Monday, May 9, 2016

R. Loeffelben's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Zodiac Signs of American Indians

     Animals are an important part of Native American culture. We’ll focus primarily on the animals most closely associated with birth months - in other words, the zodiac of Native American tribes. similar to the Greek horoscopes in ordinary use today. Native American tribes held the belief that the time of year a person is born into will directly affect a person’s personal characteristics.
     Here is a list, by month, of the animals and their traits (thanks to the Internet)..

January 20th through February 18th - The Otter
Different thinking and independent, for most people, the Otter is seldom easy to understand. The Otter does things in an unconventional way. As a result of this, the way the Otter does things is not typically the first selected method. This is unfortunate as the Otter’s unconventional methods can oftentimes be exceptionally adequate.
While unusual in its viewpoint, the Otter is typically gifted with a unique way of seeing things that are imaginative and intelligent. As a result, the Otter often sees solutions that no one else sees thanks to his/her intuitive and perceptive imagination. If you are looking for a friend, look no further than someone born under the sign of the Otter. Otters pay great attention, are very supportive, understanding, brave, and truthful. The Otter, under some circumstances, can also be lewd, a real rebel, a loner, and unscrupulous.
February 19th through March 20th – The Wolf
Passion and emotion are the hallmarks of the Wolf. The Native American sign that is most attuned to the heart and philosophy, the Wolf understands the emotional needs of everyone around him/her and is perfectly willing to provide love. Conversely, the Wolf is the most independent of the Native American signs, which contrasts with his/her ability to love.
Seeking true independence, yet being able to provide love and gentle acceptance, this sign exudes a sensation of “The Lone Wolf”. When it comes to nurture, the Wolf is full of passion, willing to give, deeply loving, and most of all gentle. The Wolf, under some circumstances, can be adamant, obsessive, have a ruthless streak, and somewhat impractical.
March 21st through April 19th - The Falcon
Naturally inclined to leadership, the Falcon always has a sharp mind when it comes to making decisions in tense situations. Always pragmatic, this member of the Native American zodiac isn’t inclined to wasting time and always stays on target.
Keeping on task is the hallmark of the Falcon. Keenly suited for team sports, the Falcon always tends to seize on any opportunity. The Falcon also always tends to voice their opinions stridently, and as a result, can come off as a bit of a braggart – although the Falcon quite often right in. No sign in the Native American cycle is as fiery as the Falcon. Under certain circumstances Falcons lack patience, can be rude and come across as being vain and touchy.
April 20th through May 20th – The Beaver
The beaver loves being in charge but is also flexible and can adapt to any situation easily. Ever businesslike, the way of the Beaver is efficiency tempered with an almost nonchalant air. Using these traits, the job typically gets done. If you are born under this sign, you are a cunning individual who should never be underestimated. As a Beaver, you’re sharp thinking and bright.
If you are born under this sign, you’ve got it going for you. Unfortunately, a Beaver is also inclined to stubbornness when it comes to what they view as the proper procedure. Though typically right in these circumstances, a beaver could benefit with a little more tact. Under the right circumstances, Beavers can be loyal, compassionate, helpful and generous. Adversely, Beavers can also be cowardly, nervous, stubborn, and a tad possessive.
May 21st through June 20th – The Deer
The deer in Native American mythology represents the creative influence. Witty and inspiring, the Deer also has a great sense of humor and can make almost anyone laugh. Always willing to converse, if you fall under the sign of the Deer then you are a great talker.
As a Deer, you are amazingly affable and oftentimes the life of the party. Environmental awareness is also a key trait of a Deer, and typically those born under this sign are very fastidious when it comes to personal appearance. Somewhat conceited, the Deer can be a bit self-absorbed. This is usually forgiven because he/she is typically so easy to get along with.
Thanks to the inclination to be lively, the Deer can be a great inspiring member in any relationship, and tends to lean towards a nurturing personality. The Deer, under certain circumstances, can be a bit moody, lazy, or even seem to have double standards. 
June 21st through July 21st – The Woodpecker
The Woodpecker is the nurterer and always having an open ear. People born under this sign are very empathetic and understanding. No other sign is as supportive.
