Last column explained an old word game that tested one's vocabulary called Stink Pink. One person would present a (hopefully) humorous deftnition, plus the number of syllables in the two rhyming words being sought. It was a mad fad for a time with even newspaper columnists and comic section cartoonists being drawn into it.
That column seems to have resonated with some of my senior friends who remembered it and started playing it at the local senior center. They have come up with such a plethora of rhymings as to amaze and amuse me that I'm passing them on to you readers.
One-syllable matchings:
Ex-lax = purge urge
Urge to do something = slim whim
A hospital's first-aid kit = nurse purse
Dog house = mutt hut
Crying twin babies = scream team
Duck dinner = quack snack
Handsome couple dressed for a formal = Slick chick and sleek sheik
Smart conversation rejoinder = hip quip
The first Bikini = Eve's leaves
Dumb seller of stolen goods = dense fence
Medieval land grab = fief thief
Rainy-day taxi shortage = hack lack
Monarch's jewelry = king's rings
Preparation for a foul dinner = chicken pickin'
Fish story = reel spiel
Fancy chandelier = class glass
Lady Godiva on a bender = stewed nude
Spanking = seat heat
cemetery = bone zone
wrinkles = age gauge
Tabloid = smash trash
Two-syllable matchings:
Pet cat needing a combing = shabby tabby
Result of a rap contest = lipping whipping
Un-hip mother = dummy mummy
Relative who is always phoning = buzzin' cousin
African drum = Congo bongo
Sunburned aspiring actress = scarlet starlet
Shortest distance between two antagonistic cats = feline beeline
Cracked-up skier = aching breaking
Person asking to be kissed = smoocher moocher
Pedestrian crossing a busy street = bumper jumper
Church-run shellfish business = oyster cloister
Protectors of the universe = global nobles
Beautiful but sad female = wryful eyeful
Male turned female = gender bender
Sunday church activity = sermon squirmin'
Eye doctor = winker tinker
Stomach specialist = gizzard wizard
Hash = griddle riddle
Baby sitter = yelper helper
Three-syllable matchings:
Seamstress doing fancy work = stitchery witchery
Raffish man-of-the-cloth = sinister minister
Zoo worker who takes care of red birds with black wings = Tanager manager
Super-powered slingshot = fantastic elastic
Horse that pulled a wrecked farm vehicle out of a bog = ex-tractor extractor
Four-syllable matchings:
Middle-Eastern fruit vendor's establishment = Afghanistan banana-stand
New York whiskey storage vault = Knickerbocker liquor-locker
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Remember "Stink Pink"?
I was telling a friend recently about the young man, eyes on his iPhone, unaware of all else around him, who came within one horn toot on my part of walking smack-dab into the side of my moving car. This led to some memory gathering about other just-as-silly fads we remembered.
There was the "Knock-Knock" fad: "Knock knock", "Who's there?" "Greta." "Greta who?" (punchline) "Greta life, you lazy bum!"
And there was the "Handies" fad, where, for instance, you stuck a finger in your mouth, revolved your other hand around your ear clockwise, and everyone was supposed to guess you were pantomiming a pencil sharpener.
And there was my favorite, called "Stink Pink".
These were great ice breakers at parties. You know, where everyone is sitting around making friendly noises at each other while they sniff breaths to see who has the booze at the party! With these, strangers at a party didn't need a common bond to converse on. The games established one. Conversation wasn't needed. While sipping, or chewing, everyone hatched clever Stink Pinks to share. Even if someone came up empty, he or she would usually have imbibed enough drink so the ice would be broken anyhow. So it seemed a sure-fire method for mixing up the participants.
Let me explain how the game worked. The first step was to think up a set of two rhyming words - an adjective and a noun or pronoun - like "Zestful chestfull". This you kept to yourself, since it was to be the ultimate answer the others were to guess from the clues you furnish them.
To the gathering you give hints in two parts: (1) a (preferably funny) dictionary-type deftnition of your rhyming words (which must, incidentally, be the same length) and (2) the number of syllables in your chosen words. Stink Pink = one syllable, stinky pinky = two, stinkity pinkity = three, and for every added syllable add in another "it". Example: "Actress with a more-so torso, stinky pinky". The answer:"zestfull chestfull".
