WORKING YOUR GRAY CELLS OVERTIME

     The following are questions originally asked to test the gray cells of senior citizens, but I think you other readers ought to try it too, even though it may not be fun discovering how clueless you are. The test originator was not named, but must be someone sly and devious, probably with an agenda to embarrass us and make himself/herself feel superior. But, if this is not enough warning, then, by all means, press on. See if you are, as you perceive yourself, Mensa material.

1.Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April; the second was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. A clerk at a butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. How much dirt is in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

4. Which word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

5. Billy was born on December 28, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

6. You cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg in California. Why not?

7. What was the President's name in 1975?

8. You are running a race and pass the person in second place, so what place would you now be in?

9. Which is correct to say: "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white."

10. A farmer has five hay stacks in one field and four in another field. How many hay stacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?

ANSWERS:

1 Read the question again. The answer is "Johnny", of course.
2. He's a butcher. He weighs meat.
3. A hole doesn't have any dirt in it.
4. Incorrectly, according to the dictionary, must always be spelled "incorrectly".
5. This is the really "cute" question. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
6. You just can't take a picture with a wooden leg. Didn't you read the question?
7. Same as his name is now, Barack Obama.
8. Well, you passed the person in second place, so you take his place: second.
9. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow. Are you color blind?
10. He combines the nine stacks, so he now has one big stack. What don't you understand about the word "combine"?

Maybe your reading skills and comprehension just need upgrading!

GEEZER GAGS

     On my recent 89th birthday one of my also-elderly cohorts sent me a letter with some choice geezer gags in it. Each is a short-short story within itself, with a surprise ending. While it may take an older person to fully appreciate them, I thought they were humorous enough that anyone of any age could get a smile out of them.

     A very elderly gentleman (let's say mid-90s), very spffily dressed, sparse hair well groomed, wearing a great looking suit with a flower in the lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, all in all presenting a well-looked-after image, saunters into an upscale cocktail lounge. 

     Seated at the bar is an elderly appearing lady (guessed at mid-80s), also well-coifed and well dressed. The gentleman walks over and sits alongside her, orders his drink, takes a trial sip, turns to her and asks, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

   An older gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to an audioologist who was able to fit him for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. When he went back for his one-month checkup, the doc told him, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be very pleased that you can hear so well again."

     The gentleman, with a sly grin, replied, "Oh, I haven['t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times."

     Two older gentlemen were sitting on a bench under a tree at the retirement center commiserating with one another. One says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

     Slim thinks a minute, then replies, "I feel just like a new-born baby! Yep, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

     An older couple finished dinner at another older couple's home. The wives cleaned up the dishes and went into the kitchen, leaving the two gentlemen to talk over cigars. One announced, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it turned out really great. I would highly recommend it."

     "What's it's name?" asked the other.

     The first man thought a bit and finally said, "What's the name of the flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."

     "Do you mean a rose?"

     "That's it." And he turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

     Hospital regulations require a wheelchair be used for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him.

     "I don't know," he answered. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

     You DID smile, didn't ;you?

Autographics of the Stars

     Star athletes have a relatively short, albeit bigger-than-life, time in the media spotlight. So everything they do becomes a sort of media hype, even such small things as the wording on their personalized auto license plates. Many, thus, have opted over the years for the opportunity "vanity" plates  has offered them.

The Athlete:                                                 His license plate:

Heinie Groh, Cincinnatti third baseman         .474 (his batting average in 1932 World Series)

Johnny Bench, baseball catcher after

earning his first MVP award                         MVP-1

Roger Clemens, Pro pitcher                         SUPER K (with "1986 MVP" and "Cy Young" painted over                                                                                                taillights on his Porsche 928 S4)

Kent Tekulve, pro baseball pitcher               TEKE 27  (uniform number)

Al Oliver, pro baseball outfielder after

winning American League title for hits           AL HITS

Frank Thomas,  Cincinnatti's AL MVP 

twice in succession                                       LNG BALL

Bert Blyleven, pro baseball pitcher               XMAS TOY (for wife's car to celebrate his then-new $3.5                                                                                                million contract)                                                   Edwin Nunez, pro baseball pitcher               ED-WINS

Matt Young, pro baseball pitcher                 STRYKK

Lenny Heep, pro baseball outfielder             ARNOLD (which he never explained)

