HIS AND HERS

     Teen agers often like to have his' and her's matching this or that, like matching bracelets with each others names on them, or matching T-shirts with her wearing one labeled "His" and him wearing one labeled "Hers" and so on. But recently I read about this cute practice being turned up a notch. A Manhattan designer named Ben Kahn was offering matching "his" and "hers" fur coats in Nutria or Black Seal for $2,000 each. Topping that, Nieman-Marcus of Dallas featured his and hers bathtubs, at $4,000 each, and black willow Minks at $50,000 each. There were, regretfully, "Sold out" signs on other models costing $75,000.
     These examples haven't exactly started a trend, but there have been a number of other unusual his-and-hers items noted in the media...enough to see that the theme has caught onto the public fancy. For example, in Lawndale, Maryland, a car was noted with the names of opposing political candidates on opposite sides of the rear bumper. One candidate had "His", the other "Hers", under them.
    Another report had a European made station wagon with flag decals on the side windows. One side sported an Irish one marked "His" and the other side had a French one marked "Hers". Awhile later the reporter noted the addition of  American flag decals alongside them. It seems the owners had become American citizens.
    In Malibu, California, there were a pair of Cadillacs noted with license plates "His" and "Hers". "He" got the special plates after she garnered a dented fender on "hers". A Portsmouth couple, with matched Porsches, smilingly reported he parks his in front of their house and she parks hers in back, giving them both "a front Porsche and a back Porsche".
     Where but in Southern California would you find his and hers auto accidents? The wife comes home distraught and relates to her husband that a car banged into her from behind at a stop sign. Then he tells her he had his car banged into also, while waiting for a car ahead to make a left turn. Discussion turned up the fact that both accidents happened at 4 PM. at intersections of Beverly Boulevard.
     In Bismarck, ND, a home-planning husband devised what he considered a realistic garage. On one door of the double garage he painted "His" and on the other, which was two feet wider, he painted "Hers".
     Then there was the bachelor apartment sporting a pair of towels racked in the bathroom labeled "His" and "To Whom It May Concern". While, in another household, with kids, were three towel racks. One was "His", a really clean, neat one was "Hers" and a scruffy, dirty one was "Theirs". Another household with kids also had three towel holders: "His", "Hers" and a huge bath towel labeled "Little League". Next to these was one more rack- holding a fancy embroidered towel - labeled "Hands off", for guests, of course. Adding a bit of humor was the politician who threatened to put up towels in the State House loo labeled "Hems" and "
Haws".
     The bedroom of a model home in Bayside, NY reportedly had three closets, on which the male realtor had attached temporary signs stating: "His", "Hers" and "Probably hers also".
     Behind a duplex, where a young male lived in one half and a young female lived in the other half, there were two trash cans. The male, embarrassed by garbage men jibes about all the feminine product packages in their garbage, painted "His" on his can. She, no less embarrassed by all the booze bottles and beer cans in his, then painted "Hers" on hers.
     Perhaps the cleverest advertising clone was the magazine subscription company hyping two-subscriptions for the price of one - His and Her magazine choices. But the most useful item of all has to be the Party Blanket sold by Collegiate Hall of Warren, Ohio. The blanket is ideal for everything from beach parties to the big game, with two quilted triple pockets for keeping hands warm and stowing bottles of good cheer. Available with either "Jack" and "Jill" or "His" and "Hers" embroidered on the twin pockets.
     Varied entrepreneurs at various times have jumped onto the his-and-hers merchandising gimmick with gusto. A hair stylist in Los Angeles was touting his and hers curlers for sale. A Bucks County, Pennsylvania man named Don Kooker started marketing his and hers walking sticks in 1967, hand crafted from highly polished walnut, topped with a sterling disk bearing the Kooker coat of arms and with buyers initials included: $45. The Wanderlust and Woodland Nymph sticks measured 37, 34 or 31 inches in length, while the He-Man Staff, the Stallion Stick and the Sire's Scepter measured.46, 43 and 40 inches respectively. Eventually they were selling in U.S. stores like Saks Fifth Avenue, Neiman-Marcus and Abercrombie & Fitch and one was bought by none other than noted walker Queen Mum Elizabeth of England.
     The Industrial Savings Bank of Flint, Michigan, some years back, introduced his and hers bank vaults. According to ads the 432-square feet "hers" vault was suitable for "gems, silver and gold, stocks, cash and other personal mementos". The 1,054-square feet "his" was suitable for storing small personal collections of "art, antique automobiles, firearms and cash". Just the thing for pre-nup couples.
     Not every merchandising brainstorm works, of course. Firestone once (in the 1960s) toyed with the idea of auto tires with flowered sidewalls. Tires for men would feature a wide, bold tread, while those for women would be fashioned with colored studs in the tread and a flowery sidewall stripe. Never got out of the experimental stage, though.
     Another failure was the Italian Fiat Vanessa 850 prototype auto in 1966. It featured violet interiors, a turntable driver's seat for easy entrance and exit, an elegant cosmetics bag within easy reach, along with a multitude of practical features, like safety belts for children, a rear window designed to open so a shopper could remove groceries easily from the back seat, and the trunk divided into various storage compartments. Men didn't go for the violet boudoir look and, as it turned out, women did not especially want an "exclusively feminine" car.
     I would be lax if I didn't mention that other his-and-hers pairing necessary in every booze palace. The Onaway Bar in Washington, owned by a fancier of bird dog, has its toilets labeled "Pointers" and "Setters". He says some people will stand and look at those doors for five minutes before they figure out which one to open.
     When the newer Atlanta Braves baseball stadium construction was not quite complete by opening night, temporary signs,  "Braves" and "Squaws", were mounted on toilets.Complaints were numerous. Not as numerous as the quizzical queries arising at a Bedfordshire, England factory being built that had three similar doors in a hallway marked "Ladies", "Gentlemen" and , between them, one labeled "Experimental".
   

