R. LOEFFELBEIN'S "Whatchama Column: TEXTING SHORTHAND

     Hip keyboarders were quick to adopt the little quasi-figurines that signified a smile :- ) or a frown :- ( along with the other computer-shorthand emoticon inventions. Then came the smaller accessory keyboards and texting was born, probably dooming the English language within the eventual future with wholesale  reinventions of  dictionary spellings.
     As an English/Journalism major, I’ve been appalled.  It takes an entirely new mind-set to switch from accepted dictionary nomenclature to texting shorthand. Textings I’ve seen  from my family’s younger generations looked like code to me. In time, I suppose, someone will come out with a new texting dictionary that will help us elders convert, though how it will be paginated and indexed I can’t imagine.
     Once one gets into the swing of the thing it becomes sort of fun, like working word puzzles, to see how easily the English language can be subverted and still understood. I think I have plumbed the possibilities and invented some new conversational gambits myself. See if the following work for you.

HuU?             Asking a correspondent to identify him/herself.
?U                  Really hip “who you?“ identity query.
HuU, Roy?    Asking correspondent if he is Roy (or whoever‘s name you think it is).
C or Si           Answering confirmation (English and Mexican versions).
_-                   Step up (Start conversing.)
>I<                 My ears are open (I‘m listening).
>I?<                I haven’t heard anything about that.
:-X                  Speak no evil.
;-X                  Winking at gossip or evil.
>X<                I’ve heard no evil.
>IX<               I don’t want to hear anything bad.
Zs                    Boring.
zUz                 You are being boring.
(O)                  That’s a big nothing of interest.
?I?                   Am I crazy?
(?I?)                Am I out of the circle?
?U?                 Are you crazy?
(_X_)               Kiss my you-know-what.
(_vv_)              Bite me.  (Vampire teeth marks.)
$ @ )               Put your money where your mouth is.
I2                     I too, as in “I agree.”
U2?                  Do you agree too?
Y0?                  Why not? (Y + a nought)
(_zz_)               I’m butt tired.
30                     Newspaperese for signing off or the end.

 If you are just getting acquainted with a new correspondent and need to describe yourself, maybe these newly innovated “textures” will help.

(*!*)           Starry eyes.
(Z!Z)          Bedroom eyes.
(-!-)            Have a squint.
(0!0)           Wear glasses.
(00!00)       Bad eyesight.
|0|               Long haired.
;0;               Like to wear earrings.
M&M        Twin
MW           Twins, mirror images.
<L              Left handed.
R>              Right handed.
.)(.              Knock-kneed or Virgin.
.( ).             Bowlegged or non-virgin.
(_|_)           Fat butt.
Dwb           Dweeb.