R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Fool's Names Like Fool's Faces..."

     "Fool's names like fool's faces are always seen in public places!" was a comment always forthcoming from my grandmother upon seeing any public place defiled with the "tag" of some graffiti "artist".
     I, on the other hand, have rather enjoyed the other side of the on-going graffiti defacing war, the humor notes they invite from graffiti observers, like the sign found on a backstage wall at our local amateur theater building when the building was inspected and found unsafe: "Please don't write your name on the walls. If you're good enough, we'll remember you."
     A similar request was penned on a freshly painted classroom wall at the local college: "This is a partition, not a petition. No signatures required."
     One of my all-time favorite graffiti-stoppers, though, was posted above a urinal in the men's room at a country store in Texas. It read, "Please note: The same fingers that remove the cigarette butts from this urinal are the ones that fix our hamburgers," The urinal was butt free!
     Good advice goes right along with some nice philosophy in the world of graffiti. For instance, this appeared on the wall of a café in Austin, Tx: "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once." Pretty impressive thoughts to come out of a sojurn in a toilet!
     Another worldly bit I have long remembered, but forgotten the source, is "Be yourself. Who else is better qualified?"
     Sometimes bulletin board notices end up as second-hand humorous graffiti. "Will the thief who stole my jacket please return it?" was one such notice. Then it was addended the next day with "I found your jacket and intended to return it. But I don't like being called a thief! So I gave it to the Salvation Army." Cause and effect are not always in sync!
     A similarly unexpected rejoinder was noted in an industrial building corridor filled with colorful posters bearing slogans intended to inspire employees. Under the exhortation "You Can - If You Will!" someone had amended, "You're Canned If You Won't!"
      Office copy machines, I've noted, usually have an often necessary sign on them stating something like, "For problems, call extension 233". Just as often, the office wit will have added a comment. One I saw, for-example, read, 'No thanks - I have plenty of my own!" A lot of us recognize the feeling behind that!
    

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Flying Our Colors Correctly"

    When the Olympics year is upon us again and some 150 national flags will fly in procession with our Stars and Stripes at the Games, it should behoove us Americans to learn a bit about vexillology.
     Did the word stop  your eye? It should. It's relatively new and unused. It's the study of flags, according to Dr. Whitney Smith, who should know, since he created the word in 1975 from  the Latin vexillum, meaning "military standard".
     Dr. Smith has written at least nine books while pursuing s special interest in vexillology, including having his hand in on compiling the mammoth research tome "Flags Through the Ages and Across the World" (McGraw-Hill).
      Beyond the history of flags are the regulations each country lists for the display of its flag.
     The U.S. has an entire Flag Code, which I included in my book The United States Flagbook, published by McFarland Press in 1996.  Unfortunately, time, public ignorance and/or apathy toward the code and new material products have left this Code badly in need of revisions. (I spent five years researching everything about the flag and, after the book was published, wrote a letter to then-President Bill Clinton offering to take on a revision job, gratis. Never heard back.
     The parts of the Code most often ignored are: (1) having the blue field always on its own right facing out (from a wall or a window or whatever, (2) taking the flag down at dusk and as specified in inclement weather, (3) displaying two or more American flags together, (4) always displaying it to the right or above any other type flags on display, and (5) wearing it in any way. 
     We should be proud enough of our country to take a little time and learn more about our Stars and Stripes, don't you think?
    

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "The Hidden Meanings Behind Salesmens' Spiels"

     At my advanced age I have heard just about every type of salesman's spiel they've been able to think up. They've made me a pessimist.
     Start with financial advisors. A financial editor of the New York Journal American once defined a "Policy" as "a common substitute for good judgment". A "calculated risk" was "crap shooting on a corporate level". A "well-rounded program" was "an excuse for running off in all directions". An "attitude of watchful waiting" was "a dignified way of doing nothing".
     Vacation folders have a jargon all their own too. When you read "conducive to complete relaxation", you will ultimately find out the place is "dead". "A charming atmosphere of rustic simplicity" will probably be found to mean "no inside plumbing". "Bathing nearby" really means "no swimming pool". "25 seasons under the same management" may be only a warning that they haven't been able to sell the place.
     If you plan to attend a concert, beware of hidden meanings also. If the box office reports "Plenty of tickers", it may really have plenty, just not for the days you want. If they advertise "Orchestra seats - Close to stage" you may have to play an instrument to sit there.
     And, how could I leave out auto service department dialogue? Here are some of the standard excuses you may hear there:

"They all do that!" (The real meaning is more like, "We've never seen this problem before and we don't know the cause of it, but we think you'll feel better if you think you're not the only one.")

