R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: "NEW PUNCTUATION MARKS WE NEED"

      It was Thrasymachus, in the third century B.C., who started using the period to indicate the end of a sentence. Before that people just kept writing until they stopped. But after that I can’t remember the last time a new punctuation mark was added to our comma, exclamation mark, et al. But it hasn’t been for lack of trying.
     Some years back a writer named Carl I. Huss made a stab at it in one of the writers’ magazines. It may have been written as wry humor rather than as a serious attempt at upgrading English punctuation, but the germ of an interesting idea is there. So here are the marks he proposed, seriously or not.
      First, the “deflation point”, which would be an inverted exclamation point, showing lack of enthusiasm, opposite of the exclamation point. Example: You ask the boss for a raise and he says, “I’ll think about it (insert deflation point).”
      Of course, the computer keyboard will need the new character inserted on it. If you remain one of the dwindling number of typewriter users, however, this character may be produced by typing a colon, backspacing and penning a vertical line through the bottom dot. For those few still writing letters and reports in cursive or hand- printing, of course, the deflation point could be used as soon as it is approved.
      Secondly, Huss offers the “never-mind” mark, which would look like a question mark with a comma at the bottom instead of a dot. (Computer users are screwed on this one also. Typewriters could make it by over-striking the question mark with the comma. Handwriters, again, no problem.)
      This mark is used for the gossip or other non-stop talker, who never pauses long enough for a conversational cut-in. Example: “I was talking to Minnie on the phone - you know Minnie (“never-mind” mark insertion) - and she said Ellen has a wild new hairdo - have you seen it yet - and that her husband said….” As you can see, it is a question, but doesn’t end the sentence. It’s sort of a mark replacing “etc”, giving the reader/listener a chance to stop listening/reading at the point where the writer/talker should have stopped.
      Speaking of “etc”, that may be the single most useless punctuation mark needing elimination. Basically it is a sign to make others think you know more than you do. Dropping it would, of course, necessitate a lot of thinking that is not done at present though.
      Buzzfeed.com on the Internet has come up with a variation on this “never mind“ mark, the “snark”. It looks like a svelt snaky question mark retaining the comma underneath. It gives a statement a second meaning, as irony or sarcasm. This snark mark may possibly be the most needed new mark of all.
      The “never mind” mark has been revised more recently, also at Buzzfeed.com, which offers the “exclamatory comma”, an exclamation point with a comma in place of the dot under it. It is used to show excitement in a comment but not to shut off further exclamation or other content. Not possible for typists, but a beautiful punctuation mark for handwriters.
       Another new mark is called the “colosemi”, a reversed semi-colon, with the comma part on top and the dot part on the bottom. Its use? Combining two unrelated sentences, like “We were watching TV (colosemi mark inserted) gee, Bert, are you getting bald?” NG on the computer, OK on typewriter by over-striking a colon with a single quotation mark, fine for handwriters.
       Writer Huss admitted he is “one of the saps” who never remember where to put the apostrophe in showing possession - Huss’, Huss’s or Husss’. So he invented the “sapostrophe”, which puts one in all three versions. It’s a thing of beauty, with an overline across all the s letters with apostrophes in the appropriate spots, thus: Huss’s’ss’.
      Buzzfeed.com also adds the “interrobang”, a combination of the question mark with a strikeover exclamation point. It combines an exclamation of wonderment, for instance, with a question (like wondering whether the statement is true or not). It’s sort of like texting OMGwtf?!
      My own addition would be the “end-of-argument” mark, a colon following the vertical slash mark (located above the left-to-right slash mark on the keyboard) thus |: . It would show the knowledge that an argument is not really over, that it is merely postponed for the present, rather like an argument with the wife or girlfriend.

R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: 12 RELIGIONS WITH THE SAME PRIME THOUGHT: THE "GOLDEN RULE"

