The best jokes I've heard this week are not all new, but don't stop me telling them because I want to hear those recycled ones again myself anyway. As you readers know by now, I love surprise endings.
1) There was a papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole living in a hole in the country near a farmhouse. One morning papa mole poked his head out of the hole, sniffed and said, "Mama, I smell sausages."
So mama mole poked her head out of the hole, sniffed and said, "Mmmm, and I smell pancakes too."
So baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff, but he couldn't because papa and mama moles were blocking the whole hole. And he complained, "The only thing I can small is molasses!"
2) The little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give the old lady she had seen in the park. Her mother was touched that her child was kind enough to want to share. So she gave the child the dollar.
"There you are, darling," said mama. "But isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh, yes," the girl replied, "She sells candy."
3) Jerry met the pastor at the church door after services. "You know, Reverend, I'm in a quandary. I want to attend church next Sunday, but I just can't miss the big game. You understand, don't you?" "But, Jerry," the pastor remonstrated, "don't you know that's what DVRs are for?"
A big smile lit up Jerry's face. "You mean I can record your sermon?"
4) My neighbor was talking to her four-year old daughter, Amy, about a group of relatives from Wisconsin, who were going to visit them. Amy, remembering a previous visit, complained about their accent, saying she couldn't understand them, that they talked as though their noses were plugged up.
"Well, they think we talk funny, that we have an accent too," answered her mother. "Everyone from different places talk in different ways. They think we talk funny, too, that we talk very slow with all our words drawn way out."
Amy's eyes got big and she said she understood. "You mean they hear funny too?"
5) A flight attendant, during a cross-country flight about 50 minutes outbound from Los Angeles, nervously announced, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard today and only 40 dinners to serve."
When the passengers' muttering had died down enough for her to continue, she added, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his or her meal for someone else will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
An hour later she made another announcement. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
6) As happens eventually in all families, the small boy was asking his father how people came to be. After a pause to gather his lines,the dad said,"There was Adam and Eve to begin with, and they had babies, and their children grew up and had babies, just like today."
That didn't jibe with what a neighbor boy had told him, so he went to his mother and asked the same question.
"We were all monkeys,"mom said and we evolved to become the humans we are today."
Still questing, the boy returned to his father and complained, "You lied to me. Mom said we were from monkeys, not Adam and Eve."
Yes,"tiredly explained dad, "but your mother was talking about her side of the family."
Monday, February 19, 2018
Friday, February 2, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Dog Persons' Thoughts"
"A dog is not a person's whole life, but a dog makes a person's life whole." That's a quote I picked up by Roger Caras that I think does man's best friend justice.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than it loves itself. --Josh Billings
Another quoted truism by a dog person, Ben Williams, is "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." I know that first-hand.
A dog also, of course, teaches a boy, according to humorist Robert Benchley, fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Sue Murphy adds: "Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
An unnamed writer in a Saturday Evening Post (July/August 2006) piece titled "It's A Dog's World," that came into my hands recently when my local library was cleaning out shelf space, had an epiphany I think quoting various celebrities presenting interesting thoughts about their dogs.
Let's lead off with Holbrook Jackson's over-the-top, "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Ann Landers, in her column, once expressed a different opinion: "Don't accept your dogs' admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amused contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck
Dereke Bruce: "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Ann Tyler: Ever consider what they think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we are the greatest hunters on earth."
Christopher Morley: "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
That's refuted by comedienne Fran Lebouvitz with this: "No animal should ever jump up onto the living room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than it loves itself. --Josh Billings
Another quoted truism by a dog person, Ben Williams, is "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." I know that first-hand.
A dog also, of course, teaches a boy, according to humorist Robert Benchley, fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Sue Murphy adds: "Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
An unnamed writer in a Saturday Evening Post (July/August 2006) piece titled "It's A Dog's World," that came into my hands recently when my local library was cleaning out shelf space, had an epiphany I think quoting various celebrities presenting interesting thoughts about their dogs.
Let's lead off with Holbrook Jackson's over-the-top, "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Ann Landers, in her column, once expressed a different opinion: "Don't accept your dogs' admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amused contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck
Dereke Bruce: "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Ann Tyler: Ever consider what they think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we are the greatest hunters on earth."
Christopher Morley: "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
That's refuted by comedienne Fran Lebouvitz with this: "No animal should ever jump up onto the living room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
Humor writer Dave Barry: "You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right. I never would have thought of that.'"
(Barry is also the one who has said, "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.")