"We're waiting for a part." ("We may have ordered the wrong part and now the computer is down and we can't remember what we needed in the first place.")

"We're test driving it right now." ("The guys have driven your car to a bar for lunch and will be back in an hour or so.")

"There is some additional work we'd recommend." ("The test drive back from the bar resulted in a cracked muffler and a broken rearview mirror, which we have already replaced, but which we want you to pay for.")

     Television folk have their own sales jargon as well.

"A Meaningful Drama" may be any program about grubby people in trouble, which has a sad ending.

"A Public Service Program" is probably a cultural or news show that attracts little sponsor interest, receives bad ratings, but often has good critical reports.

"Controversial content" may be any subject which has conflicting points of view so its treatment is bound to result in a flurry of complaints, especially in Washington, DC.

"Adult entertainment" is usually a talky show which features once-forbidden topics, cussing and off-color jokes.

"Family entertainment" leaves little to include but kid shows moved to prime time.

"Children's Programming" isn't much more than advertising for toys, candy and peanut butter.

"Mature Viewers" are pretty forgotten by sponsors unless they manufacture a denture cleanser or pain reliever.

     No wonder I'm a pessimist. The only wonder is that there aren't more of us!



























    

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Candid Cameos"

     Was doing some masticatin' the muslin with a buddy recently  which got out of hand and turned  silly, but I thought I'd share some of it, anyhow, since it's been a slow day.

I love to watch:
                              two frugal friends trying to out-fumble each other for the bar tab, since I'd already paid for the previous round.
                              a smooooth operator striking out with a girl everybody has dated.
                              well-tanned and turned legs in flaring mini-skirts. Much more intriguing than the same tanned legs in a bikini, for some odd reason!
                              the unbelievable gyrations of good hip-hop dancers.
                              the self-satisfied look of a girl who is sure every man in the place is watching her take off her coat.
                             the mailman holding back the questions he is dying to ask abaout the unusual mail I'm getting lately.

I hate to see:  
                             that look of unbelief in a woman's eyes when I'm lying to her.
                             TV testimonials by inarticulate millionaire athletes.
                             men's room attendants. As if I haven't been doing everything there without their help all my life!
                             the bottom of a choice bottle, which I may not be able to replace.
                             teen agers driving cars years better than mine.
                             big men, or women, named "Tiny". Is that really funny?
                             Dear John letters to anyone. Aren't our lives beset by enough problems without getting punched in the heart?

I am sympathetic with:
                             a friend's expensive tastes and beer income.
                             the look of panic on the face of anyone with too many belts under their belt to keep them down.
                             anyone's struggle between boredom and politeness.
                             the results of anyone taking portrait selfies in a camera booth.
                             presidential candidates who don't know the meaning of "presidential".
                             anyone trying their first "chaw" of tobacco and no one told them not to swallow.
                             everyone...and, boy, do I hear a lot of troubles!

I'd like to forget:
                            trying to impress a date with  her ex boyfriend sitting two tables over.
                            those moaning-afters when I get up looking just like my driver's license photo.
                            the erstwhile "friend" who set me up with a blind date with his girl friend's definitely desirable friend from out of town, only to find she's pregnant, divorced and looking for a new "daddy".(Set 'em up, bartender. That leads to serious forgetfulness.)
                             

