"Why did the chicken cross the road?" has been a question most often used as an entre to a humorous answer in bits at the bottom of periodicals' pages, like in Reader's Digest. But my personal favorite collection - possibly because of my fling in exotic academe - comes from a University of Oregon Philosophy Department Web page of some time ago. Here are the answers those philosophers, more than somewhat tongue-in-cheek, came up with:
Plato: "For the greater good."
Karl Marx: "It was a historical inevitability."
Nietzsche: "Because, if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you."
B.F.Skinner: "Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium since birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will."
Jean-Paul Sartre: "In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road."
Albert Einstein: "Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference."
Pyrrho the Skeptic: "What road?"
The Sphinx: "You tell me."
Buddha: "If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature."
Emily Dickinson: "Because it could not stop for death."
Ralph Waldo Emerson: "It didn't cross the road, it transcended it."
Mark Twain: "The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated."
As a humor ploy, this question has become almost rhetorical - like a mere shilly-shally for someone unable to make up his or her mind toward a problematic decision. But the above answer group does point up the theme for this blog entry - the humor in rhetorical questions. Some of my choicest finds have been:
Did God invent time to keep everything from happening at once?
Why are so many of today's economic problems yesterday's solutions?
Why is it that, when you run into a man with real enthusiasm for hard work, he turns out to be your boss?
Why is it that the whisper of temptation can be heard farther than the loudest call to duty?
If there is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, what is at the beginning"
Why do we never hear father-in-law jokes?
How can banks charge a fee for "'insufficient funds'?"
Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them?
How come Tarzan never had a beard?
Have you ever noticed that, on soap operas, they never watch soap operas?
How do they get "Keep off the grass" signs on the grass?
When Frenchmen swear do they say, "Pardon my English?"
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't "phonetics" spelled the way it sounds?
Why is a package sent by land carrier called a shipment, while a package sent by ship is called cargo?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
Why do we say "TV set" when it's a single item?
Have you noticed that the things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first?
Why do we call them "apartments" when they are attached to each other?
While astronauts are already weightless, how will a Slim-Fast diet affect them?
When dogs bark for hours on end, why don't they get hoarse?
When I walk my dog - considering he has twice as many legs as I do - is he getting twice as much exercise as I am or half as much?
Do fish ever sneeze?
What is the purpose of ear lobes, other than to hang things on?
In the extreme Northern and Southern Hemispheres, where it is light for half the year and dark for the other half, do roosters crow only once a year?
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
COMICAL REAL ESTATE CLASSIFIEDS
It's rather amazing what a bit of humor and imagination can do in business. Take, for example, a friend of mine starting his own small realty office. One of the first properties listed with him was a house really needing repairs. The ad he went with stated: "The ideal home for the do-it-yourselfer. Needs a little work, but the price is right." Then he listed the price and added, "Comes with a brand new hammer, free of charge." It sold quite quickly.
Even more of a smiler was the ad in a Texas paper in an air base town: "Five dollars reward for furnishing house or apartment for officer's family. Have twin boys, aged 3, but will drown them if you insist. Dial ,,,,".
On the other hand, there are more elite realtors. One ad from such a one awhile back in Greenwich Village stated, "Loveliest old house of West Fourth, $30,000, four floors filled with priceless antiques, furniture, drapes, china, etc. Shown only to Americans of class."
It never hurts to list those extras. Note the ad for a "Modern house with four bedrooms, 3 baths and rumpus room in the cellar. Extra attraction: the family next door is building a swimming pool."
It was only a short time after that ad appeared that a sign appeared on that property, stating only, "Too Late!"
Perhaps the oddest ad I've come across was listed by a Mr. Norman Pickersgill in Wakefield, England. He was trying to sell his bathroom. The catch was that - though it had modern equipment and was a neat little rustic brick structure with a red tiled roof - it stood all alone in the middle of a 3 1/2-acre field.
The realtor explained that Norman, a grocer, used to live in a trailer in that field and, since the trailer didn't boast a bathroom, he had spent 400 pounds ($1,200) building one adjacent.