If anyone comes up with a word set of more than four syllables they should be classed as genius, above the hoi-polio, and should be down in the village drinking Scotch with the intellectuals, not playing silly word games at our party, where no one would guess the damn thing anyhow. Two examples did surface at our games - ineffectual intellectual and comprehensible reprehensible - and, as expected, they stumped our partiers completely. The perpetrator, it turned out, had browsed the dictionary for a week to come up with them.
In the eventuality this game intrigues anyone enough to try, here is a set of sample Stink Pinks we brain-stormed for you.
What is a burlesk stripper on the bumps-and-brinds circuit called, stink-pink?
What is a municipal jester, stink-pink?
What would a happy father be, stink-pink and stinky-pinky??
What is a desert song, stink-pionk?
What is a censosr's most used article of equipment, stinky-pinky?
What is a baby with a lack of social responsibility, stinky-pinky?
What is a gal with the moaning after the night before, stinky-pinky?
What is a honey-dipped lieutenant junior-grade, stinky-pinky?
What is the luscious fruit growing around a sandy clime, stink-pink?
What is swimming in a sewer, stinky-pinky?
What is a beautifu, but dumb, gal with "identical" charms, stinky-pinky?
What is lettuce cut up without dressing, stinky-pinky?
What is a skinny spook, stink-pink?
What's an African cat caretaker known as, stinky-pinky?
What are French post cards, stinkitity-pinkitity?
ANSWERS:
Lewd Nude
Town Clown
Glad Dad, Happy Pappy
Dune Tune
Quizzer's Scissors
Piddling Kidling
Blearie Dearie
Gooey Looey
Beach Peach
Muciing Ducking
Simple Dimples
Daring Paring
Gaunt Haunt
Leopard Shepherd
Pornography Photography
This game even made it into a popular Sunday section newspaper column of this earlier era, titled Charlie Rice's Punchbowl. He called it "Hink-Pink". He did a column and invited readership send-ins and was inundated with 3,000 responses.
This game was actually so widespread that a comic strip titled "On Stage", by Leonard Starr, featured it one Sunday. He called it the Rhymie-Stymie game, though, and came up with such stunning rhyming sets as unilateral collateral (one-sided security), enigmatical sabbatical (puzzling vacation), endemic polymic (localized controversy), lexiphanic mechanic (phrase-mongering machinist), abecedarian parliamentaraian (novice statesman)
There was the "Knock-Knock" fad: "Knock knock", "Who's there?" "Greta." "Greta who?" (punchline) "Greta life, you lazy bum!"
And there was the "Handies" fad, where, for instance, you stuck a finger in your mouth, revolved your other hand around your ear clockwise, and everyone was supposed to guess you were pantomiming a pencil sharpener.
And there was my favorite, called "Stink Pink".
These were great ice breakers at parties. You know, where everyone is sitting around making friendly noises at each other while they sniff breaths to see who has the booze at the party! With these, strangers at a party didn't need a common bond to converse on. The games established one. Conversation wasn't needed. While sipping, or chewing, everyone hatched clever Stink Pinks to share. Even if someone came up empty, he or she would usually have imbibed enough drink so the ice would be broken anyhow. So it seemed a sure-fire method for mixing up the participants.
Let me explain how the game worked. The first step was to think up a set of two rhyming words - an adjective and a noun or pronoun - like "Zestful chestfull". This you kept to yourself, since it was to be the ultimate answer the others were to guess from the clues you furnish them.
To the gathering you give hints in two parts: (1) a (preferably funny) dictionary-type deftnition of your rhyming words (which must, incidentally, be the same length) and (2) the number of syllables in your chosen words. Stink Pink = one syllable, stinky pinky = two, stinkity pinkity = three, and for every added syllable add in another "it". Example: "Actress with a more-so torso, stinky pinky". The answer:"zestfull chestfull".
If anyone comes up with a word set of more than four syllables they should be classed as genius, above the hoi-polio, and should be down in the village drinking Scotch with the intellectuals, not playing silly word games at our party, where no one would guess the damn thing anyhow. Two examples did surface at our games - ineffectual intellectual and comprehensible reprehensible - and, as expected, they stumped our partiers completely. The perpetrator, it turned out, had browsed the dictionary for a week to come up with them.
In the eventuality this game intrigues anyone enough to try, here is a set of sample Stink Pinks we brain-stormed for you.
What is a burlesk stripper on the bumps-and-brinds circuit called, stink-pink?
What is a municipal jester, stink-pink?
What would a happy father be, stink-pink and stinky-pinky??
