...elevator operator: "I Hope I Pushed the UP Button."
...columnist: "30."
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