My dog barks regularly when sighting the poodle down the street. Rita Rudner has a thought on such occurrence: "Maybe he thinks poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
My father when I was 14; "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
Me, also at 14: "Anyone who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog. And, if you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them."
"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." --Mark Twain
"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." --Mark Twain
James Thurber: "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to Heaven and very, very few persons."
Monday, January 29, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Why A Dog Is A Better Companion For You Than A Girfriend"
One of the reasons dogs are so popular is they always wag their tails instead of their tongues. That leads me to think that maybe the world would be better off if everyone had tails to let you know how they are feeling! But that is hardly the only reason dogs make better companions than girlfriends, according to a compilation from a recent male-only bull session I attended. Read on.
The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
You never have to wait for your dog. It is ready to go whenever you are, day or night.
Your dog understands that instinct trumps asking for directions every time.
Your dog will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Or even if you call it by another dog's name.
Your dog never expects gifts, even on Valentine's Day. They have no use for cards, flowers or jewelry.
Your dog won't cry unless it needs to go out to pee.
A dog loves it when your friends come over for a noisy bit of horseplay.
Dogs also like beer, and handle it about as well as you do.
Your dog would rather sit and drool while you fix it a hamburger patty than go our for a lobster dinner.
Your dog thinks your singing is great...and may even join in to promote harmony..
Your dog likes stuff srewn around on the floor, and never worries about germs.
Your dog understands that one has to raise one's voice on occasion to get one's point across.
Your dog won't "borrow" your sweaters or shirts and leave them with makeup on them.
Your dog is never going to add 50 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Your dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
Your dog's parents never visit.
And, addition to all that, anyone can get a good looking dog!
The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
You never have to wait for your dog. It is ready to go whenever you are, day or night.
Your dog understands that instinct trumps asking for directions every time.
Your dog will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Or even if you call it by another dog's name.
Your dog never expects gifts, even on Valentine's Day. They have no use for cards, flowers or jewelry.
Your dog won't cry unless it needs to go out to pee.
A dog loves it when your friends come over for a noisy bit of horseplay.
Dogs also like beer, and handle it about as well as you do.
Your dog would rather sit and drool while you fix it a hamburger patty than go our for a lobster dinner.
Your dog thinks your singing is great...and may even join in to promote harmony..
Your dog likes stuff srewn around on the floor, and never worries about germs.
Your dog understands that one has to raise one's voice on occasion to get one's point across.
Your dog won't "borrow" your sweaters or shirts and leave them with makeup on them.
Your dog is never going to add 50 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Your dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
Your dog's parents never visit.
And, addition to all that, anyone can get a good looking dog!
Friday, January 19, 2018
R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: ""I Want To Talk About Sex>"Sex."
When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one one of those too!"
Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like and stood there with a grin on his face.
"No. You don't understand," I tried to explain. "I've had Sex since I was nine years old!"
He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
"When I got married, and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He told me I didn't need a special room for sex, that he didn't care what we did as long as we paid our bill.'
"I tried to explain to him that the problem was that Sex kept me awake at night."
The clerk grinned and replied, "Funny, but I have that same problem!" But he assigned us an other room.
Next day I entered Sex in a show being held in town. But during his morning run he got loose and last seen was chasing a squirrel across a street full of traffic. I was left standing, undecided what to do. Another contestant asked me why I was looking so angry. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the show.
"Wow," he exclaims. If you sell tickets, you ought to clean up!"
"But you don;t understand," I added, "I want to have Sex on TV."
"I don't see you as the type," he replies. "Besides, that's no big deal anymore. They already have a lot of that on Cable."
My wife didn't understand all the time I spent with my dog so, eventually we seperated. We went to court, where I made sure to announce i wanted custody. I told the judge, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
"The court is not a confessional," he replied."Please stick to the facts of the case."
"But my wife didn't even care when Sex left me," I added. "When Sex left me again last night I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop stopped me and asked what I was doing in an alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I told him I was just looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
(This was reprinted by request in Dear Abby's column, but this slightly revised version is offered here for all you readers who missed it both times. I hope you're happy I've savored it for you!)
Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like and stood there with a grin on his face.
"No. You don't understand," I tried to explain. "I've had Sex since I was nine years old!"
He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid!"
"When I got married, and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He told me I didn't need a special room for sex, that he didn't care what we did as long as we paid our bill.'
"I tried to explain to him that the problem was that Sex kept me awake at night."
The clerk grinned and replied, "Funny, but I have that same problem!" But he assigned us an other room.
