Thursday, November 21, 2013

LAWS THAT HAVE BENT THE MIND

 

     The earliest law still preserved is that developed by Hammurabi, the ruler of Sumeria, about 2,000 years before the advent of Christ. Hammuarabi's code set forth a complete written system of law. But it wasn't universal, of course. Napoleon, ruler of France, also set up a later code of law - called Code Napoleon, also still working - which was a far greater triumph than the results of his battles.
     But in many places, like in the Isle of Man, laws dating back to the 7th century were merely handed down by word of mouth. In other places laws were merely what the current ruler, off the cuff, said they were. Calanus, a Greek leader suffering from colic, for instance, passed a law banishing all stomach aches from the Empire for a year.
     In the ancient kingdom of Pegu, even the slightest offense noted by the king was cause for any official to be laid on his face in the broiling sun, in front of the palace, with a heavy beam across his back. The length of the sentence was indeterminate.
     Korean King Kija, tired of settling family squabbles and tradesmen fighting, compelled his subjects to wear hats with large clay brims. This was his idea for preventing bodily contact during quarrels.
     Zaleucus, a strict legislator of Locri, Greece in 660 B.C., ordered his own son blinded for a criminal offense. When the populace appealed for mercy, Zaleucus spared his son one eye, but fulfilled the letter of the law by destroying one of his own eyes.
     Blue Law Solutions
     The laws in most places today are passed by elected bodies of one sort or another to fit and fix some sort of problem seen by that body. Perhaps the worst fit-and-fix was the South African 1960s ban on a book titled "Rape of the Earth", which was later discovered to deal with soil erosion.
     So many laws have been passed for so long everywhere that some get old and forgotten. Those, often remaining on the books years beyond their useful lives, are called "blue laws". For example, in California rarely, if ever, does a driver get hauled in for shooting a whale from his car. But that was on the books from 1972 for some 25 years.
     Citizens  in one early-day Greek city had the solution to curtail such dead files, though their solution might be considered a bit heavy-handed today. Its politicians who proposed new laws did so with a noose around their necks. If their laws failed to pass, they were hanged. The Greek historian Diodorus Siculus also reported another solution, where an advisor to the state in India was permitted three errors. Following the third he was banished from public life.
     But blue laws are wonderful to browse and wonder at - wondering what in the world led to them since they make no sense in the present time and place. For example, a local law in Nova Scotia's Londonderry once made it illegal for a farmer to be seen in public "riding an ugly horse". Figure that one out.
     Law, if nothing else, should be logical, one would think. But even logic can be bent out of shape on occasion. Take the case of Michel Depre, 34, who caught his wife in bed with another man. Due to Gallic honor code in such matters, Michel took up a knife, but only wounded her paramour as he exited the premises.post haste. So what happened? Depre was arrested, fined $60 and given a one-month suspended sentence. It was then his lawyer told him about Article 234 of the French Criminal Code, which extends official sympathy for the crime passionnel. The simple wounding, it seems, showed he was not seeking, at whatever cost, to defend his honor and his home. Had that been the case, and he had killed the man, he would have saved himself $60.
      A young French lady named Marie-Ange also became embroiled in an unusual law. She refused to change her name, even though the law at the time stipulated transsexuals, which she admitted being, were only allowed to use three names: Claude, Camille or Dominique.
    The Fascists in Italy passed a 1931 law for the compulsory arrest of anyone wearing a mask or disguise in public. Originally aimed at political conspirators, it was still on the books and 0used in the early 1970s  for a crackdown on transvestites in Rome.
     Islamic law, as portrayed in Sana, Yemen,  has always been hard on humanity's offshoots too. There it required that a man convicted of homosexuality be thrown from the highest point in the city. But when 60-year old Ahmed a-Osamy, a municipal employee, was arrested, the court thought of throwing him from an airplane, since no building in town has high enough to kill him. That was found to be too expensive, so they decided he should be beheaded instead. When the executioner didn't show up on time, however, the judge asked Ahmed if he would consent to being shot instead. He nodded and a police officer executed him in the main square before 6,000 viewers.
     More recently (1982) the city council of Tropea, Italy, passed a law governing nude sun bathing at city beaches, limiting full exposure to "young women capable of exalting the beauty of the female body". It had been passed to discourage tourists from cultivating total tans, but it lasted only ten days before stouter local females stormed an acrimonious special hearing and forced cancellation. It turned out to be against national anti-discrimination laws anyhow.
     Paparazzi, working for Paris Pin-Up Magazine, were taken to court for snapping nude beach goers without permission. A Paris court ruling was a bit of a surprise, stating: "The photographic artist has the same right to make studies of the harmonic forms of the human body as the painter, sculptor or engraver, as long as they are done without an intent of immorality or obscenity".
     Peeping-tom paparazzi have been a pain to control for a very long time. It's reported the Persian tyrant Nadir Shaw (1688-1747) had perhaps the best cure-all for their problem. He punished a peeping tom by giving him the Shah's entire harem to care for - 33 wives!
     Sometimes superstition may have had something to do with the passing of one old English law. That's about the only thing that makes sense of the law that required a suicide "to be buried near a crossroads at midnight without religious rites".
     And sometimes the law just seems frivolous, like in the 1890 Stockholm, Sweden court case. A man, in desperate need for money, sold the ownership of his body after death to the Royal Swedish Institute of Anatomy for dissection study. Twenty years later he inherited a fortune and tried to buy back that contract. The institute wouldn't sell and the court backed it up. And because two of the man's teeth had been extracted without its permission, the institute requested and was awarded damages.
   
   
   

Thursday, October 24, 2013

LECTURERS VERSUS LISTENERS

     What is going on in the mind of listeners to lecturers, and vice versa? 

