I think Catholic priests get teased in jokes more than any other religious denominational leader. I'm not a Catholic, but I think the two priests I know would smile - probably indulgently - at this one I found, uncredited, on the Internet. But if not, I doubt the world will stop spinning and I pray they will forgive and forget.
A new priest, at his first mass, was so nervous he could hardly speak. But he got through it and, upon completion, asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about becoming nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
Taking the monsignor's advice the next Sunday, he again started getting nervous as he faced the congregation. So he took a drink, paused as it charged his system and then proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office after the mass he found the following not pinned to the door:
"1, Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12,
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5, Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not 'bet his ass'.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late J.C.'
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'.
8. David 'slew' Goliath. He did not 'kick the shit out of him'.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say he 'was stoned off his ass'.
10. We do not refer to the cross as 'the Big T'.
11. When Jesus broke bread at the last supper. he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body'. He did not say, 'Eat me'.
12. The Virgin Mary is not called ;Mary with the cherry'.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!'
14. Note that next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's'."
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