Eddie Shore, hockey hall of famer                MR HOCKEY

Mike Gennis, world team sky diving champ  AIRGASM

One time race starter at Maryland's 

thoroughbred racing tracks                           BLIND (which was his real name)

Edwin Moses, Olympic hurdling champion    OLYMPYN

Tom Petranoff, former world champ 

javelin thrower                                              327-2-JAV (his record distance)

Brian Boitano, world champ figure skater      SKY8-88 (his future expectation in 1987)

Kurt Thomas, Olympic gold medal gymnast  GOLD N 92

Sammy Lee, Olympic champ springboard 

diver                                                            2 GOLDS

Paul Pender, former middleweight boxing

champion                                                     M-CHAMP

Tony DeMarco, former welterweight

boxing champion                                          TKO

Larry Holmes, former IMF heavyweight

boxing champion                                           ROUND-1

Doug Dieken, former Cleveland offensive

tackle                                                            ME HOLD

Hart Lee Dykes, NFL draftee                        ICU-UCME 

Michael Jordan, pro basketball player            M-AIR-JORDAN

Chuck Nevitt,  former Detroit, L.A. and 

Houston pro basketball player                       7 FT 5 (which was his height. Wife Sandra had 5 FT 7.) 

Rudy Garciduenas, L.A. Lakers equipment

manager                                                        THANX SHAQ (on new car Shaq O'Neal gifted him)      

 

Short Stories in Doggerel

     I'm not into poetry, but doggerel humor does amuse and intrigue me. Where else can one find complete short stories, with surprise endings, in just a few lines of text?

My poetry is nonsense
And full of frivolities;
People may say I'm lacking
In my mental faculties!
                  --Those who disagree with me

It isn't the meter,
It isn't the rime,
It's only ideas
Short of which I'm!
                  --Robertr G. Peck, Jr.

SWEETEST GUY
He's demanding, that's true,
Unpredictable too.
He's a rascal (knows that he's handsome)
And is bold, yet shy.
He's the sweetest little guy.
He's four, and I love him....my grandson!
                 --Liz Smith

TWO FOR THE MONEY...
A dashing young fellow named Joe
Has lost all his happy glow;
He used to be sunny
And had plenty of money,
But that was two blondes ago!
                    --Ft. Belvoir Castle

PER VERSE
She's in mink
And looks divine;
I'm in serge
And simply shine!
               --Pensacola Gasport

DIFFERENT PATHS
Jim blew his money, loafed and shirked;
   John planned and saved, worked and worked.
So Jim never attained success,
   While John toiled on with strain and stress --
      And never made it either!
                  --Berton Braley

FOUR-EYED GLAMOUR
Women respect the male sex,
If and when they wear specs,
'Cause girls can never make asses
Of boys who wear glasses!
                 --Earl Wilson

HEAVEN SCENT
I don't like skunks
And won't until
Skunks start using
Chlorophyll!
              --/Zany Janey

RECOGNITION
I haven't any ankles;
I haven[t any feet.
I'm just a little earthworm
One long hunk of meat!
              --Anon

DIETWISE
How fat she are.
She used to wasn't.
The reason is
She daily doesn't!
            --Anon

JACK & JILL UPDATE
Jack and Jill went up the hill -
They each had a dollar and a quarter -
Jill cam down
With half a crown....
They evidently didn't go up for water!
               --Wilbur Smith in "The Eye of the Tiger"

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Asters are red,
Delphiniums blue;
Cold in the head...
September flu.
I'll be in bed
A day or two...
Adieu - Achoo!
           --Sal Hep

FADEAWAYS

     Let's start a new word-use fad. We'll call it "Fadeaways". You select some occupation, then make up some hopefully humorous way people in that profession "fade away". For example: Cowboys. Old cowboys never die.They just get de-ranged! Or, alternately, old cowboys never die.They just lose their range!

Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away. (Craig Fleishman)
Old fishermen never die.They just smell that way. (Anon) Or...
Old fishermen never die. They just wade away. (Seryl L. Webb)
Old poultrymen never die.They just chicken out. (Al Bernstein)
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance. (Charles Shaw)
Old anesthesiologists never die. They just run out of gas. (Sheria K. Martin)
Old insurance agents never die. It's against their policy. (Marian S. Schwartz)
Old procrastinators never die. They just keep putting it off. (C.P. Miscavish)
Old lawyers never die. They just lose their appeal. (Bob Talbert in Detroit Free Press)
Old actors never die. They just lose their parts. (Graffiti)
Old librarians never die. They just get renewed. (Agnes Halsey)
Old quilters never die. They just mend the pieces. (Marie Radeck)
Old psychiatrists never die. They just shrink away. (Jim Fiebig)
Old philosophers never die. They Kant. (Janet L. Kragen)
Old welders never die. They just pass the torch. (Nan Kemp)
Old truckers never die. They just semi-re-tire. (Arthur J. George)
Old daredevils never die, they just get dis-couraged. (Anon)
Old comedians never die. They just go to the 'old jokes' home. (Shelley Friedman)

and, of course, Old plagiarists never die. They just steal away. (Mary Ann Herman)

JOB WISE

     A go-getter is someone who follows you into a revolving door and comes out ahead of you. So it is with people who go into the same business situation everyone else does but comes up with that little something extra that gives them a bigger share of that market. or a better relationship with customers, which usually amounts to the same thing. Consider these examples.
     *CLOTHES MAKE THE GARBAGEMAN - Ray Valine, a Sacramento garbage collector, wore an ear-flapping bunny costume a week before Easter and passed out candy from an Easter basket to hundreds of children along his collection route. The week before Christmas he wore a Santa suit. Fellow collectors thought him a bit nuts. But his customers loved him. And the garbage he picked up was always neater than on others' routes.
     *DURESS DRESS ENGINEER - John T. Molloy of New York was calling himself a "clothing engineer". "Most American women dress to fail," he bluntly reported. "They think they have to be attractive, appealing, kittenish all the time, but sometimes those characteristics can be distinct drawbacks in business success." Molloy successfully dressed politicians, foreign government representatives, and corporate VIPs for 16 years. Then he turned his attention toward engineering the dressage of women customers seeking corporate success. His success followed.
     *STAND-IN ABSENTEES - Two Los Angeles area artists, Yuri Schwebler and Laurie Le Clair, began a firm called Dirty Works, Inc. It started when Yuri got paid for flying to D.C. from L.A. to stand in for a friend who was obligated - but didn't want to go - to a dinner there. So the two figured there must be a lot of people who, similarly, would pay NOT to have to do things they were obligated to do. Their first job had Laurie breaking someone's engagement for him.
     *PERFECT TIMING - When Rose Shade and her husband stopped for lunch, while traveling through California, they noted a meter maid busily writing parking citations on a row of autos. Right behind her was a young man placing small cards beside each ticket on the windshields, which read: "Maybe your watch was slow. Bring it in to us for repair and we will pay your parking ticket".
     *MAN-IKIN - Chuck Carl's best advertising, conversely, was doing nothing. In fact, that was what he was doing for a living. He was billing himself as "The Mechanical Robot" and touring the country posing. One specialty was modeling male fashions at trade shows, as a robotized "mime" manikin.
     *MUTILANT ART - Artist Christopher Burden, at age 29  was dubbed "the Evil Knievel of art" by Oui Magazine because he was using his body to make his living too. In his words, he "made himself the subject of his performances". But his art was like no other. For instance, he was paid $725 by the University of Maryland-Balrimore County to perform what he called "a body work" in its then-new fine arts dance studio, until a campus conflict arose over it. Administrators heard about some of his other body works and claimed there were moral issues involved. In recent years Burden had: 1) crawled stark naked through broken glass strewn on a Los Angeles street, 2) had an assistant shoot him in the arm with a .22 calibre handgun, 3) attempted to electrocute himself (non-fatally), and 4) been purposely kicked down concrete stairs in front of an audience.
     COUNTER-FETE-ING -  John Stark of New Orleans had to combat public controversy to practice his profession, too. He was selling $1,000,000 bills. He had to beat a counterfeiting rap to continue selling his double-sized novelty greenbacks. He claimed to be the "largest" money maker in the USA.
     Making money, thus, is shown to be an individual matter. But, if a person  has the ingenuity to make a job, that job may well end up making him, too.

Re-run Fun

     After months of serious study, and much reported merriment, 100,000 Londoners voted - in December 2001 - the world's funniest joke.      
     In the largest such experiment ever conducted, the British Association for the Advancement of Science, in conjunction with LaughLab, judged 10,000 joke entries and the clear winner was the joke about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's famous fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick Dr. Watson going camping and pitching their tent under the stars.
     During the night Holmes wakes Watson and says, "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce."
     Watson says, "I see a million stars and, if even a few of them have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there, and there might also be life."
     Holmes replies,. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."

