R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: "NEW PUNCTUATION MARKS WE NEED"

      It was Thrasymachus, in the third century B.C., who started using the period to indicate the end of a sentence. Before that people just kept writing until they stopped. But after that I can’t remember the last time a new punctuation mark was added to our comma, exclamation mark, et al. But it hasn’t been for lack of trying.
     Some years back a writer named Carl I. Huss made a stab at it in one of the writers’ magazines. It may have been written as wry humor rather than as a serious attempt at upgrading English punctuation, but the germ of an interesting idea is there. So here are the marks he proposed, seriously or not.
      First, the “deflation point”, which would be an inverted exclamation point, showing lack of enthusiasm, opposite of the exclamation point. Example: You ask the boss for a raise and he says, “I’ll think about it (insert deflation point).”
      Of course, the computer keyboard will need the new character inserted on it. If you remain one of the dwindling number of typewriter users, however, this character may be produced by typing a colon, backspacing and penning a vertical line through the bottom dot. For those few still writing letters and reports in cursive or hand- printing, of course, the deflation point could be used as soon as it is approved.
      Secondly, Huss offers the “never-mind” mark, which would look like a question mark with a comma at the bottom instead of a dot. (Computer users are screwed on this one also. Typewriters could make it by over-striking the question mark with the comma. Handwriters, again, no problem.)
      This mark is used for the gossip or other non-stop talker, who never pauses long enough for a conversational cut-in. Example: “I was talking to Minnie on the phone - you know Minnie (“never-mind” mark insertion) - and she said Ellen has a wild new hairdo - have you seen it yet - and that her husband said….” As you can see, it is a question, but doesn’t end the sentence. It’s sort of a mark replacing “etc”, giving the reader/listener a chance to stop listening/reading at the point where the writer/talker should have stopped.
      Speaking of “etc”, that may be the single most useless punctuation mark needing elimination. Basically it is a sign to make others think you know more than you do. Dropping it would, of course, necessitate a lot of thinking that is not done at present though.
      Buzzfeed.com on the Internet has come up with a variation on this “never mind“ mark, the “snark”. It looks like a svelt snaky question mark retaining the comma underneath. It gives a statement a second meaning, as irony or sarcasm. This snark mark may possibly be the most needed new mark of all.
      The “never mind” mark has been revised more recently, also at Buzzfeed.com, which offers the “exclamatory comma”, an exclamation point with a comma in place of the dot under it. It is used to show excitement in a comment but not to shut off further exclamation or other content. Not possible for typists, but a beautiful punctuation mark for handwriters.
       Another new mark is called the “colosemi”, a reversed semi-colon, with the comma part on top and the dot part on the bottom. Its use? Combining two unrelated sentences, like “We were watching TV (colosemi mark inserted) gee, Bert, are you getting bald?” NG on the computer, OK on typewriter by over-striking a colon with a single quotation mark, fine for handwriters.
       Writer Huss admitted he is “one of the saps” who never remember where to put the apostrophe in showing possession - Huss’, Huss’s or Husss’. So he invented the “sapostrophe”, which puts one in all three versions. It’s a thing of beauty, with an overline across all the s letters with apostrophes in the appropriate spots, thus: Huss’s’ss’.
      Buzzfeed.com also adds the “interrobang”, a combination of the question mark with a strikeover exclamation point. It combines an exclamation of wonderment, for instance, with a question (like wondering whether the statement is true or not). It’s sort of like texting OMGwtf?!
      My own addition would be the “end-of-argument” mark, a colon following the vertical slash mark (located above the left-to-right slash mark on the keyboard) thus |: . It would show the knowledge that an argument is not really over, that it is merely postponed for the present, rather like an argument with the wife or girlfriend.