Next day I entered Sex in a show being held in town. But during his morning run he got loose and last seen was chasing a squirrel across a street full of traffic. I was left standing, undecided what to do. Another contestant asked me why I was looking so angry. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the show.
"Wow," he exclaims. If you sell tickets, you ought to clean up!"
"But you don;t understand," I added, "I want to have Sex on TV."
"I don't see you as the type," he replies. "Besides, that's no big deal anymore. They already have a lot of that on Cable."
My wife didn't understand all the time I spent with my dog so, eventually we seperated. We went to court, where I made sure to announce i wanted custody. I told the judge, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
"The court is not a confessional," he replied."Please stick to the facts of the case."
"But my wife didn't even care when Sex left me," I added. "When Sex left me again last night I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop stopped me and asked what I was doing in an alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I told him I was just looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
(This was reprinted by request in Dear Abby's column, but this slightly revised version is offered here for all you readers who missed it both times. I hope you're happy I've savored it for you!)
R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: "Best Joke I've Heard This Week:
A news photographer called the local airport on his cellphone to charter a flight to cover a hillside fire. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
On arrival, he spotted a plane warming up, hurried over to it, tossed his camera gear in and jumped in, slamming the door shut and yelling, "I'm set. Let's go."
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. With the wind blowing crosswise the ascent was a bit bumpy. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley in low passes" so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"So I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides. I'm a news photographer and we need some good shots for tonight's TV news."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally stammering, "So what you're telling me is that you're NOT my flight instructor?"
On arrival, he spotted a plane warming up, hurried over to it, tossed his camera gear in and jumped in, slamming the door shut and yelling, "I'm set. Let's go."
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. With the wind blowing crosswise the ascent was a bit bumpy. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley in low passes" so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"So I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides. I'm a news photographer and we need some good shots for tonight's TV news."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally stammering, "So what you're telling me is that you're NOT my flight instructor?"
Thursday, December 28, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's DOG DOGMA: Christmas Doesn't Have to Be "Just Another Day" For Our Dogs"
To show that most dog owners tend to share Christmas with their pets it has been discovered that 73% of pet owners have signed a greeting card from their dog.
So it is only logical that we, the dog's companion and helpmate, would be interested in any study of doggie noises as he tries to talk to us, right? Luckily, Japanese researchers analyzed many thousands of woofs, wails and growls to develop a gadget called the Bow Lingual, which translates a dog's utterances into one of 200 phrases on a hand-held monitor. I first saw it advertised in 2003, but have never seen it in any pet shop I've frequented, even though it was said to be in U.S. shops at that time (but never mentioned which shops or where).
This would be a handy gadget, though my companion is a Basenji and the breed doesn't bark. But, since mine is a not-apparent mix he does bark. He also sits and yodels on hearing any siren. He barks only to get his messages across and he is very good at it. As a watchdog he leaves nothing to an intruder's imagination with his challenge. When he wants into the house he sits in front of a window and barks once, short and sharp. If he wants attention, he stands directly in front of me, ears alert and stares expectantly into my face, and does it until I notice and ask him "What?" He will than go to the door, to go out, or the kitchen, for food, or the coat rack, which holds his collar and leash for daily walks. In short he has beaten this handicap of non-speech with logic and patience. Most dogs will do the same if we but pay attention. But it would still be nice to have one of those Bow Linguals!
Another item I've noted that might be handy, though the notice was only a U.S. Patent Office number (6871616). It was a combination leash and umbrella, for people who hate wet hair smell coming into the house.
Even handier might be the illustrated hard-cover book and accompanying CD, titled "Relaxation Music for Your Dog", composed by the japan School of Music Therapy. The CD features friendly frequencies designed to calm your dog; the book is filled with "adorable" dog photos and "memorable "quotes. (Dog Recreation Pack, The Music Sales Group, $14.95).
For those, like Daniel Keeton, who like to include their dog in the celebration, there is Dawg Grog, which Daniel, who works in Bend, Oregon's Boneyard Brewery, has concocted from spent grain and vegetable broth. It sells at the Visit Bend Store. Perhaps not so surprisingly this isn't the only dog grog being marketed. The other has been created by a Dutch pet shop owner who ljust wanted to have drinks with his Wleimeraner after hunts. But the date on the clipping where I saw it was January 2007, so you may have to Google it if you too want to drink with your dog.