What is a desert song, stink-pionk?
What is a censosr's most used article of equipment, stinky-pinky?
What is a baby with a lack of social responsibility, stinky-pinky?
What is a gal with the moaning after the night before, stinky-pinky?
What is a honey-dipped lieutenant junior-grade, stinky-pinky?
What is the luscious fruit growing around a sandy clime, stink-pink?
What is swimming in a sewer, stinky-pinky?
What is a beautifu, but dumb, gal with "identical" charms, stinky-pinky?
What is lettuce cut up without dressing, stinky-pinky?
What is a skinny spook, stink-pink?
What's an African cat caretaker known as, stinky-pinky?
What are French post cards, stinkitity-pinkitity?
ANSWERS:
Lewd Nude
Town Clown
Glad Dad, Happy Pappy
Dune Tune
Quizzer's Scissors
Piddling Kidling
Blearie Dearie
Gooey Looey
Beach Peach
Muciing Ducking
Simple Dimples
Daring Paring
Gaunt Haunt
Leopard Shepherd
Pornography Photography
This game even made it into a popular Sunday section newspaper column of this earlier era, titled Charlie Rice's Punchbowl. He called it "Hink-Pink". He did a column and invited readership send-ins and was inundated with 3,000 responses.
This game was actually so widespread that a comic strip titled "On Stage", by Leonard Starr, featured it one Sunday. He called it the Rhymie-Stymie game, though, and came up with such stunning rhyming sets as unilateral collateral (one-sided security), enigmatical sabbatical (puzzling vacation), endemic polymic (localized controversy), lexiphanic mechanic (phrase-mongering machinist), abecedarian parliamentaraian (novice statesman)
Monday, September 5, 2016
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Fool's Names Like Fool's Faces..."
"Fool's names like fool's faces are always seen in public places!" was a comment always forthcoming from my grandmother upon seeing any public place defiled with the "tag" of some graffiti "artist".
I, on the other hand, have rather enjoyed the other side of the on-going graffiti defacing war, the humor notes they invite from graffiti observers, like the sign found on a backstage wall at our local amateur theater building when the building was inspected and found unsafe: "Please don't write your name on the walls. If you're good enough, we'll remember you."
A similar request was penned on a freshly painted classroom wall at the local college: "This is a partition, not a petition. No signatures required."
One of my all-time favorite graffiti-stoppers, though, was posted above a urinal in the men's room at a country store in Texas. It read, "Please note: The same fingers that remove the cigarette butts from this urinal are the ones that fix our hamburgers," The urinal was butt free!
Good advice goes right along with some nice philosophy in the world of graffiti. For instance, this appeared on the wall of a café in Austin, Tx: "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once." Pretty impressive thoughts to come out of a sojurn in a toilet!
Another worldly bit I have long remembered, but forgotten the source, is "Be yourself. Who else is better qualified?"
Sometimes bulletin board notices end up as second-hand humorous graffiti. "Will the thief who stole my jacket please return it?" was one such notice. Then it was addended the next day with "I found your jacket and intended to return it. But I don't like being called a thief! So I gave it to the Salvation Army." Cause and effect are not always in sync!
A similarly unexpected rejoinder was noted in an industrial building corridor filled with colorful posters bearing slogans intended to inspire employees. Under the exhortation "You Can - If You Will!" someone had amended, "You're Canned If You Won't!"
Office copy machines, I've noted, usually have an often necessary sign on them stating something like, "For problems, call extension 233". Just as often, the office wit will have added a comment. One I saw, for-example, read, 'No thanks - I have plenty of my own!" A lot of us recognize the feeling behind that!
I, on the other hand, have rather enjoyed the other side of the on-going graffiti defacing war, the humor notes they invite from graffiti observers, like the sign found on a backstage wall at our local amateur theater building when the building was inspected and found unsafe: "Please don't write your name on the walls. If you're good enough, we'll remember you."
A similar request was penned on a freshly painted classroom wall at the local college: "This is a partition, not a petition. No signatures required."
One of my all-time favorite graffiti-stoppers, though, was posted above a urinal in the men's room at a country store in Texas. It read, "Please note: The same fingers that remove the cigarette butts from this urinal are the ones that fix our hamburgers," The urinal was butt free!
Good advice goes right along with some nice philosophy in the world of graffiti. For instance, this appeared on the wall of a café in Austin, Tx: "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once." Pretty impressive thoughts to come out of a sojurn in a toilet!
