I shared the best golf joke ever with readers of my 1998 book Offbeat Golf - still available incidentally from Santa Monica (California) Press - but, even if you did read it there, don't stop me, because I want to enjoy it again anyhow. Because it is THE classic "hustle"!
It involves two very well-known gentlemen, Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods. I can't speak for the veracity of the story, but that is of little consequence.
Stevie and Tiger meet in a restaurant where they are both having dinner. Tiger politely asks Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's your golf?"
Tiger also replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Keeping the conversation going, Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Surprised, Tiger asks, "You play golf?"
Stevie answers, "Oh, sure. I've been playing for years."
Tiger asks, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie says, "I have my caddy stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball has landed, the caddy moves further down the fairway or to the green and again I play the ball toward the voice."
"But how do you putt?" Tiger wants to know.
'Well," explains Stevie, "I have my caddy lean down in front of the hole and call to me, with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods, curious how this works, asks, "What's your handicap?"
"Well, I'm a scratch golfer," Stevie says.
Tiger, more amazed than ever, says, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, never for less than $1,000 a hole."
Tiger grins as if that is a joke, and replies, "I'm for that. When would you like to ;play?"
"Pick a night!" says Stevie.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Friday, November 27, 2015
From the Mouths of Babes
I did a stint as a teacher and it always amazed me what came out of the mouths of these babes.
Take the youngster who had spent the week before Christmas studying Christmas cards. "Don't men ever go to Heaven?" she asked.
"Of course," I assured her. "Why?"
"Because I never see any angels with whiskers on these cards."
Thinking fast, my female teaching assistant replied, "That's because men who do go to heaven get there by a close shave."
Logic would not have been half as good an answer.
Logic, in adult-posted signs, is often lost on kids too. Like my sister's youngster who, in seeing a sign in a store proclaiming, "Watch Batteries Installed -$5", asked, "Who would pay to watch batteries installed?"
"Charistmas' is often kicked off in our community by Santa arriving at the town square riding a fire engine. But what engaged three youngsters standing near me was the Dalmation dog sitting on the front seat of the engine. They began discussing what his duties might be.
"They use him to keep the crowds back," guessed one.
"No, he's just for good luck, voiced another.
"No, they use the dogs," the third child said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
The fire truck also visits schools to hype fire safety programs and one teacher themed a class lesson on duties of firemen. One student thought the main job was rescuing people. The teacher asked him to put that job into a proper sentence.
"The fireman came back down the ladder pregnant," was his effort.
Somewhat nonplussed, the teacher asked if he knew what 'pregnant' meant.
"Sure," returned the boy, it means 'carrying a child'."
Puberty is another word that puzzles kids. When my sister's girl asked her what it meant, sis told her to look it up and then they would talk about it. Upon her return she announced, "Puberty si the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children".
So what do you think about that?" asked sis.
"I'm not sure," her daughter replied. "I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear!"
The problem of which comes first, Christmas or New Year's Day, seems to perplex some kids. One I heard resolved it this way: "Christmas just barely sneaks in the nick of time before every new year. We try to hurry it up along about Halloween."
Another input reported, "I observed New Year's Day last year and what I observed was that New Year's Day comes quite late at night."
The group's final comment was, "A good reason for New Year's Eve is to tell the year to get ready to end. When a year or anything else gets to a good ending place, it should know enough to stop there and end."
The group also discussed New Year's resolutions. The one I remember best was stated this way: I resolved to always be honest because it is more important to be honest than rich and famous and happy." As he thought about that, he added, "Or at least any one of these...by itself...in most cases."
Take the youngster who had spent the week before Christmas studying Christmas cards. "Don't men ever go to Heaven?" she asked.
"Of course," I assured her. "Why?"
"Because I never see any angels with whiskers on these cards."
Thinking fast, my female teaching assistant replied, "That's because men who do go to heaven get there by a close shave."
Logic would not have been half as good an answer.
Logic, in adult-posted signs, is often lost on kids too. Like my sister's youngster who, in seeing a sign in a store proclaiming, "Watch Batteries Installed -$5", asked, "Who would pay to watch batteries installed?"
"Charistmas' is often kicked off in our community by Santa arriving at the town square riding a fire engine. But what engaged three youngsters standing near me was the Dalmation dog sitting on the front seat of the engine. They began discussing what his duties might be.
"They use him to keep the crowds back," guessed one.
"No, he's just for good luck, voiced another.
"No, they use the dogs," the third child said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
The fire truck also visits schools to hype fire safety programs and one teacher themed a class lesson on duties of firemen. One student thought the main job was rescuing people. The teacher asked him to put that job into a proper sentence.
"The fireman came back down the ladder pregnant," was his effort.
Somewhat nonplussed, the teacher asked if he knew what 'pregnant' meant.
"Sure," returned the boy, it means 'carrying a child'."
Puberty is another word that puzzles kids. When my sister's girl asked her what it meant, sis told her to look it up and then they would talk about it. Upon her return she announced, "Puberty si the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children".
So what do you think about that?" asked sis.
"I'm not sure," her daughter replied. "I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear!"
The problem of which comes first, Christmas or New Year's Day, seems to perplex some kids. One I heard resolved it this way: "Christmas just barely sneaks in the nick of time before every new year. We try to hurry it up along about Halloween."
Another input reported, "I observed New Year's Day last year and what I observed was that New Year's Day comes quite late at night."
The group's final comment was, "A good reason for New Year's Eve is to tell the year to get ready to end. When a year or anything else gets to a good ending place, it should know enough to stop there and end."
The group also discussed New Year's resolutions. The one I remember best was stated this way: I resolved to always be honest because it is more important to be honest than rich and famous and happy." As he thought about that, he added, "Or at least any one of these...by itself...in most cases."
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