R. Loeffelbein's DOG DOGMA: Christmas Doesn't Have to Be "Just Another Day" For Our Dogs"

     To show that most dog owners tend to share Christmas with their pets it has been discovered that 73% of pet owners have signed a greeting card from their dog.
     So it is only logical that we, the dog's companion and helpmate, would be interested in any study of doggie noises as he tries to talk to us, right? Luckily, Japanese researchers analyzed many thousands of woofs, wails and growls to develop a gadget called the Bow Lingual, which translates a dog's utterances into one of 200 phrases on a hand-held monitor. I first saw it advertised in 2003, but have never seen it in any pet shop I've frequented, even though it was said to be in U.S. shops at that time (but never mentioned which shops or where).
     This would be a handy gadget, though my companion is a Basenji and the breed doesn't bark. But, since mine is a not-apparent mix he does bark. He also sits and yodels on hearing any siren. He barks only to get his messages across and he is very good at it. As a watchdog he leaves nothing to an intruder's imagination with his challenge. When he wants into the house he sits in front of a window and barks once, short and sharp. If he wants attention, he stands directly in front of me, ears alert and stares expectantly into my face, and does it until I notice and ask him "What?" He will than go to the door, to go out, or the kitchen, for food, or the coat rack, which holds his collar and leash for daily walks. In short he has beaten this handicap of non-speech with logic and patience. Most dogs will do the same if we but pay attention. But it would still be nice to have one of those Bow Linguals!
     Another item I've noted that might be handy, though the notice was only a U.S. Patent Office number (6871616). It was a combination leash and umbrella, for people who hate wet hair smell coming into the house.
     Even handier might be the illustrated hard-cover book and accompanying CD, titled "Relaxation Music for Your Dog", composed by the japan School of Music Therapy. The CD features friendly frequencies designed to calm your dog; the book is filled with "adorable" dog photos and "memorable "quotes. (Dog Recreation Pack, The Music Sales Group, $14.95).
     For those, like Daniel Keeton, who like to include their dog in the celebration, there is Dawg Grog, which Daniel, who works in Bend, Oregon's Boneyard Brewery, has concocted from spent grain and vegetable broth. It sells at the Visit Bend Store. Perhaps not so surprisingly this isn't the only dog grog being marketed. The other has been created by a Dutch pet shop owner who ljust wanted to have drinks with his Wleimeraner after hunts. But the date on the clipping where I saw it was January 2007, so you may have to Google it if you too want to drink with your dog.
     If this pastime overlaps with football season, think about getting your dog a replica football stadium bed - $60 to $80. Much more comfortable  than just curling up beside your easy chair. I don't know where they are sold, but I saw one in Sports Illustrated Magazine, Dec. 2014 issue.
     Dog food companies have, for some years now, kept track of hotels and motels that welcome travelers with their pets. Just contact them for listings.
     Just as handy to have would be a list of toxic plants for dogs. Contact aspco.org/toxic plants..
      Pet-friendly airlines - Pet Airways, based in Delray Beach, Florida, and operating out of Washington, New York, Denver, Chicago and Los Angeles basically - likewise enjoined traveler-dog convenience. Seats have room for 50 dog and cat carriers, which are checked every 15 minutes by an attendant. Much better than shipping pets in cargo planes, where they could be exposed to temperature extremes, poor ventilation and rough handling! One-way fares vary from $150 to $400, depending upon dog size and destination. Google www.pet airways.com.
     Of course you are going to give gifts to your dog too, so look at some niftys my dog has nosed with interest during shopping tours.
     How about a Bubble Ball? It speaks to your dog as he plays with it. I have no idea what it says: "Easy,boy!", "Good hit, but put more spin on it", "Ten more mnutes of your exercise time remaining"? (Pet Querks for $8.99.)
     Another talking item is eTag's digital Dog-e-Tag ($39.95 by phoning 866-364-3824). Get up to 40 lines of info on the e-Tag, like "Go home now!" or "Dinner time," or even "Get away from that hussy of a Poodle."
     And then there is the Flying Squirrel, a squirrel your dog can finally catch! It's a squared-off furry Frisbee. Sells for $8.95 to $12.95 if your pet store has them.
   

R. Loeffelbein's DOG DOGMA: New Year's Resolutions I'm Suggesting to My Dog

I won't challenge the garbage collector any more. I've learned he is not stealing our stuff.
I will shake the snow off BEFORE entering the living room and jumping on the sofa.
I will no longer come into the bedroom, after outdoor ablutions are completed, and stick my cold nose under the covers on mistress's bare back.
I promise to cease playing tug-of-war with the master's underwear while he is on the toilet.
Nor will I play with the wash on the laundry line, no matter how evocatively the wind plays with it. (Though it beats me how the mistress can pass up such great fun,)
I will try to remember the sound of a can opener is not a call for me, and that my head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I must remember that kitty box crunchies are not food. They don't eliminate easily.
I promise not to eat the cat's food, either before or after they eat it.
And I'll remember that the diaper pail is not a water dish, nor a cookie jar.
I will stop being so particular and not use a clean place on the carpet whenever I have to throw up.
I will continue to inspect, but not roll on, dead fish we come across in our walks along the river.
I definitely will not throw up in the car. The master has threatened "NO more car rides!"
I will try to remember not to stand up while lying under the coffee table while mistress is pouring coffee for the ladies.
I'm going to stop barking every time there is a doorbell rung on the TV. I was finally told we don't have a doorbell.)
I will not roll my squeak toys under the daveno or the fridg. (The mistress doesn't clean under there very well so they don't taste good when I get them back.)
I will take time from my busy walks to smell the behinds.
I must not lick mistress's face after nosing pigeon poop.
I will cease chewing crayons. Last time the master thought I was hemorrhaging and was ready to take me to the vet.
While on a drive I will try not to drool along the side of the car when I have my head out the widow.
I won't ever again bite the officer's hand when he reaches into the car for mistress's driver's license and registration. Turns out mistress can be wrong on occasion!