If this pastime overlaps with football season, think about getting your dog a replica football stadium bed - $60 to $80. Much more comfortable than just curling up beside your easy chair. I don't know where they are sold, but I saw one in Sports Illustrated Magazine, Dec. 2014 issue.
Dog food companies have, for some years now, kept track of hotels and motels that welcome travelers with their pets. Just contact them for listings.
Just as handy to have would be a list of toxic plants for dogs. Contact aspco.org/toxic plants..
Pet-friendly airlines - Pet Airways, based in Delray Beach, Florida, and operating out of Washington, New York, Denver, Chicago and Los Angeles basically - likewise enjoined traveler-dog convenience. Seats have room for 50 dog and cat carriers, which are checked every 15 minutes by an attendant. Much better than shipping pets in cargo planes, where they could be exposed to temperature extremes, poor ventilation and rough handling! One-way fares vary from $150 to $400, depending upon dog size and destination. Google www.pet airways.com.
Of course you are going to give gifts to your dog too, so look at some niftys my dog has nosed with interest during shopping tours.
How about a Bubble Ball? It speaks to your dog as he plays with it. I have no idea what it says: "Easy,boy!", "Good hit, but put more spin on it", "Ten more mnutes of your exercise time remaining"? (Pet Querks for $8.99.)
Another talking item is eTag's digital Dog-e-Tag ($39.95 by phoning 866-364-3824). Get up to 40 lines of info on the e-Tag, like "Go home now!" or "Dinner time," or even "Get away from that hussy of a Poodle."
And then there is the Flying Squirrel, a squirrel your dog can finally catch! It's a squared-off furry Frisbee. Sells for $8.95 to $12.95 if your pet store has them.
So it is only logical that we, the dog's companion and helpmate, would be interested in any study of doggie noises as he tries to talk to us, right? Luckily, Japanese researchers analyzed many thousands of woofs, wails and growls to develop a gadget called the Bow Lingual, which translates a dog's utterances into one of 200 phrases on a hand-held monitor. I first saw it advertised in 2003, but have never seen it in any pet shop I've frequented, even though it was said to be in U.S. shops at that time (but never mentioned which shops or where).
This would be a handy gadget, though my companion is a Basenji and the breed doesn't bark. But, since mine is a not-apparent mix he does bark. He also sits and yodels on hearing any siren. He barks only to get his messages across and he is very good at it. As a watchdog he leaves nothing to an intruder's imagination with his challenge. When he wants into the house he sits in front of a window and barks once, short and sharp. If he wants attention, he stands directly in front of me, ears alert and stares expectantly into my face, and does it until I notice and ask him "What?" He will than go to the door, to go out, or the kitchen, for food, or the coat rack, which holds his collar and leash for daily walks. In short he has beaten this handicap of non-speech with logic and patience. Most dogs will do the same if we but pay attention. But it would still be nice to have one of those Bow Linguals!
Another item I've noted that might be handy, though the notice was only a U.S. Patent Office number (6871616). It was a combination leash and umbrella, for people who hate wet hair smell coming into the house.
Even handier might be the illustrated hard-cover book and accompanying CD, titled "Relaxation Music for Your Dog", composed by the japan School of Music Therapy. The CD features friendly frequencies designed to calm your dog; the book is filled with "adorable" dog photos and "memorable "quotes. (Dog Recreation Pack, The Music Sales Group, $14.95).
For those, like Daniel Keeton, who like to include their dog in the celebration, there is Dawg Grog, which Daniel, who works in Bend, Oregon's Boneyard Brewery, has concocted from spent grain and vegetable broth. It sells at the Visit Bend Store. Perhaps not so surprisingly this isn't the only dog grog being marketed. The other has been created by a Dutch pet shop owner who ljust wanted to have drinks with his Wleimeraner after hunts. But the date on the clipping where I saw it was January 2007, so you may have to Google it if you too want to drink with your dog.
If this pastime overlaps with football season, think about getting your dog a replica football stadium bed - $60 to $80. Much more comfortable than just curling up beside your easy chair. I don't know where they are sold, but I saw one in Sports Illustrated Magazine, Dec. 2014 issue.
Dog food companies have, for some years now, kept track of hotels and motels that welcome travelers with their pets. Just contact them for listings.
Just as handy to have would be a list of toxic plants for dogs. Contact aspco.org/toxic plants..