But the previous month Norman had moved into a house and he wanted to sell the field - but whoever buys it has to take the bathroom too.
Another offbeat ad was in the Stanford University daily newspaper: "Wanted: large house for 47 young men. Must have 16 different addresses." Responses were to be directed to the house manager of a fraternity group who had been forbidden, after an unusually boisterous long-lasting party, "to allow more than three members to live at the same address".
Sometimes the most simple-seeming ads have the wildest background stories. A soft sell ad from the real estate page of London's Observer listed: "Victorian residence in fashionable Chelsea. Lease 51 years. Bargain: 7850 pounds." Some scamp on the staff visited the site and was moved to josh the rest of the story.
"This squat, rather repellent early Victorian lower middle class residence offers to the dull and comfortably off an interesting background of squalor previously available only to the very poor. The decor, where it is not garish cheap wallpaper, is a fashionable mud brown - or is it only dirt? The intercommunicating doors of the two rather mean living rooms have been torn away, giving one a 26-foot room for parties, with a lavatory basin conveniently placed at one end where one can wash one's hands after greeting the dirtier guests. Six other rooms. The kitchen sink, in the corner of most of them, lends a touch of social realism. A particularly foul subterranean bathroom, with antique bath, coal-fired clothes broiler. I could find only one lav, but there is a small foul patch of earth behind house, which only an English Estate Agent would call a garden, wherein, as Swift put it, a woman could "pluck a rose".
Idt takes all kinds, even in the realtor profession!
Even more of a smiler was the ad in a Texas paper in an air base town: "Five dollars reward for furnishing house or apartment for officer's family. Have twin boys, aged 3, but will drown them if you insist. Dial ,,,,".
On the other hand, there are more elite realtors. One ad from such a one awhile back in Greenwich Village stated, "Loveliest old house of West Fourth, $30,000, four floors filled with priceless antiques, furniture, drapes, china, etc. Shown only to Americans of class."
It never hurts to list those extras. Note the ad for a "Modern house with four bedrooms, 3 baths and rumpus room in the cellar. Extra attraction: the family next door is building a swimming pool."
It was only a short time after that ad appeared that a sign appeared on that property, stating only, "Too Late!"
Perhaps the oddest ad I've come across was listed by a Mr. Norman Pickersgill in Wakefield, England. He was trying to sell his bathroom. The catch was that - though it had modern equipment and was a neat little rustic brick structure with a red tiled roof - it stood all alone in the middle of a 3 1/2-acre field.
The realtor explained that Norman, a grocer, used to live in a trailer in that field and, since the trailer didn't boast a bathroom, he had spent 400 pounds ($1,200) building one adjacent.
But the previous month Norman had moved into a house and he wanted to sell the field - but whoever buys it has to take the bathroom too.
Another offbeat ad was in the Stanford University daily newspaper: "Wanted: large house for 47 young men. Must have 16 different addresses." Responses were to be directed to the house manager of a fraternity group who had been forbidden, after an unusually boisterous long-lasting party, "to allow more than three members to live at the same address".
Sometimes the most simple-seeming ads have the wildest background stories. A soft sell ad from the real estate page of London's Observer listed: "Victorian residence in fashionable Chelsea. Lease 51 years. Bargain: 7850 pounds." Some scamp on the staff visited the site and was moved to josh the rest of the story.
"This squat, rather repellent early Victorian lower middle class residence offers to the dull and comfortably off an interesting background of squalor previously available only to the very poor. The decor, where it is not garish cheap wallpaper, is a fashionable mud brown - or is it only dirt? The intercommunicating doors of the two rather mean living rooms have been torn away, giving one a 26-foot room for parties, with a lavatory basin conveniently placed at one end where one can wash one's hands after greeting the dirtier guests. Six other rooms. The kitchen sink, in the corner of most of them, lends a touch of social realism. A particularly foul subterranean bathroom, with antique bath, coal-fired clothes broiler. I could find only one lav, but there is a small foul patch of earth behind house, which only an English Estate Agent would call a garden, wherein, as Swift put it, a woman could "pluck a rose".
Idt takes all kinds, even in the realtor profession!
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Out of the Mouths of Babes...