R. Loeffelbeins whatchama column: "The Continuing Evolution of Language:

     It 's been said "language evolves organically", but individuals have created languages of their own, hoping to devise a universal tongue by which all cultures might communicate. This doesn't include such  fads as Pig Latin and Double Dutch, which I remember as early childhood attempts at coding language so as to foil parental understanding. I have no idea how or when or where either of those got started, though both are just complex enough not to have been invented by the children who favored them.
    On the other hand, we have Volapuk and Esperanto.
     Volapuk (properly spelled with an umlaut over the u) was devised in 1879 by a German priest named Johann Martin Schleyer. He claimed the idea came from a vision of the Tower of Babel and a little divine inspiration.
     Esperanto was introduced by  L.I. Zamenhof in 1887. From it came a language called Ido (the Esperanto word for "child") and another called Interlingua.
     Also in the 1800s a poet and minister, named William Barnes, attacked the English language, trying to make it "Englisher". He wondered what the English language would look like if it was stripped of all Latin and Greek "root" words. (Check your dictionary to be surprised how many there are!) Some of his substitute words, produced in his "Pure English" dictionary, made perfect sense while others produced chuckles and still others needed translating for understanding.
     The substitute word for "photograph", from Greek words meaning "light" and "writing", he thought should be "sunprint". That makes sense. See what you make of some of his other substitutes.

Anniversary would become "year-day".
Affirmative would become "ayesome".
Alienate - "unfrenden".
Botany - "wortlore".
Conscience - "inwit".
Contrary - "thwartsome".
Democracy - "folkdom".
Divisible- "sundersome".
Dictionary - "word-book".
Negative - "naysome".
Opposites - "overthwartings".
Quality - "suchness".
Quantity - "muchness".

     We often don't realize that many words we use are 100 years old, like the above. For example, here is a little surprising list Reader's Digest compiled that date back to 1917: advertorial, chowhound, cootie, gaga, lounge lizard, pep pill and even the abbreviation OMG!
     Since then the sciences have probably coined the most new words. And the military has likewise been word-active. But the most useful general usage words have probably come from authors and writers for newspapers and magazines. Just to remind you of some you've probably forgotten the birth of Reader's Digest has come to our aid again.
     "Nerd" came from Dr. Seuse in the 1950s when he named one of his oddlball creatures that in "If I Ran the Zoo". "Twitter", long before Google utilized it, came from Geoffrey Chaucer, indicating someone "carping continually". "Yahoos", likewise, did not originate with Google, but with Jonathan Swift in "Gulliver's Travels", though the term then indicated  "the dregs of humankind". "Flummox" came from Charles Dickens' "Pickwick Papers" and "boredom" from his "Bleak House". John Milton coined "pandemonium" in "Paradise Lost", H.G. Wells first used "atom bomb" in his 1914 novel "The World Set Free", and Lewis Carroll invented "chortle" and "galumph" in his nonsense poem "Jabberwocky".
     And new words keep coming after all this time. One I love is "tyrunt", indicating a child who bosses everyone around. A useful term in our burgeoning digital world is "fidgetal", indicating one continually fidgeting with his phone or whatever. Both are borne courtesy of Lizzie Skurnick in "That Should Be A Word".
     Reddit.com offers the term "cellfie" to replace "mug shot" and "dogtor" for "veterinarian". Jennifer Braunschweiger, in a piece titled "Lessons In Beauty" in Fast Company Magazine (April 2017), came up with "incentivizing", meaning rewarding loyal customers by varied means. And Gary Hallock, who has been producing and hosting the O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships for 26 years, termed competitors "punslingers".
     Now, to put all the foregoing into perspective, the Webster's Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary I have used since 1996 - thus already 21 years old - encompasses 2229 pages. What is it going to look like in another 20 years?

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Smile Awhile With Me"

     I love well crafted jokes. And these I have collected are so crafted they appear to be short-short stories, with surprise endings.

     John, fresh out of college with high grades in accounting courses, went for interview for a well-paying job. The interview went well, consisting of questions about both his background and his education. One final question was "What is three times seven?"
     "22," quickly replied a surprised John. The interviewer sadly shook his head.
     John, once outside the interview room, checked his calculator and frowned, knowing he wouldn't get the job.
     But a week later he received a call telling him he was hired for the job. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, he joyfully accepted and said he would report for work the next day.
     When he got to work the next day, he had to ask how he had gotten the job after getting such a simple question wrong.
     His new boss shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, you were the closest!"

     A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche Turbo in front of his office to show it off to colleagues. As he reached to open the door to embark a truck came barreling down the street, weaved toward the car and tore the door off.
     Fortunately, a police cruiser saw the accident and pulled up behind the ravaged Porsche. Before the cop could ask a single question the lawyer was in his face screaming about his new Porsche being wrecked and the truck not even stopping. As he finally wound down, the cop held up a hand to stop the torrent .
     "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, shaking his head. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't think of the more important things "
     "How can you say such a thing?" yelled the lawyer    
     "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing, along with the door?" the cop answered in disbelief.
     The lawyer glanced down and screamed, "Oh, my God! My Rolex!"

     A big-shot businessman, who had to spend a couple days in the hospital, was a royal pain to the nurses. He bossed them around just as he did his employees. Only the head nurse could stand up to him. She walked into his room and told him she had to take his temperature. He grumbled and crossed his arms, but opened his mouth.
     "Sorry," the nurse said. "But for this reading I can't use an oral thermometer."
     He grumbled some more, but turned onto his stomach and bared his backside. After inserting the thermometer the nurse said, "I have to get something. You stay still until I get back."
     She must have left the door open on her way out and he cursed under his breath as he heard people laughing as they passed by his door.
     Eventually the doctor noticed the open door and came in. "What's going on?" he asked.
     "Can't you tell when someone is having their temperature taken?" the patient growled.
     After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, of course, but never with a daffodil!"

     You DID smile, didn't you?)
   