LECTURERS (from the viewpoint of  listeners):

The Sleep Walker: Is it possible his psychoanalyst forgot to bring this somnambulist out of his hypnotic trance at their last session? His monotones bore into listeners the same doped expression seen on sun-drugged toads.
Reactions:
     *What a great bedtime story teller this guy would make!
     *I wonder where he gets his barbiturates.
     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

The Athlete: He strides about the room throwing his body into great contortions of masculine posing, waving his arms, pounding the desk to drive his points home. Tomorrow no one will remember a thing he has said because they were too engrossed in watching his calisthenics.
Reactions:
     *Oh, yeah, that's the one, the "pose that refreshes"! 
     *If you need the men's room, man, it's down the hall on the left.
     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

The Comedian: He stops every few moments to look at his notes, snickers slyly to himself, then continues with a chicken grin on his face. This leaves listeners sitting on the edge of their seats, but the funny part never comes.
Reactions:
     *Okay, you laid it, now cackle!
     *You didn't used to write for TV sit-coms, did you?
     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

The Star Gazer: He examines his fingernails, looks down at his shoes while wiping them on the backs of his pantlegs, speculates on the ceiling, stares out the window. He looks everywhere but at the listeners.
Reactions:
     *Well, you're not so easy on the eyes yourself!
     *I'd be embarrassed too if I didn't have more to say than that!
     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

The Town Crier: He makes himself heard through listeners' ennui by shouting. But it seems to be all bark and no "bite"! 
Reactions:
     *Sir, you raise your voice when you should reinforce your arguments!\    
     *Oh, tie up, Jack, my hangover is killing me.
     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

Delirium Tremens: This lad can't keep his hands still. He winds his watch, twirls his Fybate key, straightens papers on his lecturn, holds his watch to his ear and stares at it as if it has let him down, and so on and on ad infinitum.
Reactions:
     *I agree, pal, It's one helluva long lecture.
     *Wonder who he has the heavy date with. She sure must have trouble with those hands.
     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

LISTENERS (from the viewpoint of lecturers):

Sleight-of-Mind: That one is drowning in a sea of education . Eyes are glazed, mouth is open trapping flies, breathing is hard as though in pain. No one is sure, in fact, that he hasn't been dead for some time.
Reactions:
     *Must be Monday all over again.
     *There must be an easier way to make a living!
     *Maybe I'd do better working with the mentally retarded. (Maybe I AM working with the mentally retarded!)

The Jitterbug: That kid must have ants in his pants. He twitches, he squirms. Step right up, ladies and gents, see the boy with the reflexes of a worm.
Reactions:
     *I hope you don't wear anything out squirming around in your seat like that.
     *Maybe it's some kind of new mating dance.
     *Oh, the money I could make on the carny circuit with this bunch of freaks!

The Lady Politician: Is she coming up here to polish the apple again? I note she's in a front row seat again too, with her skirt riding about C-level. Get over yourself, girl!
Reactions:
     *Forget it, sweet lips. I'm young enough to remember, but old enough to know better.
     *Okay, smile. So you got your own teeth. Just wait ten years!
     *Why oh why, didn't I go into the ministry like mother wanted?

The Eager Beaver: She writes everything down, even the jokes. Maybe she'll get them later. She must be practicing her shorthand. At least she'll get something out of the course that way.
Reactions:
     *Notes to you, too, chicken little.
     *Watch me bring her out of her trance by working the word "sex" into the next sentence.
     *Why do you come to class? Why not just send your tape recorder?

The Good-time Charlie: Our resident lady killer is sporting Brut lotion today. Must have bathed in it because I smell it clear up here. Looks like he pitched a bitch last night again, too. His hands are shaking so much his notes will look like hieroglyphics. And he hasn't moved his head since he sat down. Must hurt a lot.
Reactions:
     *That must be what is meant by "school ghoul" complexion.
     *I'll bet he never gets a haircut, just an oil change.
     *Why, in all that is holy, didn't we both stay home today and sleep off this lecture?

 The Hero Worshiper: I'm going to teach when I grow up too!
Reactions: 
     *In His infinite wisdom the lord would not allow it, I'm sure.
     *I'm sure you have just said that for effect but, just the thought of it makes me wonder where I went wrong.
     *By the time you're ready to teach it will be outmoded. Students will probably step into a telephone booth, be bombarded by audio-visual programs and step back out with a sheepskin.
    

PUN FUN

     It's been said puns are lowest type of humor on the laugh meter. But I'll still bet you get some chuckles out of the bunch collected here.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

You Know It's Going to Be a Bad Day When.....

YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN.....
...the bird outside your bedroom window, that woke you up, is a vulture.
...your bed companion rolls over and asks. "Who are you?"
...you put your bra accidentally on backwards...and it still fits.
...You turn to put on the rest of your clothes and there aren't any.
...you absent-mindedly try to fit both contact lenses into the same eye.
...your pet rock sneers at you in the mirror as you are putting on your makeup.
...you make a donation for the Red Cross while shaving.
...your car horn gets stuck on the way to work, while driving behind a group of Hell's Angels bikers.
..you find the TV crew from "60 Minutes" waiting outside your office.
...you get to work only to have a co-worker tell you the hem of your dress is tucked into the back of your pantyhose.
...your boss tells you not to bother to take off your hat.
...your e-mail includes a notice your Internal Revenue payment check has bounced.
...you call your answering service and they don't answer.
...you call your twin sister and find she has forgotten your birthday.
...the frosting on the birthday cake your co-workers have arranged for melts from the heat of all those candles.
...you call the number a friend has given you for a blind date and it turns out to be your ex.
...you call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.
...you turn on the TV news to find they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

And so you decide you have nothing more to lose by leaving, no matter what the emergency is!

METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING

     Metaphors are part of the writer's arsenal. But anyone can have fun thinking them up. The most common one that usually comes to mind is "Faster than a speeding bullet", taken from the Superman introduction.
    Try your image-making skills by adding to the following ones for "Faster than..."

FASTER THAN...
...a chain smoker's light-up in the morning.
...a bald man's comb-out.
...a politician's handshake.
...a six-year old can get dirty.
...a mother's sympathy.
...a waitress can pick up a $5 tip.
...a minute lube job on you car.
...the horn on the car behind you when the light turns green.
...a teenager's change of crushes.
...a gigolo's wink.
...a new puppy can cuddle.
...the neighborhood gossip.
...a Don Rickles put-down.
...an anteater's tongue.
...a pricked balloon's pop.
...a doctor's bill arriving.
...a lawyer's plea bargain.
...a sports announcer using a cliche.
...a rookie referee's whistle.
...a National Football League punter falls down when touched by a line rusher.