Out of the mouths of youngsters come some of the most embarrassing remarks their parents ever made.
Youngsterisms can also be surprisingly logical with their answers. Like the six-year old, lost in a supermarket and hollering "Martha! Martha!" at top lung power. He was chided by his mother, after they were reunited, that he shouldn't call her Martha, but Mother." His reply, "I know, but this store is FULLA mothers!"
Or the moppet lunching off a place mat featuring the nursery rhyme Hey Diddle Diddle, where he gazed with solemn eyes at the Mother Goose scene of the cow jumping over the moon. Pretty soon he turned to his mother and said, "Isn't that silly? It would take at least a three-stage rocket to reach the moon."
Or the little girl in the toy shop when a clerk showed her an elaborate doll. "Now this model walks, talks, cries and drinks," rhapsodied the clerk. "Oh, I have a baby sister who does all that," the tot replied scornfully, "I just want a doll."
Another little girl, attending her first auto show with her dad, watched in wonder as a new Pontiac revolved slowly under very bright spotlights. "Daddy, LOOK! They're barbecuing a car."
I reminded a young neighbor boy he had forgotten his sweater, laying on a porch swing, when he started to leave after visiting with me. "Yeah," he answered, "that's just something I have to put on when my mom gets chilly."
That's the same kid who explained the age of a new neighbor to me this way, "He's so little he isn't even a number yet." And, in arguing with his little sister, ended that tiff with, "Your brain is just like a Teflon frying pan. Nothing will stick to it."
Just as bright was the comment of a four-year-old upon arising shortly before dawn with his mother, who was tending her new baby. "Mommy, Jesus has turned on the lights."
Then there was the family that lent its pet hamster to a neighbor to mate with his female, with the result being seven new hamsters. The neighbor thought this a good time to acquaint his nine-year-old son with the tale of the birds and bees. "Son, you probably have some questions about the hamsters and their new babies," he said as introduction. "Yes, I do," the boy replied. "Can I charge a stud fee?"
Even five-year-olds can be practical like that. Overheard in a department store was this moppet studying the escalator. "What do they do when the basement gets full of steps?" she asked.
Which puts an exclamation point on Herbert V. Prochnow's statement, "If children didn't ask questions, how could they find out that we know so little?"
(Credit, in order, La Vida Witkowski, The United Mine Workers Journal, Mrs. L. Binder in the Catholic Digest, San Diego Union, Mary L. Cotton of Memphis, TN, Minneapolis Tribune Almanac, Unkn own,
Youngsterisms can also be surprisingly logical with their answers. Like the six-year old, lost in a supermarket and hollering "Martha! Martha!" at top lung power. He was chided by his mother, after they were reunited, that he shouldn't call her Martha, but Mother." His reply, "I know, but this store is FULLA mothers!"
Or the moppet lunching off a place mat featuring the nursery rhyme Hey Diddle Diddle, where he gazed with solemn eyes at the Mother Goose scene of the cow jumping over the moon. Pretty soon he turned to his mother and said, "Isn't that silly? It would take at least a three-stage rocket to reach the moon."
Or the little girl in the toy shop when a clerk showed her an elaborate doll. "Now this model walks, talks, cries and drinks," rhapsodied the clerk. "Oh, I have a baby sister who does all that," the tot replied scornfully, "I just want a doll."
Another little girl, attending her first auto show with her dad, watched in wonder as a new Pontiac revolved slowly under very bright spotlights. "Daddy, LOOK! They're barbecuing a car."
I reminded a young neighbor boy he had forgotten his sweater, laying on a porch swing, when he started to leave after visiting with me. "Yeah," he answered, "that's just something I have to put on when my mom gets chilly."
That's the same kid who explained the age of a new neighbor to me this way, "He's so little he isn't even a number yet." And, in arguing with his little sister, ended that tiff with, "Your brain is just like a Teflon frying pan. Nothing will stick to it."
Just as bright was the comment of a four-year-old upon arising shortly before dawn with his mother, who was tending her new baby. "Mommy, Jesus has turned on the lights."