Another worldly bit I have long remembered, but forgotten the source, is "Be yourself. Who else is better qualified?"
Sometimes bulletin board notices end up as second-hand humorous graffiti. "Will the thief who stole my jacket please return it?" was one such notice. Then it was addended the next day with "I found your jacket and intended to return it. But I don't like being called a thief! So I gave it to the Salvation Army." Cause and effect are not always in sync!
A similarly unexpected rejoinder was noted in an industrial building corridor filled with colorful posters bearing slogans intended to inspire employees. Under the exhortation "You Can - If You Will!" someone had amended, "You're Canned If You Won't!"
Office copy machines, I've noted, usually have an often necessary sign on them stating something like, "For problems, call extension 233". Just as often, the office wit will have added a comment. One I saw, for-example, read, 'No thanks - I have plenty of my own!" A lot of us recognize the feeling behind that!
Monday, August 29, 2016
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Flying Our Colors Correctly"
When the Olympics year is upon us again and some 150 national flags will fly in procession with our Stars and Stripes at the Games, it should behoove us Americans to learn a bit about vexillology.
Did the word stop your eye? It should. It's relatively new and unused. It's the study of flags, according to Dr. Whitney Smith, who should know, since he created the word in 1975 from the Latin vexillum, meaning "military standard".
Dr. Smith has written at least nine books while pursuing s special interest in vexillology, including having his hand in on compiling the mammoth research tome "Flags Through the Ages and Across the World" (McGraw-Hill).
Beyond the history of flags are the regulations each country lists for the display of its flag.
The U.S. has an entire Flag Code, which I included in my book The United States Flagbook, published by McFarland Press in 1996. Unfortunately, time, public ignorance and/or apathy toward the code and new material products have left this Code badly in need of revisions. (I spent five years researching everything about the flag and, after the book was published, wrote a letter to then-President Bill Clinton offering to take on a revision job, gratis. Never heard back.
The parts of the Code most often ignored are: (1) having the blue field always on its own right facing out (from a wall or a window or whatever, (2) taking the flag down at dusk and as specified in inclement weather, (3) displaying two or more American flags together, (4) always displaying it to the right or above any other type flags on display, and (5) wearing it in any way.
We should be proud enough of our country to take a little time and learn more about our Stars and Stripes, don't you think?
Did the word stop your eye? It should. It's relatively new and unused. It's the study of flags, according to Dr. Whitney Smith, who should know, since he created the word in 1975 from the Latin vexillum, meaning "military standard".
Dr. Smith has written at least nine books while pursuing s special interest in vexillology, including having his hand in on compiling the mammoth research tome "Flags Through the Ages and Across the World" (McGraw-Hill).
Beyond the history of flags are the regulations each country lists for the display of its flag.
The U.S. has an entire Flag Code, which I included in my book The United States Flagbook, published by McFarland Press in 1996. Unfortunately, time, public ignorance and/or apathy toward the code and new material products have left this Code badly in need of revisions. (I spent five years researching everything about the flag and, after the book was published, wrote a letter to then-President Bill Clinton offering to take on a revision job, gratis. Never heard back.
The parts of the Code most often ignored are: (1) having the blue field always on its own right facing out (from a wall or a window or whatever, (2) taking the flag down at dusk and as specified in inclement weather, (3) displaying two or more American flags together, (4) always displaying it to the right or above any other type flags on display, and (5) wearing it in any way.
We should be proud enough of our country to take a little time and learn more about our Stars and Stripes, don't you think?
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "The Hidden Meanings Behind Salesmens' Spiels"
At my advanced age I have heard just about every type of salesman's spiel they've been able to think up. They've made me a pessimist.
Start with financial advisors. A financial editor of the New York Journal American once defined a "Policy" as "a common substitute for good judgment". A "calculated risk" was "crap shooting on a corporate level". A "well-rounded program" was "an excuse for running off in all directions". An "attitude of watchful waiting" was "a dignified way of doing nothing".
Vacation folders have a jargon all their own too. When you read "conducive to complete relaxation", you will ultimately find out the place is "dead". "A charming atmosphere of rustic simplicity" will probably be found to mean "no inside plumbing". "Bathing nearby" really means "no swimming pool". "25 seasons under the same management" may be only a warning that they haven't been able to sell the place.