Woodpeckers are amazing parents and also make for great friends and business partners. Woodpeckers can sometimes be a little frugal but you can rely on them blindly because they tend to be very organized. As the most nurturing on this list, you can expect Woodpeckers to be deeply dedicated, caring, and inclined to romance. Beware, though: As Woodpeckers can also be jealous, prone to anger, and very possessive.
July 22nd through August 21st – The Salmon
Creativity is your calling card if you are born under the sign of the salmon. Salmons are also expressly focused, prone to intuitiveness, and amazingly energetic. As a Salmon, you are very confident and love to motivate. Your enthusiasm is also almost entirely un-curbable, and it’s also very infectious. People tend to go along with the Salmon very easily, even when the scheme seems doomed to fail.
As a Salmon, you have many friends thanks to your intelligent, intuitive, and generous nature. Driven by a need for purpose and goal achievement, you’ll have no problems finding compatriots for the quests you undertake. In relationships, Salmon are giving, calm, stable, and sensual. Under certain circumstances, however, the Salmon can also be vulgar, egocentric, and biased.
August 22nd through September 21st – The Bear
Pragmatism is the calling card of the stoic Bear. Friends know to call on you when a level head and a steady arm are needed for almost anything. Practicality is another trait of those who are born under this sign, and thus, Bears, who also can be generous and giving, tend to pair well with those born under the sign of the Owl.
Humility also tends to be the style of the Bear, and sometimes those born under this sign can tend to be very shy. In most situations, Bears tend to provide nearly unconditional love and generosity to those around them, all while maintaining patience and temperance. Bears are great in an educational setting, as their patience transfers well to those they are teaching. Under some circumstances, Bears can also be skeptics, lazy, and reserved.
September 22nd through October 22nd – The Raven
Another enthusiastic sign, the Raven tends towards a natural proclivity towards entrepreneurship and charm. As a Raven, you possess a type of easy energy that everyone relies on when it comes to your ideas.
As a Raven’s you are quite the idealist but also calculating at the same time. Under positive circumstances, the Raven is very easy going, romantic, and almost invariably soft-spoken. In relationships, the Raven is intuitive and patient. In some circumstances, the Raven can also come across as selfish, vindictive, inconsistent, and can rub people the wrong way.
October 23rd through November 22nd – The Snake
Closely tied to the world of the spirit, the Snake is the traditional sign of the shaman. Its link to the spiritual world is why those born under this sign are so easily attuned to the ethereal. Healing comes very naturally for the Snake, so if you are born under this Native American sign you can expect to excel in the medical field. As a result of your natural spiritual link, people might find that you have a sometimes mysterious or even frightening bearing.
There is a bit of an inclination to secrecy and darkness in the Snake, but those born under this sign can also be very caring and sensitive. In positive situations, the Snake can be humorous, helpful and inspiring. In adverse situations, you can expect despondency, volatility, or even violence.
November 23rd through December 21st – The Owl
The Native American horoscope has no other sign as mutable as the Owl. As a rule, this sign is one of the most adaptive. Easy going, natural, and warm, the Owl is friendly to all. If you fall under this sign, you grab life by the horns and have a love for exploring and adventure.
This can naturally be dangerous as the Owl can also be careless, prone to recklessness, and inconsiderate. Those born under this sign do great in the fields of teaching, art, and conservation, and due to his/her mutability, almost any other vocation. In positive relationships, an Owl has a zealous personality but also tends to be sensitive and is a great listener. In difficult situations, the Owl tends to come across as aggressive, somewhat bitter, and almost invariably overindulgent.
December 22nd through January 19th – The Goose
Perseverance and doggedness are the hallmarks of this sign. If you are born under this Native American animal symbol, friends know to reach out to you when something needs to be done. For a Goose, ambition is also one of their key defining characteristics and the Goose typically achieves his/her ambitions succinctly. This drive to succeed comes from the spirit; no external force pushes the Goose to achieve.
Drive and perseverance are what keeps the Goose moving. As a Goose, you excel in professional and physical pursuits. There is no stopping you especially when you know that your family and friends have your back.
When in a positive relationship, the Goose can be affable, passionate, and sensual. In adverse situations, a Goose can easily succumb to addiction or be obsessive, which is typically the downfall of those who fall under this sign.

