R. Loeffelbein's DOG DOGMA: Christmas Doesn't Have to Be "Just Another Day" For Our Dogs"

     To show that most dog owners tend to share Christmas with their pets it has been discovered that 73% of pet owners have signed a greeting card from their dog.
     So it is only logical that we, the dog's companion and helpmate, would be interested in any study of doggie noises as he tries to talk to us, right? Luckily, Japanese researchers analyzed many thousands of woofs, wails and growls to develop a gadget called the Bow Lingual, which translates a dog's utterances into one of 200 phrases on a hand-held monitor. I first saw it advertised in 2003, but have never seen it in any pet shop I've frequented, even though it was said to be in U.S. shops at that time (but never mentioned which shops or where).
     This would be a handy gadget, though my companion is a Basenji and the breed doesn't bark. But, since mine is a not-apparent mix he does bark. He also sits and yodels on hearing any siren. He barks only to get his messages across and he is very good at it. As a watchdog he leaves nothing to an intruder's imagination with his challenge. When he wants into the house he sits in front of a window and barks once, short and sharp. If he wants attention, he stands directly in front of me, ears alert and stares expectantly into my face, and does it until I notice and ask him "What?" He will than go to the door, to go out, or the kitchen, for food, or the coat rack, which holds his collar and leash for daily walks. In short he has beaten this handicap of non-speech with logic and patience. Most dogs will do the same if we but pay attention. But it would still be nice to have one of those Bow Linguals!
     Another item I've noted that might be handy, though the notice was only a U.S. Patent Office number (6871616). It was a combination leash and umbrella, for people who hate wet hair smell coming into the house.
     Even handier might be the illustrated hard-cover book and accompanying CD, titled "Relaxation Music for Your Dog", composed by the japan School of Music Therapy. The CD features friendly frequencies designed to calm your dog; the book is filled with "adorable" dog photos and "memorable "quotes. (Dog Recreation Pack, The Music Sales Group, $14.95).
     For those, like Daniel Keeton, who like to include their dog in the celebration, there is Dawg Grog, which Daniel, who works in Bend, Oregon's Boneyard Brewery, has concocted from spent grain and vegetable broth. It sells at the Visit Bend Store. Perhaps not so surprisingly this isn't the only dog grog being marketed. The other has been created by a Dutch pet shop owner who ljust wanted to have drinks with his Wleimeraner after hunts. But the date on the clipping where I saw it was January 2007, so you may have to Google it if you too want to drink with your dog.
     If this pastime overlaps with football season, think about getting your dog a replica football stadium bed - $60 to $80. Much more comfortable  than just curling up beside your easy chair. I don't know where they are sold, but I saw one in Sports Illustrated Magazine, Dec. 2014 issue.
     Dog food companies have, for some years now, kept track of hotels and motels that welcome travelers with their pets. Just contact them for listings.
     Just as handy to have would be a list of toxic plants for dogs. Contact aspco.org/toxic plants..
      Pet-friendly airlines - Pet Airways, based in Delray Beach, Florida, and operating out of Washington, New York, Denver, Chicago and Los Angeles basically - likewise enjoined traveler-dog convenience. Seats have room for 50 dog and cat carriers, which are checked every 15 minutes by an attendant. Much better than shipping pets in cargo planes, where they could be exposed to temperature extremes, poor ventilation and rough handling! One-way fares vary from $150 to $400, depending upon dog size and destination. Google www.pet airways.com.
     Of course you are going to give gifts to your dog too, so look at some niftys my dog has nosed with interest during shopping tours.
     How about a Bubble Ball? It speaks to your dog as he plays with it. I have no idea what it says: "Easy,boy!", "Good hit, but put more spin on it", "Ten more mnutes of your exercise time remaining"? (Pet Querks for $8.99.)
     Another talking item is eTag's digital Dog-e-Tag ($39.95 by phoning 866-364-3824). Get up to 40 lines of info on the e-Tag, like "Go home now!" or "Dinner time," or even "Get away from that hussy of a Poodle."
     And then there is the Flying Squirrel, a squirrel your dog can finally catch! It's a squared-off furry Frisbee. Sells for $8.95 to $12.95 if your pet store has them.
   