If you plan to attend a concert, beware of hidden meanings also. If the box office reports "Plenty of tickers", it may really have plenty, just not for the days you want. If they advertise "Orchestra seats - Close to stage" you may have to play an instrument to sit there.
And, how could I leave out auto service department dialogue? Here are some of the standard excuses you may hear there:
"They all do that!" (The real meaning is more like, "We've never seen this problem before and we don't know the cause of it, but we think you'll feel better if you think you're not the only one.")
"We're waiting for a part." ("We may have ordered the wrong part and now the computer is down and we can't remember what we needed in the first place.")
"We're test driving it right now." ("The guys have driven your car to a bar for lunch and will be back in an hour or so.")
"There is some additional work we'd recommend." ("The test drive back from the bar resulted in a cracked muffler and a broken rearview mirror, which we have already replaced, but which we want you to pay for.")
Television folk have their own sales jargon as well.
"A Meaningful Drama" may be any program about grubby people in trouble, which has a sad ending.
"A Public Service Program" is probably a cultural or news show that attracts little sponsor interest, receives bad ratings, but often has good critical reports.
"Controversial content" may be any subject which has conflicting points of view so its treatment is bound to result in a flurry of complaints, especially in Washington, DC.
"Adult entertainment" is usually a talky show which features once-forbidden topics, cussing and off-color jokes.
"Family entertainment" leaves little to include but kid shows moved to prime time.
"Children's Programming" isn't much more than advertising for toys, candy and peanut butter.
"Mature Viewers" are pretty forgotten by sponsors unless they manufacture a denture cleanser or pain reliever.
No wonder I'm a pessimist. The only wonder is that there aren't more of us!
Start with financial advisors. A financial editor of the New York Journal American once defined a "Policy" as "a common substitute for good judgment". A "calculated risk" was "crap shooting on a corporate level". A "well-rounded program" was "an excuse for running off in all directions". An "attitude of watchful waiting" was "a dignified way of doing nothing".
Vacation folders have a jargon all their own too. When you read "conducive to complete relaxation", you will ultimately find out the place is "dead". "A charming atmosphere of rustic simplicity" will probably be found to mean "no inside plumbing". "Bathing nearby" really means "no swimming pool". "25 seasons under the same management" may be only a warning that they haven't been able to sell the place.
If you plan to attend a concert, beware of hidden meanings also. If the box office reports "Plenty of tickers", it may really have plenty, just not for the days you want. If they advertise "Orchestra seats - Close to stage" you may have to play an instrument to sit there.
And, how could I leave out auto service department dialogue? Here are some of the standard excuses you may hear there:
"They all do that!" (The real meaning is more like, "We've never seen this problem before and we don't know the cause of it, but we think you'll feel better if you think you're not the only one.")
"We're waiting for a part." ("We may have ordered the wrong part and now the computer is down and we can't remember what we needed in the first place.")
"We're test driving it right now." ("The guys have driven your car to a bar for lunch and will be back in an hour or so.")
"There is some additional work we'd recommend." ("The test drive back from the bar resulted in a cracked muffler and a broken rearview mirror, which we have already replaced, but which we want you to pay for.")
Television folk have their own sales jargon as well.
"A Meaningful Drama" may be any program about grubby people in trouble, which has a sad ending.
"A Public Service Program" is probably a cultural or news show that attracts little sponsor interest, receives bad ratings, but often has good critical reports.
"Controversial content" may be any subject which has conflicting points of view so its treatment is bound to result in a flurry of complaints, especially in Washington, DC.
"Adult entertainment" is usually a talky show which features once-forbidden topics, cussing and off-color jokes.
"Family entertainment" leaves little to include but kid shows moved to prime time.
"Children's Programming" isn't much more than advertising for toys, candy and peanut butter.
"Mature Viewers" are pretty forgotten by sponsors unless they manufacture a denture cleanser or pain reliever.
No wonder I'm a pessimist. The only wonder is that there aren't more of us!
Sunday, August 21, 2016
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Candid Cameos"
Was doing some masticatin' the muslin with a buddy recently which got out of hand and turned silly, but I thought I'd share some of it, anyhow, since it's been a slow day.
I love to watch:
two frugal friends trying to out-fumble each other for the bar tab, since I'd already paid for the previous round.
a smooooth operator striking out with a girl everybody has dated.
well-tanned and turned legs in flaring mini-skirts. Much more intriguing than the same tanned legs in a bikini, for some odd reason!
the unbelievable gyrations of good hip-hop dancers.
the self-satisfied look of a girl who is sure every man in the place is watching her take off her coat.
the mailman holding back the questions he is dying to ask abaout the unusual mail I'm getting lately.