R.Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Candid Cameos

    
 Back in the 1940s most universities of any size sponsored their own humor magazines, published through the efforts of student staffs. These were pretty much published for in-house sale - students, staff, friends, relatives and, if good enough, for
other universities’ humor magazines’ staffers to plagiarize.
 Recently, in a file cleaning out (my four four-drawer files extends back to those days when I was an aspiring journalism major), I unearthed the notebook holding this compilation of amateurish “poetry”. And I found these simple rhymes worth a few smiles. Especially several that showed things aren’t always as they seem. I love surprise endings and I thought you readers might too.

FRUSTRATION
 “Help,” the old maid hollered,
 As, at the door, she struck.
 “A man is breaking in my house
 But, oh, the lock is stuck!”








































































     Back in the 1940s most universities of any size sponsored their own humor magazines, published through the efforts of student staffs. These were pretty much published for in-house sale - students, staff, friends, relatives and, if good enough, for other universities’ humor magazines’ staffers to plagiarize.
     Recently, in a file cleaning out (my four four-drawer files extends back to those days when I was an aspiring journalism major), I unearthed the notebook holding this compilation of amateurish “poetry”. And I found these simple rhymes worth a few smiles. Especially several that showed things aren’t always as they seem. I love surprise endings.

FRUSTRATION
 “Help,” the old maid hollered,
 As, at the door, she struck.
 “A man is breaking in my house
 But, oh, the lock is stuck!”

A BOY’S FIRST LOVE
 He felt her tremble
 As he pressed his lips to hers.
 She buried her face in his shoulder
 Then raised her eyes to his.
 His arms were unsteady
 Around her trembling shoulders.

 Their world was shaken to its foundations;
 She saw his firm jaw loosen and twitch.
 A convulsive shudder passed over her.
 “Darn it,” she said, “Why don’t you turn off your motor?
 “This rattletrap is shaking my teeth out!”

TEASER
 She leaned forward,
 Her brown eyes pleading,
 Her carmine lips upturned,
 Her cheeks tinged with pink…
 Pursed and small!
 Her throat was white and soft,
 Her arms extended --
  Boy, what a magazine cover!

THE PERFECT WOMAN
 She doesn’t drink;
 She never smokes;
 She never even spends
  Her quarters on Cokes!

 She doesn’t like
 To stay out late;
 She’d rather sleep
  Than have a date!

 She doesn’t neck;
 She doesn’t pet;
 In fact, she doesn’t even
  Walk as yet!

PAST PERFECT
 The moon was yellow, and the lane was bright
 As she turned to me, in the autumn night.
 And every gesture and every glance
 Gave me a hint that she craved romance.
 I stammered, I stuttered, and time went by
 For the moon was yellow, and so was I!

NO DRILL
 He tilted
 Her lovely head
 Towards him
 And bent over
 Her expectant mouth.

 He gazed intently
 At her for a moment,
 Then said softly,
 “I’m going to have to
 Pull that tooth!”

MOONSTRUCK:
 Jack and Jill went up a hill
 Upon a moonlight ride.
 When Jack came back
 One eye was black.
 His pal, you see, had lied!

AIN’T THAT JUST LIKE A WOMAN?
 She took my hand in sheltered nooks;
 She took my candy and my books;
 She took that lustrous wrap of fur;
 She took those gloves I bought for her.

 She took my words of love and care;
 She took my flowers rich and rare;
 She took my time for quite a while;
 She took my kisses with a smile.

 She took, I must confess, my eye,
 And took whatever I might buy,
 Then she took (sigh)
                           Another guy!

MAY I?
 Here I sit and fuss and fret
 While my seat is getting wet.
 It’s enough to make me fume --
 “Teacher, can’t I leave the room?”

 Why delay me when you know
 That I simply have to go?
 “Really, teacher, I’m not feigning.
 My car top is down and it is raining!”

SKIN DEEP
 She’s a pretty little wench,
 Sitting there upon the bench
  Looking very coy and shy
  At every passing college guy.
 Such titillating eyes,
 Concentric thighs…
  It’s too darn bad
  She’s bald!

MORE FRUSTRATION
 When you started reading this
 You thought it
 Was a poem.
 By now you see
 You were quite mistaken.
 But, isn’t it funny
 How people will continue
 To read something
 Even when they know
 They’re being fooled?
  