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

HIS AND HERS

     Teen agers often like to have his' and her's matching this or that, like matching bracelets with each others names on them, or matching T-shirts with her wearing one labeled "His" and him wearing one labeled "Hers" and so on. But recently I read about this cute practice being turned up a notch. A Manhattan designer named Ben Kahn was offering matching "his" and "hers" fur coats in Nutria or Black Seal for $2,000 each. Topping that, Nieman-Marcus of Dallas featured his and hers bathtubs, at $4,000 each, and black willow Minks at $50,000 each. There were, regretfully, "Sold out" signs on other models costing $75,000.
     These examples haven't exactly started a trend, but there have been a number of other unusual his-and-hers items noted in the media...enough to see that the theme has caught onto the public fancy. For example, in Lawndale, Maryland, a car was noted with the names of opposing political candidates on opposite sides of the rear bumper. One candidate had "His", the other "Hers", under them.
    Another report had a European made station wagon with flag decals on the side windows. One side sported an Irish one marked "His" and the other side had a French one marked "Hers". Awhile later the reporter noted the addition of  American flag decals alongside them. It seems the owners had become American citizens.
    In Malibu, California, there were a pair of Cadillacs noted with license plates "His" and "Hers". "He" got the special plates after she garnered a dented fender on "hers". A Portsmouth couple, with matched Porsches, smilingly reported he parks his in front of their house and she parks hers in back, giving them both "a front Porsche and a back Porsche".
     Where but in Southern California would you find his and hers auto accidents? The wife comes home distraught and relates to her husband that a car banged into her from behind at a stop sign. Then he tells her he had his car banged into also, while waiting for a car ahead to make a left turn. Discussion turned up the fact that both accidents happened at 4 PM. at intersections of Beverly Boulevard.
     In Bismarck, ND, a home-planning husband devised what he considered a realistic garage. On one door of the double garage he painted "His" and on the other, which was two feet wider, he painted "Hers".
     Then there was the bachelor apartment sporting a pair of towels racked in the bathroom labeled "His" and "To Whom It May Concern". While, in another household, with kids, were three towel racks. One was "His", a really clean, neat one was "Hers" and a scruffy, dirty one was "Theirs". Another household with kids also had three towel holders: "His", "Hers" and a huge bath towel labeled "Little League". Next to these was one more rack- holding a fancy embroidered towel - labeled "Hands off", for guests, of course. Adding a bit of humor was the politician who threatened to put up towels in the State House loo labeled "Hems" and "
Haws".
     The bedroom of a model home in Bayside, NY reportedly had three closets, on which the male realtor had attached temporary signs stating: "His", "Hers" and "Probably hers also".
     Behind a duplex, where a young male lived in one half and a young female lived in the other half, there were two trash cans. The male, embarrassed by garbage men jibes about all the feminine product packages in their garbage, painted "His" on his can. She, no less embarrassed by all the booze bottles and beer cans in his, then painted "Hers" on hers.
     Perhaps the cleverest advertising clone was the magazine subscription company hyping two-subscriptions for the price of one - His and Her magazine choices. But the most useful item of all has to be the Party Blanket sold by Collegiate Hall of Warren, Ohio. The blanket is ideal for everything from beach parties to the big game, with two quilted triple pockets for keeping hands warm and stowing bottles of good cheer. Available with either "Jack" and "Jill" or "His" and "Hers" embroidered on the twin pockets.
     Varied entrepreneurs at various times have jumped onto the his-and-hers merchandising gimmick with gusto. A hair stylist in Los Angeles was touting his and hers curlers for sale. A Bucks County, Pennsylvania man named Don Kooker started marketing his and hers walking sticks in 1967, hand crafted from highly polished walnut, topped with a sterling disk bearing the Kooker coat of arms and with buyers initials included: $45. The Wanderlust and Woodland Nymph sticks measured 37, 34 or 31 inches in length, while the He-Man Staff, the Stallion Stick and the Sire's Scepter measured.46, 43 and 40 inches respectively. Eventually they were selling in U.S. stores like Saks Fifth Avenue, Neiman-Marcus and Abercrombie & Fitch and one was bought by none other than noted walker Queen Mum Elizabeth of England.
     The Industrial Savings Bank of Flint, Michigan, some years back, introduced his and hers bank vaults. According to ads the 432-square feet "hers" vault was suitable for "gems, silver and gold, stocks, cash and other personal mementos". The 1,054-square feet "his" was suitable for storing small personal collections of "art, antique automobiles, firearms and cash". Just the thing for pre-nup couples.
     Not every merchandising brainstorm works, of course. Firestone once (in the 1960s) toyed with the idea of auto tires with flowered sidewalls. Tires for men would feature a wide, bold tread, while those for women would be fashioned with colored studs in the tread and a flowery sidewall stripe. Never got out of the experimental stage, though.
     Another failure was the Italian Fiat Vanessa 850 prototype auto in 1966. It featured violet interiors, a turntable driver's seat for easy entrance and exit, an elegant cosmetics bag within easy reach, along with a multitude of practical features, like safety belts for children, a rear window designed to open so a shopper could remove groceries easily from the back seat, and the trunk divided into various storage compartments. Men didn't go for the violet boudoir look and, as it turned out, women did not especially want an "exclusively feminine" car.
     I would be lax if I didn't mention that other his-and-hers pairing necessary in every booze palace. The Onaway Bar in Washington, owned by a fancier of bird dog, has its toilets labeled "Pointers" and "Setters". He says some people will stand and look at those doors for five minutes before they figure out which one to open.
     When the newer Atlanta Braves baseball stadium construction was not quite complete by opening night, temporary signs,  "Braves" and "Squaws", were mounted on toilets.Complaints were numerous. Not as numerous as the quizzical queries arising at a Bedfordshire, England factory being built that had three similar doors in a hallway marked "Ladies", "Gentlemen" and , between them, one labeled "Experimental".
   

