R. Loeffelbeins whatchama column: "The Continuing Evolution of Language:

     It 's been said "language evolves organically", but individuals have created languages of their own, hoping to devise a universal tongue by which all cultures might communicate. This doesn't include such  fads as Pig Latin and Double Dutch, which I remember as early childhood attempts at coding language so as to foil parental understanding. I have no idea how or when or where either of those got started, though both are just complex enough not to have been invented by the children who favored them.
    On the other hand, we have Volapuk and Esperanto.
     Volapuk (properly spelled with an umlaut over the u) was devised in 1879 by a German priest named Johann Martin Schleyer. He claimed the idea came from a vision of the Tower of Babel and a little divine inspiration.
     Esperanto was introduced by  L.I. Zamenhof in 1887. From it came a language called Ido (the Esperanto word for "child") and another called Interlingua.
     Also in the 1800s a poet and minister, named William Barnes, attacked the English language, trying to make it "Englisher". He wondered what the English language would look like if it was stripped of all Latin and Greek "root" words. (Check your dictionary to be surprised how many there are!) Some of his substitute words, produced in his "Pure English" dictionary, made perfect sense while others produced chuckles and still others needed translating for understanding.
     The substitute word for "photograph", from Greek words meaning "light" and "writing", he thought should be "sunprint". That makes sense. See what you make of some of his other substitutes.

Anniversary would become "year-day".
Affirmative would become "ayesome".
Alienate - "unfrenden".
Botany - "wortlore".
Conscience - "inwit".
Contrary - "thwartsome".
Democracy - "folkdom".
Divisible- "sundersome".
Dictionary - "word-book".
Negative - "naysome".
Opposites - "overthwartings".
Quality - "suchness".
Quantity - "muchness".

     We often don't realize that many words we use are 100 years old, like the above. For example, here is a little surprising list Reader's Digest compiled that date back to 1917: advertorial, chowhound, cootie, gaga, lounge lizard, pep pill and even the abbreviation OMG!
     Since then the sciences have probably coined the most new words. And the military has likewise been word-active. But the most useful general usage words have probably come from authors and writers for newspapers and magazines. Just to remind you of some you've probably forgotten the birth of Reader's Digest has come to our aid again.
     "Nerd" came from Dr. Seuse in the 1950s when he named one of his oddlball creatures that in "If I Ran the Zoo". "Twitter", long before Google utilized it, came from Geoffrey Chaucer, indicating someone "carping continually". "Yahoos", likewise, did not originate with Google, but with Jonathan Swift in "Gulliver's Travels", though the term then indicated  "the dregs of humankind". "Flummox" came from Charles Dickens' "Pickwick Papers" and "boredom" from his "Bleak House". John Milton coined "pandemonium" in "Paradise Lost", H.G. Wells first used "atom bomb" in his 1914 novel "The World Set Free", and Lewis Carroll invented "chortle" and "galumph" in his nonsense poem "Jabberwocky".
     And new words keep coming after all this time. One I love is "tyrunt", indicating a child who bosses everyone around. A useful term in our burgeoning digital world is "fidgetal", indicating one continually fidgeting with his phone or whatever. Both are borne courtesy of Lizzie Skurnick in "That Should Be A Word".
     Reddit.com offers the term "cellfie" to replace "mug shot" and "dogtor" for "veterinarian". Jennifer Braunschweiger, in a piece titled "Lessons In Beauty" in Fast Company Magazine (April 2017), came up with "incentivizing", meaning rewarding loyal customers by varied means. And Gary Hallock, who has been producing and hosting the O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships for 26 years, termed competitors "punslingers".
     Now, to put all the foregoing into perspective, the Webster's Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary I have used since 1996 - thus already 21 years old - encompasses 2229 pages. What is it going to look like in another 20 years?

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Smile Awhile With Me"

     I love well crafted jokes. And these I have collected are so crafted they appear to be short-short stories, with surprise endings.

     John, fresh out of college with high grades in accounting courses, went for interview for a well-paying job. The interview went well, consisting of questions about both his background and his education. One final question was "What is three times seven?"
     "22," quickly replied a surprised John. The interviewer sadly shook his head.
     John, once outside the interview room, checked his calculator and frowned, knowing he wouldn't get the job.
     But a week later he received a call telling him he was hired for the job. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, he joyfully accepted and said he would report for work the next day.
     When he got to work the next day, he had to ask how he had gotten the job after getting such a simple question wrong.
     His new boss shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, you were the closest!"