                   
      I was surprised to learn it was Frederick the Great, one of the most astute military minds in history, who said, “All religions must be tolerated, for every man must get to heaven in his own way.”
      Yet, when we study religion, we wonder how people - living within other religions than ours - can do some of the things they do. Until we know more about these other religions, and the people who follow them, though, how can we know they don’t believe basically as we do, just with different interpretations?
      Are we looking at the road others are taking, rather than at the destination?  Maybe we need to take a look at the religion in our diverse religions. Perhaps if all religions could be brought together to discuss a common goal, differences could be lessened.
      A start might be made by realizing that the 12 major religions in the world today all have a guiding tenet that presents an amazing parallelism. It was first introduced to me from a now forgotten philosophy textbook used in 1948 at Washington State College (now University). An article in it, titled “A Sheaf of Golden Rules from Twelve Religions”, impressed me enough so I copied and filed it for periodic reference through intervening years. The piece had no listed author, though the book was authored by Ross Hoople, Raymond Piper and William Tolley of Syracuse University.
      We know the Christian religion is summed up in the Golden Rule: “All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so unto them: for this is the law and the prophets.” Our surprise, however, is that each of these other 11 major religions all have a similar “law” in their teachings. Here they are.

Baha’i: “If thou lookest toward justice, choose thou for others what thou choosest for thyself. Blessed is he who prefers his brother before himself.”

Buddhism: “In five ways should a clansman minister to his friends and familiars: by generosity, courtesy, and benevolence, by treating them as he treats himself, and by being as good as his word.”

Confucianism: “Is there one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one’s life? The Master said, ‘Is not Reciprocity (Sympathy, Consideration) such a word? What do you not want done to yourself, do not do to others‘.”

Hebrewism: “Thou shalt love they neighbor as thyself.”

Hinduism: “This is the high religion which wise men esteem: the lifegiving breaths of other creatures are as dear to them as the breaths of one’s self. Men gifted with intelligence and purified souls should always treat others as they themselves wish to be treated.”

Islamism: “No one of you is a believer until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

Jainism: “Indifferent to worldly objects, a man should wander about treating all creatures in the world as he himself would be treated.”

Sikhism: “As thou deemest thyself, so deem others; then thou shalt become a partner in Heaven.”

Taoism: “Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and regard your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.”

Tenrikyo Shintoism: “Irrespective of their nationality, language, manners and culture, men should give mutual aid, and enjoy reciprocal, peaceful pleasure by showing in their conduct that they are brethren.”

Zoroastrianism: “Him who is less than thee consider as an equal, and an equal as a superior, and a greater than him as a chieftain.”

      Interesting, isn’t it, that the 12 main religions of the world have one thought uppermost? Couldn’t that be a great starting point for world peace?
###

R. Loeffelbein's Whatchama Column: Real Designer of America's Flag

Capt. Samuel Chester Reid,
The Real Designer of Our Present-Day “Stars & Stripes”