Monday, September 23, 2013

A MOTHER-IN-LAW RANT

     My mother-in-law and I never got along.
     When she came to visit all I thought of was just another mouth to heed. Most people who think the art of conversation is dead have to sit in a movie audience to find out how wrong they are. But not me. My mother-in-law gets up first thing in the morning, brushes her teeth, then sharpens her tongue.
     She's a woman of a few (thousand) words - a born controversationalist.. In her case, whoever named it small talk was a poor judge of quantity. If exercise eliminates fat, I don't understand what she is doing with a double chin.
    She's a chain talker, lighting one sentence right off the spark of the last. I think it is nice to be able to hold a conversation, but I think you ought to let go of it now and then too.  She's so wound up in herself that, when she looks out a window she can't see any further than her own reflection. She really keeps our conversations ho-humming. Even when she talks about me, she bores me.
    She doesn't just enter a room, she invades it. Someone warned me that she was outspoken, but they could never name by who. You've heard people arguing pro and con, but her "pro" means her convincing and unanswerable statements, while "con" is the contemptible drivel of the person arguing with her. And she can always back up her logic with readings. She reads a lot, though it's actually only enough to keep her misinformed.
     I think I'd pay money to hear her argue with one of those tobacco auctioneers. It wouldn't make any difference to her if she understood him or not. Once she was hoarse for a week trying to have the last word with an echo. Yet she always says she is willing to meet people half-way. What she means, unfortunately, is that she will admit she's wrong if you will admit she's right.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

THE NAVY WAY*


       A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

       The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following
  note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
       "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
  I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
  officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM      prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
  they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
  point: No Jews please."

       Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
  "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
  possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
  my best and most prized officers.
       "One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
  additional Master’s degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
  design.
      "The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
  graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in
  Aeronautical Engineering. His Master’s Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
  and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
  also an astronaut candidate.
       "The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
  systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
  notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.
       "Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
  ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
  Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
  Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
  Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

       Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and
  looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
  escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
  women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

        At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
  at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
  handsome, smiling Black officers.
        Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
  "There must be some mistake."
       "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

     (This was forwarded to me without origination credit. But I think it needs to be more widely printed and read and I suspect the writer who penned it will approve (since this blog is not commercialized by accepting crass filthy lucre).



Tuesday, September 3, 2013

WORKING YOUR GRAY CELLS OVERTIME

     The following are questions originally asked to test the gray cells of senior citizens, but I think you other readers ought to try it too, even though it may not be fun discovering how clueless you are. The test originator was not named, but must be someone sly and devious, probably with an agenda to embarrass us and make himself/herself feel superior. But, if this is not enough warning, then, by all means, press on. See if you are, as you perceive yourself, Mensa material.

1.Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April; the second was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. A clerk at a butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. How much dirt is in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

4. Which word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

5. Billy was born on December 28, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

6. You cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg in California. Why not?

7. What was the President's name in 1975?

8. You are running a race and pass the person in second place, so what place would you now be in?

9. Which is correct to say: "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white."

10. A farmer has five hay stacks in one field and four in another field. How many hay stacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?

ANSWERS:

1 Read the question again. The answer is "Johnny", of course.
2. He's a butcher. He weighs meat.
3. A hole doesn't have any dirt in it.
4. Incorrectly, according to the dictionary, must always be spelled "incorrectly".
5. This is the really "cute" question. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
6. You just can't take a picture with a wooden leg. Didn't you read the question?
7. Same as his name is now, Barack Obama.
8. Well, you passed the person in second place, so you take his place: second.
9. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow. Are you color blind?
10. He combines the nine stacks, so he now has one big stack. What don't you understand about the word "combine"?

Maybe your reading skills and comprehension just need upgrading!

Monday, August 26, 2013

GEEZER GAGS

     On my recent 89th birthday one of my also-elderly cohorts sent me a letter with some choice geezer gags in it. Each is a short-short story within itself, with a surprise ending. While it may take an older person to fully appreciate them, I thought they were humorous enough that anyone of any age could get a smile out of them.

     A very elderly gentleman (let's say mid-90s), very spffily dressed, sparse hair well groomed, wearing a great looking suit with a flower in the lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, all in all presenting a well-looked-after image, saunters into an upscale cocktail lounge. 
     Seated at the bar is an elderly appearing lady (guessed at mid-80s), also well-coifed and well dressed. The gentleman walks over and sits alongside her, orders his drink, takes a trial sip, turns to her and asks, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

   An older gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to an audioologist who was able to fit him for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. When he went back for his one-month checkup, the doc told him, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be very pleased that you can hear so well again."
     The gentleman, with a sly grin, replied, "Oh, I haven['t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times."

     Two older gentlemen were sitting on a bench under a tree at the retirement center commiserating with one another. One says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
     Slim thinks a minute, then replies, "I feel just like a new-born baby! Yep, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

     An older couple finished dinner at another older couple's home. The wives cleaned up the dishes and went into the kitchen, leaving the two gentlemen to talk over cigars. One announced, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it turned out really great. I would highly recommend it."
     "What's it's name?" asked the other.
     The first man thought a bit and finally said, "What's the name of the flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."
     "Do you mean a rose?"
     "That's it." And he turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

     Hospital regulations require a wheelchair be used for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him.
     "I don't know," he answered. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

     You DID smile, didn't ;you?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Autographics of the Stars

     Star athletes have a relatively short, albeit bigger-than-life, time in the media spotlight. So everything they do becomes a sort of media hype, even such small things as the wording on their personalized auto license plates. Many, thus, have opted over the years for the opportunity "vanity" plates  has offered them.