R. Loeffelbein's DOG DOGMA: New Year's Resolutions I'm Suggesting to My Dog

I won't challenge the garbage collector any more. I've learned he is not stealing our stuff.
I will shake the snow off BEFORE entering the living room and jumping on the sofa.
I will no longer come into the bedroom, after outdoor ablutions are completed, and stick my cold nose under the covers on mistress's bare back.
I promise to cease playing tug-of-war with the master's underwear while he is on the toilet.
Nor will I play with the wash on the laundry line, no matter how evocatively the wind plays with it. (Though it beats me how the mistress can pass up such great fun,)
I will try to remember the sound of a can opener is not a call for me, and that my head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I must remember that kitty box crunchies are not food. They don't eliminate easily.
I promise not to eat the cat's food, either before or after they eat it.
And I'll remember that the diaper pail is not a water dish, nor a cookie jar.
I will stop being so particular and not use a clean place on the carpet whenever I have to throw up.
I will continue to inspect, but not roll on, dead fish we come across in our walks along the river.
I definitely will not throw up in the car. The master has threatened "NO more car rides!"
I will try to remember not to stand up while lying under the coffee table while mistress is pouring coffee for the ladies.
I'm going to stop barking every time there is a doorbell rung on the TV. I was finally told we don't have a doorbell.)
I will not roll my squeak toys under the daveno or the fridg. (The mistress doesn't clean under there very well so they don't taste good when I get them back.)
I will take time from my busy walks to smell the behinds.
I must not lick mistress's face after nosing pigeon poop.
I will cease chewing crayons. Last time the master thought I was hemorrhaging and was ready to take me to the vet.
While on a drive I will try not to drool along the side of the car when I have my head out the widow.
I won't ever again bite the officer's hand when he reaches into the car for mistress's driver's license and registration. Turns out mistress can be wrong on occasion!

R. Loeffelbeins whatchama column: "The Continuing Evolution of Language:

     It 's been said "language evolves organically", but individuals have created languages of their own, hoping to devise a universal tongue by which all cultures might communicate. This doesn't include such  fads as Pig Latin and Double Dutch, which I remember as early childhood attempts at coding language so as to foil parental understanding. I have no idea how or when or where either of those got started, though both are just complex enough not to have been invented by the children who favored them.
    On the other hand, we have Volapuk and Esperanto.
     Volapuk (properly spelled with an umlaut over the u) was devised in 1879 by a German priest named Johann Martin Schleyer. He claimed the idea came from a vision of the Tower of Babel and a little divine inspiration.
     Esperanto was introduced by  L.I. Zamenhof in 1887. From it came a language called Ido (the Esperanto word for "child") and another called Interlingua.
     Also in the 1800s a poet and minister, named William Barnes, attacked the English language, trying to make it "Englisher". He wondered what the English language would look like if it was stripped of all Latin and Greek "root" words. (Check your dictionary to be surprised how many there are!) Some of his substitute words, produced in his "Pure English" dictionary, made perfect sense while others produced chuckles and still others needed translating for understanding.
     The substitute word for "photograph", from Greek words meaning "light" and "writing", he thought should be "sunprint". That makes sense. See what you make of some of his other substitutes.

Anniversary would become "year-day".
Affirmative would become "ayesome".
Alienate - "unfrenden".
Botany - "wortlore".
Conscience - "inwit".
Contrary - "thwartsome".
Democracy - "folkdom".
Divisible- "sundersome".
Dictionary - "word-book".
Negative - "naysome".
Opposites - "overthwartings".
Quality - "suchness".
Quantity - "muchness".