By Robert L. Loeffelbein

The most protected myth in the United States is that Betsy Ross designed and sewed the first American Stars & Stripes flag.
A 2008 survey noted persons over 45 years of age had listed Betsy as one of our top ten historically important persons because of this belief. That shows how publicity and the passing on of incorrect information can distort history.
Philadelphia, where her former home has been heavily commercialized as the site of the sewing, has built a large tourist trade on that early, and still common, belief. They aren’t going to give that up, but it is quite well documented as untrue by records in the Smithsonian Institution, as recorded in The United States Flagbook: Everything About ‘Old Glory’ (McFarland 1996). That book, used by Smithsonian researchers there in flag reference queries, is backed up by Smithsonian files as well as notation in A Dictionary of American Biography, as edited by Dumas Malone for the American Council of Learned Societies (1943).
Elizabeth “Betsy” (Griscom) Ross and her descendants - she lived to age 84 and was married three times - were upholsterers-turned-flag makers until 1858, but she did not originate the design or color scheme for the Star-Spangled Banner, nor did she sew it. Smithsonian records show she did make and receive pay for some ships’ flags for Pennsylvania’s Navy, and it may have been the order for these that was mistaken for the request for an ensign.
According to some of her descendents, Betsy did claim to have originated the United States flag. A paper read to the Pennsylvania Historical Society on March 14, 1870 by William J. Canby, Betsy’s grandson, claimed that George Washington, George Morris and George Ross came to Betsy in June 1776, showed her a design and asked her to make it up. He said she did and the flag was taken to the state house and adopted by Congress as the flag of the United States.
Canby said the paper had been dictated to him in 1856 by his aunt, Betsy’s  daughter, who said her mother had told her the story many times. Yet actual records contradict the paper’s account.
This popular misconception was perpetuated by the United States Postal Service by issuing a 1952 stamp commemorating the 20th anniversary of Betsy Ross’s birth, picturing her showing a stars-and-stripes flag to the committee of three who supposedly contacted her to do the job.
The flag-making company of Annin of New Jersey also contributed to the myth, from time to time, by presenting a Betsy Ross Award to individuals who furthered the cause of patriotism.
A different flag-making story which saw print, though without proof, described how some girls of Portsmouth, New Hampshire, made a Stars & Stripes from ballroom gowns for John Paul Jones in July 1777. This flag was supposed to have gone down with his ship, the Bon Homme Richard.
Some experts still admit the possibility that Francis Hopkinson, a New Jersey judge and signer of the Declaration of Independence who served two years as chairman of the Navy Board, might have had something to do with the design of the flag. He was a noted draftsman as well as an acknowledged expert on heraldry.
A letter is on file from him to the Admiralty Board suggesting payment of nine pounds for his work “designing sundry seals and devices, also the Flag of the United States”. But his request was denied. Members of Congress seem not to have been convinced he had been the sole designer of all the things he claimed, including some issues of paper money.
Flag Day Commemorates Design
On June 14, 1777 (which present-day Flag Day commemorates) the Marine Committee of the Second Continental Congress offered a resolution, duly adopted, “that the flag of the United States be thirteen stripes, alternate red and white, that the union be thirteen stars, white in a blue field, representing a new constellation”. No specific pattern for the stars was stated. Who suggested this design, however, is not definitely known.
One story that lingers on is that it was taken from a new coat of arms of the Washington family. That is doubtful and unproven.
When two new states were brought into the Union in 1795 two new stars and stripes were added to the flag. It was this 15-starred and striped flag that was made by Mary Pickersgill in Baltimore’s Flag House and flew over Fort McHenry to become Francis Scott Key’s inspiration for the American national anthem.
By 1816, with more new states already accepted and others clamoring to be admitted, it was decided the flag would become unwieldy by adding a star and a stripe for each new state. In 1818 New York Representative Peter Wendover consulted Reid and Congress turned to the newest American hero, Captain Samuel Chester Reid, who had staged one of the most heroic defenses of the flag’s honor in history, to come up with a workable lasting design.
He and his wife made up a model, returning the original thirteen stripes, for the thirteen original states, with a blue field to which a new star could be added for each new state, with the stars in parallel rows for military use and arranged in one great star for other purposes. Congress approved the design and President James Monroe signed the act making the flag official as of April 4, 1818. A flag made by Mrs. Reid was hoisted on the Capitol eight days later with the president in attendance..
Captain Reid’s story is well documented. It was recognized by Congressional Committee (House Report 160, 35 Congress, 1 Session, Feb. 5, 1859), retold by James Poling in a national newspaper supplement some years ago under the title “He Designed Our Flag” and mentioned also in a biography of Reid in A Dictionary of American Biography.
Reid’s Act of Heroism
Reid’s act of heroism took place toward the end of the War of 1812 when he sailed the 246-ton privateer General Armstrong into Fayal, a neutral port in the Portuguese Azores. While taking on water, three British warships under the command of Commodore Edward Lloyd, entered Fayal en route to join forces concentrating at Jamaica against New Orleans.
Reid started moving his ship in under the Portuguese fort’s protection about seven in the evening, but found four armed boats approaching from the Carnation with the evident purpose of  making a surprise capture. Reid challenged, they continued, so he fired into them. The British suffered about 20 casualties while Reid lost just one man and had his Lieutenant wounded.
The Portuguese port governor sent a warning to the British, but they ignored it and attacked again near midnight with 12 to 14 boats, holding some 400 men. Reid and his 90 men, with nine mounted guns, drove a boarding party off in fierce hand-to-hand skirmishing, killing 120 British sailors and wounding 130 more. Reid’s crew suffered only two fatalities and seven other injuries.
Next day at daylight, the 18-gun Carnation  commenced a cannonade broadside but, within ten minutes, was so badly damaged by exacting fire from Reid’s “Long Tom” 42-pounder it was forced to retire.
But, when the other two warships - the 74-gun Plantagenet and 38-gun Rota - attacked, Reid realized he stood no chance. He ordered his men ashore and scuttled his ship, which was burned by the enemy.
When the British commodore notified Reid he and his crew would be taken prisoners, Reid ordered a defensive stand in an abandoned convent. But next day, in an unprecedented and unexpected move, a group of British officers invited Reid to the British consulate and honored him with cheers and toasts. The British remained in port for ship repairs and burying their dead. The Commodore insisted on examining the American force for British deserters, but otherwise left them unmolested.
As it turned out, the delay caused by Reid here ultimately greatly aided General Jackson’s defense of New Orleans.
Back home after the war Reid was showered with accolades, among them the equivalent of a pension by appointment as sailing master in the Navy on July 3, 1843, a sword from the New York legislature, a silver service from the New York merchants, and the honor of designing the new flag.
Reid Biography
Reid was born August 25, 1783 in Norwich, CT, son of Lieutenant John Reid, a former British naval officer and member of a distinguished Glasgow family, who resigned his commission to join the cause of the American Revolution after being captured. He remained in the U.S. after marrying Rebecca Chester of Norwich.
Young Samuel went to sea at age 11, was captured by a French privateer and imprisoned for six months at Bassel-Terre, Guadaloupe, then served as acting midshipman on the USS Baltimore in the West Indies for a year. At age 20 he was master of the brig Merchant out of New York and later became master of the privateer General Armstrong when it left New York on September 9, 1814. On September 26 he reached the Azores, site of his historic battle.
Reid, Sr., had married Mary, daughter of Captain Nathan Jennings of Fairfield, CT, June 8, 1813, and they ultimately had eight children, including Samuel Chester, Jr., whose name was first known to the public in connection with the publication of an account of his experiences during the Mexican War under the title The Scouting Expeditions of McCulloch’s Texas Rangers (1847). During his last years he wrote a history of his father’s career.
Reid, Sr., served as harbor master in New York for many years and was noted for working to improve pilot boat service, securing a lightship off Sandy Hook and publishing a signal code for American vessels. In 1826 he also devised and demonstrated a system whereby messages could be sent from New York to New Orleans in just two hours, though a bill for his system’s adoption was killed by the advent of electric telegraphy.
Reid, Sr., died at his home near Franklin Square, New York City, January 28, 1861 and is buried in Lot 13108, Section 172, at Green-Wood Cemetery, Fifth Avenue at 25th Street, Brooklyn, NY. A memorial was placed at the grave site after Representative Francis E. Dorn (Brooklyn, NY) drafted a bill to Congress to provide it.