 

                                                                                                 

Saturday, May 7, 2016

R. LOEFFELBEIN'S "Whatchama Column: TEXTING SHORTHAND

     Hip keyboarders were quick to adopt the little quasi-figurines that signified a smile :- ) or a frown :- ( along with the other computer-shorthand emoticon inventions. Then came the smaller accessory keyboards and texting was born, probably dooming the English language within the eventual future with wholesale  reinventions of  dictionary spellings.
     As an English/Journalism major, I’ve been appalled.  It takes an entirely new mind-set to switch from accepted dictionary nomenclature to texting shorthand. Textings I’ve seen  from my family’s younger generations looked like code to me. In time, I suppose, someone will come out with a new texting dictionary that will help us elders convert, though how it will be paginated and indexed I can’t imagine.
     Once one gets into the swing of the thing it becomes sort of fun, like working word puzzles, to see how easily the English language can be subverted and still understood. I think I have plumbed the possibilities and invented some new conversational gambits myself. See if the following work for you.

HuU?             Asking a correspondent to identify him/herself.
?U                  Really hip “who you?“ identity query.
HuU, Roy?    Asking correspondent if he is Roy (or whoever‘s name you think it is).
C or Si           Answering confirmation (English and Mexican versions).
_-                   Step up (Start conversing.)
>I<                 My ears are open (I‘m listening).
>I?<                I haven’t heard anything about that.
:-X                  Speak no evil.
;-X                  Winking at gossip or evil.
>X<                I’ve heard no evil.
>IX<               I don’t want to hear anything bad.
Zs                    Boring.
zUz                 You are being boring.
(O)                  That’s a big nothing of interest.
?I?                   Am I crazy?
(?I?)                Am I out of the circle?
?U?                 Are you crazy?
(_X_)               Kiss my you-know-what.
(_vv_)              Bite me.  (Vampire teeth marks.)
$ @ )               Put your money where your mouth is.
I2                     I too, as in “I agree.”
U2?                  Do you agree too?
Y0?                  Why not? (Y + a nought)
(_zz_)               I’m butt tired.
30                     Newspaperese for signing off or the end.

 If you are just getting acquainted with a new correspondent and need to describe yourself, maybe these newly innovated “textures” will help.

(*!*)           Starry eyes.
(Z!Z)          Bedroom eyes.
(-!-)            Have a squint.
(0!0)           Wear glasses.
(00!00)       Bad eyesight.
|0|               Long haired.
;0;               Like to wear earrings.
M&M        Twin
MW           Twins, mirror images.
<L              Left handed.
R>              Right handed.
.)(.              Knock-kneed or Virgin.
.( ).             Bowlegged or non-virgin.
(_|_)           Fat butt.
Dwb           Dweeb.







Saturday, April 30, 2016

R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: "The Bean That's A Boon"

     The International Coffee Organization a short time back announced that 54% of Americans age 18 and older drink coffee every day. The U.S. thus spends $40 billion on coffee each year. I know I've had my share.
     Yet the history of coffee does not seem to be much known. We should, for instance, pay respect to the unknown herder in present-day Ethiopia who first noted this wild bean's effect on his goats. And we might learn that the nickname "mocha" comes from the Yemeni port city on the Red Sea once famous for being Arabia's chief coffee export center to the world.    
    And we might congratulate the Dutch who, in 1616, circumvented an Arab restriction on exporting fertile coffee beans and brought the first plants to the Netherlands. They later spread their "koffie" plant to Central and South American, where today it is the continent's cash crop.
     Since then coffee houses have become a fixture in most societies. Some important segments of world history have even been planned in coffee houses. The world's largest insurance company, Lloyd's of London, began life as a coffee house when Edward Lloyd was preparing lists of the ships his customers had insured. And the Boston Tea Party of 1775 was planned in one, the Green Dragon.
     Around the time Europeans were introduced to coffee, they also first tasted hot chocolate, which was brought to Spain from the Americas in 1528, and tea, first sold in Europe in 1610.
     In all that time has anything been found to compare?

Thursday, January 7, 2016

R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: SURVIVAL TIPS: How to Ask A Question to the Wife

Dangerous               Safer                    Safest                          Ultra-safe                   
What's for dinner?    Can I help with     Where would you        Here, hon, have a glass
                                 dinner?                 like to go for dinner?    of wine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Should you be          You know, there    I'm going to whip up   Here, hon, have a glass
 eating THAT?          are some great      my special salad.          of wine.
                                apples left.             Shall I make one for  
                                                                you too?                     .
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you going to       You know I think    Wow! Look at you,    Here, hon, have a glass
wear THAT?             you look great in     even after a hard         of wine.
                                 everything!              day!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did you do        I've always loved      I hope you didn't       Here, hon, have a glass
all day?                       you in that robe.       over-do it today.       of wine.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are you so         I'm sorry!                 Here's my pay           Here, hon, have a glass
worked up about?                                       check.                       of wine.
==============================================================
(This was filched from the Internet and redone a bit. Originator not listed.)