August 13 is Left-Handed Day

     What if you spent every day in a backward world, with everything working against you? Zipper pulls were on the wrong side of your jeans, shirts and jackets buttoned the wrong way, knives were sharpened on the wrong side for cutting, pots and pans had their spouts on the wrong sides, doorknobs and corkscrews turned the wrong way, gear shift levers were on the wrong side of the car, and so on all day, every day? That's how left-handed people live their lives.
     From the time they are old enough to listen, left-handers - an estimated one-tenth of the world's population - have had it drilled into them that left-handedness is wrong. Even worse, many have been told it is inferior. That may go clear back to the days of the ancient Romans when it was common thought that lefties were immoral. According to studies in the U.S. in more recent years, it was reported lefties lived nine years less than righties, were three times more likely to suffer immune disorders, were more likely to become alcoholics and to go insane. In rebuttal, one jokester noted that "since the right side of the brain governs the left side of the body, then left-handed persons are the only ones in their right minds!"
     In spite of all this negativity, it hasn't bothered seven men who wanted to be President of the U.S. That group includes Herbert Hoover, Harry Truman, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. James Garfield might be added. He was, in fact, ambidextrous, able to write different languages with each hand simultaneously.
     In American schools, for many years of my youth, penmanship teachers tried to force children with a leftie disposition to write right, usually with the blessing of the parents. It was a problem because penmanship teachers didn't know how to teach lefties. I never saw a left-handed penmanship teacher.
    Changing was for their own good, because from then on they were going to face a predominantly right-handed world. Even the school desks were made for right-handed writers then. I watched the lefties write with their hands "hooked" almost upside-down over the lines they wrote. In order to see what they were writing and to avoid dragging their hands across their writing, they had to be contortionists.
     Only in fairly recent years have lefties been able to find baseball gloves or golf clubs. Scissors were very difficult to use. Wristwatches had to be worn upside-down Playing cards were printed so they couldn't be read when fanned in the right hand. Left-handed violinists or guitar players had to re-string their instruments to play and left-handed saxophonists didn't exist. Even gum wrappers were hard to open for lefties.
     Job hunting had its drawbacks for lefties too. Tools of the trades in every type job from lathe operator to cashier, from dentist to bookkeeper were made backwards for lefties. Using a typical power saw was an invitation to become a righty permanently!
     There are several reasons why this became a right-handed world. Family genes is one. A study of 5,000 left-handers found that, if your mother was left-handed, even if your father was not, you would probably be a leftie. But, beyond that, human culture itself is to blame: warfare, etiquette, religion and superstition and the aforementioned education.
     From the days of the Roman legions that conquered the world as they knew it, warfare has played a big part. Armor and arms were made for right-handed use. Customs grew up whereby clasping right arms (gradually evolving into the handshake) and placing an honored guest to a person's right showed trust and friendship, since the right was the defense arm and such show made a person vulnerable to attack. Later the bolt-action rifle was a lefty's nightmare, so that all World War II soldiers were required to shoot right-handed, even if proved they couldn't hit the broad side of a barn that way.
     The Greek language is filled with words, which have been passed on to us, denigrating the left. Ancient religion and superstition were often tied to the sun's movement. Thus, the right, or movement to the right, became good and Godly while the opposite automatically became bad. The word "left" in Old English meant "weak", in German meant "awkward".
     In Muslim countries the right hand has been used for centuries as the pot-dipping or feeding hand, while the left has been used exclusively for cleaning oneself at the toilet. A left-hander could thus commit a grievous breach of etiquette without knowing it, if the Arab culture wasn't understood.
     In more recent years some counties - the U.S., Great Britain and Japan, for instances - have started doing something about this plight of our most unrecognized and misunderstood minority. In the U.S. there is a Left Handers International, located in Topeka, KS, which promotes an annual convention and will mail a glossy publication, that includes a catalog of items for lefties, and printed articles on topics like the biological origins of left-handedness. There is also a League of Left Handers and an International Left Handers Society. Japan has a left-hander's league with about 1500 members.
     Being a leftie is no longer considered an aberration, but a specialized sales market. One of the early best-known markets was Aristers Company of Westport, CT. They handled such erotic ware as backward-running watches, booklets for left-handed needlecraft and calligraphy, and T-shirts that read "Leftys do it better!" Other early specialty shops in the U.S. included Left-Handed Complements in Jamaica Plains, MA; Left-Handed Solutions in New York; Left Hand World in San Francisco, Lefties Corner in Indiana, The Southpaw Shoppe in San Diego and Southpaw Unlimited in Rochester, NY. One of the earliest to see this need, in 1967, was a London shop called Anything Left-Handed, which a left-handed married couple opened.
     Some bright teachers have shown that left-writers can turn their papers parallel to their arms to uncramp them. This led to more utilitarian school desks and to a host of writing materials - notebooks, fast-drying inks, rulers with reversed reading measurements, T-squares, address books and even checkbooks.
     Schools, like the University of Washington, changed its dentistry school lab so equipment was usable for both left and right-handed workers. Fast food palace Burger King announced a left-handed Whopper, and had a big call for it, until it turned out to be an April Fool prank (in 1996).
     Noting all this improvement in their lives, leftys might well give a cheer, "Left on!"