(Source: The United States Flag Book: Everything About "Old Glory" by Robert L. Loeffelbein.,McFarland Press, 1996)

R. Loeffelben's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Zodiac Signs of American Indians

     Animals are an important part of Native American culture. We’ll focus primarily on the animals most closely associated with birth months - in other words, the zodiac of Native American tribes. similar to the Greek horoscopes in ordinary use today. Native American tribes held the belief that the time of year a person is born into will directly affect a person’s personal characteristics.

     Here is a list, by month, of the animals and their traits (thanks to the Internet)..

January 20th through February 18th - The Otter

Different thinking and independent, for most people, the Otter is seldom easy to understand. The Otter does things in an unconventional way. As a result of this, the way the Otter does things is not typically the first selected method. This is unfortunate as the Otter’s unconventional methods can oftentimes be exceptionally adequate.

While unusual in its viewpoint, the Otter is typically gifted with a unique way of seeing things that are imaginative and intelligent. As a result, the Otter often sees solutions that no one else sees thanks to his/her intuitive and perceptive imagination. If you are looking for a friend, look no further than someone born under the sign of the Otter. Otters pay great attention, are very supportive, understanding, brave, and truthful. The Otter, under some circumstances, can also be lewd, a real rebel, a loner, and unscrupulous.

February 19th through March 20th – The Wolf

Passion and emotion are the hallmarks of the Wolf. The Native American sign that is most attuned to the heart and philosophy, the Wolf understands the emotional needs of everyone around him/her and is perfectly willing to provide love. Conversely, the Wolf is the most independent of the Native American signs, which contrasts with his/her ability to love.

Seeking true independence, yet being able to provide love and gentle acceptance, this sign exudes a sensation of “The Lone Wolf”. When it comes to nurture, the Wolf is full of passion, willing to give, deeply loving, and most of all gentle. The Wolf, under some circumstances, can be adamant, obsessive, have a ruthless streak, and somewhat impractical.

March 21st through April 19th - The Falcon

Naturally inclined to leadership, the Falcon always has a sharp mind when it comes to making decisions in tense situations. Always pragmatic, this member of the Native American zodiac isn’t inclined to wasting time and always stays on target.