     A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche Turbo in front of his office to show it off to colleagues. As he reached to open the door to embark a truck came barreling down the street, weaved toward the car and tore the door off.
     Fortunately, a police cruiser saw the accident and pulled up behind the ravaged Porsche. Before the cop could ask a single question the lawyer was in his face screaming about his new Porsche being wrecked and the truck not even stopping. As he finally wound down, the cop held up a hand to stop the torrent .
     "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, shaking his head. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't think of the more important things "
     "How can you say such a thing?" yelled the lawyer    
     "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing, along with the door?" the cop answered in disbelief.
     The lawyer glanced down and screamed, "Oh, my God! My Rolex!"

     A big-shot businessman, who had to spend a couple days in the hospital, was a royal pain to the nurses. He bossed them around just as he did his employees. Only the head nurse could stand up to him. She walked into his room and told him she had to take his temperature. He grumbled and crossed his arms, but opened his mouth.
     "Sorry," the nurse said. "But for this reading I can't use an oral thermometer."
     He grumbled some more, but turned onto his stomach and bared his backside. After inserting the thermometer the nurse said, "I have to get something. You stay still until I get back."
     She must have left the door open on her way out and he cursed under his breath as he heard people laughing as they passed by his door.
     Eventually the doctor noticed the open door and came in. "What's going on?" he asked.
     "Can't you tell when someone is having their temperature taken?" the patient growled.
     After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, of course, but never with a daffodil!"

     You DID smile, didn't you?)
   

R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Thinking Like A Dog"

     Don't you ever wonder what your dog is thinking? I did, so I paid attention to his expressions and actions the past several days. Some of his thoughts seemed pretty obvious. For examples:

My human has already slept 15 minutes past our usual wake-up time! What if he's dead?
Why does my human leave the house every day when he could curl up on the daveno and sleep with me?
But he seems to be sort of a masochist anyhow. Can you believe he voluntarily takes a bath every day.
Why do humans wear different costumes every day? Do they somehow make humans more acceptable for mating?
And why does he insist on dressing me up on Halloween? Can't he see all the hair I have to cover me?
Why does my human talk in a natural voice to other people, but in a high-pitched child's voice to me? In dog years I'm older than he is.
Of course, I want to go outside. How does he always know?
Wonder if I never find out "Who's a good boy?" he's always telling me about?
When he leaves the house, wonder if he never comes back to feed me?
I finished my dinner. He's so slow I usually offer to help him finish his, but he never shares.
Why do humans harvest our poop?
I don't want the ball. Then my human throws it. Now I want the ball!
If I wasn't around, my human would lose every ball he has. I don't understand why he throws them away if he still wants them.
When my human runs around the neighborhood, he says it's exercise. When I do it, though, he yells at me.
What is my human thinking when he hooks me up to a leash? Is he afraid he will get lost?
Why doesn't my human listen to me when I bark warnings about that dangerous man who slinks around the neighborhood leaving messages in peoples' mailboxes?

R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "The 'First Dog' Named Fido"

     Abraham Lincoln, U.S. President 1861-1865, loved animals.

     Fido, a yellow mutt of a dog, entered the Lincoln household in Springfield, VA, in 1855 and quickly became a family fixture. He learned mock circus tricks from Lincoln's sons, trailed along with Abe on market errands, and, to Mary Todd's horror, greeted guests with middy paw-to- hand shakes. 

     Fido was too big and rambunctious to join the Lincolns in the White House in 1861, but Abe 

brought a veritable petting zoo of animals into the White House: rabbits, goats, ponies and a trio of kittens rescued from a Union Army prison camp.

     Fido did join his new owners at the Springfield train station to hear Abe's farewell speech. And, when Abe's casket returned in May 1965, Fido was there, too, to greet his former master. Media coverage for the funeral turned Fido, at that time, into the most famous dog in America. 

(Source: Reader's Digest Nov. 2015)

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More DOGerel

This ad showed up on the bulletin board at the Queen of Angels Hospital:

"Sophisticated, city-bred German Shepherd wishes to rent one or two-bedroom house, furnished, with yard. Has two quiet, well-behaved adults."

Another Ad: "Lassie, Come home. All is forgiven. It was a wet umbrella."

And, from the Saginaw, MI, News: "For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy."

And from the Indianapolis News: "Grown Boxer. AKC-registered. Will eat anything. Especially fond of children."

