R.Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Candid Cameos

    
 Back in the 1940s most universities of any size sponsored their own humor magazines, published through the efforts of student staffs. These were pretty much published for in-house sale - students, staff, friends, relatives and, if good enough, for
other universities’ humor magazines’ staffers to plagiarize.
 Recently, in a file cleaning out (my four four-drawer files extends back to those days when I was an aspiring journalism major), I unearthed the notebook holding this compilation of amateurish “poetry”. And I found these simple rhymes worth a few smiles. Especially several that showed things aren’t always as they seem. I love surprise endings and I thought you readers might too.

FRUSTRATION
 “Help,” the old maid hollered,
 As, at the door, she struck.
 “A man is breaking in my house
 But, oh, the lock is stuck!”

     Back in the 1940s most universities of any size sponsored their own humor magazines, published through the efforts of student staffs. These were pretty much published for in-house sale - students, staff, friends, relatives and, if good enough, for other universities’ humor magazines’ staffers to plagiarize.
     Recently, in a file cleaning out (my four four-drawer files extends back to those days when I was an aspiring journalism major), I unearthed the notebook holding this compilation of amateurish “poetry”. And I found these simple rhymes worth a few smiles. Especially several that showed things aren’t always as they seem. I love surprise endings.

FRUSTRATION
 “Help,” the old maid hollered,
 As, at the door, she struck.
 “A man is breaking in my house
 But, oh, the lock is stuck!”

A BOY’S FIRST LOVE
 He felt her tremble
 As he pressed his lips to hers.
 She buried her face in his shoulder
 Then raised her eyes to his.
 His arms were unsteady
 Around her trembling shoulders.

 Their world was shaken to its foundations;
 She saw his firm jaw loosen and twitch.
 A convulsive shudder passed over her.
 “Darn it,” she said, “Why don’t you turn off your motor?
 “This rattletrap is shaking my teeth out!”

TEASER
 She leaned forward,
 Her brown eyes pleading,
 Her carmine lips upturned,
 Her cheeks tinged with pink…
 Pursed and small!
 Her throat was white and soft,
 Her arms extended --
  Boy, what a magazine cover!

THE PERFECT WOMAN
 She doesn’t drink;
 She never smokes;
 She never even spends
  Her quarters on Cokes!

 She doesn’t like
 To stay out late;
 She’d rather sleep
  Than have a date!

 She doesn’t neck;
 She doesn’t pet;
 In fact, she doesn’t even
  Walk as yet!

PAST PERFECT
 The moon was yellow, and the lane was bright
 As she turned to me, in the autumn night.
 And every gesture and every glance
 Gave me a hint that she craved romance.
 I stammered, I stuttered, and time went by
 For the moon was yellow, and so was I!

NO DRILL
 He tilted
 Her lovely head
 Towards him
 And bent over
 Her expectant mouth.

 He gazed intently
 At her for a moment,
 Then said softly,
 “I’m going to have to
 Pull that tooth!”

MOONSTRUCK:
 Jack and Jill went up a hill
 Upon a moonlight ride.
 When Jack came back
 One eye was black.
 His pal, you see, had lied!

AIN’T THAT JUST LIKE A WOMAN?
 She took my hand in sheltered nooks;
 She took my candy and my books;
 She took that lustrous wrap of fur;
 She took those gloves I bought for her.

 She took my words of love and care;
 She took my flowers rich and rare;
 She took my time for quite a while;
 She took my kisses with a smile.

 She took, I must confess, my eye,
 And took whatever I might buy,
 Then she took (sigh)
                           Another guy!

MAY I?
 Here I sit and fuss and fret
 While my seat is getting wet.
 It’s enough to make me fume --
 “Teacher, can’t I leave the room?”

 Why delay me when you know
 That I simply have to go?
 “Really, teacher, I’m not feigning.
 My car top is down and it is raining!”

SKIN DEEP
 She’s a pretty little wench,
 Sitting there upon the bench
  Looking very coy and shy
  At every passing college guy.
 Such titillating eyes,
 Concentric thighs…
  It’s too darn bad
  She’s bald!

MORE FRUSTRATION
 When you started reading this
 You thought it
 Was a poem.
 By now you see
 You were quite mistaken.
 But, isn’t it funny
 How people will continue
 To read something
 Even when they know
 They’re being fooled?
  