Then there was the family that lent its pet hamster to a neighbor to mate with his female, with the result being seven new hamsters. The neighbor thought this a good time to acquaint his nine-year-old son with the tale of the birds and bees. "Son, you probably have some questions about the hamsters and their new babies," he said as introduction. "Yes, I do," the boy replied. "Can I charge a stud fee?"
Even five-year-olds can be practical like that. Overheard in a department store was this moppet studying the escalator. "What do they do when the basement gets full of steps?" she asked.
Which puts an exclamation point on Herbert V. Prochnow's statement, "If children didn't ask questions, how could they find out that we know so little?"
(Credit, in order, La Vida Witkowski, The United Mine Workers Journal, Mrs. L. Binder in the Catholic Digest, San Diego Union, Mary L. Cotton of Memphis, TN, Minneapolis Tribune Almanac, Unkn own,
Monday, January 19, 2015
THINGS I WOULDN'T KNOW IF I DIDN'T READ
I've always had a curious bent of mind, so I've always read voraciously. I subscribe to six magazines and receive three university alumni magazines and read them all. This, in itself, is not an education. I got that first via several colleges, earning two BA degrees, an MA and nearly through a PhD (before finding out I was no longer interested in the field the PhD encompassed). Therein lies the problem with college educations - mind and interest changes, which can't easily be re-channeled.. But I don't begrudge the time in school. It taught me there are myriad other less stereotypical ways to learn whatever it is one wants to learn. And reading is high on the list.
This column, in fact, will be comprised of items of interest I wouldn't have known if I didn't read.
The most fascinating thing I've been reading about is the 3-Dimensional printer, in the December 2014 issue of National Geographic. Also called "additive manufacturing", it has actually been around for about 30 years. The quick pace of advances is why it is such current news.
It works pretty much the same way a desktop printer does. Instead of using ink, though, it "prints" in plastic,wax, resin, wood, concrete, gold, titanium, carbon fiber, chocolate, and even living tissue. It builds an object a bit at a time, placing material only where it needs to be. Thus, it can make geometrically complex objects that can't be made by injecting material into molds, often at considerable savings in weight with no loss in strength.
Thousands of digital designs are already available on Thingiverse.com where anyone can download the blueprint to "print" out objects from chess pieces to napkin rings to World of Warcraft characters. Rapidly evolving technology has already seen printed rocket engine parts, chocolate figurines, replica pistols, a Dutch canal house, designer sunglasses, pizzas, a two-seater car, a rowboat and a prototype bionic human ear. The world's smallest lithium battery, just a millimeter wide, has been made to power medical implants. Harvard researchers have printed living tissue interlaced with blood vessels. The blocks needed to build a 13-room house will be printed with a specially developed bioplastic compound that is 80% vegetable oil.
So it is easy to see why this has intrigued me.
Next, computer technology! Within a single generation it has developed exponentially. A computer can now be snapped together from a kit - by Kano, $99 - and it can help users learn code and build games!
Because easily accessible drinking water is scarce in Peru, a tech college there, with the aid of local scientists and advertising firm FCB Mayo, developed a billboard for the school that draws moisture from the air, purifies it, then sends the water to a reservoir where locals can fill up tanks to take home.
Fastcompany.com followed up this story with one from Mexico City's Manuel Gea Gonzalez Hospital, which last year unveiled a "smog-eating" facade covered with titanium dioxide, a catalyst that breaks down pollutants from a thousand cars per day into less harmful compounds, then neutralizes them. Next year Milan will open Palazzo Italia, a six-story pavilion with "air-cleaning cement" exterior.
A new 2014 company named VMatter sells knives harder than steel with a glass-like finish that maintain sharpness and resist bacteria and rust. Injection molded, rather than cast and polished, they can be manufactured with less waste. An immediate fan of the $150 to $400 costing knives was co-host Geoffrey Zakarian of Food Network's The Kitchen program.
The new (in 2014) DC59 Motorhead vacuum claims to have out-cleaned the top five best selling full-size vacuums across both carpets and hard floors in independent floor care tests. And the user doesn't have to wrestle a cord around with it!