R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Thinking Like A Dog"

     Don't you ever wonder what your dog is thinking? I did, so I paid attention to his expressions and actions the past several days. Some of his thoughts seemed pretty obvious. For examples:

My human has already slept 15 minutes past our usual wake-up time! What if he's dead?
Why does my human leave the house every day when he could curl up on the daveno and sleep with me?
But he seems to be sort of a masochist anyhow. Can you believe he voluntarily takes a bath every day.
Why do humans wear different costumes every day? Do they somehow make humans more acceptable for mating?
And why does he insist on dressing me up on Halloween? Can't he see all the hair I have to cover me?
Why does my human talk in a natural voice to other people, but in a high-pitched child's voice to me? In dog years I'm older than he is.
Of course, I want to go outside. How does he always know?
Wonder if I never find out "Who's a good boy?" he's always telling me about?
When he leaves the house, wonder if he never comes back to feed me?
I finished my dinner. He's so slow I usually offer to help him finish his, but he never shares.
Why do humans harvest our poop?
I don't want the ball. Then my human throws it. Now I want the ball!
If I wasn't around, my human would lose every ball he has. I don't understand why he throws them away if he still wants them.
When my human runs around the neighborhood, he says it's exercise. When I do it, though, he yells at me.
What is my human thinking when he hooks me up to a leash? Is he afraid he will get lost?
Why doesn't my human listen to me when I bark warnings about that dangerous man who slinks around the neighborhood leaving messages in peoples' mailboxes?

R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "The 'First Dog' Named Fido"

     Abraham Lincoln, U.S. President 1861-1865, loved animals.

     Fido, a yellow mutt of a dog, entered the Lincoln household in Springfield, VA, in 1855 and quickly became a family fixture. He learned mock circus tricks from Lincoln's sons, trailed along with Abe on market errands, and, to Mary Todd's horror, greeted guests with middy paw-to- hand shakes. 

     Fido was too big and rambunctious to join the Lincolns in the White House in 1861, but Abe 

brought a veritable petting zoo of animals into the White House: rabbits, goats, ponies and a trio of kittens rescued from a Union Army prison camp.

     Fido did join his new owners at the Springfield train station to hear Abe's farewell speech. And, when Abe's casket returned in May 1965, Fido was there, too, to greet his former master. Media coverage for the funeral turned Fido, at that time, into the most famous dog in America. 

(Source: Reader's Digest Nov. 2015)

========

More DOGerel

This ad showed up on the bulletin board at the Queen of Angels Hospital:

"Sophisticated, city-bred German Shepherd wishes to rent one or two-bedroom house, furnished, with yard. Has two quiet, well-behaved adults."

Another Ad: "Lassie, Come home. All is forgiven. It was a wet umbrella."

And, from the Saginaw, MI, News: "For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy."

And from the Indianapolis News: "Grown Boxer. AKC-registered. Will eat anything. Especially fond of children."

Jack worked his way through medical school at nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could serve his constituents well  by combining the practices of medicine with taxidermy. He opened his practice with a shingle on the door reading: "Dr. Jack Jones. Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy. 'Either way you get your dog back.'"

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: 'Jokes I've Heard Good Enough to Repeat"

    . I love jokes with real surprise endings, like these:

1) Our boss was complaining in our staff meeting recently that he wasn't getting any respect. So later he brought in a small sign reading "I'm the Boss!" and had it placed prominently on his office door.
Still later, when he returned from lunch, he found someone had taped a notice to the sign. It read: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back."

2) A New York family bought a ranch in Idaho, where they intended to raise cattle. Visiting friends asked if the ranch had a name.
   "Well, I wanted to name it Bar-O. My wife wanted to name it the Suzy-Q. One son wanted to call it the Flying-W, while the other son preferred the Lazy-Y. So we pleased everyone and named it the Bar-O-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy Y,"replied the would-be cattleman.
     "But where are all your cattle?" asked the friend.
     "None survived the branding!" was the sad reply.

3) A guy entered a bar, saw a friend drinking alone at a table.
"You look terrible," he tells the friend. "What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June and left me $10,000," the friend replies.
"I'm sorry to hear about your mother, that's tough, but the money is nice."
"Then in July," the friend continues, "my father died, leaving me $20,000."
"Wow, both parents gone so close together! No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died and left me $15,000," adds the friend.
"Three close family members lost in three months! That's really sad."
"Then, this month," continues the friend, "nothing!."

4) Two hunters hire a plane to fly them to Siberia to hunt bears. Upon landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with one pilot, two passengers and one bear."
But the hunters have great luck and return with two bears.
"I told you, "says the pilot, "ONE bear."
The hunters argue that the previous year, upon payment of an additional 100 rubles,he had allowed them to load two bears. After a long continuing argument and negotiation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and loads the two bears.
After struggling the plane into the air and skimming tree tops for about three miles, the plane gives up and plummets into a huge snow bank. Tunneling up out of the snow and the load of bears, one of the hunters asks the pilot where he thinks they are.
"He glances around and says, "About the same place we crashed last year."

R. Loeffelbein's LISTS BLOG: "List of Things Invisible"

     How can one plagiarize "nothing"?
     This thought intrigued me as I browsed an item in Reader's Digest circa 7/8/17, because that is exactly what I intended doing and will have now done, following my admission. I hope originator "Flora" will forgive me, but this really tickled my sense of ill-logic.

LIST: Top Five Things That Are Invisible

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

See what I mean?










1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

See what I mean?
   

R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "My Dog's Questions"