Monday, November 30, 2015

R. Loeffelbein's LINKS TO LAUGHS: Best Golf Joke Ever

      I shared the best golf joke ever with readers of my 1998 book Offbeat Golf - still available incidentally from Santa Monica (California) Press - but, even if you did read it there, don't stop me, because I want to enjoy it again anyhow. Because it is THE classic "hustle"!
     It involves two very well-known gentlemen, Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods. I can't speak for the veracity of the story, but that is of little consequence.
     Stevie and Tiger meet in a restaurant where they are both having dinner. Tiger politely asks Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"
     Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's your golf?"
     Tiger also replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
     Keeping the conversation going, Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
     Surprised, Tiger asks, "You play golf?"
     Stevie answers, "Oh, sure. I've been playing for years."
     Tiger asks, "But you're blind. How can you  play golf if you can't see?"
     Stevie says, "I have my caddy stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball has landed, the caddy moves further down the fairway or to the green and again I play the ball toward the voice."
     "But how do you putt?" Tiger wants to know.
     'Well," explains Stevie, "I have my caddy lean down in front of the hole and call to me, with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
     Woods, curious how this works, asks, "What's your handicap?"
     "Well, I'm a scratch golfer," Stevie says.
     Tiger, more amazed than ever, says, "We've got to play a round sometime."
     Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, never for less than $1,000 a hole."
     Tiger grins as if that is a joke, and replies, "I'm for that. When would you like to ;play?"
     "Pick a night!" says Stevie.









   

Friday, November 27, 2015

From the Mouths of Babes

     I did a stint as a teacher and it always amazed me what came out of the mouths of these babes.
     Take the youngster who had spent the week before Christmas studying Christmas cards.  "Don't men ever go to Heaven?" she asked.
     "Of course," I assured her. "Why?"
     "Because I never see any angels with whiskers on these cards."
     Thinking fast, my female teaching assistant replied, "That's because men who do go to heaven get there by a close shave."
     Logic would not have been half as good an answer.
     Logic, in adult-posted signs, is often lost on kids too. Like my sister's youngster who, in seeing a sign in a store proclaiming, "Watch Batteries Installed -$5", asked, "Who would pay to watch batteries installed?"
     "Charistmas' is often kicked off in our community by Santa arriving at the town square riding a fire engine. But what engaged three youngsters standing near me was the Dalmation dog sitting on the front seat of the engine. They began discussing what his duties might be.
     "They use him to keep the crowds back," guessed one.
     "No, he's just for good luck, voiced another.
     "No, they use the dogs," the third child said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
     The fire truck also visits schools to hype fire safety programs and one teacher themed a class lesson on duties of firemen. One student thought the main job was rescuing people. The teacher asked him to put that job into a proper sentence.
     "The fireman came back down the ladder pregnant," was his effort.
     Somewhat nonplussed, the teacher asked if he knew what 'pregnant' meant.
     "Sure," returned the boy, it means 'carrying a child'."
     Puberty is another word that puzzles kids. When my sister's girl asked her what it meant, sis told her to look it up and then they would talk about it. Upon her return she announced, "Puberty si the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children".
     So what do you think about that?" asked sis.
     "I'm not sure," her daughter replied. "I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear!"
     The problem of which comes first, Christmas or New Year's Day, seems to perplex some kids. One I heard resolved it this way: "Christmas just barely sneaks in the nick of time before every new year. We try to hurry it up along about Halloween."
     Another input reported, "I observed New Year's Day last year and what I observed was that New Year's Day comes quite late at night."
     The group's final comment was, "A good reason for New Year's Eve is to tell the year to get ready to end. When a year or anything else gets to a good ending place, it should know enough to stop there and end."
     The group also discussed New Year's resolutions. The one I remember best was stated this way: I resolved to always be honest because it is more important to be honest than rich and famous and happy." As he thought about that, he added, "Or at least any one of these...by itself...in most cases."