I hate to see:
that look of unbelief in a woman's eyes when I'm lying to her.
TV testimonials by inarticulate millionaire athletes.
men's room attendants. As if I haven't been doing everything there without their help all my life!
the bottom of a choice bottle, which I may not be able to replace.
teen agers driving cars years better than mine.
big men, or women, named "Tiny". Is that really funny?
Dear John letters to anyone. Aren't our lives beset by enough problems without getting punched in the heart?
I am sympathetic with:
a friend's expensive tastes and beer income.
the look of panic on the face of anyone with too many belts under their belt to keep them down.
anyone's struggle between boredom and politeness.
the results of anyone taking portrait selfies in a camera booth.
presidential candidates who don't know the meaning of "presidential".
anyone trying their first "chaw" of tobacco and no one told them not to swallow.
everyone...and, boy, do I hear a lot of troubles!
I'd like to forget:
trying to impress a date with her ex boyfriend sitting two tables over.
those moaning-afters when I get up looking just like my driver's license photo.
the erstwhile "friend" who set me up with a blind date with his girl friend's definitely desirable friend from out of town, only to find she's pregnant, divorced and looking for a new "daddy".(Set 'em up, bartender. That leads to serious forgetfulness.)
I love to watch:
two frugal friends trying to out-fumble each other for the bar tab, since I'd already paid for the previous round.
a smooooth operator striking out with a girl everybody has dated.
well-tanned and turned legs in flaring mini-skirts. Much more intriguing than the same tanned legs in a bikini, for some odd reason!
the unbelievable gyrations of good hip-hop dancers.
the self-satisfied look of a girl who is sure every man in the place is watching her take off her coat.
the mailman holding back the questions he is dying to ask abaout the unusual mail I'm getting lately.
I hate to see:
that look of unbelief in a woman's eyes when I'm lying to her.
TV testimonials by inarticulate millionaire athletes.
men's room attendants. As if I haven't been doing everything there without their help all my life!
the bottom of a choice bottle, which I may not be able to replace.
teen agers driving cars years better than mine.
big men, or women, named "Tiny". Is that really funny?
Dear John letters to anyone. Aren't our lives beset by enough problems without getting punched in the heart?
I am sympathetic with:
a friend's expensive tastes and beer income.
the look of panic on the face of anyone with too many belts under their belt to keep them down.
anyone's struggle between boredom and politeness.
the results of anyone taking portrait selfies in a camera booth.
presidential candidates who don't know the meaning of "presidential".
anyone trying their first "chaw" of tobacco and no one told them not to swallow.
everyone...and, boy, do I hear a lot of troubles!
I'd like to forget:
trying to impress a date with her ex boyfriend sitting two tables over.
those moaning-afters when I get up looking just like my driver's license photo.
the erstwhile "friend" who set me up with a blind date with his girl friend's definitely desirable friend from out of town, only to find she's pregnant, divorced and looking for a new "daddy".(Set 'em up, bartender. That leads to serious forgetfulness.)
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
August 13 is Left-Handed Day
What if you spent every day in a backward world, with everything working against you? Zipper pulls were on the wrong side of your jeans, shirts and jackets buttoned the wrong way, knives were sharpened on the wrong side for cutting, pots and pans had their spouts on the wrong sides, doorknobs and corkscrews turned the wrong way, gear shift levers were on the wrong side of the car, and so on all day, every day? That's how left-handed people live their lives.
From the time they are old enough to listen, left-handers - an estimated one-tenth of the world's population - have had it drilled into them that left-handedness is wrong. Even worse, many have been told it is inferior. That may go clear back to the days of the ancient Romans when it was common thought that lefties were immoral. According to studies in the U.S. in more recent years, it was reported lefties lived nine years less than righties, were three times more likely to suffer immune disorders, were more likely to become alcoholics and to go insane. In rebuttal, one jokester noted that "since the right side of the brain governs the left side of the body, then left-handed persons are the only ones in their right minds!"
In spite of all this negativity, it hasn't bothered seven men who wanted to be President of the U.S. That group includes Herbert Hoover, Harry Truman, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. James Garfield might be added. He was, in fact, ambidextrous, able to write different languages with each hand simultaneously.