     We often don't realize that many words we use are 100 years old, like the above. For example, here is a little surprising list Reader's Digest compiled that date back to 1917: advertorial, chowhound, cootie, gaga, lounge lizard, pep pill and even the abbreviation OMG!
     Since then the sciences have probably coined the most new words. And the military has likewise been word-active. But the most useful general usage words have probably come from authors and writers for newspapers and magazines. Just to remind you of some you've probably forgotten the birth of Reader's Digest has come to our aid again.
     "Nerd" came from Dr. Seuse in the 1950s when he named one of his oddlball creatures that in "If I Ran the Zoo". "Twitter", long before Google utilized it, came from Geoffrey Chaucer, indicating someone "carping continually". "Yahoos", likewise, did not originate with Google, but with Jonathan Swift in "Gulliver's Travels", though the term then indicated  "the dregs of humankind". "Flummox" came from Charles Dickens' "Pickwick Papers" and "boredom" from his "Bleak House". John Milton coined "pandemonium" in "Paradise Lost", H.G. Wells first used "atom bomb" in his 1914 novel "The World Set Free", and Lewis Carroll invented "chortle" and "galumph" in his nonsense poem "Jabberwocky".
     And new words keep coming after all this time. One I love is "tyrunt", indicating a child who bosses everyone around. A useful term in our burgeoning digital world is "fidgetal", indicating one continually fidgeting with his phone or whatever. Both are borne courtesy of Lizzie Skurnick in "That Should Be A Word".
     Reddit.com offers the term "cellfie" to replace "mug shot" and "dogtor" for "veterinarian". Jennifer Braunschweiger, in a piece titled "Lessons In Beauty" in Fast Company Magazine (April 2017), came up with "incentivizing", meaning rewarding loyal customers by varied means. And Gary Hallock, who has been producing and hosting the O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships for 26 years, termed competitors "punslingers".
     Now, to put all the foregoing into perspective, the Webster's Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary I have used since 1996 - thus already 21 years old - encompasses 2229 pages. What is it going to look like in another 20 years?

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Smile Awhile With Me"

     I love well crafted jokes. And these I have collected are so crafted they appear to be short-short stories, with surprise endings.

     John, fresh out of college with high grades in accounting courses, went for interview for a well-paying job. The interview went well, consisting of questions about both his background and his education. One final question was "What is three times seven?"
     "22," quickly replied a surprised John. The interviewer sadly shook his head.
     John, once outside the interview room, checked his calculator and frowned, knowing he wouldn't get the job.
     But a week later he received a call telling him he was hired for the job. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, he joyfully accepted and said he would report for work the next day.
     When he got to work the next day, he had to ask how he had gotten the job after getting such a simple question wrong.
     His new boss shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, you were the closest!"

     A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche Turbo in front of his office to show it off to colleagues. As he reached to open the door to embark a truck came barreling down the street, weaved toward the car and tore the door off.
     Fortunately, a police cruiser saw the accident and pulled up behind the ravaged Porsche. Before the cop could ask a single question the lawyer was in his face screaming about his new Porsche being wrecked and the truck not even stopping. As he finally wound down, the cop held up a hand to stop the torrent .
     "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, shaking his head. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't think of the more important things "
     "How can you say such a thing?" yelled the lawyer    
     "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing, along with the door?" the cop answered in disbelief.
     The lawyer glanced down and screamed, "Oh, my God! My Rolex!"

     A big-shot businessman, who had to spend a couple days in the hospital, was a royal pain to the nurses. He bossed them around just as he did his employees. Only the head nurse could stand up to him. She walked into his room and told him she had to take his temperature. He grumbled and crossed his arms, but opened his mouth.
     "Sorry," the nurse said. "But for this reading I can't use an oral thermometer."
     He grumbled some more, but turned onto his stomach and bared his backside. After inserting the thermometer the nurse said, "I have to get something. You stay still until I get back."
     She must have left the door open on her way out and he cursed under his breath as he heard people laughing as they passed by his door.
     Eventually the doctor noticed the open door and came in. "What's going on?" he asked.
     "Can't you tell when someone is having their temperature taken?" the patient growled.
     After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, of course, but never with a daffodil!"

     You DID smile, didn't you?)
   

R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Thinking Like A Dog"

     Don't you ever wonder what your dog is thinking? I did, so I paid attention to his expressions and actions the past several days. Some of his thoughts seemed pretty obvious. For examples:

My human has already slept 15 minutes past our usual wake-up time! What if he's dead?
Why does my human leave the house every day when he could curl up on the daveno and sleep with me?
But he seems to be sort of a masochist anyhow. Can you believe he voluntarily takes a bath every day.
Why do humans wear different costumes every day? Do they somehow make humans more acceptable for mating?
And why does he insist on dressing me up on Halloween? Can't he see all the hair I have to cover me?
Why does my human talk in a natural voice to other people, but in a high-pitched child's voice to me? In dog years I'm older than he is.
Of course, I want to go outside. How does he always know?
Wonder if I never find out "Who's a good boy?" he's always telling me about?
When he leaves the house, wonder if he never comes back to feed me?
I finished my dinner. He's so slow I usually offer to help him finish his, but he never shares.
Why do humans harvest our poop?
I don't want the ball. Then my human throws it. Now I want the ball!
If I wasn't around, my human would lose every ball he has. I don't understand why he throws them away if he still wants them.
When my human runs around the neighborhood, he says it's exercise. When I do it, though, he yells at me.
What is my human thinking when he hooks me up to a leash? Is he afraid he will get lost?
Why doesn't my human listen to me when I bark warnings about that dangerous man who slinks around the neighborhood leaving messages in peoples' mailboxes?

R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "The 'First Dog' Named Fido"

     Abraham Lincoln, U.S. President 1861-1865, loved animals.

     Fido, a yellow mutt of a dog, entered the Lincoln household in Springfield, VA, in 1855 and quickly became a family fixture. He learned mock circus tricks from Lincoln's sons, trailed along with Abe on market errands, and, to Mary Todd's horror, greeted guests with middy paw-to- hand shakes. 

     Fido was too big and rambunctious to join the Lincolns in the White House in 1861, but Abe 

brought a veritable petting zoo of animals into the White House: rabbits, goats, ponies and a trio of kittens rescued from a Union Army prison camp.

     Fido did join his new owners at the Springfield train station to hear Abe's farewell speech. And, when Abe's casket returned in May 1965, Fido was there, too, to greet his former master. Media coverage for the funeral turned Fido, at that time, into the most famous dog in America. 

(Source: Reader's Digest Nov. 2015)

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More DOGerel

This ad showed up on the bulletin board at the Queen of Angels Hospital:

"Sophisticated, city-bred German Shepherd wishes to rent one or two-bedroom house, furnished, with yard. Has two quiet, well-behaved adults."

Another Ad: "Lassie, Come home. All is forgiven. It was a wet umbrella."

And, from the Saginaw, MI, News: "For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy."

And from the Indianapolis News: "Grown Boxer. AKC-registered. Will eat anything. Especially fond of children."

Jack worked his way through medical school at nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could serve his constituents well  by combining the practices of medicine with taxidermy. He opened his practice with a shingle on the door reading: "Dr. Jack Jones. Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy. 'Either way you get your dog back.'"

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: 'Jokes I've Heard Good Enough to Repeat"

    . I love jokes with real surprise endings, like these:

1) Our boss was complaining in our staff meeting recently that he wasn't getting any respect. So later he brought in a small sign reading "I'm the Boss!" and had it placed prominently on his office door.
Still later, when he returned from lunch, he found someone had taped a notice to the sign. It read: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back."

2) A New York family bought a ranch in Idaho, where they intended to raise cattle. Visiting friends asked if the ranch had a name.
   "Well, I wanted to name it Bar-O. My wife wanted to name it the Suzy-Q. One son wanted to call it the Flying-W, while the other son preferred the Lazy-Y. So we pleased everyone and named it the Bar-O-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy Y,"replied the would-be cattleman.
     "But where are all your cattle?" asked the friend.
     "None survived the branding!" was the sad reply.

3) A guy entered a bar, saw a friend drinking alone at a table.
"You look terrible," he tells the friend. "What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June and left me $10,000," the friend replies.
"I'm sorry to hear about your mother, that's tough, but the money is nice."
"Then in July," the friend continues, "my father died, leaving me $20,000."
"Wow, both parents gone so close together! No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died and left me $15,000," adds the friend.
"Three close family members lost in three months! That's really sad."
"Then, this month," continues the friend, "nothing!."

4) Two hunters hire a plane to fly them to Siberia to hunt bears. Upon landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with one pilot, two passengers and one bear."
But the hunters have great luck and return with two bears.
"I told you, "says the pilot, "ONE bear."
The hunters argue that the previous year, upon payment of an additional 100 rubles,he had allowed them to load two bears. After a long continuing argument and negotiation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and loads the two bears.
After struggling the plane into the air and skimming tree tops for about three miles, the plane gives up and plummets into a huge snow bank. Tunneling up out of the snow and the load of bears, one of the hunters asks the pilot where he thinks they are.
"He glances around and says, "About the same place we crashed last year."