 

                                                                                                 

R. LOEFFELBEIN'S "Whatchama Column: TEXTING SHORTHAND

     Hip keyboarders were quick to adopt the little quasi-figurines that signified a smile :- ) or a frown :- ( along with the other computer-shorthand emoticon inventions. Then came the smaller accessory keyboards and texting was born, probably dooming the English language within the eventual future with wholesale  reinventions of  dictionary spellings.
     As an English/Journalism major, I’ve been appalled.  It takes an entirely new mind-set to switch from accepted dictionary nomenclature to texting shorthand. Textings I’ve seen  from my family’s younger generations looked like code to me. In time, I suppose, someone will come out with a new texting dictionary that will help us elders convert, though how it will be paginated and indexed I can’t imagine.
     Once one gets into the swing of the thing it becomes sort of fun, like working word puzzles, to see how easily the English language can be subverted and still understood. I think I have plumbed the possibilities and invented some new conversational gambits myself. See if the following work for you.

HuU?             Asking a correspondent to identify him/herself.
?U                  Really hip “who you?“ identity query.
HuU, Roy?    Asking correspondent if he is Roy (or whoever‘s name you think it is).
C or Si           Answering confirmation (English and Mexican versions).
_-                   Step up (Start conversing.)
>I<                 My ears are open (I‘m listening).
>I?<                I haven’t heard anything about that.
:-X                  Speak no evil.
;-X                  Winking at gossip or evil.
>X<                I’ve heard no evil.
>IX<               I don’t want to hear anything bad.
Zs                    Boring.
zUz                 You are being boring.
(O)                  That’s a big nothing of interest.
?I?                   Am I crazy?
(?I?)                Am I out of the circle?
?U?                 Are you crazy?
(_X_)               Kiss my you-know-what.
(_vv_)              Bite me.  (Vampire teeth marks.)
$ @ )               Put your money where your mouth is.
I2                     I too, as in “I agree.”
U2?                  Do you agree too?
Y0?                  Why not? (Y + a nought)
(_zz_)               I’m butt tired.
30                     Newspaperese for signing off or the end.

 If you are just getting acquainted with a new correspondent and need to describe yourself, maybe these newly innovated “textures” will help.

(*!*)           Starry eyes.
(Z!Z)          Bedroom eyes.
(-!-)            Have a squint.
(0!0)           Wear glasses.
(00!00)       Bad eyesight.
|0|               Long haired.
;0;               Like to wear earrings.
M&M        Twin
MW           Twins, mirror images.
<L              Left handed.
R>              Right handed.
.)(.              Knock-kneed or Virgin.
.( ).             Bowlegged or non-virgin.
(_|_)           Fat butt.
Dwb           Dweeb.

R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: "The Bean That's A Boon"

     The International Coffee Organization a short time back announced that 54% of Americans age 18 and older drink coffee every day. The U.S. thus spends $40 billion on coffee each year. I know I've had my share.
     Yet the history of coffee does not seem to be much known. We should, for instance, pay respect to the unknown herder in present-day Ethiopia who first noted this wild bean's effect on his goats. And we might learn that the nickname "mocha" comes from the Yemeni port city on the Red Sea once famous for being Arabia's chief coffee export center to the world.    
    And we might congratulate the Dutch who, in 1616, circumvented an Arab restriction on exporting fertile coffee beans and brought the first plants to the Netherlands. They later spread their "koffie" plant to Central and South American, where today it is the continent's cash crop.
     Since then coffee houses have become a fixture in most societies. Some important segments of world history have even been planned in coffee houses. The world's largest insurance company, Lloyd's of London, began life as a coffee house when Edward Lloyd was preparing lists of the ships his customers had insured. And the Boston Tea Party of 1775 was planned in one, the Green Dragon.
     Around the time Europeans were introduced to coffee, they also first tasted hot chocolate, which was brought to Spain from the Americas in 1528, and tea, first sold in Europe in 1610.
     In all that time has anything been found to compare?

R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: SURVIVAL TIPS: How to Ask A Question to the Wife

Dangerous               Safer                    Safest                          Ultra-safe                   
What's for dinner?    Can I help with     Where would you        Here, hon, have a glass
                                 dinner?                 like to go for dinner?    of wine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Should you be          You know, there    I'm going to whip up   Here, hon, have a glass
 eating THAT?          are some great      my special salad.          of wine.
                                apples left.             Shall I make one for  
                                                                you too?                     .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you going to       You know I think    Wow! Look at you,    Here, hon, have a glass
wear THAT?             you look great in     even after a hard         of wine.
                                 everything!              day!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did you do        I've always loved      I hope you didn't       Here, hon, have a glass
all day?                       you in that robe.       over-do it today.       of wine.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are you so         I'm sorry!                 Here's my pay           Here, hon, have a glass
worked up about?                                       check.                       of wine.
==============================================================
(This was filched from the Internet and redone a bit. Originator not listed.)