    











    
    

American Declaration of Independence - Aftermath

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56

men  who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors,

and tortured before they died.

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.

Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army;

another had two sons captured.

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or

hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their

fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists.

Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and

large plantation owners; men of means, well-educated,

but they signed the Declaration of Independence

knowing full well that the penalty would be death if

they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and

trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by

the British Navy. He sold his home and

properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British

that he was forced to move his family almost

constantly.  He served in the Congress without pay,

and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions

were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall,

Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and

Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson,Jr., noted that

the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson

home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General

George Washington to open fire. The home was

destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed.

The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was

dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his

gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in

forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his

children vanished.

 

We thank these early patriots,

as well as those patriots now fighting to KEEP our freedom!

 

F. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN; "A Look at the Cool Sites We've Lost On the Internet""

      I love browsing in used book stores because I often come across a tome that is intriguing enough for a column. Such was the case when I recently found a copy of "Cyber Hound's Internet Guide to the Coolest Stuff Out There", printed by a company called Visible Ink Press, a division of Gale Research, Inc. Gale, for many years, has specialized in printing reference books for libraries.
     Though this was printed in 1996, which is not long ago in human life years, practically everything I Googled from it has disappeared. The book is composed of 364 pages of then-current websites, showing how fast the Internet chews up and spits out the ideas and imaginations of us submittors. What a shame we will no longer be able to browse and learn from such sites as these:

Aaron A. Aardvark's Aardvark Abstract, which was a computer graphics video gallery featuring, among other things, a comic strip starring an aardvark and a nerdy turtle.

Angelnet, aimed at the inherent flower child in each of us, featured angels, yoga, dolphins, mages and music; a labyrinth to explore; meditation guides and angel water for sale; stories of angelic encounters, even an interactive poem.

Art Crimes' goal was "to help preserve and document the constantly disappearing works of the graffiti art movement." It included a graffiti FAQ, glossary, and bibliography; graffiti-related magazines and videos, tips for photographing graffiti, scanning images for use on the Web, and transferring images using FTP, critical reviews of graffiti literature, essays and calendars of graffiti art shows and events.

Ask Puddy was a cat who answered your questions about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness on business, medicine and affairs of the heart.

The Asylum, submitted by someone in Cal Tech's education department, offered a gallery of peg-light art, a scratch pad they could draw on, an interactive "fiction therapy" salon, a cuckoo clock (with sound), a mascot that could be fed or smushed, a "core dump" of useless stuff. and a chance to immortalize oneself among the ranks of The Asylum's inmates.

 Avenger's Front Page was where one could find revenge strategies ranging from lively April Fool-type pranks to how to properly and definitely say goodbye to your old job, as well as links to o
other revenge-related resources, including how to pick a lock and the ultimate list of practical jokes. 

     And these few samples take us only through the A's - the sites are listed alphabetically A through Z - and page 33. What a shame we have lost the myriad musings offered by these hundreds of expectant Website authors. Like our earth in the deep-space universe, though, this fulsome listing is a mere speck in the vastness of the present day Internet! I guess that's why this book so intrigued me.