Don't Leave Home On St. Pat's Day Without Something Green, Like Take Out the Christmas Tree

Loeffelbein - Now there’s a good old Irish name for you!
Just kidding, of course. Nonetheless, I still conform to the wearin’ of the green on St. Patrick’s Day, along with the 33.7 million residents of the U.S. claiming Irish ancestry. Anyone who doesn’t wear it is asked by everyone he meets where his green is, anyhow, so I’ve found it’s just easier to go with the flow.
It is not just Ireland and the U.S. celebrating any more. Some 147 countries now have St. Patrick festivals, including Sri Lanka, Japan and Indonesia, according to a report from Ireland’s Guinness brewery. In Ireland, however, March 17 historically was a religious holiday, as big as Christmas.
Of course, I won’t be alone. Thousands of  pseudo-Irish across the country will celebrate the day with green everything everywhere. Some of the places people find to put it, in fact, amazes and amuses me.
One of my own early remembrances, as a just-turned teenager, was of a local department store in my home town of Wenatchee, Washington, advertising an all-green lingerie style show “for men only”. The idea, of course, was for male attendees to purchase this exotic fare for wives and sweethearts. They were ahead of their time and even  of Victoria’s Secret”.
Naturally, I yearned to attend, even though I had no one to buy such garments for, even if I could have recognized any of their uses and had had the money. Now I see it as a quirk of nature that, when I was old enough to attend such a skin-show, I had much less inclination to do so.
Today, it seems, everyone gets cute for St. Pat’s Day, especially pubs and restaurants. Whereas the archetypal joke about Irish eating is “a seven course Irish dinner consisting of  a six-pack and a boiled potato”, it is just a joke. But while living in southern California some years back, I noticed some pretty unusual dining ads.
*The Wan-Q restaurant along Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles was serving “Cant O’Nese” food, with typical Irish music such as “Lovely Houlihans”.
* Andre’s in Beverly Hills went Gaelic, featuring “Paddy de foie gras”.
* Dorando’s in Hollywood, noted for its Italian cuisine, went with “Mac O’Roney” on its menu.
* One of the Irish bars (I’ve forgotten the name) gave out small shamrock lapel pins to customers.
* A truck stop near Barstow, CA, featured “Shamrock soup”, which turned out to have a lot of peas in it.
* A malt shop near Richland, WA, was serving Kelly green water, coffee made with green water and even had corned beef and cabbage as the day’s special, with green lemon pie for dessert.
Some years later the Cincinnati Reds baseball team, playing on St. Pat’s Day,  sported green uniforms with shamrocks on their sleeves, in place of their usual predominantly red glad-rags. Publicity reported they would wear the green whenever they played again on St. Pat’s Day.
I also remember there was a dentist named Peter Sweeney in Hollywood who made it a point to announce he was using green mouthwash on St. Pat’s Day. And I read about Warren Weber, who owned car washes in Manchester and Wetherfield, CT, who advertised that his establishments would wash all green cars free from 8 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. At closing time he dazedly tallied the day’s score - 1,600 green cars, at a $3,000 loss. He said he wasn’t going to do that anymore.
Such green enhancements were small potatoes compared to what has gone on in cities with concentration of Irish citizenry. Perhaps the largest concentration is in New York City, where they hold athe oldest and biggest St. Pat’s annual parade. It was either first held in 1762, we are told, though some claim it occurred even earlier, in 1664. It has grown to a six-hour spectacle with more than 125,000 green-clad paraders making the two and a half-mile shamrock shamble.
Some people of Irish persuasion, especially among the older generations, never miss it. One year, so the story goes, one elderly gent, originally hailing from County Cork in auld Erin, was convalescing after a long illness. But, when he heard the parade passing, he rose from his wheelchair wearing only his nightshirt and raced downstairs. On the way he wrenched a luxuriantly green potted palm in the lobby up by its roots, hoisted it to his shoulder and, so decorated, joined the throng following the green stripe painted down the avenue for the parade route.
The next largest annual celebration is probably in Chicago There they usually commemorate the day by dumping 100 pounds of vegetable dye into the Chicago River so it runs bright green. Their parade has included as many as 185 bands. Led by the Police Emerald Society Pipe Band, it has included as many as 38 bagpipe bands. once claimed as the largest congregation of pipers ever assembled.
Novelty dealers do huge curbside business purveying green tam-o-shanters, T-shirts which query “Where’s the beer?” or “Kiss me, I’m Irish”, and green-sheen flowers (of any color originally, until soaked in green dye overnight).
The day is a triple cause for celebration in Boston, where even the Irish remember it was on March 17, 1776 that General George Washington drove the British from Boston. “St. Patrick” was the password during that operation. But before that even, in 1737, Boston held the first St. Patrick’s celebration, not Ireland.
Seattle also has an annual parade, but the celebration became so popular it was stretched into an Irish Festival Week. The only thing that sticks out in my memory, making it different from other celebrations, was that it was capped with a soda bread baking competition. That’s an acquired Irish taste.
Citizens of Neill, NE, - dubbed Nebraska’s Irish Capital - paint shamrocks at street intersections to guide paraders. Sometimes they have to get out shovel brigades first to clear the snow. Then three-quarters of the town’s 4,000 population has still been known to attend.
Checking in on towns named Shamrock, we find the one in Texas draws as many as 4,000 revelers into town for its mini Mardi-Gra, with themes like “An Irish Salute to Texas”. Another in Oklahoma, population only 225 without the economy for any big blowout, usually settles for painting its biggest rock green.
Residents of Dublin, OH, got to make free international phone calls, including to their sister city in Ireland, while Cable TV’s Nick-at-Night, a few years back, re-ran four episodes of  “My Three Sons”, all tinted green.
In Vancouver, WA, the Irish flag has been raised at the Clark County Courthouse since 1936. This was a tradition started by noted pioneer resident Denny Lane and carried on by his descendents. They follow this with a traditional Irish feast and liberal toasting, music and jigging.
The only tradition I liked better was that of Frederick, MD. They don’t parade there, but instead “pub walk”, promenading from one end of Patrick and Market Streets to the other end from 3 p.m. to closing or to the end of  mass bladder control.
So it is, ideas have ranged from miniscule to magnificent, from the ridiculous to the nearly sublime. And this St. Pat’s Day we should expect nothing less.
Meanwhile to Irishmen everywhere:
May you always have
A sunbeam to warm you,
Good luck to charm you.
And a sheltering angel so nothing can harm you;
Laughter to cheer you,
Faithful friends near you,
And whatever you pray, heaven to hear you.
Happy ST. Patrick’s Day.