Keeping on task is the hallmark of the Falcon. Keenly suited for team sports, the Falcon always tends to seize on any opportunity. The Falcon also always tends to voice their opinions stridently, and as a result, can come off as a bit of a braggart – although the Falcon quite often right in. No sign in the Native American cycle is as fiery as the Falcon. Under certain circumstances Falcons lack patience, can be rude and come across as being vain and touchy.

April 20th through May 20th – The Beaver

The beaver loves being in charge but is also flexible and can adapt to any situation easily. Ever businesslike, the way of the Beaver is efficiency tempered with an almost nonchalant air. Using these traits, the job typically gets done. If you are born under this sign, you are a cunning individual who should never be underestimated. As a Beaver, you’re sharp thinking and bright.

If you are born under this sign, you’ve got it going for you. Unfortunately, a Beaver is also inclined to stubbornness when it comes to what they view as the proper procedure. Though typically right in these circumstances, a beaver could benefit with a little more tact. Under the right circumstances, Beavers can be loyal, compassionate, helpful and generous. Adversely, Beavers can also be cowardly, nervous, stubborn, and a tad possessive.

May 21st through June 20th – The Deer

The deer in Native American mythology represents the creative influence. Witty and inspiring, the Deer also has a great sense of humor and can make almost anyone laugh. Always willing to converse, if you fall under the sign of the Deer then you are a great talker.

As a Deer, you are amazingly affable and oftentimes the life of the party. Environmental awareness is also a key trait of a Deer, and typically those born under this sign are very fastidious when it comes to personal appearance. Somewhat conceited, the Deer can be a bit self-absorbed. This is usually forgiven because he/she is typically so easy to get along with.

Thanks to the inclination to be lively, the Deer can be a great inspiring member in any relationship, and tends to lean towards a nurturing personality. The Deer, under certain circumstances, can be a bit moody, lazy, or even seem to have double standards. 

June 21st through July 21st – The Woodpecker

The Woodpecker is the nurterer and always having an open ear. People born under this sign are very empathetic and understanding. No other sign is as supportive.

Woodpeckers are amazing parents and also make for great friends and business partners. Woodpeckers can sometimes be a little frugal but you can rely on them blindly because they tend to be very organized. As the most nurturing on this list, you can expect Woodpeckers to be deeply dedicated, caring, and inclined to romance. Beware, though: As Woodpeckers can also be jealous, prone to anger, and very possessive.

July 22nd through August 21st – The Salmon

Creativity is your calling card if you are born under the sign of the salmon. Salmons are also expressly focused, prone to intuitiveness, and amazingly energetic. As a Salmon, you are very confident and love to motivate. Your enthusiasm is also almost entirely un-curbable, and it’s also very infectious. People tend to go along with the Salmon very easily, even when the scheme seems doomed to fail.

As a Salmon, you have many friends thanks to your intelligent, intuitive, and generous nature. Driven by a need for purpose and goal achievement, you’ll have no problems finding compatriots for the quests you undertake. In relationships, Salmon are giving, calm, stable, and sensual. Under certain circumstances, however, the Salmon can also be vulgar, egocentric, and biased.

August 22nd through September 21st – The Bear

Pragmatism is the calling card of the stoic Bear. Friends know to call on you when a level head and a steady arm are needed for almost anything. Practicality is another trait of those who are born under this sign, and thus, Bears, who also can be generous and giving, tend to pair well with those born under the sign of the Owl.

Humility also tends to be the style of the Bear, and sometimes those born under this sign can tend to be very shy. In most situations, Bears tend to provide nearly unconditional love and generosity to those around them, all while maintaining patience and temperance. Bears are great in an educational setting, as their patience transfers well to those they are teaching. Under some circumstances, Bears can also be skeptics, lazy, and reserved.

September 22nd through October 22nd – The Raven

Another enthusiastic sign, the Raven tends towards a natural proclivity towards entrepreneurship and charm. As a Raven, you possess a type of easy energy that everyone relies on when it comes to your ideas.

As a Raven’s you are quite the idealist but also calculating at the same time. Under positive circumstances, the Raven is very easy going, romantic, and almost invariably soft-spoken. In relationships, the Raven is intuitive and patient. In some circumstances, the Raven can also come across as selfish, vindictive, inconsistent, and can rub people the wrong way.

October 23rd through November 22nd – The Snake

Closely tied to the world of the spirit, the Snake is the traditional sign of the shaman. Its link to the spiritual world is why those born under this sign are so easily attuned to the ethereal. Healing comes very naturally for the Snake, so if you are born under this Native American sign you can expect to excel in the medical field. As a result of your natural spiritual link, people might find that you have a sometimes mysterious or even frightening bearing.