     We humans often sit, seemingly idle, at times, but actually we are probably day dreaming, asking ourselves questions that have vexed us at one time or another. With this in mind, I noted my dog, Red, sitting seemingly idle also yesterday, but with his ears erect and an interested look on his face that made me think that he, also, might well be asking himself questions that have vexed him at one time or another. What kind of questions would vex a dog, you ask? Well, surprisingly, right off the cuff I could think of a number I'd wonder about if I were Red. Think about that yourself and I'll bet you can come up with quite a list yourself.
     Right at the top of my list was, "Why do humans, who seem to have perfectly good noses, love to go around smelling the flowers but never enjoy smelling one another's butts"
     "And will it still be considered an unacceptable affront in the afterlife to greet one's human friends by sticking one's nose into their crotch?"
     And I wondered if my dog thought he was being a bad dog by barking, just for the joy of it, in the house when no one was there to hear him?
     And, "Do you suppose there are mailmen in Heaven and, if there are, am I going to have to apologize? And tell any garbage collectors there that I'm sorry for the way I acted, that I know now that they weren't stealing our trash?"
     Likewise, "are the wastes of this world going to be available for our olfactory senses to enjoy as we roll in them, like decaying fish and leavings of the horses in our pasture?"
     Will it still be considered impolite - when I try to be fastidious - sitting in the middle of the living room and licking my crotch?"
     If we are man's best friend, like I've heard voiced around, how come there are cars named after rabbit, colt, mustang, stingray and cougar, but not one named for a dog> How much trouble would it be to change the Christler Eagle to the Beagle, for instance?"
     Will some of the things taught me in this world still have relevance where I go when I pass on, like: "The master's bed is not a dog towel for use after a rainy day walk, the living room carpet is not kept as a handy solution for an itchy butt, and the cat's food is not meant for me, even if the cat has thrown it up."
     The most worrysome wonderment, though, is whether I"ll get my testicles back in Heaven!!!
   

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Smile Awhile"

     People who have that sneaky mental twist that allows them to smile at mankind's fumbles and foibles by putting one of those into a joke deserve accolades in our today's world of toil and strife. Wouldn't you agree?    
     Unfortunately, I can't give the originators of the following yuks, which I consider well worthy of passing on, because I gleaned them from a column titled The Edge, over a period of time, in the local  Lewiston Tribune, where they were not credited. But I think those originators will be happy to share anonymously anyhow.\

1) A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by her child's kindness and gave her the dollar. Curious, she asked the child, "Isn't the lady able to work anymore?"
     "Oh, yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

2) My neighbor lady was talking to her four-year old son about imminent family visitations. He asked her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talked funny and sounded like their noses were plugged up.
     "Well, they think we talk funny too," she said. "Everybody talks in different ways. They think we talk really slow, with our words all d-r-a-w-n out."
     The boy's eyes got big and he whispered seriously, "You mean they hear funny too?"

3) The small boy asked his father how people came to be. His father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, their babies became adults and made more babies, and on and on like that."
     Not satisfied with that, the boy then went to his mother and asked her how people came to be..She told him, "We were monkeys first, then we evolved into people like we are now."
     Confused, the boy raced back to his father and told him, "You lied to me. Mom said we were monkeys. We didn't come from Adam and Eve."
     The father, unperturbed,  replied, "Your mom was talking about HER side of the family!

4) Harry walked up to the minister after services, "You know, reverend, I'm in a real quandary. I'd like to attend church next Sunday, but I can't possibly miss the big game next Sunday."
     "But, Harry," replied the rev, "don't you know that is what DVRs are for?"
     Harry's face lit up. "You mean I could record your sermon?"

5) A flight attendant on a cross country flight about 30 minutes out of Los Angeles nervously announced, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners available.
     When the passengers muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal, though, will receive free drinks for the remainder of the trip."
      Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available."

6) There was a papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole who lived in a hole in the country near a farmhouse. One morning papa mole poked his head outside the hole and announced,. "Mama, I smell sausage."
     So mama mole poked her head out and added, "Ummm. And I smell pancakes."
     So baby mole tried to stick his head out the hole, but couldn't because his parents were blocking it. Disappointed, he whined, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

Admit it. You smiled awhile, didn't you?

R.Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "The Way Your Dog Would Like You to Grow Old"

     (This came off the Internet uncredited, which is too bad because the author surely would be a nice person to know.)

     When I am old:
I will wear soft gray sweatshirts, and a bandanna over my silver hair
And I will spend my Social Security checks on wine and my dogs.
I will sit in my house on my well-worn chair, and listen to my dogs breathing.
I will sneak out in the middle of a warm summer night and take my dogs for a run, if my old bones will allow.
When people call, I will smile and nod as I introduce my dogs, and talk of them and about them, so beloved are they.
I will still work hard cleaning after them, mopping, and feeding them and whispering their names in a soft loving way they understand.
I will wear the gleaming sweat on my throat like a jewel and I will be an embarrassment to all, especially my family, who have not yet found the peace in being free to have dogs as best friends... friends who always wait, at any hour, for your footfall, and eagerly jump to their feet out of a sound sleep to greet you as if you are a God.
With their warm eyes so full of adoring love, they hope you will always stay.
I'll hug their big strong necks; I'll kiss their dear sweet heads, and whisper in their very special company.
I look in the mirror, and see that I am growing old.
Please accept me for who I am,
For this is the kind of person I am, and have always been.
Loving dogs is easy; they are a part of me.
My dogs appreciate my presence in their lives and, when I am old, this will be important to me.
You will understand when you are old, if you have dogs to love too!

R. Loeffelbein's LISTS: "There's An App For THAT!"

     Computerists code the most innovative and oddest apps into the World Wide Web! I enjoy browsing this fount of obtuse ingenuity on occasion. My most recent foray brought up the following list you might look up if you, too, are a curious and adventuresome type person.

These company Websites advertise novelties that intrigued me: 

     a wooden toy that teaches coding: Cubetto (from Primo Toys).

     3-D printed shoes: Futurecraft 3-D (from Adidas)

      a wearable toy that kids can program: Mover Kit (from Technology Will Save Us)

     a slick electric bike: Oko (from Biomega)

      A plug-in gadget that makes cars run cleaner: Voyo (from Frog)

These Websites actually DO things:

Record your life in GIFs::Glphy Cam (from Giphy)

Kids choreograph dances for monsters: Monster Moves (from Ideo)

Scanning allows you to try on clothes virtually: Avametric (from Avametric)

App changes the color temperature of your screen as it gets later in the day, to ease eye strain and work with your body's sleep schedule: Flux

A team picks the best You Tube videos daily and posts them to its site daily: Devour.com

Site explores possibility that early mankind was scientifically advanced because of intervention from extraterrestrial beings:AncientX.com

Site lets you write an e-mail to yourself that will arrive in the day, month and year in the future that you select (if you keep the same e-mail address): FutureMe.org

Service streams music to fit your musical preference, temps and  mood - sad to aggressive: Ghostlycom/discovery