The Athlete:                                                 His license plate:

Heinie Groh, Cincinnatti third baseman         .474 (his batting average in 1932 World Series)
Johnny Bench, baseball catcher after
earning his first MVP award                         MVP-1
Roger Clemens, Pro pitcher                         SUPER K (with "1986 MVP" and "Cy Young" painted over                                                                                                taillights on his Porsche 928 S4)
Kent Tekulve, pro baseball pitcher               TEKE 27  (uniform number)
Al Oliver, pro baseball outfielder after
winning American League title for hits           AL HITS
Frank Thomas,  Cincinnatti's AL MVP 
twice in succession                                       LNG BALL
Bert Blyleven, pro baseball pitcher               XMAS TOY (for wife's car to celebrate his then-new $3.5                                                                                                million contract)                                                   Edwin Nunez, pro baseball pitcher               ED-WINS
Matt Young, pro baseball pitcher                 STRYKK
Lenny Heep, pro baseball outfielder             ARNOLD (which he never explained)
Eddie Shore, hockey hall of famer                MR HOCKEY
Mike Gennis, world team sky diving champ  AIRGASM
One time race starter at Maryland's 
thoroughbred racing tracks                           BLIND (which was his real name)
Edwin Moses, Olympic hurdling champion    OLYMPYN
Tom Petranoff, former world champ 
javelin thrower                                              327-2-JAV (his record distance)
Brian Boitano, world champ figure skater      SKY8-88 (his future expectation in 1987)
Kurt Thomas, Olympic gold medal gymnast  GOLD N 92
Sammy Lee, Olympic champ springboard 
diver                                                            2 GOLDS
Paul Pender, former middleweight boxing
champion                                                     M-CHAMP
Tony DeMarco, former welterweight
boxing champion                                          TKO
Larry Holmes, former IMF heavyweight
boxing champion                                           ROUND-1
Doug Dieken, former Cleveland offensive
tackle                                                            ME HOLD
Hart Lee Dykes, NFL draftee                        ICU-UCME 
Michael Jordan, pro basketball player            M-AIR-JORDAN
Chuck Nevitt,  former Detroit, L.A. and 
Houston pro basketball player                       7 FT 5 (which was his height. Wife Sandra had 5 FT 7.) 
Rudy Garciduenas, L.A. Lakers equipment
manager                                                        THANX SHAQ (on new car Shaq O'Neal gifted him)      

 

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Short Stories in Doggerel

     I'm not into poetry, but doggerel humor does amuse and intrigue me. Where else can one find complete short stories, with surprise endings, in just a few lines of text?

My poetry is nonsense
And full of frivolities;
People may say I'm lacking
In my mental faculties!
                  --Those who disagree with me

It isn't the meter,
It isn't the rime,
It's only ideas
Short of which I'm!
                  --Robertr G. Peck, Jr.

SWEETEST GUY
He's demanding, that's true,
Unpredictable too.
He's a rascal (knows that he's handsome)
And is bold, yet shy.
He's the sweetest little guy.
He's four, and I love him....my grandson!
                 --Liz Smith

TWO FOR THE MONEY...
A dashing young fellow named Joe
Has lost all his happy glow;
He used to be sunny
And had plenty of money,
But that was two blondes ago!
                    --Ft. Belvoir Castle

PER VERSE
She's in mink
And looks divine;
I'm in serge
And simply shine!
               --Pensacola Gasport

DIFFERENT PATHS
Jim blew his money, loafed and shirked;
   John planned and saved, worked and worked.
So Jim never attained success,
   While John toiled on with strain and stress --
      And never made it either!
                  --Berton Braley

FOUR-EYED GLAMOUR
Women respect the male sex,
If and when they wear specs,
'Cause girls can never make asses
Of boys who wear glasses!
                 --Earl Wilson

HEAVEN SCENT
I don't like skunks
And won't until
Skunks start using
Chlorophyll!
              --/Zany Janey

RECOGNITION
I haven't any ankles;
I haven[t any feet.
I'm just a little earthworm
One long hunk of meat!
              --Anon

DIETWISE
How fat she are.
She used to wasn't.
The reason is
She daily doesn't!
            --Anon

JACK & JILL UPDATE
Jack and Jill went up the hill -
They each had a dollar and a quarter -
Jill cam down
With half a crown....
They evidently didn't go up for water!
               --Wilbur Smith in "The Eye of the Tiger"

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Asters are red,
Delphiniums blue;
Cold in the head...
September flu.
I'll be in bed
A day or two...
Adieu - Achoo!
           --Sal Hep







Monday, July 29, 2013

FADEAWAYS

     Let's start a new word-use fad. We'll call it "Fadeaways". You select some occupation, then make up some hopefully humorous way people in that profession "fade away". For example: Cowboys. Old cowboys never die.They just get de-ranged! Or, alternately, old cowboys never die.They just lose their range!

Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away. (Craig Fleishman)
Old fishermen never die.They just smell that way. (Anon) Or...
Old fishermen never die. They just wade away. (Seryl L. Webb)
Old poultrymen never die.They just chicken out. (Al Bernstein)
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance. (Charles Shaw)
Old anesthesiologists never die. They just run out of gas. (Sheria K. Martin)
Old insurance agents never die. It's against their policy. (Marian S. Schwartz)
Old procrastinators never die. They just keep putting it off. (C.P. Miscavish)
Old lawyers never die. They just lose their appeal. (Bob Talbert in Detroit Free Press)
Old actors never die. They just lose their parts. (Graffiti)
Old librarians never die. They just get renewed. (Agnes Halsey)
Old quilters never die. They just mend the pieces. (Marie Radeck)
Old psychiatrists never die. They just shrink away. (Jim Fiebig)
Old philosophers never die. They Kant. (Janet L. Kragen)
Old welders never die. They just pass the torch. (Nan Kemp)
Old truckers never die. They just semi-re-tire. (Arthur J. George)
Old daredevils never die, they just get dis-couraged. (Anon)
Old comedians never die. They just go to the 'old jokes' home. (Shelley Friedman)

and, of course, Old plagiarists never die. They just steal away. (Mary Ann Herman)