     The joke is not new, but newness was not a consideration in the judging. But it is easy to see that the judges might have been swayed by the famed British characters involved. While the situation is humorous, it probably would not make the top ten in the U.S.
     For examples, take some of my favorites at random - all re-run fun, but just as good the second time around.

Re-generation

     A young "punk' boards the cross-town bus. His hair is spiked in colors of green, purple and orange. His cargo shorts and jacket are tattered mixes of camo cloth. His legs are bare and he is barefoot. His face is riddled with jewelry piercings, complete with big bright feathers as earrings. He plops into the only vacant seat, which is directly across from an old man who glares at him through  the next several stops.
     Eventually the punk becomes conscious of the old man's glare and barks, "What you lookin' at, you old goat? Ain't you never done anything wild when you were young?"
     Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yep. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I though maybe you might me my son!"

Shorted Sermon

     The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.
     When the CEO returned from the big event he was furious with the employee. "What was the idea  writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
     The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."  (Courtesy of Edward Phillips, The World's Best Business Jokes, Angus & Robertson, London)

Poor Timing

     One Sunday morning after services one man complained to the priest that he felt there was a lack of friendliness among members of the congregation and that people seemed reluctant to greet one another in church. The priest agreed, but said he had a plan to change things.
     During services the following Sunday, the priest described this situation to the congregation and stated that the following Sunday "we will have a brief pause to allow parishioners to turn to those seated behind them and greet them with friendly hellos".
     After the service the complainant turned around to the woman behind him and said, "Good morning."
     She looked at him in shocked indignation. "That doesn't start until next  Sunday!" she snapped. (J.C.M. in Reader's Digest)

Suits Him Right

     Joe was suffering from terrific headaches. The doctor told him he could cure them, but it would require castration. "You have a rare condition that causes pressure to build up against your spine," the doctor explained. "This, in turn, causes headaches. The only cure is surgery."
     Joe was shocked, but the excruciating pain caused him to go ahead with the operation. When he left the hospital, he was depressed. He tried lifting his spirits by shopping for a new suit.
     The salesman eyed him and said, "44 long, right?"
     "That's right," Joe agreed. He tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.
     "How about a new shirt to go with it?" asked the clerk. "About a 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck?"
     "Right again," said Joe. "You're amazing."
     "While you're here, why not get some new underwear too?" the salesman suggested. He eyed Joe's waist and said, "Size 36."
     "No, you finally missed," Joe chuckled. "I wear size 34."
     "You couldn't possibly," argued the salesman. "Underwear that tight would create a great deal of pressure against your spine and cause one heckuva headache."  (Courtesy Bryan Eldring)

Perfect Prescription

     A printer went to his doctor for a checkup. The doctor wrote him a prescription in his normal handwriting. The printer put it into his wallet, but neglected to have it filled. Instead, every morning for two years he showed it to the conductor as a railway pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, once into a baseball park and once into a symphony concert.Then, one day he mislaid it at home.
     His daughter picked it up, played it on her harp and won a scholarship to a music conservatory!

Eggsact Response

     "Sounds good," my wife said as she noted the special $1.99 breakfast menu of two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast, "But I don't want the eggs."

     "Then I will have to charge you $2.49 since you are ordering a la carte," the waitress warned.

     "You mean I have to pay for NOT taking the eggs?", my wife asked in surprise. "Then I'll take the special."

     "Then how do you want your eggs?" asked the waitress.

     "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.  (Courtesy Russ Jenkins)

     Counterpoint

     Greenbay quarterback Bart Starr came home one day before a big game, yelled at one of his children, spanked another and snapped at Cherry, his wife, for not getting some letters out in the mail. 

     Finally Cherry asked, "What is wrong with you? I've never seen you so edgy."

     "I've got a jillion things to do," Bart shouts back, "and I've got to find time to get to a banquet in Appleton tonight too."

     "What kind of a banquet?" asks Cherry.

     Still in a foul mood, Bart growls, "Oh, I'm receiving a 'nice guy' award."    (Courtesy Jerry Kramer, Instant Replay, Sports Illustrated)

     Don''t you agree my choices are funnier?