Simple calculator determines what time you should fall asleep based on your targeted wake time, waking you between your natural sleep cycles to get the best start for your day: Sleepyti.me

Site simply offers a 90-second breather from computer activities, featuring the theme from TVs Lost series: TheQuietPlace Project.com/90seconds

Beta site with interactive timeline incorporating photos, videos and audio in a visual tour of the origins of the universe, our solar system and humanity itself: ChromeZoomProject.org

Specify the recording artist you would like to hear and this site will stream its music AND suggest the perfect cocktail accompaniment: Drinkify.org

This mythology encyclopedia includes 4,000 or so entries on supreme beings, demons and deities from every culture: Godchecker.com

Political screw-up tweets, even deleted ones, are shown: Politiwoops.com

Illustrators each week take intriguing or funny tweets and turn them into cartoons: Twaggies.com

And lastly, but far from least intriguing:

An amazing and amusing plethora of photos of unusual things, people and happenstances: WhereCoolThingsHappen.com

R. Loeffelbein's LISTS: "How to Foretell the Future"

     Mankind has continually searched for a method of hepatoscopy (foretelling his future), and failed, unfortunately (or fortunately perhaps). My following list shows some of the innovated methods, which have shown some intriguing imagination, however. Take a look.

Astrology: This "science" or "art" was practiced by the ancient Chaldeans and found in the theories of ancient religions. It is based on the signs or omens "seen" in the stars and the constellations they form, which make up the Zodiac. These groups or constellations in the Zodiac were given names taken from mythological lore and their changing patterns were noted to mark the changing seasons. Each pattern was given a "significance". If "properly read" these patterns foretell an individual's or the world's futures.

Bibliomancy: Reading into the future by consulting some book, secular or sacred.
     A common practice for the credulous in divination is to open the Bible and place the index finger at random on the text. The message therein, in case of distress, will suggest a solution. But, if the words have no bearing on the particular distress, the message is unfavorable.
     To ask a question on a doubtful matter open the Bible and note the first word on the left-hand page. If the word has an even number of letters, the answer is "No"., and uneven number of letters, the answer is "Yes".
     An Old English custom is to lay the Bible on the table on New Year's Day and have each member of the family open it at random and read the prediction of things to come for the new year from suggested contents of the two open pages.

Capnomancy: Divination by means of smoke. Smoke ascending dark and dense foretells evil to come; ascending straight and light, the opposite.

Catoptromancy: Divination with the aid of a mirror
     If a child is taken to a mirror before he/she is a year old, the child will have an early death.
     Looking into a mirror by candlelight will bring on bad luck.
     Mirrors and pictures of deceased persons are covered while the corpse lies in state at home to prevent the spirit from seeing itself.

Cledonism: Divination from words "used occasionally", or, sometimes, associated with the movements  of birds.

Cleromancy: Learning the unknown by "casting lots", such as throwing dice, flipping a coin, consulting cards, shaking pebbles or nuts, or saying "magical" words like "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe".

Coscinomancy: Divination through consulting the manner of oscillation or shaking of a suspended "sieve".

Dactiliomancy: Divination using a ring suspended by a string and noting its rotating movements, and its stopping at some marked letters to indicate answers to queries.

Dreams: Dream wandering in confusion portends an impending event. Many specific dreams have been given meanings:
     Whatever one dreams while sleeping under a new blanket or quilt will turn out real.
     Morning dreams go by contraries.
     Told before breakfast, dreams bring bad luck.
     Muddy water - trouble or an impending death.
     Dreaming of a white horse means you will become rich.

Fortune Telling: One's birthday foretells his/her fortune:
     Mondays' child is fair of face.
     Tuesday's child is full of grace.
     Wednesday's child is sorry and sad.
     Thursday's child is merry and glad.
     Friday's child is loving and giving.
     Saturday's child must work for a living.
     But the child born on the Sabbath Day is bonny and merry and glad and gay.

Magic Crystal: The "magic crystal", a kind of divining mirror, may be any size, usually spherical, and turned from pure rock. It offers divination and communication with the "living dead".

Onomancy: Divination of good or ill fortune from the letters of a person's name.

Palmistry: Foretells events, and character, from the shape, fatty tissues (mounds), and lines of the hands, fingers, nails, etc.
     Chirognomy: assessing a person's character on the basis of the shape and general appearance of the hands.
     Chiromancy: Prophecy from indications of the hands.
     Onychomancy" Foretelling on the basis of characteristics of the finger nails.

Phrenology: Character reading from the size and shape of the human skull.    
     Medical anatomist Franz J. Gall developed the theory that the outer surface of the skull corresponded with the contents of the brain, and that regions of the brain were correlated with character traits.

Physiognomy: Popular in the 16th century, this was built upon the theory that bodily characteristics reveal mental characteristics. It was forbidden by the English Parliament  in 1743.

Scapulimancy/omoplatoscopy: Reading the future from the features of an animal's shoulder blade.

 

    

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Intriguing Things You May Not Have Heard About"

     Today it is difficult to believe that around the turn of the 20th century people in our government were considering doing away with the patent office because "Everything that could be invented has already been invented".
  That was a silly supposition. Since then even an avid reader finds it impossible to keep up with what's being invented in all areas of our culture. The daily newspaper doesn't even cover much that is newsworthy. Let's look at just a few intriguing items as examples.

FASHION STATEMENT: Elizabeth Esponnette, an assistant professor of product design at the University of Oregon, has made a jacket out of sprouted chia seeds and muslin, a filmy gown from hot glue and water and a cocktail dress composed of alum salt crystals, which actually grew into form. In explanation she stated, "By calling on nature, and making clothing that will biodegrade and become something else, I'm trying to allude to  the need for a circular process in manufacturing, instead of a linear process that ends with things being thrown out."
     She envisions a completely different world where clothing could be made to order on a 3-D printer building items straight from yarn, with no waste. She has proved the technology works, even though she has no products yet. Further, she is working with 3-D printers to come up with ways that a person's bodily measurements could be transferred directly to the printer, ensuring excellent fit and no-seams strength.
(Story courtesy of Oregon Quarterly, winter 2016 issue, written by Rosemary Howe Camozzi.)