Thursday, July 25, 2013

JOB WISE

     A go-getter is someone who follows you into a revolving door and comes out ahead of you. So it is with people who go into the same business situation everyone else does but comes up with that little something extra that gives them a bigger share of that market. or a better relationship with customers, which usually amounts to the same thing. Consider these examples.
     *CLOTHES MAKE THE GARBAGEMAN - Ray Valine, a Sacramento garbage collector, wore an ear-flapping bunny costume a week before Easter and passed out candy from an Easter basket to hundreds of children along his collection route. The week before Christmas he wore a Santa suit. Fellow collectors thought him a bit nuts. But his customers loved him. And the garbage he picked up was always neater than on others' routes.
     *DURESS DRESS ENGINEER - John T. Molloy of New York was calling himself a "clothing engineer". "Most American women dress to fail," he bluntly reported. "They think they have to be attractive, appealing, kittenish all the time, but sometimes those characteristics can be distinct drawbacks in business success." Molloy successfully dressed politicians, foreign government representatives, and corporate VIPs for 16 years. Then he turned his attention toward engineering the dressage of women customers seeking corporate success. His success followed.
     *STAND-IN ABSENTEES - Two Los Angeles area artists, Yuri Schwebler and Laurie Le Clair, began a firm called Dirty Works, Inc. It started when Yuri got paid for flying to D.C. from L.A. to stand in for a friend who was obligated - but didn't want to go - to a dinner there. So the two figured there must be a lot of people who, similarly, would pay NOT to have to do things they were obligated to do. Their first job had Laurie breaking someone's engagement for him.
     *PERFECT TIMING - When Rose Shade and her husband stopped for lunch, while traveling through California, they noted a meter maid busily writing parking citations on a row of autos. Right behind her was a young man placing small cards beside each ticket on the windshields, which read: "Maybe your watch was slow. Bring it in to us for repair and we will pay your parking ticket".
     *MAN-IKIN - Chuck Carl's best advertising, conversely, was doing nothing. In fact, that was what he was doing for a living. He was billing himself as "The Mechanical Robot" and touring the country posing. One specialty was modeling male fashions at trade shows, as a robotized "mime" manikin.
     *MUTILANT ART - Artist Christopher Burden, at age 29  was dubbed "the Evil Knievel of art" by Oui Magazine because he was using his body to make his living too. In his words, he "made himself the subject of his performances". But his art was like no other. For instance, he was paid $725 by the University of Maryland-Balrimore County to perform what he called "a body work" in its then-new fine arts dance studio, until a campus conflict arose over it. Administrators heard about some of his other body works and claimed there were moral issues involved. In recent years Burden had: 1) crawled stark naked through broken glass strewn on a Los Angeles street, 2) had an assistant shoot him in the arm with a .22 calibre handgun, 3) attempted to electrocute himself (non-fatally), and 4) been purposely kicked down concrete stairs in front of an audience.
     COUNTER-FETE-ING -  John Stark of New Orleans had to combat public controversy to practice his profession, too. He was selling $1,000,000 bills. He had to beat a counterfeiting rap to continue selling his double-sized novelty greenbacks. He claimed to be the "largest" money maker in the USA.
     Making money, thus, is shown to be an individual matter. But, if a person  has the ingenuity to make a job, that job may well end up making him, too.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Re-run Fun

     After months of serious study, and much reported merriment, 100,000 Londoners voted - in December 2001 - the world's funniest joke.      
     In the largest such experiment ever conducted, the British Association for the Advancement of Science, in conjunction with LaughLab, judged 10,000 joke entries and the clear winner was the joke about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's famous fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick Dr. Watson going camping and pitching their tent under the stars.
     During the night Holmes wakes Watson and says, "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."
     Watson says, "I see a million stars and, if even a few of them have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there, and there might also be life."
     Holmes replies,. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."

     The joke is not new, but newness was not a consideration in the judging. But it is easy to see that the judges might have been swayed by the famed British characters involved. While the situation is humorous, it probably would not make the top ten in the U.S.
     For examples, take some of my favorites at random - all re-run fun, but just as good the second time around.

Re-generation
     A young "punk' boards the cross-town bus. His hair is spiked in colors of green, purple and orange. His cargo shorts and jacket are tattered mixes of camo cloth. His legs are bare and he is barefoot. His face is riddled with jewelry piercings, complete with big bright feathers as earrings. He plops into the only vacant seat, which is directly across from an old man who glares at him through  the next several stops.
     Eventually the punk becomes conscious of the old man's glare and barks, "What you lookin' at, you old goat? Ain't you never done anything wild when you were young?"
     Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yep. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I though maybe you might me my son!"

Shorted Sermon
     The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.
     When the CEO returned from the big event he was furious with the employee. "What was the idea  writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
     The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."  (Courtesy of Edward Phillips, The World's Best Business Jokes, Angus & Robertson, London)

Poor Timing
     One Sunday morning after services one man complained to the priest that he felt there was a lack of friendliness among members of the congregation and that people seemed reluctant to greet one another in church. The priest agreed, but said he had a plan to change things.
     During services the following Sunday, the priest described this situation to the congregation and stated that the following Sunday "we will have a brief pause to allow parishioners to turn to those seated behind them and greet them with friendly hellos".
     After the service the complainant turned around to the woman behind him and said, "Good morning."
     She looked at him in shocked indignation. "That doesn't start until next  Sunday!" she snapped. (J.C.M. in Reader's Digest)

Suits Him Right
     Joe was suffering from terrific headaches. The doctor told him he could cure them, but it would require castration. "You have a rare condition that causes pressure to build up against your spine," the doctor explained. "This, in turn, causes headaches. The only cure is surgery."
     Joe was shocked, but the excruciating pain caused him to go ahead with the operation. When he left the hospital, he was depressed. He tried lifting his spirits by shopping for a new suit.
     The salesman eyed him and said, "44 long, right?"
     "That's right," Joe agreed. He tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.
     "How about a new shirt to go with it?" asked the clerk. "About a 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck?"
     "Right again," said Joe. "You're amazing."
     "While you're here, why not get some new underwear too?" the salesman suggested. He eyed Joe's waist and said, "Size 36."
     "No, you finally missed," Joe chuckled. "I wear size 34."
     "You couldn't possibly," argued the salesman. "Underwear that tight would create a great deal of pressure against your spine and cause one heckuva headache."  (Courtesy Bryan Eldring)

Perfect Prescription
     A printer went to his doctor for a checkup. The doctor wrote him a prescription in his normal handwriting. The printer put it into his wallet, but neglected to have it filled. Instead, every morning for two years he showed it to the conductor as a railway pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, once into a baseball park and once into a symphony concert.Then, one day he mislaid it at home.
     His daughter picked it up, played it on her harp and won a scholarship to a music conservatory!