There is a bit of an inclination to secrecy and darkness in the Snake, but those born under this sign can also be very caring and sensitive. In positive situations, the Snake can be humorous, helpful and inspiring. In adverse situations, you can expect despondency, volatility, or even violence.

November 23rd through December 21st – The Owl

The Native American horoscope has no other sign as mutable as the Owl. As a rule, this sign is one of the most adaptive. Easy going, natural, and warm, the Owl is friendly to all. If you fall under this sign, you grab life by the horns and have a love for exploring and adventure.

This can naturally be dangerous as the Owl can also be careless, prone to recklessness, and inconsiderate. Those born under this sign do great in the fields of teaching, art, and conservation, and due to his/her mutability, almost any other vocation. In positive relationships, an Owl has a zealous personality but also tends to be sensitive and is a great listener. In difficult situations, the Owl tends to come across as aggressive, somewhat bitter, and almost invariably overindulgent.

December 22nd through January 19th – The Goose

Perseverance and doggedness are the hallmarks of this sign. If you are born under this Native American animal symbol, friends know to reach out to you when something needs to be done. For a Goose, ambition is also one of their key defining characteristics and the Goose typically achieves his/her ambitions succinctly. This drive to succeed comes from the spirit; no external force pushes the Goose to achieve.

Drive and perseverance are what keeps the Goose moving. As a Goose, you excel in professional and physical pursuits. There is no stopping you especially when you know that your family and friends have your back.

When in a positive relationship, the Goose can be affable, passionate, and sensual. In adverse situations, a Goose can easily succumb to addiction or be obsessive, which is typically the downfall of those who fall under this sign.

R.Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Candid Cameos

    
 Back in the 1940s most universities of any size sponsored their own humor magazines, published through the efforts of student staffs. These were pretty much published for in-house sale - students, staff, friends, relatives and, if good enough, for
other universities’ humor magazines’ staffers to plagiarize.
 Recently, in a file cleaning out (my four four-drawer files extends back to those days when I was an aspiring journalism major), I unearthed the notebook holding this compilation of amateurish “poetry”. And I found these simple rhymes worth a few smiles. Especially several that showed things aren’t always as they seem. I love surprise endings and I thought you readers might too.

FRUSTRATION
 “Help,” the old maid hollered,
 As, at the door, she struck.
 “A man is breaking in my house
 But, oh, the lock is stuck!”

     Back in the 1940s most universities of any size sponsored their own humor magazines, published through the efforts of student staffs. These were pretty much published for in-house sale - students, staff, friends, relatives and, if good enough, for other universities’ humor magazines’ staffers to plagiarize.
     Recently, in a file cleaning out (my four four-drawer files extends back to those days when I was an aspiring journalism major), I unearthed the notebook holding this compilation of amateurish “poetry”. And I found these simple rhymes worth a few smiles. Especially several that showed things aren’t always as they seem. I love surprise endings.

FRUSTRATION
 “Help,” the old maid hollered,
 As, at the door, she struck.
 “A man is breaking in my house
 But, oh, the lock is stuck!”

A BOY’S FIRST LOVE
 He felt her tremble
 As he pressed his lips to hers.
 She buried her face in his shoulder
 Then raised her eyes to his.
 His arms were unsteady
 Around her trembling shoulders.

 Their world was shaken to its foundations;
 She saw his firm jaw loosen and twitch.
 A convulsive shudder passed over her.
 “Darn it,” she said, “Why don’t you turn off your motor?
 “This rattletrap is shaking my teeth out!”

TEASER
 She leaned forward,
 Her brown eyes pleading,
 Her carmine lips upturned,
 Her cheeks tinged with pink…
 Pursed and small!
 Her throat was white and soft,
 Her arms extended --
  Boy, what a magazine cover!

THE PERFECT WOMAN
 She doesn’t drink;
 She never smokes;
 She never even spends
  Her quarters on Cokes!

 She doesn’t like
 To stay out late;
 She’d rather sleep
  Than have a date!

 She doesn’t neck;
 She doesn’t pet;
 In fact, she doesn’t even
  Walk as yet!

PAST PERFECT
 The moon was yellow, and the lane was bright
 As she turned to me, in the autumn night.
 And every gesture and every glance
 Gave me a hint that she craved romance.
 I stammered, I stuttered, and time went by
 For the moon was yellow, and so was I!