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ROADSIDE HUMOR FROM YESTERYEAR

     For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our roadside history of the 1930's and '40's.

     Before there were interstate highways everyone drove on old 2-lane roads. Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields - five small red signs, with white letters, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet. The obligatory 5th sign advertised Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream that came in a half-pound jar and cost a half dollar. (The only company with more sales was Barbisol.) 
     The job, managed by John Kammerrer, kept eight trucks and 38 employees busy posting the signs from one side of the country to the other, then repeating annually.
     Once the company advertised a 'Trip to Mars" for the person collecting the most Burma Shave jars. "Frenchie" French collected 900 and won the trip - to Mars, a town in Germany.

     The company held contests annually and paid $100 for the best roadside humor couplets accepted. The Rev. Ewing A. Beard wrote the most jingles. 

    

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.

Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP.

Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE.

Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT.

Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING.

Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE.

Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER.

Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT.

Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE.

Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?

Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU.

Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'.

Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY.

Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING.

Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.

Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW.
Burma Shave

When the stork
Delivers a boy
The whole darn place
Jumps for joy!
Burma Shave

If you have
A double chin
You have two good reasons
To begin using
Burma Shave

If these bring back old memories

then you're old as dirt..LIKE ME!

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MINDLESS MEANDERINGS

     If you are at all a curious person, you probably have, at one time or another, had some vapid thoughts caught in flight, like these:

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Isn't a budget nothing more than a method for going broke methodically?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would that be considered a hostage situation?