Eggsact Response
     "Sounds good," my wife said as she noted the special $1.99 breakfast menu of two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast, "But I don't want the eggs."
     "Then I will have to charge you $2.49 since you are ordering a la carte," the waitress warned.
     "You mean I have to pay for NOT taking the eggs?", my wife asked in surprise. "Then I'll take the special."
     "Then how do you want your eggs?" asked the waitress.
     "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.  (Courtesy Russ Jenkins)


     Counterpoint
     Greenbay quarterback Bart Starr came home one day before a big game, yelled at one of his children, spanked another and snapped at Cherry, his wife, for not getting some letters out in the mail. 
     Finally Cherry asked, "What is wrong with you? I've never seen you so edgy."
     "I've got a jillion things to do," Bart shouts back, "and I've got to find time to get to a banquet in Appleton tonight too."
     "What kind of a banquet?" asks Cherry.
     Still in a foul mood, Bart growls, "Oh, I'm receiving a 'nice guy' award."    (Courtesy Jerry Kramer, Instant Replay, Sports Illustrated)

     Don''t you agree my choices are funnier?


   
   













Monday, June 17, 2013

Ingenious Prisoner of War Code

     The ingenuity of American prisoners of war in communicating with each other during the Korean War was amazing. One way was to tap a code - known as the "F L Q V" code - on pipes or walls. Every POW was taught this five letters wide, five rows deep (25-letter square) code that looked like this:

A B C D E
F G H I J
L M N O P
Q R S T U
V W X Y Z   Wherever necessary the letter C was substituted for the letter K, which was
                      dropped.

     To start, 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 taps indicated the row the first letter of the message would be in. The next series of taps would mark the letter in the row indicated. Thus a five-tap followed by a two-tap would mean the letter W.
     Eventually sophisticated offshoots were developed, like a visual code encompassing touching various parts of the body to indicate letters. For instance, a prisoner under heavy pressure to make an anti-war statement for publication could let other POWs watching him being led across a courtyard know he was c-o-p-i-n-g by scratching his head - for Row 1, then his shoulder - for Column 3, indicating the letter C, then scratching elbow, wrist, hip, knee, ankle, toe, etc, to form the following letters.
     In the vermin-infested prisons, the guards saw nothing unusual in all this scratching, because they had the same scratching problem.
     The guards also coughed, cleared their throats and spat a great deal, and had no idea that, when the prisoners did the same things, they were talking to each other. Sometimes - especially when a prisoner was being taken to or from an interrogation and the others wanted to buck him up - the amount of coughing and spitting that went on was even too much for the rheumiest guards. They couldn't get out of the cellblock fast enough.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

College Humor...2nd time around!

    In browsing some old - circa 1954-5 - college annuals and humor magazines (I seem to have a problem with throwing anything away!) I've come across one of those drinking songs that were popular at that time.           They had verse after verse, with one leading into the next by coyly changing ribald thought with the last word in each verse blanked and changed to innocence by transposing into the first line of the next verse. If that is a bit difficult to understand, the following example will explain adequately. (If you think it a bit silly, understand that you would have needed to be college-age and have a few beers under your belt before it became truly hilarious.)
     This one was an ode to some long-forgotten coed named Suzanne, penned by some long forgotten "rough", who possibly attended Stanford University and understood the joy of a few cold ones while sunning out at "the lake". I have no idea what the tune that went with it could have been!

Suzanne was a lady
With plenty of class,
Who knocked 'em all dead
When she wiggled her....

Eyes at the fellows,
As girls sometimes do,
To make it quite plain
That she wanted to....

Take in a movie
Or go for a sail
And then hurry home
For a nice piece of ....

Cake and ice cream or
Slice of roast duck,
For after each meal
She was ready to ....

Go for a ride
Or stroll on the dock
With any young man
With a sizeable ....

Roll of big bills
And a pretty good front,
And, if he talked fast,
She would show him her ....

Little pet dog,
Who was subject to fits,
And maybe she would let him
Take hold of her ....

Lily white hands and,
With a movement so quick,
Why she'd reach right over
And tickle his ....

Chin while she showed him
A trick learned in France
And asked the poor fellow
To take off his ....

Coat while she sang
Of the Mandalay shore.
For, wherever she was
Suzanne was no bore!

Monday, June 10, 2013

"RED" RIBS

     Once upon a time jokes poking fun at the supposedly not-so-bright Polish populace - true or not - were popular fun. In more recent times, with Communism still rampant in Russia, the scene has shifted. It has become easier to poke fun at Russia and the Russians, as shown by these "Red" Ribs.

USSR: Union of Silently Swallowed Republics. (Fred Ottinger)

Question: What is Communism?
Answer: Communism, the cause that depresses. (Paul Steiner)
Answer: A totalitarian state, where everything that is not forbidden is compulsory. (Ray D. Everson)
Answer: The shortest route from the cradle to the grave. (Quote)

Q: What is a Communist?
Answer: A person who has abandoned hope of becoming a capitalist.
Answer: One who borrows your pot to cook your goose in.

Russian school teacher: "Who were the first human beings?"
Pupil: "Adam and Eve."
Teacher: "And what nationality were they?"
Pupil: "Russian, of course."
Teacher: "And how do you know they were Russian?"
Pupil: "They had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear, and only one apple to eat between them - and even that was forbidden - and they still called it Paradise." (A. Mayer in National Examiner, Montreal)

If the Russians were really so proud of their Communist experiment, they would take down the Iron Curtain and put in a picture window. (Alex Dreier, quoted by Larry Welters, Chicago Tribune-New York News Syndicate)

On a Moscow street a resident has two pails, one empty and the second filled with potatoes. He keeps pouring the potatoes from one pail to the other, seemingly very satisfied with his work.
"But nothing has changed," a visitor objects.
"Ah yes," the Russian agrees, but what a noise it creates!" (Hedrick Smith in New York Times Magazine)

We've finally determined what is meant by the hammer and sickle on the Russian flag. The sickle is to mow 'em down and the hammer is to keep 'em that way. (Viking Vacuum)

In an earlier time, three Czech political prisoners, who found themselves in the same Russian cell, started getting acquainted.
"They arrested me for being against Slansky," said the first.
"That's rich. They arrested me for being for Slansky," said the second.
Both turned to their companion, whose eyes were downcast to the floor. "What about you?" one asked.
"I'm Slansky," he replied.