In American schools, for many years of my youth, penmanship teachers tried to force children with a leftie disposition to write right, usually with the blessing of the parents. It was a problem because penmanship teachers didn't know how to teach lefties. I never saw a left-handed penmanship teacher.
Changing was for their own good, because from then on they were going to face a predominantly right-handed world. Even the school desks were made for right-handed writers then. I watched the lefties write with their hands "hooked" almost upside-down over the lines they wrote. In order to see what they were writing and to avoid dragging their hands across their writing, they had to be contortionists.
Only in fairly recent years have lefties been able to find baseball gloves or golf clubs. Scissors were very difficult to use. Wristwatches had to be worn upside-down Playing cards were printed so they couldn't be read when fanned in the right hand. Left-handed violinists or guitar players had to re-string their instruments to play and left-handed saxophonists didn't exist. Even gum wrappers were hard to open for lefties.
Job hunting had its drawbacks for lefties too. Tools of the trades in every type job from lathe operator to cashier, from dentist to bookkeeper were made backwards for lefties. Using a typical power saw was an invitation to become a righty permanently!
There are several reasons why this became a right-handed world. Family genes is one. A study of 5,000 left-handers found that, if your mother was left-handed, even if your father was not, you would probably be a leftie. But, beyond that, human culture itself is to blame: warfare, etiquette, religion and superstition and the aforementioned education.
From the days of the Roman legions that conquered the world as they knew it, warfare has played a big part. Armor and arms were made for right-handed use. Customs grew up whereby clasping right arms (gradually evolving into the handshake) and placing an honored guest to a person's right showed trust and friendship, since the right was the defense arm and such show made a person vulnerable to attack. Later the bolt-action rifle was a lefty's nightmare, so that all World War II soldiers were required to shoot right-handed, even if proved they couldn't hit the broad side of a barn that way.
The Greek language is filled with words, which have been passed on to us, denigrating the left. Ancient religion and superstition were often tied to the sun's movement. Thus, the right, or movement to the right, became good and Godly while the opposite automatically became bad. The word "left" in Old English meant "weak", in German meant "awkward".
In Muslim countries the right hand has been used for centuries as the pot-dipping or feeding hand, while the left has been used exclusively for cleaning oneself at the toilet. A left-hander could thus commit a grievous breach of etiquette without knowing it, if the Arab culture wasn't understood.
In more recent years some counties - the U.S., Great Britain and Japan, for instances - have started doing something about this plight of our most unrecognized and misunderstood minority. In the U.S. there is a Left Handers International, located in Topeka, KS, which promotes an annual convention and will mail a glossy publication, that includes a catalog of items for lefties, and printed articles on topics like the biological origins of left-handedness. There is also a League of Left Handers and an International Left Handers Society. Japan has a left-hander's league with about 1500 members.
Being a leftie is no longer considered an aberration, but a specialized sales market. One of the early best-known markets was Aristers Company of Westport, CT. They handled such erotic ware as backward-running watches, booklets for left-handed needlecraft and calligraphy, and T-shirts that read "Leftys do it better!" Other early specialty shops in the U.S. included Left-Handed Complements in Jamaica Plains, MA; Left-Handed Solutions in New York; Left Hand World in San Francisco, Lefties Corner in Indiana, The Southpaw Shoppe in San Diego and Southpaw Unlimited in Rochester, NY. One of the earliest to see this need, in 1967, was a London shop called Anything Left-Handed, which a left-handed married couple opened.
Some bright teachers have shown that left-writers can turn their papers parallel to their arms to uncramp them. This led to more utilitarian school desks and to a host of writing materials - notebooks, fast-drying inks, rulers with reversed reading measurements, T-squares, address books and even checkbooks.
Schools, like the University of Washington, changed its dentistry school lab so equipment was usable for both left and right-handed workers. Fast food palace Burger King announced a left-handed Whopper, and had a big call for it, until it turned out to be an April Fool prank (in 1996).
Noting all this improvement in their lives, leftys might well give a cheer, "Left on!"
From the time they are old enough to listen, left-handers - an estimated one-tenth of the world's population - have had it drilled into them that left-handedness is wrong. Even worse, many have been told it is inferior. That may go clear back to the days of the ancient Romans when it was common thought that lefties were immoral. According to studies in the U.S. in more recent years, it was reported lefties lived nine years less than righties, were three times more likely to suffer immune disorders, were more likely to become alcoholics and to go insane. In rebuttal, one jokester noted that "since the right side of the brain governs the left side of the body, then left-handed persons are the only ones in their right minds!"