R. Loeffelbein's LINKS TO LAUGHS: Best Golf Joke Ever

      I shared the best golf joke ever with readers of my 1998 book Offbeat Golf - still available incidentally from Santa Monica (California) Press - but, even if you did read it there, don't stop me, because I want to enjoy it again anyhow. Because it is THE classic "hustle"!
     It involves two very well-known gentlemen, Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods. I can't speak for the veracity of the story, but that is of little consequence.
     Stevie and Tiger meet in a restaurant where they are both having dinner. Tiger politely asks Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"
     Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's your golf?"
     Tiger also replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
     Keeping the conversation going, Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
     Surprised, Tiger asks, "You play golf?"
     Stevie answers, "Oh, sure. I've been playing for years."
     Tiger asks, "But you're blind. How can you  play golf if you can't see?"
     Stevie says, "I have my caddy stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball has landed, the caddy moves further down the fairway or to the green and again I play the ball toward the voice."
     "But how do you putt?" Tiger wants to know.
     'Well," explains Stevie, "I have my caddy lean down in front of the hole and call to me, with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
     Woods, curious how this works, asks, "What's your handicap?"
     "Well, I'm a scratch golfer," Stevie says.
     Tiger, more amazed than ever, says, "We've got to play a round sometime."
     Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, never for less than $1,000 a hole."
     Tiger grins as if that is a joke, and replies, "I'm for that. When would you like to ;play?"
     "Pick a night!" says Stevie.









   

From the Mouths of Babes

     I did a stint as a teacher and it always amazed me what came out of the mouths of these babes.
     Take the youngster who had spent the week before Christmas studying Christmas cards.  "Don't men ever go to Heaven?" she asked.
     "Of course," I assured her. "Why?"
     "Because I never see any angels with whiskers on these cards."
     Thinking fast, my female teaching assistant replied, "That's because men who do go to heaven get there by a close shave."
     Logic would not have been half as good an answer.
     Logic, in adult-posted signs, is often lost on kids too. Like my sister's youngster who, in seeing a sign in a store proclaiming, "Watch Batteries Installed -$5", asked, "Who would pay to watch batteries installed?"
     "Charistmas' is often kicked off in our community by Santa arriving at the town square riding a fire engine. But what engaged three youngsters standing near me was the Dalmation dog sitting on the front seat of the engine. They began discussing what his duties might be.
     "They use him to keep the crowds back," guessed one.
     "No, he's just for good luck, voiced another.
     "No, they use the dogs," the third child said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
     The fire truck also visits schools to hype fire safety programs and one teacher themed a class lesson on duties of firemen. One student thought the main job was rescuing people. The teacher asked him to put that job into a proper sentence.
     "The fireman came back down the ladder pregnant," was his effort.
     Somewhat nonplussed, the teacher asked if he knew what 'pregnant' meant.
     "Sure," returned the boy, it means 'carrying a child'."
     Puberty is another word that puzzles kids. When my sister's girl asked her what it meant, sis told her to look it up and then they would talk about it. Upon her return she announced, "Puberty si the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children".
     So what do you think about that?" asked sis.
     "I'm not sure," her daughter replied. "I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear!"
     The problem of which comes first, Christmas or New Year's Day, seems to perplex some kids. One I heard resolved it this way: "Christmas just barely sneaks in the nick of time before every new year. We try to hurry it up along about Halloween."
     Another input reported, "I observed New Year's Day last year and what I observed was that New Year's Day comes quite late at night."
     The group's final comment was, "A good reason for New Year's Eve is to tell the year to get ready to end. When a year or anything else gets to a good ending place, it should know enough to stop there and end."
     The group also discussed New Year's resolutions. The one I remember best was stated this way: I resolved to always be honest because it is more important to be honest than rich and famous and happy." As he thought about that, he added, "Or at least any one of these...by itself...in most cases."
   
   