FUTURE NEIGHBORHOODS: Residents of the soon-to-be ReGen Village in Amsterdam's outskirts will live in a self-sufficiency closed-loop system, meeting most of its needs, like energy, food and waste management - from within. It will include glass greenhouses for growing its own food, for instance. The project mastermind is California developer James Ehrlich.
     When Copenhagen entrepreneur Kim Loudrup couldn't find affordable student housing for his son, he (along with Danish architect Bjarke Ingels) built a 15-apartment complex on a floating base in the harbor, made from modular shipping containers. They rent for $600 each.
     One of New York City's most popular parks has been built on an abandoned elevated train track. Now James Ramsey and Dan Barasch are spearheading a project to build a $10 million, 60,000 square foot, plant-packed public park 20 feet below the city's traffic-clogged streets. Aluminum and glass super conductors will harness and redirect sunlight  to a distribution point via fibre-optic cables, then a "solar canopy" of aluminum panels will distributes the sun's rays.
(Stories in Fast Company Magazine, Feb. 2017.)

HOMELIKE HOSPITALITY: Innovations can be quite simple, like Airbnb. Brian Chesky took the idea that people would like to stay in private homes during their travels in foreign countries and those homeowners would like the money this would bring them. The company, in ten years, has more than 2 million listings and a valuation of $25.5 billion, making it the largest "hotel" chain in the world. Airbnb collects 15% from every booking from guests and hosts. Chesky is 35 years old and reportedly worth over $3 billion!

PATENTED MOUSE: The oncomouse made both scientific and legal history when it became the first transgenic mammal to be granted a U.S. patent. It helps meet a need for animal models to study  cancer - how it forms and spreads in living tissue - in intact organisms  rather than cell lines in petri dishes. Patent #

CROWD CAPITALISM: Inventors and innovators since 2009 have had a huge advantage over those in earlier generations: crowd funding. That's where an idea for a product or business is floated by an online crowdfunding app and people who are interested in seeing it realized, and perhaps sharing hoped-for largesse, contribute funds. Early apps included Indiegogo, Kickstarter, Rockethub and Quirky.
  

R. Loeffelbeinn's Whatachma Column: "Debunking Triskaidekaphobia"

     Virgilius Ferm, in a little book titled 'A Brief Dictionary of American Superstitions" published way back in 1965, took it upon himself to debunk a raft of superstitions and "old wives tales" that had been in the American culture for years.
     Probably the most widely spread superstition concerned Friday the 13th, as a sure day for misfortune. People would refrain from undertaking anything of importance, even businesses would postpone concluding deals, others would be suspicious of foods, especially in restaurants, and brides would avoid it as a wedding day.
     Ferm reports that a group met on a Friday the 13th sometime around 1946 in a mortuary and, in the spirit of fun, sat around an open coffin upon  which stood 13 candles, the purpose being to evidence disregard for the superstition surrounding that specific recurring date.
     A later report, on  Friday, June 13, 1958, reported that 100 men, and their guests, met in the Chicago Athletic Club to actively defy superstitions associated with Friday the 13ths.The Chicago Daily Tribune duly reported next day that, under the leadership  of Ben Regan, the Anti-Superstition Society, composed of "aldermen, judges and leaders of the business and industrial community", including 13 vice-presidents, defied bad luck spells by breaking mirrors, walking under ladders, opening umbrellas inside and fondling black cats.
     Actually, the black cat crossing one's path bringing bad luck is only half of that superstition. The second part seems to have been lost, bit it originally stated, "Having a strange black cat make its home with one brings GOOD luck!"
     Fridays, in general, have not fared well in the arena of superstition. At one time the day brides selected for their weddings were listed in this order: "Monday for wealth, Tuesday for health, Wednesday the best day of all, Thursday for crosses, FRIDAY FOR LOSSES, and Saturday no luck at all."
     There even existed a listing of best days to cut one's fingernails, and Friday was listed under "Cut them with woe".
     Likewise, the superstition in northern Wisconsin at one time foretold disaster for anyone starting a new task or starting a journey on a Friday.
     And, of course, woe to anyone born on Friday the 13th!
    

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Surprising What You Can Find Exploring the Web!

Did you know Google processes more than 100 billion search requests worldwide each month, including queries on PCs? And that was a news tidbit from the Associated Press news bureau May 2015, so I don't know what it might be by now.

Another newsy item, from the Daily Mail, reports on a survey of technology consumption in 30 nations. The average viewer, it is reported, spends six hours and 50 minutes a day in front of various devices like smartphones, tablets, TVs and PC monitors. The ten countries with the most consumption are Indonesia, at 9 hours viewing per day, followed by the Philippines, China, Brazil, Vietnam, United States (sixth place at 7.4 hours), Nigeria, Colombia, Thailand and Saudi Arabia.
  
Personally, I love the surprises I find when I take a few idle moments to search out unusual web sites I hear or read about. Here are some for-instances I thought might also intrigue you readers that I've checked out lately:

Feetz, the first company to offer customized, fully 3-D printed shoes for everyday wear, is set to start selling early next year. According to innovator Lucy Beard the company app will translate photos of customers' feet into virtual 3-D fits. Users then select color and style from among five offerings. Cost? Between $200 and $300 per pair.

These I won't explain. I'll just let you look them up for yourself: 1) Heartless Bitches International (at heartlessbitches.com), 2) The Institute of Official Cheer (at lileks.com/institutel) and The Official Ninja Webpage: Real Ultimate Power (at realultimatepower.net).

Want to organize a village of your own? The Village to Village Network offers guidance at vtvnetwork.org).

If you fear "jumping" tarantulas or "venomous" daddy longlegs spiders, put those myths behind you and upgrade your knowledge by visiting Washington.edu/burkemuseum/spidermyths/index.html.

If a site dedicated to artistic photography of drops, splashes and other liquid action interests you look up http:/www. liquid sculpture.com/index.htm. It even includes a segment titled "Pournography".