In spite of all this negativity, it hasn't bothered seven men who wanted to be President of the U.S. That group includes Herbert Hoover, Harry Truman, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. James Garfield might be added. He was, in fact, ambidextrous, able to write different languages with each hand simultaneously.
In American schools, for many years of my youth, penmanship teachers tried to force children with a leftie disposition to write right, usually with the blessing of the parents. It was a problem because penmanship teachers didn't know how to teach lefties. I never saw a left-handed penmanship teacher.
Changing was for their own good, because from then on they were going to face a predominantly right-handed world. Even the school desks were made for right-handed writers then. I watched the lefties write with their hands "hooked" almost upside-down over the lines they wrote. In order to see what they were writing and to avoid dragging their hands across their writing, they had to be contortionists.
Only in fairly recent years have lefties been able to find baseball gloves or golf clubs. Scissors were very difficult to use. Wristwatches had to be worn upside-down Playing cards were printed so they couldn't be read when fanned in the right hand. Left-handed violinists or guitar players had to re-string their instruments to play and left-handed saxophonists didn't exist. Even gum wrappers were hard to open for lefties.
Job hunting had its drawbacks for lefties too. Tools of the trades in every type job from lathe operator to cashier, from dentist to bookkeeper were made backwards for lefties. Using a typical power saw was an invitation to become a righty permanently!
There are several reasons why this became a right-handed world. Family genes is one. A study of 5,000 left-handers found that, if your mother was left-handed, even if your father was not, you would probably be a leftie. But, beyond that, human culture itself is to blame: warfare, etiquette, religion and superstition and the aforementioned education.
From the days of the Roman legions that conquered the world as they knew it, warfare has played a big part. Armor and arms were made for right-handed use. Customs grew up whereby clasping right arms (gradually evolving into the handshake) and placing an honored guest to a person's right showed trust and friendship, since the right was the defense arm and such show made a person vulnerable to attack. Later the bolt-action rifle was a lefty's nightmare, so that all World War II soldiers were required to shoot right-handed, even if proved they couldn't hit the broad side of a barn that way.
The Greek language is filled with words, which have been passed on to us, denigrating the left. Ancient religion and superstition were often tied to the sun's movement. Thus, the right, or movement to the right, became good and Godly while the opposite automatically became bad. The word "left" in Old English meant "weak", in German meant "awkward".
In Muslim countries the right hand has been used for centuries as the pot-dipping or feeding hand, while the left has been used exclusively for cleaning oneself at the toilet. A left-hander could thus commit a grievous breach of etiquette without knowing it, if the Arab culture wasn't understood.
In more recent years some counties - the U.S., Great Britain and Japan, for instances - have started doing something about this plight of our most unrecognized and misunderstood minority. In the U.S. there is a Left Handers International, located in Topeka, KS, which promotes an annual convention and will mail a glossy publication, that includes a catalog of items for lefties, and printed articles on topics like the biological origins of left-handedness. There is also a League of Left Handers and an International Left Handers Society. Japan has a left-hander's league with about 1500 members.
Being a leftie is no longer considered an aberration, but a specialized sales market. One of the early best-known markets was Aristers Company of Westport, CT. They handled such erotic ware as backward-running watches, booklets for left-handed needlecraft and calligraphy, and T-shirts that read "Leftys do it better!" Other early specialty shops in the U.S. included Left-Handed Complements in Jamaica Plains, MA; Left-Handed Solutions in New York; Left Hand World in San Francisco, Lefties Corner in Indiana, The Southpaw Shoppe in San Diego and Southpaw Unlimited in Rochester, NY. One of the earliest to see this need, in 1967, was a London shop called Anything Left-Handed, which a left-handed married couple opened.
Some bright teachers have shown that left-writers can turn their papers parallel to their arms to uncramp them. This led to more utilitarian school desks and to a host of writing materials - notebooks, fast-drying inks, rulers with reversed reading measurements, T-squares, address books and even checkbooks.
Schools, like the University of Washington, changed its dentistry school lab so equipment was usable for both left and right-handed workers. Fast food palace Burger King announced a left-handed Whopper, and had a big call for it, until it turned out to be an April Fool prank (in 1996).
Noting all this improvement in their lives, leftys might well give a cheer, "Left on!"
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