THE WHATCHAMA COLUMN: The Problem of Naming Children

     There is always a problem in naming a child. Parents may want a strong sounding name. Or an aesthetically pretty one their child will like through life. Or a unique one. A pair of amateaur actors I know wanted one that would not likely be typecast if he also should become, as hoped, a thespian. They could consider the name George Spelvin, which is rather famous in theater parlance, though not apt to be typecasted. In the list of actors on a stage play program sometimes this name appears, even though there is no character by that name. That's because it is the name credited to an actor who plays a second role.
     Naming a child includes anticipating also how other children will cruelly twist it to make fun of it. I've always liked my name, Robert, though hardly anyone other than mom has ever called me anything but its nickname, Bob. But then there is some benefit in that too since Bob may be spelled the same forward, backward or upside down. But my last name, Loeffelbein, which is Austrian-German, was a problem. It means "spoon-leg" I've been told, and goes back to the time - pre eating utensils - my antecedents made spoons from the bone legs of animals. It's spelling and pronunciation is difficult, so children shortened it to "Lift-a-bean" and "Laff-a-vine". When I became a teacher I had to get rid of that problem, so I would go to the blackboard (before whiteboards were invented) and print "Loeffel rhymes with awful; bein with fine; Loeffel-bein, awful fine!" That worked pretty well, at least within my hearing..
     Actually Robert is a Celtic name meaning "Bright in fame", even though my antecedents were not Celts, but Austrian (via the Black Sea area of Russia), Welsh (via a young sailor who jumped ship on the Eastern seaboard and lived with the Indians), German (via immigration) and Old English (or maybe French, since Staples, my mother's maiden name, was a very often traded name among the gentry early on in both those countries).
     When I was a youngster Robert was a very popular name in America. You could yell, "Hey, Bob" (or even "Hey, Roberta" or "Hey, Bobbi") in any crowd and several people would answer. But that's in the past. At age 91 I have outlived all the Roberts and Robertas I knew through school and new ones, according to new-born lists I have seen, have been few and far between.
     The Social Security Administration's website provides a list of the top 1,000 baby names for each year, dating back to 1880, for both states and country. Tope names that year were John and Mary.
     For an example of the change, here is the list of the most popular names for boys and girls born in the U.S. in 2013. John was then 28th and Mary was 123rd.
     For the boys, Jacob was listed for the 14th straight year at number one. It is easy to pronounce, easy to spell, is solid and manly, and is a Biblical name, always in style. Next came Mason, Ethan, Noah, William and Lian (who cracked the top ten for the first time). Following those were Jayden, Michael, Alexander and Aiden. Daniel slipped from the top ten for the first time since 1998, to 11th. Some of the "strong" names making the longer list were King, Messiah and Major.
     Americans have long given their children aggrandizing names, like Noble and General. Both were on the list for much of the 20th century, though not cracking the top 100.
     For the girls, Sophia was number one for the second year in a row, followed by Emma, Isabella, Olivia, Ava, Emily, Abigail, Mia, Madison and Elizabeth.
     Some parents refuse to give "expectation" or grandiose or "purity" names for fear of putting undue pressure on their children. Chastity was in the top 1,000 for more than two decades before dropping off the list in 1994. Justice was listed in 1880, fell off the list for more than 100 years, then reappeared in 1992 and climbed to number 518 in 2012.
   The 2014 favorite baby names were Emma, Olivia, Sophia, Isabella and Ava for girls. Boys names were Noah, Liam, Mason, Jacob and William. Emma has been ranked among the top three baby names since 2003, reaching number one in 2008 and was second in 2013. In 2013 20,799 newborn girls were named Emma. Charlotte, at number ten, cracked the top ten  list for the first time, probably because both Chelsea Clinton and Britain's Prince William and wife Kate named their new babies Charlotte.
     Showing how a celebrity name can effect the list, a popular Mexican singer and a character on a Mexican telenovella shown in the USA, both named Aranza, caused a jump over 3,625 names to number 607.
     Several countries have passed legislation to stop such a naming hodge-podge. Iceland has a naming committee that consults the National Register of Persons to determine if a name is acceptable. Parents who want to use a name off-list, they must apply for approval and pay a fee, and the name must contain only letters in the Icelandic alphabet.
     In Germany parents are banned by law from using last names or the names of objects and products as first names. A child's first name must clearly indicate his or her gender and must be approved by the office of vital statistics in the borning region.
     In New Zealand the Births, Deaths, and Marriages Registration Act of 1995 prohibits parents fromchosing a name that "might cause offense to a reasonable person; is unreasonably long or is, includes, or resembles an official title or rank". "Adolf Hitler" and "Yeah Detroit", for instances, have been rejected.
     If Danish parents prefer a name not on their list of 7,000 pre-approved baby names, they must get permission from local church and government officials. Up to 20% of 1,100 names reviewed annually, including creative spellings of common first or last names are rejected.
     Such regulation would never pass in the U.S. where a Phoenix girl was given the middle name of Joan of Arc, and a female singer named Pink spells her name with an exclamation point replacing the i. And I shudder to think what some adults, who have taken unique names for themselves, may name their future offspring. David Montenegro, running for office in Rochester, NH, for example, changed his name to "human" (yes, with small h). He lost his race 181-30 to non-believers. And elsewhere Jeffrey Drew Wilschke changed his name to the more catchy and memorable Beezow Doo-Doo Zippity-Bop-Bop (and became the punch line for late night talk show hosts across the country).

Sources: The Gamily Digest, "The One-in--Million Baby Name Book" by Jennifer Moss, along with her Babynames.com Website, and "The Baby Name Wizard" by Laura Watterberg and her Babynamewizard.com Website.)