R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "My Dog's Questions"

     We humans often sit, seemingly idle, at times, but actually we are probably day dreaming, asking ourselves questions that have vexed us at one time or another. With this in mind, I noted my dog, Red, sitting seemingly idle also yesterday, but with his ears erect and an interested look on his face that made me think that he, also, might well be asking himself questions that have vexed him at one time or another. What kind of questions would vex a dog, you ask? Well, surprisingly, right off the cuff I could think of a number I'd wonder about if I were Red. Think about that yourself and I'll bet you can come up with quite a list yourself.
     Right at the top of my list was, "Why do humans, who seem to have perfectly good noses, love to go around smelling the flowers but never enjoy smelling one another's butts"
     "And will it still be considered an unacceptable affront in the afterlife to greet one's human friends by sticking one's nose into their crotch?"
     And I wondered if my dog thought he was being a bad dog by barking, just for the joy of it, in the house when no one was there to hear him?
     And, "Do you suppose there are mailmen in Heaven and, if there are, am I going to have to apologize? And tell any garbage collectors there that I'm sorry for the way I acted, that I know now that they weren't stealing our trash?"
     Likewise, "are the wastes of this world going to be available for our olfactory senses to enjoy as we roll in them, like decaying fish and leavings of the horses in our pasture?"
     Will it still be considered impolite - when I try to be fastidious - sitting in the middle of the living room and licking my crotch?"
     If we are man's best friend, like I've heard voiced around, how come there are cars named after rabbit, colt, mustang, stingray and cougar, but not one named for a dog> How much trouble would it be to change the Christler Eagle to the Beagle, for instance?"
     Will some of the things taught me in this world still have relevance where I go when I pass on, like: "The master's bed is not a dog towel for use after a rainy day walk, the living room carpet is not kept as a handy solution for an itchy butt, and the cat's food is not meant for me, even if the cat has thrown it up."
     The most worrysome wonderment, though, is whether I"ll get my testicles back in Heaven!!!
   

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Smile Awhile"

     People who have that sneaky mental twist that allows them to smile at mankind's fumbles and foibles by putting one of those into a joke deserve accolades in our today's world of toil and strife. Wouldn't you agree?    
     Unfortunately, I can't give the originators of the following yuks, which I consider well worthy of passing on, because I gleaned them from a column titled The Edge, over a period of time, in the local  Lewiston Tribune, where they were not credited. But I think those originators will be happy to share anonymously anyhow.\

1) A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by her child's kindness and gave her the dollar. Curious, she asked the child, "Isn't the lady able to work anymore?"
     "Oh, yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

2) My neighbor lady was talking to her four-year old son about imminent family visitations. He asked her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talked funny and sounded like their noses were plugged up.
     "Well, they think we talk funny too," she said. "Everybody talks in different ways. They think we talk really slow, with our words all d-r-a-w-n out."
     The boy's eyes got big and he whispered seriously, "You mean they hear funny too?"

3) The small boy asked his father how people came to be. His father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, their babies became adults and made more babies, and on and on like that."
     Not satisfied with that, the boy then went to his mother and asked her how people came to be..She told him, "We were monkeys first, then we evolved into people like we are now."
     Confused, the boy raced back to his father and told him, "You lied to me. Mom said we were monkeys. We didn't come from Adam and Eve."
     The father, unperturbed,  replied, "Your mom was talking about HER side of the family!

4) Harry walked up to the minister after services, "You know, reverend, I'm in a real quandary. I'd like to attend church next Sunday, but I can't possibly miss the big game next Sunday."
     "But, Harry," replied the rev, "don't you know that is what DVRs are for?"
     Harry's face lit up. "You mean I could record your sermon?"

5) A flight attendant on a cross country flight about 30 minutes out of Los Angeles nervously announced, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners available.
     When the passengers muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal, though, will receive free drinks for the remainder of the trip."
      Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available."

6) There was a papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole who lived in a hole in the country near a farmhouse. One morning papa mole poked his head outside the hole and announced,. "Mama, I smell sausage."
     So mama mole poked her head out and added, "Ummm. And I smell pancakes."
     So baby mole tried to stick his head out the hole, but couldn't because his parents were blocking it. Disappointed, he whined, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

Admit it. You smiled awhile, didn't you?

R.Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "The Way Your Dog Would Like You to Grow Old"

     (This came off the Internet uncredited, which is too bad because the author surely would be a nice person to know.)

     When I am old:
I will wear soft gray sweatshirts, and a bandanna over my silver hair
And I will spend my Social Security checks on wine and my dogs.
I will sit in my house on my well-worn chair, and listen to my dogs breathing.
I will sneak out in the middle of a warm summer night and take my dogs for a run, if my old bones will allow.
When people call, I will smile and nod as I introduce my dogs, and talk of them and about them, so beloved are they.
I will still work hard cleaning after them, mopping, and feeding them and whispering their names in a soft loving way they understand.
I will wear the gleaming sweat on my throat like a jewel and I will be an embarrassment to all, especially my family, who have not yet found the peace in being free to have dogs as best friends... friends who always wait, at any hour, for your footfall, and eagerly jump to their feet out of a sound sleep to greet you as if you are a God.
With their warm eyes so full of adoring love, they hope you will always stay.
I'll hug their big strong necks; I'll kiss their dear sweet heads, and whisper in their very special company.
I look in the mirror, and see that I am growing old.
Please accept me for who I am,
For this is the kind of person I am, and have always been.
Loving dogs is easy; they are a part of me.
My dogs appreciate my presence in their lives and, when I am old, this will be important to me.
You will understand when you are old, if you have dogs to love too!