Cycling's not-for-profit Oregon Manifest challenged five designers to create bicycles for better ways of conquering their own cities' terrains (Seattle, San Francisco, New York, Chicago and Portland, Oregon) in 2014. The winner was Sizemore Bicycle of Seattle, Washington. To be sold in 2015, their bike will encompass removable handle bars that form a sturdy U-lock so other security is unnecessary, lights that illuminate when the bike starts to move and brighten as the sky darkens, a cleaner belt drive instead of an oiled chain, rubber-bristled fender brushes that sweep water off the tires, and an electric-powered pedal assist that turns on automatically to tackle Seattle's notoriously steep hills.
Fastcoexist.com reports that a former New York City firefighter has done a drastic redesign of the old fire hydrant, which has been notorious for breaking, leaking and freezing. The new model is also tamper-proof.
As a lifetime writer, the dictionary has been my constant companion and it never ceases to amaze me how it keeps growing. Just recently I've come across words in print that are not yet in it. First noted was "dataclysm", found in an article about Christian Rudder's new book titled "Who We Are (When We Think No One Is Looking). The term is used to describe dating data collected by his OK Cupid dating site.
Another made-up word is "staycation". It refers to vacationing comfortably and inexpensively by staying home. Don't remember where I read it. Still another is "dogoir", which describes a memoir about a pet dog, from "Our Dog Years" by David Dudley in Jan 2015 AARP, The Magazine. "Thinspire" is also new, used as the title of a book by a lady who was inspired to lose a large amount of weight. "Mansplaining" is from another book, "Men Explain Things to Me" by Rebecca Solnit. It's "an essay collection about the ways women's voices get silenced in a world of tired rhetoric and the same faux-feminist solutions to gender inequality", according to the Fast Company Magazine reviewer.
Another book you might find interesting is :"Don't Put That In There" by Aaron Carroll and Rachel Vreerman. They debunk myths about sex that everyone thinks are true, like having sex will help one lose weight. Actually, they report, "one would need to have sex 35 times, for 30 minutes at a time, to lose a pound". Our comment: What a wonderful way to commit suicide!
This column, in fact, will be comprised of items of interest I wouldn't have known if I didn't read.
The most fascinating thing I've been reading about is the 3-Dimensional printer, in the December 2014 issue of National Geographic. Also called "additive manufacturing", it has actually been around for about 30 years. The quick pace of advances is why it is such current news.
It works pretty much the same way a desktop printer does. Instead of using ink, though, it "prints" in plastic,wax, resin, wood, concrete, gold, titanium, carbon fiber, chocolate, and even living tissue. It builds an object a bit at a time, placing material only where it needs to be. Thus, it can make geometrically complex objects that can't be made by injecting material into molds, often at considerable savings in weight with no loss in strength.
Thousands of digital designs are already available on Thingiverse.com where anyone can download the blueprint to "print" out objects from chess pieces to napkin rings to World of Warcraft characters. Rapidly evolving technology has already seen printed rocket engine parts, chocolate figurines, replica pistols, a Dutch canal house, designer sunglasses, pizzas, a two-seater car, a rowboat and a prototype bionic human ear. The world's smallest lithium battery, just a millimeter wide, has been made to power medical implants. Harvard researchers have printed living tissue interlaced with blood vessels. The blocks needed to build a 13-room house will be printed with a specially developed bioplastic compound that is 80% vegetable oil.
So it is easy to see why this has intrigued me.
Next, computer technology! Within a single generation it has developed exponentially. A computer can now be snapped together from a kit - by Kano, $99 - and it can help users learn code and build games!
Because easily accessible drinking water is scarce in Peru, a tech college there, with the aid of local scientists and advertising firm FCB Mayo, developed a billboard for the school that draws moisture from the air, purifies it, then sends the water to a reservoir where locals can fill up tanks to take home.
Fastcompany.com followed up this story with one from Mexico City's Manuel Gea Gonzalez Hospital, which last year unveiled a "smog-eating" facade covered with titanium dioxide, a catalyst that breaks down pollutants from a thousand cars per day into less harmful compounds, then neutralizes them. Next year Milan will open Palazzo Italia, a six-story pavilion with "air-cleaning cement" exterior.
