R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Did You Really Think the Dumb Blonde Jokes Were Dead?"

     The man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jumping across the road in front of his car. He swerves to avoid hitting it but, as rabbits are prone to do, it reverses right in front of the car and is hit.
     The driver, a sensitive man and an animal lover, stops the car and pulls over to see what has happened to the rabbit. To his dismay, the rabbit is clearly dead. The driver tears up he feels so bad about this accident.
     A beautiful blonde woman, driving down the same road, sees the man's tearful demeanor and pulls her car over, steps out and asks him what is wrong.
     "I feel terrible," he explains. "I couldn't avoid hitting this rabbit," which he indicates by pointing.
     "Don't worry," the blonde tells him before running to her car and pulling out a spray can. Then she walks over to the limp body of the rabbit, bends down and sprays it.
     The rabbit jumps up, waves a paw at the two of them and hops on down the highway. When it is ten feet away it stops, turns around and waves again. Hopping down the road another ten feet, he stops, turns and waves again. It repeats this sequence again and again until it's out of sight.
     The man is tanding there, astonished. He asks the blonde, "What the heck is in that can?"
     The blonde turns the can so he can read the label, "Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair and adds a permanent wave."

April Foolish!

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R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Classic April Fools"

     The only April Fools I saw this year was on TV's America's Home Videos. Is this an annual hi-jinks that has gone passe on us? That would be a total shame.
     At 92 I can still remember the first one my 9-year old buddy and I pulled. I'm sure you won't think much of it, but, at the time, we had a great laugh at how clever we were. We phoned a neighborhood grocery where our families shopped and we knew the owner and his clerks. We asked the phone answerer, "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" He answered, "Of course." And we gave him the zinger, "Well, let him out now." And we hung up and giggled wildly at the supposed consternation at the other end of the phone.
     Today this probably needs more explanation. You see, Prince Albert was - and still may be, for all I know - a popular pipe tobacco marketed in pocket-fitting tin canisters..
     The end of this story played out differently from what we expected, though. Next time in the store the clerk told me had recognized my voice and, already having heard this same April foolishness several times that day as well as on previous April Fool's Days, he just went along with it so callers like us wouldn't be disappointed.
     Reader's Digest helped curb my disappointment in this lack this year. The magazine printed four classic April Fool gags from past years, all showing fine imagination, as well as the fact that a great many people are still pretty darn gullible.
     The magazine printed one of my all-time favorites, one I used in a column way back in 1997. Burger King had a big ad published about the new Whopper they were featuring, designed especially for left-handers. And the BK shops nationwide sold thousands of them! A straight-faced explanation of the difference to me was, "We've rotated the ingredients 180 degrees."
     My favorite from the previous year was taken so seriously that angry constituents actually forced then-Senator Edward Kennedy's office to officially deny the rumor that he was sponsoring a bill "to ban drinking while using the Internet".
     In year 2000 it was the British tabloid, the Daily Mail, that had the classic. The extolled a line of socks that "sucked body fat out of sweating feet", with this excess fat stored within the material so exercisers could then just dispose of the sox and fat.
     But the gag that showed the true gullibility of the populace came from the Swiss Tourism Board in 2000. They reported that members of the Swiss Association of Mountain Climbers scaled their Alps regularly to scrub and polish them. A video allegedly showing the cleaners at work was so popular that scores of people took the online test to see if they qualified to join the cleaning team!










    

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Golf Is A Four-Letter Word!"

     Golf is fun if you don't take it too seriously. I don't. I pretty much play with a 2 wood, a 7 iron and a putter, which proves I don't. Luckily, I have duffer friends who don't care that no serious golfers will play with us.
     Over time I have formed some thoughts on the sport that I will share, in case any reader should be considering embarking on golfing as a hobby or a healthful activity.

The sport is 10% mental and 90% temper-mental. It's not something you can play in revenge to get even with!

A golf game is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

Counting on an opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own manhood.

If you really want to become a better player, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Any change in your stroke or approach may work for three holes, or a minimum of none at all.

Don't try to keep all 230 instructions you've had in your mind during your swing.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

The less skilled a player is, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing with you.

Nonchalant putts count the same as 'chalant putts.

It's not a "gimme" if you are still "away".

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 40-foot putt when you already lie 8.

When you look up, causing a terrible shot, you will always look down and cuss at exactly the moment you should be watching the ball, if you ever want to see it again.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course will be a straight line passing directly through a very large and leafy tree.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time,,,and hit a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your many other bad habits.

No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Annother Naughty Joke?"

     The husband was leaving the house as his wife waved goodbye. The butler, Jeeves, is holding the door. Wife turns to the butler. "Jeeves, come into my room." He follows her there. "Shut the door," she commands. He does.
     "Come closer so you can hear me clearly." He does.
    "I want you to take off my dress." He does.
    "And take off my slip."
     "Now my shoes."
     "And my stockings."
     "And my bra and panties....
     And don't ever let me catch you wearing them again!"

GOT YA!

R.L.Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "About Your New Year's Resolutions"

     Starting new year 2017 at age 92 I am fairly content with my life. I'll admit there is a long list of New Year's resolutions broken along the way, but I've found most things work out OK if you just keep plugging along doing the best you can. Most resolutions I've made - and most people make - have not been life-changing anyhow.
     But recently I came across an old Dear Abby column that presented a letter from L.J. Bhatia of New Delhi, India, that is so nice that I think I will post it on the bulletin board above my desk as at least a guide upon my actions hereon. He quotes his Holy Vedas: "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."
     He goes on to state, "The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, love.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in the pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying that we are born in eternal life."

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Naughty Joke

     I think Catholic priests get teased in jokes more than any other religious denominational leader. I'm not a Catholic, but I think the two priests I know would smile - probably indulgently - at this one I found, uncredited, on the Internet. But if not, I doubt the world will stop spinning and I pray they will forgive and forget.

     A new priest, at his first mass, was so nervous he could hardly speak. But he got through it and, upon completion, asked the monsignor how he had done.
     The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about becoming nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
     Taking the monsignor's advice the next Sunday, he again started getting nervous as he faced the congregation. So he took a drink, paused as it charged his system and then proceeded to talk up a storm.
     Upon  returning to his office after the mass he found the following not pinned to the door:

"1, Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are  10 commandments, not 12,
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5, Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not 'bet his ass'.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late J.C.'
  7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'.
  8. David 'slew' Goliath. He did not 'kick the shit out of him'.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say he 'was stoned off his ass'.
 10. We do not refer to the cross as 'the Big T'.
 11. When Jesus broke bread at the last supper. he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body'. He did not say, 'Eat me'.
 12. The Virgin Mary is not called ;Mary with the cherry'.
 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!'
 14. Note that next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's'."

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "The Tooth Fairy"