NO DRILL
 He tilted
 Her lovely head
 Towards him
 And bent over
 Her expectant mouth.

 He gazed intently
 At her for a moment,
 Then said softly,
 “I’m going to have to
 Pull that tooth!”

MOONSTRUCK:
 Jack and Jill went up a hill
 Upon a moonlight ride.
 When Jack came back
 One eye was black.
 His pal, you see, had lied!

AIN’T THAT JUST LIKE A WOMAN?
 She took my hand in sheltered nooks;
 She took my candy and my books;
 She took that lustrous wrap of fur;
 She took those gloves I bought for her.

 She took my words of love and care;
 She took my flowers rich and rare;
 She took my time for quite a while;
 She took my kisses with a smile.

 She took, I must confess, my eye,
 And took whatever I might buy,
 Then she took (sigh)
                           Another guy!

MAY I?
 Here I sit and fuss and fret
 While my seat is getting wet.
 It’s enough to make me fume --
 “Teacher, can’t I leave the room?”

 Why delay me when you know
 That I simply have to go?
 “Really, teacher, I’m not feigning.
 My car top is down and it is raining!”

SKIN DEEP
 She’s a pretty little wench,
 Sitting there upon the bench
  Looking very coy and shy
  At every passing college guy.
 Such titillating eyes,
 Concentric thighs…
  It’s too darn bad
  She’s bald!

MORE FRUSTRATION
 When you started reading this
 You thought it
 Was a poem.
 By now you see
 You were quite mistaken.
 But, isn’t it funny
 How people will continue
 To read something
 Even when they know
 They’re being fooled?
  

 

                                                                                                 

R. LOEFFELBEIN'S "Whatchama Column: TEXTING SHORTHAND

     Hip keyboarders were quick to adopt the little quasi-figurines that signified a smile :- ) or a frown :- ( along with the other computer-shorthand emoticon inventions. Then came the smaller accessory keyboards and texting was born, probably dooming the English language within the eventual future with wholesale  reinventions of  dictionary spellings.
     As an English/Journalism major, I’ve been appalled.  It takes an entirely new mind-set to switch from accepted dictionary nomenclature to texting shorthand. Textings I’ve seen  from my family’s younger generations looked like code to me. In time, I suppose, someone will come out with a new texting dictionary that will help us elders convert, though how it will be paginated and indexed I can’t imagine.
     Once one gets into the swing of the thing it becomes sort of fun, like working word puzzles, to see how easily the English language can be subverted and still understood. I think I have plumbed the possibilities and invented some new conversational gambits myself. See if the following work for you.

HuU?             Asking a correspondent to identify him/herself.
?U                  Really hip “who you?“ identity query.
HuU, Roy?    Asking correspondent if he is Roy (or whoever‘s name you think it is).
C or Si           Answering confirmation (English and Mexican versions).
_-                   Step up (Start conversing.)
>I<                 My ears are open (I‘m listening).
>I?<                I haven’t heard anything about that.
:-X                  Speak no evil.
;-X                  Winking at gossip or evil.
>X<                I’ve heard no evil.
>IX<               I don’t want to hear anything bad.
Zs                    Boring.
zUz                 You are being boring.
(O)                  That’s a big nothing of interest.
?I?                   Am I crazy?
(?I?)                Am I out of the circle?
?U?                 Are you crazy?
(_X_)               Kiss my you-know-what.
(_vv_)              Bite me.  (Vampire teeth marks.)
$ @ )               Put your money where your mouth is.
I2                     I too, as in “I agree.”
U2?                  Do you agree too?
Y0?                  Why not? (Y + a nought)
(_zz_)               I’m butt tired.
30                     Newspaperese for signing off or the end.

 If you are just getting acquainted with a new correspondent and need to describe yourself, maybe these newly innovated “textures” will help.

(*!*)           Starry eyes.
(Z!Z)          Bedroom eyes.
(-!-)            Have a squint.
(0!0)           Wear glasses.
(00!00)       Bad eyesight.
|0|               Long haired.
;0;               Like to wear earrings.
M&M        Twin
MW           Twins, mirror images.
<L              Left handed.
R>              Right handed.
.)(.              Knock-kneed or Virgin.
.( ).             Bowlegged or non-virgin.
(_|_)           Fat butt.
Dwb           Dweeb.