A new 2014 company named VMatter sells knives harder than steel with a glass-like finish that maintain sharpness and resist bacteria and rust. Injection molded, rather than cast and polished, they can be manufactured with less waste. An immediate fan of the $150 to $400 costing knives was co-host Geoffrey Zakarian of Food Network's The Kitchen program.
The new (in 2014) DC59 Motorhead vacuum claims to have out-cleaned the top five best selling full-size vacuums across both carpets and hard floors in independent floor care tests. And the user doesn't have to wrestle a cord around with it!
Cycling's not-for-profit Oregon Manifest challenged five designers to create bicycles for better ways of conquering their own cities' terrains (Seattle, San Francisco, New York, Chicago and Portland, Oregon) in 2014. The winner was Sizemore Bicycle of Seattle, Washington. To be sold in 2015, their bike will encompass removable handle bars that form a sturdy U-lock so other security is unnecessary, lights that illuminate when the bike starts to move and brighten as the sky darkens, a cleaner belt drive instead of an oiled chain, rubber-bristled fender brushes that sweep water off the tires, and an electric-powered pedal assist that turns on automatically to tackle Seattle's notoriously steep hills.
Fastcoexist.com reports that a former New York City firefighter has done a drastic redesign of the old fire hydrant, which has been notorious for breaking, leaking and freezing. The new model is also tamper-proof.
As a lifetime writer, the dictionary has been my constant companion and it never ceases to amaze me how it keeps growing. Just recently I've come across words in print that are not yet in it. First noted was "dataclysm", found in an article about Christian Rudder's new book titled "Who We Are (When We Think No One Is Looking). The term is used to describe dating data collected by his OK Cupid dating site.
Another made-up word is "staycation". It refers to vacationing comfortably and inexpensively by staying home. Don't remember where I read it. Still another is "dogoir", which describes a memoir about a pet dog, from "Our Dog Years" by David Dudley in Jan 2015 AARP, The Magazine. "Thinspire" is also new, used as the title of a book by a lady who was inspired to lose a large amount of weight. "Mansplaining" is from another book, "Men Explain Things to Me" by Rebecca Solnit. It's "an essay collection about the ways women's voices get silenced in a world of tired rhetoric and the same faux-feminist solutions to gender inequality", according to the Fast Company Magazine reviewer.
Another book you might find interesting is :"Don't Put That In There" by Aaron Carroll and Rachel Vreerman. They debunk myths about sex that everyone thinks are true, like having sex will help one lose weight. Actually, they report, "one would need to have sex 35 times, for 30 minutes at a time, to lose a pound". Our comment: What a wonderful way to commit suicide!
Monday, January 5, 2015
WHAT DOES A RUSSIAN JOKE ABOUT?
Even the Kremlin can't stop up a peoples' sense of humor!
The common view of Communism is that there is nothing funny about it. But the average person in Russia is really not like the American-imagined stereotype, according to Gene Sosin, an expatriot Russian who does guest speaking sessions for American dollars. He says the average Russian citizen is no more ignorant of what is going on there than the American citizen is ignorant of the ills of his society. So, what they cannot change they poke fun it, the same as American do.
Russian jokes are their way to protest the system and the problems it has brought them, without getting them arrested. For example, Sosin says, they may define the difference between Communism and capitalism this way: In capitalism you have the exploitation of man by man; in Communism you have just the opposite!
Sometimes the humor is in a riddle. Example: "What is the transitional stage between socialism and Communism?" Answer: "Alcoholism."
Of course no one actually speaks out about the government, because the secret police are still everywhere. But a joke gets a point across nearly as well. Here is one Sosin tells:
"All the great Egyptologists of the world were gathered in Egypt where a great new tomb was found and opened. Inside was a mummy, and they were all trying to decide what pharaoh it might be. Several countries' experts tried modern techniques and failed in the identification. Finally the Russians sent in their experts. After three days they came out and stated, "It is Ramses the 14th."
"How did you find out? everyone wanted to know.
"He confessed of his own accord," they said.
