A MOTHER-IN-LAW RANT

     My mother-in-law and I never got along.
     When she came to visit all I thought of was just another mouth to heed. Most people who think the art of conversation is dead have to sit in a movie audience to find out how wrong they are. But not me. My mother-in-law gets up first thing in the morning, brushes her teeth, then sharpens her tongue.
     She's a woman of a few (thousand) words - a born controversationalist.. In her case, whoever named it small talk was a poor judge of quantity. If exercise eliminates fat, I don't understand what she is doing with a double chin.
    She's a chain talker, lighting one sentence right off the spark of the last. I think it is nice to be able to hold a conversation, but I think you ought to let go of it now and then too.  She's so wound up in herself that, when she looks out a window she can't see any further than her own reflection. She really keeps our conversations ho-humming. Even when she talks about me, she bores me.
    She doesn't just enter a room, she invades it. Someone warned me that she was outspoken, but they could never name by who. You've heard people arguing pro and con, but her "pro" means her convincing and unanswerable statements, while "con" is the contemptible drivel of the person arguing with her. And she can always back up her logic with readings. She reads a lot, though it's actually only enough to keep her misinformed.
     I think I'd pay money to hear her argue with one of those tobacco auctioneers. It wouldn't make any difference to her if she understood him or not. Once she was hoarse for a week trying to have the last word with an echo. Yet she always says she is willing to meet people half-way. What she means, unfortunately, is that she will admit she's wrong if you will admit she's right.