Who Writes Your Stuff, Rev? - Part 2

     Churchmen have found a little humor goes a long way in reminding their parishioners about their duties to their church, as was seen in part 1. This is a continuation.

     St. Andrew's Episcopal Church of Oceanside, NY, tried a soft sell variation advertisement in its parish bulletin: "Hold the square at the right (a blank printed square) to your face and blow on it. If it turns green, call your physician. If it turns brown, see your dentist. If it turns purple, see your psychiatrist. If it turns red, see your banker. If it turns black, call your lawyer and make a will. If it remains the same color, you are in good health, and there is no reason on earth why you should not be in church next Sunday morning.
     Even after getting parishioners into the church pastors still have a problem outlined in the following two messages, handled slightly differently: 1) "Come early and get a back seat" stated one. 2) "Notice! We are giving up these back pews for Lent. For the Lord's sake, please sit up front," stated the other on a rope blocking off 13 rear pews.
     Clergymen, being charitable in nature by calling, have been known to share especially productive messages, like St. John's Lutheran of El Cajon, CA, and the Firestone Assembly of God Church in Southgate, CA, which both used when green stamps were in vogue: "Redemption center--No stamps necessary."
     On occasion messages have been shared with other denominations and creeds. A sign on a St. Louis church bulletin board, for example, read: "Merry Christmas to our Christian friends. Happy Hanukkah to our
Jewish friends. And to our Atheist friends--Good luck!"
     Sometimes it is difficult to determine who is who and what, like in the Armed Forces. There everyone has patches and insignias and chevrons identifying everyone relatively completely, because dress is so standardized that it works against stand-out recognition of individual units of religion. Thus the chaplains at Phu Cat air base in South Vietnam, during the war, came up with a unique method of identification. In bold white letters on the side of their jeeps they printed "The God Squad".
     Shortages in personnel happened to God's squads stateside occasionally, too. For a while several states were reporting a desperate need for priests. Things got so bad in Florida, in fact, a billboard was mounted at a busy intersection pleading: "White collar workers needed!"
     A weather report, or a very hot weather warning, whichever way the reader wanted to take it, was posted by the First Assembly of God Church in El Paso, TX. It read: "You think it's hot HERE!..." And, in similar vein, the Rev. Paul Jewert of the Emory Methodist Church of Jersey City, NJ, during a record-shattering heat wave in that city, posted: "Now that you know how hot Hell is, what are you going to do about it?"
     The answering quip for that one came from Perrysville, KY, where one church advertised: "Our auditorium is prayer conditioned!" Another church, under repair, kept its sermon short and to the point: "Renovating going on inside. How about you?"

Who Writes Your Stuff, Rev?

     A person's religion, ordinarily, is no joking matter, but most pastors and other holy men are really pixies at heart, if we can judge from the following "signs" of religion posted at churches throughout the country. The churchman's philosophy, in fact, might be summed up in a short verse found on the wall of the Chester Cathedral in England:

"Give me some humor, Lord.

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some happiness in life,

And pass it on to other folk."

     For illustration, take some of the signs posted by the pastor of the North Hollywood Christian Church. "Come in and get your faith lifted," stated one. "Are you praying more and enjoying it less?" asked another. Life is fragile; handle with prayer," admonished another.

     In Oklahoma City was seen: "When in doubt, faith it!" In New York: Please come in and do an about faith." In Greendale, WI: "First come, first saved." 

     Tongue-in-cheek postings at other churches gently reminded parishioners of attendance lapses: "Visitors welcomed. Members expected" was the way a Clayton, IN, church did it. "Trespassers welcome" was the Bethany Lutheran of Ocean Bay way. And a Dolton, IL, one sported a large color-lighted sign one summer reading simply: "His Place". And, finally, a church bulletin board in Grand Rapids, MI, relayed the message: "We are open between Easter and Christmas," which, we suspect, meant much the same thing.

     Seasonal specials have fronted a Buffalo, NY, church: "Stop here for your holiday spirits" and later: "All new sermons - No summer reruns!"

     Occasionally pastors find more public platforms from which to get their messages across. For example, many newspaper columnists have found odd signs make good copy. One classic exchange happened when a Washington, DC Post writer mentioned that that year was blessed with three Fridays the 13th. A clergyman, upon reading this, immediately telephoned to remind him that there were also 53 Sundays that year.

     Some clergymen prefer to take a more direct line, like: "Try one of our Sundays" , fronting a Clarkston, WA, tabernacle, or "The competition is terrific, but we're still open on Sundays" in front of a Nebraska church, or "We reserve the right to accept everybody" on the bulletin board of a New Jersey church.

     Reverend John Lindsay of the Community Baptist Church of Medford, MA, was one of this more practical group too. In large type on his outdoor bulletin board he pleaded, "Wanted. Pew fillers. Apply Sunday 10:30 a.m." And attendance duly increased, so it evidently is true that it pays to advertise. Even if the ad is obfuscated a bit, like this one in the bulletin of a St. Louis, MO, church: "The acoustical properties of our sanctuary have been analyzed by our audio engineers and found to be needing more persons in the pews to absorb the reflected sound waves." Same message. Just took longer to say it.