And, just as jokes are made of the political situation in the U.S., so are they made in Russia. For example: "Mr Putin, I have some good news and some bad news for you," the party secretary announced.
"Tell me the bad news first then."
"The bad news is that the Chinese have landed on the moon."
"Oh, no! What is the good news then?"
"ALL of them have landed on the moon!"
One of the newer riddle-jokes Sosn reported was this:
"What is the Russian definition of a string trio?"
Answer: "A quartet that has just returned from a tour of western Europe."
Even the lack of Russian freedom itself can still be joked about. Example:
A group of Russian students were discussing how different nationalities would behave in unusual situations, like two men and a woman being shipwrecked together on a desert island.
"If they were Italian," one student stated, "they would be very emotional about it. The two men would have a duel and the survivor would live with the woman."
""How would the English handle it?" another student asked the knowledgeable one.
"They would be very sporting about it. The men would draw straws and the loser would say, 'Good show, old sport!' and walk off into the ocean."
"What would Americans do?" another asked.
"Easy," the self-proclaimed expert replied. "The two men would form a corporation and exploit the woman's labor."
"And how would we Russians handle it?"
"The Russians would run around the island waiting for a phone call from the Kremlin to give them instructions."
With that, Sosin raised his glass for a toast. "Let us drink," he said, "to the time the Russian people do not need to wait for that phone call!"
The common view of Communism is that there is nothing funny about it. But the average person in Russia is really not like the American-imagined stereotype, according to Gene Sosin, an expatriot Russian who does guest speaking sessions for American dollars. He says the average Russian citizen is no more ignorant of what is going on there than the American citizen is ignorant of the ills of his society. So, what they cannot change they poke fun it, the same as American do.
Russian jokes are their way to protest the system and the problems it has brought them, without getting them arrested. For example, Sosin says, they may define the difference between Communism and capitalism this way: In capitalism you have the exploitation of man by man; in Communism you have just the opposite!
Sometimes the humor is in a riddle. Example: "What is the transitional stage between socialism and Communism?" Answer: "Alcoholism."
Of course no one actually speaks out about the government, because the secret police are still everywhere. But a joke gets a point across nearly as well. Here is one Sosin tells:
"All the great Egyptologists of the world were gathered in Egypt where a great new tomb was found and opened. Inside was a mummy, and they were all trying to decide what pharaoh it might be. Several countries' experts tried modern techniques and failed in the identification. Finally the Russians sent in their experts. After three days they came out and stated, "It is Ramses the 14th."
"How did you find out? everyone wanted to know.
"He confessed of his own accord," they said.
And, just as jokes are made of the political situation in the U.S., so are they made in Russia. For example: "Mr Putin, I have some good news and some bad news for you," the party secretary announced.
"Tell me the bad news first then."
"The bad news is that the Chinese have landed on the moon."
"Oh, no! What is the good news then?"
"ALL of them have landed on the moon!"
One of the newer riddle-jokes Sosn reported was this:
"What is the Russian definition of a string trio?"
Answer: "A quartet that has just returned from a tour of western Europe."
Even the lack of Russian freedom itself can still be joked about. Example:
A group of Russian students were discussing how different nationalities would behave in unusual situations, like two men and a woman being shipwrecked together on a desert island.
"If they were Italian," one student stated, "they would be very emotional about it. The two men would have a duel and the survivor would live with the woman."
""How would the English handle it?" another student asked the knowledgeable one.
"They would be very sporting about it. The men would draw straws and the loser would say, 'Good show, old sport!' and walk off into the ocean."
"What would Americans do?" another asked.
"Easy," the self-proclaimed expert replied. "The two men would form a corporation and exploit the woman's labor."
"And how would we Russians handle it?"
"The Russians would run around the island waiting for a phone call from the Kremlin to give them instructions."
With that, Sosin raised his glass for a toast. "Let us drink," he said, "to the time the Russian people do not need to wait for that phone call!"
Friday, December 19, 2014
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Kids do put things so neatly:
The baby sitter told her little charge to go to sleep because it was late.
"I can't", was his reply, "My mouth is still full of words."