Communist country: Where they name a street after you one day and chase you down the next. (H&B Bulletin)

Comrade Dobrinski, at a Party meeting, got up from his seat and asked, "Comrade Leader, I have three questions. If we are the greatest industrial nation in the world,what has happened to our automobiles? And, if we have the best agriculture in the world, what has happened to our bread? And, if we are the greatest cattle raisers in the world, what has happened to our meat?"
The Party chairman stared at Comrade Dobrinski for a moment, then declared, "It is too late to reply to your questions tonight. I will answer them at our next meeting."
When the next meeting opened the following week, a different Party member rose and asked, "What has happened to Comrade Dobrinski?" (Bill Leverette in "On Edgar Bergen's Lap", Peachtree Publishers)

Sign supposedly seen in Moscow election booth: "Vote Communist - the life you save may be your own!" (Louis Sobol)

You know you can say anything in Russia...once. (Air University Dispatch)

In Russia Mother Goose has been replaced by Poppa Ganda. (The Old Maid)

You  have free speech in Russia, just like here. But here you have free speech after you speak too.

Minorities are very vocal in Russia. You just can't hear them from Siberia.

What's the difference between real Democracy and Communist "democracy"?
The same as between a jacket and a straightjacket.

What's the difference between Communism and Christianity?
While Christianity sometimes preaches poverty, Communism makes it a reality. (Konrad Seyferth in "The First One Who Giggles Is OUT")

Religion is set up a little differently in Russian than it is here. For instance, when you go to confession in the U.S., you come back out again. (Orben's Comedy Center)

President Reagan and Russia's Gorbachev were swapping jokes at a meeting in Geneva. Reagan boasted that an American could walk right into the White House, pound on the  President's desk and say, "I don't like the way you are running the country." The Russian surprised the American by saying that a Russian could do the same thing - walk right into the Kremlin and tell Gorbachev, "I don't like the way Reagan is running his country." (U.S. News & World Report)

Q: Why are Canada and the United States able to send Russia so much wheat?
A: "Typical failure of capitalism - overproduction."

Q: What was the stupidest act committed in Russia in 1962?
A: Being shot into space, circling the earth 64 times, then landing back in Russia.

A bookseller hung a special sign in her window during Red Book Week, advertising four Russian books. She was arrested. The book titles, in order, read: "We Want to Live", "Far From Moscow", "In the Shadow of the Skyscrapers", "Under the Foreign Flag". (Unknown)

The dissident was condemned by the Russian judge to a Siberian work camp. "The sentence is too light," the dissident protested." "What do you mean?" asks the surprised judge. "Well, if America is so bad, why don't you send me there?" (Ronald Reagan)

Two Muscovites were talking. "What would you do if the Russian government opened the border so anyone could leave?" "I'd climb a tall tree." "What for?" "So I wouldn't get crushed in the crowd." (Boris Berelyand and Steve Bhaerman)

A refugee who had spent 22 months working in a Russian factory fled the country and landed a job with a Western construction company. On his first day at work the boss, being  shorthanded, asked him if he would mind working a double shift, a 16- hour stretch, for a week. "Sixteen hours a day!" exclaimed the refugee. "What is this, part-time work?" (Anthony J. Pettito in Reader's Digest)

Few people would dispute the story that the Russians invented inventing.  (F.Robert Becker)

Necessity being the mother of invention, it is amazing that the Russians haven't claimed the invention of mothers. (Eldon Pedersen)

"Oh, boy," cried the Russian inventor who had gotten hold of an American mail order catalog. "Look at all the wonderful new things to invent."

Russia invented the steam locomotive, then sent spies over here to find out our secret for what it was for. (Detroit News)

A factory worker noted it is impossible to do anything right in Russia. If a worker arrives five minutes early, he is accused of being a sabateur. If he is five minutes late, he is accused of betraying Socialism. If he arrives on time, everyone asks, "Where did you get the watch?"

It isn't easy being a drinker in Russia. For one thing, who ever heard of a Happy Hour in Russia? (Orben's Current Comedy)

There is a statue of Lenin in Moscow holding up his hand with index finger extended. The story is that he tried to get a cab by offering one kopek and turned to stone. (Anon.)

In a small Russian town a long line stretched around the block outside the state food store. Way back in the queue one Russian exploded in anger. "That's it," he bellowed. "I've had it with all the lining up for everything. Our system doesn't work. Andropov is in town today and I'm going to go give him a piece of my mind." With that he stalked off.
An hour later he is back. "Well, asked a friend, Did you tell Andropov off?"
"I couldn't," the man sputtered, The line was too long." (George Calland-Scoble in Reader's Digest)

When Andropov arrived at the Pearly Gates, he was welcomed by St. Peter. "Make yourself comfortable. I just have to take care of some details downstairs and I'll be right back," said St. Peter.
So Andropov, looking around, noted a great many clocks, each with hands that were turning at different speeds. When St. Peter returned, Andropov asked about them.
"Well, each of those clocks symbolizes  a country of the world, and each speed represents the rates at which human rights are being violated," answers the Saint.
"Oh, so where is our Soviet clock?" asks the curious Andropov.
"Ah, yes, the Soviet clock," began St. Peter. "That one often comes in handy. Right now it's being used as a fan in the kitchen." (Debra Weyman in Reader's Digest)

A Russian goes to the official government car dealer, selects a new care and puts his money down. The dealer says he can deliver the car in ten years.
"Morning or afternoon?" asks the buyer.
"In ten years, what's the difference?" asks the dealer.
"Because," the man replies, "the plumber is coming in the morning." (told by Ronald Reagan)

An older Moscow resident enters a local grocery and asks for three pounds of beef, a pound of butter, a can of coffee and some tomatoes.
"He's senile. Don't pay any attention," the grocer tells another customer, as he ushers the elder out the door.
"He may be senile," exclaims the second customer, "but what a memory!" (Quoted by Richard Perle in U.S. News & World Report)

As in America, most Russian hotels have a TV in every room. The difference is that in Russia the set watches you. (Milton Segal)

Everybody is interested in the possibilities of color television except the Russians. They're still trying to prove that black is white. (Bob Hope)