Jack worked his way through medical school at nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could serve his constituents well  by combining the practices of medicine with taxidermy. He opened his practice with a shingle on the door reading: "Dr. Jack Jones. Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy. 'Either way you get your dog back.'"

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: 'Jokes I've Heard Good Enough to Repeat"

    . I love jokes with real surprise endings, like these:

1) Our boss was complaining in our staff meeting recently that he wasn't getting any respect. So later he brought in a small sign reading "I'm the Boss!" and had it placed prominently on his office door.
Still later, when he returned from lunch, he found someone had taped a notice to the sign. It read: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back."

2) A New York family bought a ranch in Idaho, where they intended to raise cattle. Visiting friends asked if the ranch had a name.
   "Well, I wanted to name it Bar-O. My wife wanted to name it the Suzy-Q. One son wanted to call it the Flying-W, while the other son preferred the Lazy-Y. So we pleased everyone and named it the Bar-O-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy Y,"replied the would-be cattleman.
     "But where are all your cattle?" asked the friend.
     "None survived the branding!" was the sad reply.

3) A guy entered a bar, saw a friend drinking alone at a table.
"You look terrible," he tells the friend. "What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June and left me $10,000," the friend replies.
"I'm sorry to hear about your mother, that's tough, but the money is nice."
"Then in July," the friend continues, "my father died, leaving me $20,000."
"Wow, both parents gone so close together! No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died and left me $15,000," adds the friend.
"Three close family members lost in three months! That's really sad."
"Then, this month," continues the friend, "nothing!."

4) Two hunters hire a plane to fly them to Siberia to hunt bears. Upon landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with one pilot, two passengers and one bear."
But the hunters have great luck and return with two bears.
"I told you, "says the pilot, "ONE bear."
The hunters argue that the previous year, upon payment of an additional 100 rubles,he had allowed them to load two bears. After a long continuing argument and negotiation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and loads the two bears.
After struggling the plane into the air and skimming tree tops for about three miles, the plane gives up and plummets into a huge snow bank. Tunneling up out of the snow and the load of bears, one of the hunters asks the pilot where he thinks they are.
"He glances around and says, "About the same place we crashed last year."

R. Loeffelbein's LISTS BLOG: "List of Things Invisible"

     How can one plagiarize "nothing"?
     This thought intrigued me as I browsed an item in Reader's Digest circa 7/8/17, because that is exactly what I intended doing and will have now done, following my admission. I hope originator "Flora" will forgive me, but this really tickled my sense of ill-logic.

LIST: Top Five Things That Are Invisible

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

See what I mean?










1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

See what I mean?
   

R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "My Dog's Questions"

     We humans often sit, seemingly idle, at times, but actually we are probably day dreaming, asking ourselves questions that have vexed us at one time or another. With this in mind, I noted my dog, Red, sitting seemingly idle also yesterday, but with his ears erect and an interested look on his face that made me think that he, also, might well be asking himself questions that have vexed him at one time or another. What kind of questions would vex a dog, you ask? Well, surprisingly, right off the cuff I could think of a number I'd wonder about if I were Red. Think about that yourself and I'll bet you can come up with quite a list yourself.
     Right at the top of my list was, "Why do humans, who seem to have perfectly good noses, love to go around smelling the flowers but never enjoy smelling one another's butts"
     "And will it still be considered an unacceptable affront in the afterlife to greet one's human friends by sticking one's nose into their crotch?"
     And I wondered if my dog thought he was being a bad dog by barking, just for the joy of it, in the house when no one was there to hear him?
     And, "Do you suppose there are mailmen in Heaven and, if there are, am I going to have to apologize? And tell any garbage collectors there that I'm sorry for the way I acted, that I know now that they weren't stealing our trash?"
     Likewise, "are the wastes of this world going to be available for our olfactory senses to enjoy as we roll in them, like decaying fish and leavings of the horses in our pasture?"
     Will it still be considered impolite - when I try to be fastidious - sitting in the middle of the living room and licking my crotch?"
     If we are man's best friend, like I've heard voiced around, how come there are cars named after rabbit, colt, mustang, stingray and cougar, but not one named for a dog> How much trouble would it be to change the Christler Eagle to the Beagle, for instance?"
     Will some of the things taught me in this world still have relevance where I go when I pass on, like: "The master's bed is not a dog towel for use after a rainy day walk, the living room carpet is not kept as a handy solution for an itchy butt, and the cat's food is not meant for me, even if the cat has thrown it up."
     The most worrysome wonderment, though, is whether I"ll get my testicles back in Heaven!!!