The Annals of Improbable Research (www.improbable.com)  each year includes staff-selected IgNobel Prizes for those scientists who seem to have plumbed innocuous, or worse, projects.

Which brings us to some of the sites that may be even more useless, like 1) www.manhole.cu/index.php (the history and pictures of manhole covers of the world), 2) Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About (homepage.ntlworld.com/mil.millington/things.html) and the strangest site of all at yil.com/strange.

R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: "Best Jokes I've Heard This Month"

I really can't explain why I selected these particular five from the many I've heard recently, but each one brings a smile to my face every time I read it. Maybe it's because each has a tie-in to actuality in my life. Anyhow, judge them for yourself.

(My sister and I have never gotten along. That's probably why I liked this one. I'll play her third husband in this story.)

     Satan appeared during church service where I was attending and everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in their haste to vacate the premises. When everyone was gone I alone remained, gazing speculatively at the gate crasher.

     Satan made a surprised face and floated across the room to stand menacingly over me. "Don't you know who I am?" he demanded in his windows-shaking voice.

     "Sure do," I admitted.

     "And you aren't afraid of me," he asked, obviously not understanding this first for him.

     "You forget, I've been married to your sister for ten years," I reminded him.

                                                        ------------------------------

(When I read this one it brought back slapstick visions of the broom "the sorcerer's apprentice"  put a spell on  in the Mickey Mouse  film so-titled. You have to have seen it to really appreciate this joke.)

     Two unacquainted brooms being worked in unison to clean up a large spill in a restaurant look appraisingly at each other and one says, " We do good work. Why don't we get married and go into business for ourselves?"

     They agree, but at the marriage ceremony the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk!"

     The groom broom, in askance, asks, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together yet."

                                                      -------------------------------------

(Anyone who has traveled in New Mexico, or any other state where Indian reservations are prominent along the roadways, will understand this one, especially if you are an Easterner who still thinks the West is wild and wooly.)     

    

     Back home in an Eastern city this person was relating his harrowing vacation experience in the wild, wild West.to a neighbor. "There were Indians to the right of me, Indians to the left, and all closing in on me. I couldn't get away. It was terrible."

     "So what did you do to escape? asks the enthralled neighbor.

     "What else could I do? I bought a blanket."

                                                     ---------------------------------------

(I've always loved and kept dogs; my sister has always had a cat or two. I've never understood what she sees in cats. So this is an odd story for me to be telling, I guess. But it still tickles my fancy.)

     This man hated his wife's cat, so, fed up with it, one day, he drove it to a large park and left it there. When he returned home, however, the cat walked up the driveway to greet him.

     The next day he drove the cat to another town a few miles distant and again sped away without it. Arriving home, though, he found the cat asleep in his easy chair.

     In exasperation, he drove the cat 20 miles, down some barely perceptible roadways, over a mountain, into a valley with a thick brush and tree cover and dumped the cat again.

     Hours later his wife answered his phone call.

     "Is your cat there?" he asked.

     "Yes. Why?" she wanted to know.

     "I'm lost. And I need the cat to give me directions home!"

                                                   -------------------------------------------

(With the advent of summer and mass college graduations a whole new flock of young people have started looking for jobs. Their expectations often aren't realized. There is even humor in that.)

     The human resources officer, reaching the end of a job interview with a young "engineer", queries the young graduate: "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

     "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package," the young man replies.

     "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full dental and medical, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say a red Corvette?" was his surprising rejoinder.

     With wide eyes and a big smile, the young would-be engineer exclaims, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

     To which the interviewer replies, "Of course. But you started it."\

                                                            ********

R.Loeffelbein's OFFBEAT GOLF COLUMN: "Paper and Pencil Golf"

     Golf addicts often find time on their hands, like waiting out the weather in a hotel room, trapped in an airport lounge or even awaiting call to tee off. As a former community recreation director I was often called upon to innovate new games for waste-times like these. I did a three-handed pinochle game once and now I have a paper-and-pencil golf game for players who can't get onto the golf course.
     The game's tools are simple: five dice and an unused score card, or any piece of paper that can be marked up to simulate one, and a pencil or pen. Roll the five dice for high count to determine players' order of play.
     A game consists of 18 turns for each player, one turn per hole. Lowest total for 18 holes is the winner.
     Two different methods are used to score, one applying to holes 1 through 6 and the other for 7 through 18.
     Holes 1 through 6 cannot be scored until the dice have been rolled enough times so the number of the hole has shown on three of them. At each roll the number 1's can be held out from following rolls until three of them have been rolled. The number of rolls it takes to get three 1's is the roller's score for that hole. If it takes five rolls, you score a five for that hole.
     This same process goes on for holes 2 through 6.
     Holes 7 through 18 are scored by counting the number of rolls needed for the dice to show the number of the hole being played. For example, to hole out number 7 you could roll a 6 and a 1 on the first roll, for a birdie, or two 2's on the first roll and a 3 on the second roll, for a score of 2, etc. If a 7 total is not reached in ten rolls, mark a 10 as your score for that hole and pass the dice to the next player..
     Players may roll for any hole not already played during each turn, and do not have to tell the other players what hole they are playing until all rolls have been completed. However, the scores they make must be marked in the correct spots for a given hole on a given turn. For example, if the player ends up claiming a nine on four rolls, his score of 4 must be placed for the #9 hole. Limit again is 10 rolls. Add up scores for 18 holes. Low count wins.

    Now, if this is too complicated for anyone, I suggest they skip the game and go straight to the 19th hole!
    

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Did You Really Think the Dumb Blonde Jokes Were Dead?"

     The man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jumping across the road in front of his car. He swerves to avoid hitting it but, as rabbits are prone to do, it reverses right in front of the car and is hit.
     The driver, a sensitive man and an animal lover, stops the car and pulls over to see what has happened to the rabbit. To his dismay, the rabbit is clearly dead. The driver tears up he feels so bad about this accident.
     A beautiful blonde woman, driving down the same road, sees the man's tearful demeanor and pulls her car over, steps out and asks him what is wrong.
     "I feel terrible," he explains. "I couldn't avoid hitting this rabbit," which he indicates by pointing.
     "Don't worry," the blonde tells him before running to her car and pulling out a spray can. Then she walks over to the limp body of the rabbit, bends down and sprays it.
     The rabbit jumps up, waves a paw at the two of them and hops on down the highway. When it is ten feet away it stops, turns around and waves again. Hopping down the road another ten feet, he stops, turns and waves again. It repeats this sequence again and again until it's out of sight.
     The man is tanding there, astonished. He asks the blonde, "What the heck is in that can?"
     The blonde turns the can so he can read the label, "Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair and adds a permanent wave."