Pet-friendly airlines - Pet Airways, based in Delray Beach, Florida, and operating out of Washington, New York, Denver, Chicago and Los Angeles basically - likewise enjoined traveler-dog convenience. Seats have room for 50 dog and cat carriers, which are checked every 15 minutes by an attendant. Much better than shipping pets in cargo planes, where they could be exposed to temperature extremes, poor ventilation and rough handling! One-way fares vary from $150 to $400, depending upon dog size and destination. Google www.pet airways.com.
Of course you are going to give gifts to your dog too, so look at some niftys my dog has nosed with interest during shopping tours.
How about a Bubble Ball? It speaks to your dog as he plays with it. I have no idea what it says: "Easy,boy!", "Good hit, but put more spin on it", "Ten more mnutes of your exercise time remaining"? (Pet Querks for $8.99.)
Another talking item is eTag's digital Dog-e-Tag ($39.95 by phoning 866-364-3824). Get up to 40 lines of info on the e-Tag, like "Go home now!" or "Dinner time," or even "Get away from that hussy of a Poodle."
And then there is the Flying Squirrel, a squirrel your dog can finally catch! It's a squared-off furry Frisbee. Sells for $8.95 to $12.95 if your pet store has them.
Friday, December 15, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's DOG DOGMA: New Year's Resolutions I'm Suggesting to My Dog
I won't challenge the garbage collector any more. I've learned he is not stealing our stuff.
I will shake the snow off BEFORE entering the living room and jumping on the sofa.
I will no longer come into the bedroom, after outdoor ablutions are completed, and stick my cold nose under the covers on mistress's bare back.
I promise to cease playing tug-of-war with the master's underwear while he is on the toilet.
Nor will I play with the wash on the laundry line, no matter how evocatively the wind plays with it. (Though it beats me how the mistress can pass up such great fun,)
I will try to remember the sound of a can opener is not a call for me, and that my head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I must remember that kitty box crunchies are not food. They don't eliminate easily.
I promise not to eat the cat's food, either before or after they eat it.
And I'll remember that the diaper pail is not a water dish, nor a cookie jar.
I will stop being so particular and not use a clean place on the carpet whenever I have to throw up.
I will continue to inspect, but not roll on, dead fish we come across in our walks along the river.
I definitely will not throw up in the car. The master has threatened "NO more car rides!"
I will try to remember not to stand up while lying under the coffee table while mistress is pouring coffee for the ladies.
I'm going to stop barking every time there is a doorbell rung on the TV. I was finally told we don't have a doorbell.)
I will not roll my squeak toys under the daveno or the fridg. (The mistress doesn't clean under there very well so they don't taste good when I get them back.)
I will take time from my busy walks to smell the behinds.
I must not lick mistress's face after nosing pigeon poop.
I will cease chewing crayons. Last time the master thought I was hemorrhaging and was ready to take me to the vet.
While on a drive I will try not to drool along the side of the car when I have my head out the widow.
I won't ever again bite the officer's hand when he reaches into the car for mistress's driver's license and registration. Turns out mistress can be wrong on occasion!
I will shake the snow off BEFORE entering the living room and jumping on the sofa.
I will no longer come into the bedroom, after outdoor ablutions are completed, and stick my cold nose under the covers on mistress's bare back.
I promise to cease playing tug-of-war with the master's underwear while he is on the toilet.
Nor will I play with the wash on the laundry line, no matter how evocatively the wind plays with it. (Though it beats me how the mistress can pass up such great fun,)
I will try to remember the sound of a can opener is not a call for me, and that my head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I must remember that kitty box crunchies are not food. They don't eliminate easily.
I promise not to eat the cat's food, either before or after they eat it.
And I'll remember that the diaper pail is not a water dish, nor a cookie jar.
I will stop being so particular and not use a clean place on the carpet whenever I have to throw up.
I will continue to inspect, but not roll on, dead fish we come across in our walks along the river.
I definitely will not throw up in the car. The master has threatened "NO more car rides!"
I will try to remember not to stand up while lying under the coffee table while mistress is pouring coffee for the ladies.
I'm going to stop barking every time there is a doorbell rung on the TV. I was finally told we don't have a doorbell.)
I will not roll my squeak toys under the daveno or the fridg. (The mistress doesn't clean under there very well so they don't taste good when I get them back.)
I will take time from my busy walks to smell the behinds.
I must not lick mistress's face after nosing pigeon poop.
I will cease chewing crayons. Last time the master thought I was hemorrhaging and was ready to take me to the vet.
While on a drive I will try not to drool along the side of the car when I have my head out the widow.
I won't ever again bite the officer's hand when he reaches into the car for mistress's driver's license and registration. Turns out mistress can be wrong on occasion!
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