How do you "draw a blank"?

Is there another word for "thesaurus"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? And shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

And why do "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing?

Is there an implied time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

A nature show related that the bull moose with the smaller antlers will always concede to the moose with larger antlers in competition for a lady moose's affection. How does the moose with the smaller antlers know his are smaller?

Why doesn't a deodorant wipe itself out?

Time is measured backwards from B.C (birth of Christ), then forward thereafter as A.D. Would clocks B.C.(if they had them then) have run backwards?

In the 85 years of the existence of Yankee Stadium how deep would the spit be if none had ever evaporated or been absorbed into the soil?

Famous Presidential Lies

Famous Presidential Lies Written by, To The Point News LBJ: We were attacked (in the Gulf of Tonkin ) Nixon: I am not a crook GHW Bush: Read my lips - No New Taxes Clinton: I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinski GW Bush: Iraq has weapons of mass destruction Obama: I will have the most transparent administration in history. The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs. I am focused like a laser on creating jobs. The IRS is not targeting anyone. It was a spontaneous riot about a movie. If I had a son. I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism". You didn't build that! I will restore trust in Government. The Cambridge cops acted stupidly. The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk It's not my red line - it is the world's red line. Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration. We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest. I am not spying on American citizens. Obama Care will be good for America . You can keep your family doctor. Premiums will be lowered by $2500. If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan. It's just like shopping at Amazon. I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels. I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups. I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi . I have never known my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago. And, I have never lived with that uncle. He finally admitted (12-05-2013) that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him. And the biggest one of all: "I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America ." I believe we have a winner!

Bumper Snickers

     One place people can always get their ire re-wired is to get it off their chests and onto their car bumpers.\

Avoid Crowds - Attend Church! (A pastor fighting good spring weather.)
The Detroit Lions Are A Non-Violent Organization! (A disillusioned football fan)
Sleeping Beauty Takes Sominex (An enterprising ad man)
The Human Race Is Fixed (Some guy downtown carrying this sign)
King Kong Died For Our Sins (No clue)
Keep America Beautiful - Swallow Beer Cans! (a REAL green-living American)
M&Ms Make Your Hands Melt (Cute comment the driver's kid said)
Name One Person Robin Hood Gave Money To (Quick loan company manager)
Is There Life After Birth? (Unhappy loser at love)
Where There's A Pill There's A Way (A big bad wolf)
Rembrandt Traces (Just flunked Art Class)
One-Seventh Of Your Life Is Wasted On Mondays (Average 9-to-5 worker.)
You Wouldn't Hit A Guy With Glasses Would You? (With a martini pictured on the sticker)
We One (On car also sporting a newlywed sign)
Support The Crisis Of Your Choice (My friend the pragmatist)
Save The College Of Your Choice - Have A Child (College admissions dean plugging alumni loyalty
Don't Hit Me, My Lawyer's In Jail (Sign of the times.)
The Key To Flexibility Is Indecision (Probable chairman of the procrastinator's club)
Things Are More Like They Are Now Than They Ever Have Been Before (Meaning government, of course)
Vote If You Know Who's Good For You! (In Chicago?)
No Hitch-Hackers (On back of golf cart)
Help Preserve Our Wild Life - Throw A Party (Seen on University of Oregon campus)
College Helps - To Some Degree (University of Connecticut campus)
Pass Me. I'm A Student (Colby College campus)
Nest Time You Criticize Farmers, Don't Talk With Your Mouth Full (On grain-hauling truck)
The Ether Bunny (Anesthetist's car)
See Next Bumper Sticker (The guy in my office who never takes the blame for anything)

     Pity the poor people who have no opinion - for they shall go through life without a bumper sticker.

Geezer Joke: The Lone Diner

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a   gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out  since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its 

socket towards him. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the 

air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye 

back into place. 'Let me bnuy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they 

went to the theater, followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, 

she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. 

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to 

come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a 

wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast. The guy was 

amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this 

nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies.'You just happened to catch my eye.'