April Foolish!

-----------------

    

    

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Classic April Fools"

     The only April Fools I saw this year was on TV's America's Home Videos. Is this an annual hi-jinks that has gone passe on us? That would be a total shame.
     At 92 I can still remember the first one my 9-year old buddy and I pulled. I'm sure you won't think much of it, but, at the time, we had a great laugh at how clever we were. We phoned a neighborhood grocery where our families shopped and we knew the owner and his clerks. We asked the phone answerer, "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" He answered, "Of course." And we gave him the zinger, "Well, let him out now." And we hung up and giggled wildly at the supposed consternation at the other end of the phone.
     Today this probably needs more explanation. You see, Prince Albert was - and still may be, for all I know - a popular pipe tobacco marketed in pocket-fitting tin canisters..
     The end of this story played out differently from what we expected, though. Next time in the store the clerk told me had recognized my voice and, already having heard this same April foolishness several times that day as well as on previous April Fool's Days, he just went along with it so callers like us wouldn't be disappointed.
     Reader's Digest helped curb my disappointment in this lack this year. The magazine printed four classic April Fool gags from past years, all showing fine imagination, as well as the fact that a great many people are still pretty darn gullible.
     The magazine printed one of my all-time favorites, one I used in a column way back in 1997. Burger King had a big ad published about the new Whopper they were featuring, designed especially for left-handers. And the BK shops nationwide sold thousands of them! A straight-faced explanation of the difference to me was, "We've rotated the ingredients 180 degrees."
     My favorite from the previous year was taken so seriously that angry constituents actually forced then-Senator Edward Kennedy's office to officially deny the rumor that he was sponsoring a bill "to ban drinking while using the Internet".
     In year 2000 it was the British tabloid, the Daily Mail, that had the classic. The extolled a line of socks that "sucked body fat out of sweating feet", with this excess fat stored within the material so exercisers could then just dispose of the sox and fat.
     But the gag that showed the true gullibility of the populace came from the Swiss Tourism Board in 2000. They reported that members of the Swiss Association of Mountain Climbers scaled their Alps regularly to scrub and polish them. A video allegedly showing the cleaners at work was so popular that scores of people took the online test to see if they qualified to join the cleaning team!










    

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Golf Is A Four-Letter Word!"

     Golf is fun if you don't take it too seriously. I don't. I pretty much play with a 2 wood, a 7 iron and a putter, which proves I don't. Luckily, I have duffer friends who don't care that no serious golfers will play with us.
     Over time I have formed some thoughts on the sport that I will share, in case any reader should be considering embarking on golfing as a hobby or a healthful activity.

The sport is 10% mental and 90% temper-mental. It's not something you can play in revenge to get even with!

A golf game is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

Counting on an opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own manhood.

If you really want to become a better player, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Any change in your stroke or approach may work for three holes, or a minimum of none at all.

Don't try to keep all 230 instructions you've had in your mind during your swing.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

The less skilled a player is, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing with you.

Nonchalant putts count the same as 'chalant putts.

It's not a "gimme" if you are still "away".

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 40-foot putt when you already lie 8.

When you look up, causing a terrible shot, you will always look down and cuss at exactly the moment you should be watching the ball, if you ever want to see it again.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course will be a straight line passing directly through a very large and leafy tree.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time,,,and hit a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your many other bad habits.

No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Annother Naughty Joke?"

     The husband was leaving the house as his wife waved goodbye. The butler, Jeeves, is holding the door. Wife turns to the butler. "Jeeves, come into my room." He follows her there. "Shut the door," she commands. He does.
     "Come closer so you can hear me clearly." He does.
    "I want you to take off my dress." He does.
    "And take off my slip."
     "Now my shoes."
     "And my stockings."
     "And my bra and panties....
     And don't ever let me catch you wearing them again!"

GOT YA!

R.L.Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "About Your New Year's Resolutions"

     Starting new year 2017 at age 92 I am fairly content with my life. I'll admit there is a long list of New Year's resolutions broken along the way, but I've found most things work out OK if you just keep plugging along doing the best you can. Most resolutions I've made - and most people make - have not been life-changing anyhow.
     But recently I came across an old Dear Abby column that presented a letter from L.J. Bhatia of New Delhi, India, that is so nice that I think I will post it on the bulletin board above my desk as at least a guide upon my actions hereon. He quotes his Holy Vedas: "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."
     He goes on to state, "The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, love.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in the pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying that we are born in eternal life."

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Naughty Joke

     I think Catholic priests get teased in jokes more than any other religious denominational leader. I'm not a Catholic, but I think the two priests I know would smile - probably indulgently - at this one I found, uncredited, on the Internet. But if not, I doubt the world will stop spinning and I pray they will forgive and forget.

     A new priest, at his first mass, was so nervous he could hardly speak. But he got through it and, upon completion, asked the monsignor how he had done.
     The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about becoming nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
     Taking the monsignor's advice the next Sunday, he again started getting nervous as he faced the congregation. So he took a drink, paused as it charged his system and then proceeded to talk up a storm.
     Upon  returning to his office after the mass he found the following not pinned to the door:

"1, Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are  10 commandments, not 12,
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5, Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not 'bet his ass'.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late J.C.'
  7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'.
  8. David 'slew' Goliath. He did not 'kick the shit out of him'.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say he 'was stoned off his ass'.
 10. We do not refer to the cross as 'the Big T'.
 11. When Jesus broke bread at the last supper. he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body'. He did not say, 'Eat me'.
 12. The Virgin Mary is not called ;Mary with the cherry'.
 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!'
 14. Note that next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's'."