Who Writes Your Stuff, Rev? - Part 2

     Churchmen have found a little humor goes a long way in reminding their parishioners about their duties to their church, as was seen in part 1. This is a continuation.

     St. Andrew's Episcopal Church of Oceanside, NY, tried a soft sell variation advertisement in its parish bulletin: "Hold the square at the right (a blank printed square) to your face and blow on it. If it turns green, call your physician. If it turns brown, see your dentist. If it turns purple, see your psychiatrist. If it turns red, see your banker. If it turns black, call your lawyer and make a will. If it remains the same color, you are in good health, and there is no reason on earth why you should not be in church next Sunday morning.
     Even after getting parishioners into the church pastors still have a problem outlined in the following two messages, handled slightly differently: 1) "Come early and get a back seat" stated one. 2) "Notice! We are giving up these back pews for Lent. For the Lord's sake, please sit up front," stated the other on a rope blocking off 13 rear pews.
     Clergymen, being charitable in nature by calling, have been known to share especially productive messages, like St. John's Lutheran of El Cajon, CA, and the Firestone Assembly of God Church in Southgate, CA, which both used when green stamps were in vogue: "Redemption center--No stamps necessary."
     On occasion messages have been shared with other denominations and creeds. A sign on a St. Louis church bulletin board, for example, read: "Merry Christmas to our Christian friends. Happy Hanukkah to our
Jewish friends. And to our Atheist friends--Good luck!"
     Sometimes it is difficult to determine who is who and what, like in the Armed Forces. There everyone has patches and insignias and chevrons identifying everyone relatively completely, because dress is so standardized that it works against stand-out recognition of individual units of religion. Thus the chaplains at Phu Cat air base in South Vietnam, during the war, came up with a unique method of identification. In bold white letters on the side of their jeeps they printed "The God Squad".
     Shortages in personnel happened to God's squads stateside occasionally, too. For a while several states were reporting a desperate need for priests. Things got so bad in Florida, in fact, a billboard was mounted at a busy intersection pleading: "White collar workers needed!"
     A weather report, or a very hot weather warning, whichever way the reader wanted to take it, was posted by the First Assembly of God Church in El Paso, TX. It read: "You think it's hot HERE!..." And, in similar vein, the Rev. Paul Jewert of the Emory Methodist Church of Jersey City, NJ, during a record-shattering heat wave in that city, posted: "Now that you know how hot Hell is, what are you going to do about it?"
     The answering quip for that one came from Perrysville, KY, where one church advertised: "Our auditorium is prayer conditioned!" Another church, under repair, kept its sermon short and to the point: "Renovating going on inside. How about you?"