A neighbor tyke's mother was taking him to school on opening day. When she asked him how he felt about finally going to school.
"My stomach tickles on the inside," he told her.
At the school one little girl was also asked how she felt about her first day at school.
"I feel in a hurry all over, but I can't get started," she replied.
Grandma, meeting her four year old grand daughter who had just flown alone for the first time, asked how the girl liked the flight.
The girl allowed it was pretty wonderful, especially when God talked to her.
"God talked to you?" asked surprised grandma. "What did he say?"
"He said, 'Fasten your seat belts.'
The eight-year old, after getting cleaned up to go to a birthday party, was admonished by her mother not to soil her dress while waiting to go. So she went around the house chanting, "Keep your dress clean. Keep your dress clean. This is a recording."
The family tattle-tale ran to mom to report, "Mom, Robert used a bad word! And it wasn't a children's bad word, it was a GROWN-UP'S bad word!"
The nine-year old son of a family visiting Los Angeles for the first time noticed all the spectacular advertising signs lining the thoroughfare they were on. "Look at all the bull boards," he said.
One young man, discussing the Christmas season with his playmate, offered this advice, "A good thing to remember about standing under the 'kisseltoe' is don't...or you'll have to watch out for slobbery girls."
Monday, December 15, 2014
Endings with Smiles
I think everyone likes a joke that surprises him/her, like these.
Two Martians landed on a corner in front of a traffic light. "I saw her first," one Martian says.
"So what?" argues the other Martian. "I'm the one she winked at." - Sandy Hartman in Globe
Marvin, the nature lover, spied a grasshopper dining on a clump of grass and, in a mood for communing with nature, he spoke to the grasshopper. "Hello, friend grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
"No kidding!" the grasshopper replies. "They've named a drink Fred?" - Anon.
First farmer: "How'd Charlie Black lose the fingers on his right hand?"
Neighbor: "Put 'em in a horse's mouth to see how many teeth it had."
FF: "Well, what happened?"
N: "The horse closed its mouth to see how many fingers Charlie had." - Anon.
A man went shopping for a used car at one of those enormous sales lots. A super-salesman there decided that the very car he needed was a 2000 model "in perfect condition, driven only a few thousand miles by an elderly woman"...an absolute steal at $1200.
The customer took this prize out for a trial run and, after circling a few blocks, drove back into the lot. Another salesman dashed to his side. "Wanta sell that car?" he asked before the dazed customer could explain, and he proceeded to make a quick check of it, reporting, "Engine needs work, interior needs cleaning, body's not in very good shape -- give you $876 for it."
The customer looked at the salesman, slapped the keys into the salesman's hand and said, "Aw, if that's all it's worth, I'll GIVE it to you!" And he walked away, feeling fine. - AP
Two Martians landed on a corner in front of a traffic light. "I saw her first," one Martian says.
"So what?" argues the other Martian. "I'm the one she winked at." - Sandy Hartman in Globe
Marvin, the nature lover, spied a grasshopper dining on a clump of grass and, in a mood for communing with nature, he spoke to the grasshopper. "Hello, friend grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
"No kidding!" the grasshopper replies. "They've named a drink Fred?" - Anon.
First farmer: "How'd Charlie Black lose the fingers on his right hand?"
Neighbor: "Put 'em in a horse's mouth to see how many teeth it had."
FF: "Well, what happened?"
N: "The horse closed its mouth to see how many fingers Charlie had." - Anon.
A man went shopping for a used car at one of those enormous sales lots. A super-salesman there decided that the very car he needed was a 2000 model "in perfect condition, driven only a few thousand miles by an elderly woman"...an absolute steal at $1200.
The customer took this prize out for a trial run and, after circling a few blocks, drove back into the lot. Another salesman dashed to his side. "Wanta sell that car?" he asked before the dazed customer could explain, and he proceeded to make a quick check of it, reporting, "Engine needs work, interior needs cleaning, body's not in very good shape -- give you $876 for it."
The customer looked at the salesman, slapped the keys into the salesman's hand and said, "Aw, if that's all it's worth, I'll GIVE it to you!" And he walked away, feeling fine. - AP
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)