A MOTHER-IN-LAW RANT

     My mother-in-law and I never got along.
     When she came to visit all I thought of was just another mouth to heed. Most people who think the art of conversation is dead have to sit in a movie audience to find out how wrong they are. But not me. My mother-in-law gets up first thing in the morning, brushes her teeth, then sharpens her tongue.
     She's a woman of a few (thousand) words - a born controversationalist.. In her case, whoever named it small talk was a poor judge of quantity. If exercise eliminates fat, I don't understand what she is doing with a double chin.
    She's a chain talker, lighting one sentence right off the spark of the last. I think it is nice to be able to hold a conversation, but I think you ought to let go of it now and then too.  She's so wound up in herself that, when she looks out a window she can't see any further than her own reflection. She really keeps our conversations ho-humming. Even when she talks about me, she bores me.
    She doesn't just enter a room, she invades it. Someone warned me that she was outspoken, but they could never name by who. You've heard people arguing pro and con, but her "pro" means her convincing and unanswerable statements, while "con" is the contemptible drivel of the person arguing with her. And she can always back up her logic with readings. She reads a lot, though it's actually only enough to keep her misinformed.
     I think I'd pay money to hear her argue with one of those tobacco auctioneers. It wouldn't make any difference to her if she understood him or not. Once she was hoarse for a week trying to have the last word with an echo. Yet she always says she is willing to meet people half-way. What she means, unfortunately, is that she will admit she's wrong if you will admit she's right.

THE NAVY WAY*

       A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

       The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following
  note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
       "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
  I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
  officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM      prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
  they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
  point: No Jews please."

       Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
  "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
  possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
  my best and most prized officers.
       "One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
  additional Master’s degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
  design.
      "The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
  graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in
  Aeronautical Engineering. His Master’s Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
  and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
  also an astronaut candidate.
       "The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
  systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
  notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.
       "Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
  ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
  Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
  Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
  Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

       Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and
  looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
  escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
  women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

        At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
  at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
  handsome, smiling Black officers.
        Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
  "There must be some mistake."
       "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

     (This was forwarded to me without origination credit. But I think it needs to be more widely printed and read and I suspect the writer who penned it will approve (since this blog is not commercialized by accepting crass filthy lucre).

WORKING YOUR GRAY CELLS OVERTIME

     The following are questions originally asked to test the gray cells of senior citizens, but I think you other readers ought to try it too, even though it may not be fun discovering how clueless you are. The test originator was not named, but must be someone sly and devious, probably with an agenda to embarrass us and make himself/herself feel superior. But, if this is not enough warning, then, by all means, press on. See if you are, as you perceive yourself, Mensa material.

1.Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April; the second was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. A clerk at a butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. How much dirt is in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

4. Which word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

5. Billy was born on December 28, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

6. You cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg in California. Why not?

7. What was the President's name in 1975?

8. You are running a race and pass the person in second place, so what place would you now be in?

9. Which is correct to say: "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white."

10. A farmer has five hay stacks in one field and four in another field. How many hay stacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?

ANSWERS:

1 Read the question again. The answer is "Johnny", of course.
2. He's a butcher. He weighs meat.
3. A hole doesn't have any dirt in it.
4. Incorrectly, according to the dictionary, must always be spelled "incorrectly".
5. This is the really "cute" question. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
6. You just can't take a picture with a wooden leg. Didn't you read the question?
7. Same as his name is now, Barack Obama.
8. Well, you passed the person in second place, so you take his place: second.
9. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow. Are you color blind?
10. He combines the nine stacks, so he now has one big stack. What don't you understand about the word "combine"?

Maybe your reading skills and comprehension just need upgrading!