Golf is fun if you don't take it too seriously. I don't. I pretty much play with a 2 wood, a 7 iron and a putter, which proves I don't. Luckily, I have duffer friends who don't care that no serious golfers will play with us.
Over time I have formed some thoughts on the sport that I will share, in case any reader should be considering embarking on golfing as a hobby or a healthful activity.
The sport is 10% mental and 90% temper-mental. It's not something you can play in revenge to get even with!
A golf game is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
Counting on an opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own manhood.
If you really want to become a better player, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Any change in your stroke or approach may work for three holes, or a minimum of none at all.
Don't try to keep all 230 instructions you've had in your mind during your swing.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
The less skilled a player is, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing with you.
Nonchalant putts count the same as 'chalant putts.
It's not a "gimme" if you are still "away".
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 40-foot putt when you already lie 8.
When you look up, causing a terrible shot, you will always look down and cuss at exactly the moment you should be watching the ball, if you ever want to see it again.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course will be a straight line passing directly through a very large and leafy tree.
You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time,,,and hit a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your many other bad habits.
No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Thursday, January 19, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Annother Naughty Joke?"
The husband was leaving the house as his wife waved goodbye. The butler, Jeeves, is holding the door. Wife turns to the butler. "Jeeves, come into my room." He follows her there. "Shut the door," she commands. He does.
"Come closer so you can hear me clearly." He does.
"I want you to take off my dress." He does.
"And take off my slip."
"Now my shoes."
"And my stockings."
"And my bra and panties....
And don't ever let me catch you wearing them again!"
GOT YA!
"Come closer so you can hear me clearly." He does.
"I want you to take off my dress." He does.
"And take off my slip."
"Now my shoes."
"And my stockings."
"And my bra and panties....
And don't ever let me catch you wearing them again!"
GOT YA!
Thursday, January 12, 2017
R.L.Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "About Your New Year's Resolutions"
Starting new year 2017 at age 92 I am fairly content with my life. I'll admit there is a long list of New Year's resolutions broken along the way, but I've found most things work out OK if you just keep plugging along doing the best you can. Most resolutions I've made - and most people make - have not been life-changing anyhow.
But recently I came across an old Dear Abby column that presented a letter from L.J. Bhatia of New Delhi, India, that is so nice that I think I will post it on the bulletin board above my desk as at least a guide upon my actions hereon. He quotes his Holy Vedas: "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."
He goes on to state, "The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, love.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in the pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying that we are born in eternal life."
But recently I came across an old Dear Abby column that presented a letter from L.J. Bhatia of New Delhi, India, that is so nice that I think I will post it on the bulletin board above my desk as at least a guide upon my actions hereon. He quotes his Holy Vedas: "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."
He goes on to state, "The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, love.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in the pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying that we are born in eternal life."
Monday, January 9, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Naughty Joke
I think Catholic priests get teased in jokes more than any other religious denominational leader. I'm not a Catholic, but I think the two priests I know would smile - probably indulgently - at this one I found, uncredited, on the Internet. But if not, I doubt the world will stop spinning and I pray they will forgive and forget.
A new priest, at his first mass, was so nervous he could hardly speak. But he got through it and, upon completion, asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about becoming nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
Taking the monsignor's advice the next Sunday, he again started getting nervous as he faced the congregation. So he took a drink, paused as it charged his system and then proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office after the mass he found the following not pinned to the door:
"1, Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12,
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5, Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not 'bet his ass'.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late J.C.'
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'.
8. David 'slew' Goliath. He did not 'kick the shit out of him'.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say he 'was stoned off his ass'.
10. We do not refer to the cross as 'the Big T'.
11. When Jesus broke bread at the last supper. he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body'. He did not say, 'Eat me'.
12. The Virgin Mary is not called ;Mary with the cherry'.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!'
14. Note that next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's'."
A new priest, at his first mass, was so nervous he could hardly speak. But he got through it and, upon completion, asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about becoming nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
Taking the monsignor's advice the next Sunday, he again started getting nervous as he faced the congregation. So he took a drink, paused as it charged his system and then proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office after the mass he found the following not pinned to the door:
"1, Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12,
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5, Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not 'bet his ass'.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late J.C.'
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'.
8. David 'slew' Goliath. He did not 'kick the shit out of him'.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say he 'was stoned off his ass'.
10. We do not refer to the cross as 'the Big T'.
11. When Jesus broke bread at the last supper. he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body'. He did not say, 'Eat me'.
12. The Virgin Mary is not called ;Mary with the cherry'.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!'
14. Note that next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's'."
Friday, December 2, 2016
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "What's New?"
Did you know that at one time - somewhere in the 1800s, I believe it was - the American Patent Office was considering closing because officials thought "everything that can be invented HAS been invented"?
In retrospect now, that is so laughable.
Anyone who writes usually reads a lot and that includes me. Previously I have used this blog column to announce some of the wonders still being invented by industrious, innovational people. I'd like to, in this column, bring a few more of the more outstanding things, both big and small in world import, that maybe haven't gotten enough attention.
1. We read about used plastic materials clogging our oceans, rivers and garbage dumps, but now a company called By Fusion has found a way to make used plastic bricks for construction. (Fast Company Magazine)
2. Millions of couples struggle to have children and fail - poor egg quality, uterus disorder, weak swimming sperm, etc - but now we have "spermbot", a tiny, corkscrew-shaped motor designed to drive lethargic sperm to their targets. It wraps around the sperm's tail, then propels it into the egg. The Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine has tested it on bovine sperm and eggs, but hasn't achieved successful fertilization as yet. (Fast Company Magazine, October 2016)
3, British researchers suggest gum chewing may improve a variety of cognitive functions, including memory, alertness, and attention, as well as enhance performance on intelligence and math tests.(Reader's Digest October 2016).
4. Google Cardboard has come up with a low-cost and trouble-free app teachers should love. It takes students on virtual reality field trips. It's Expedition Tool offers 200 virtual reality trips.
(Lewiston, ID, Tribune).
5. Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the University of Maryland have built a robot clam that out-digs any other digging machine on the market tenfold. The prototype is only 4 to 8 inches long, but performed so well the team is now building a larger version.
They studied the razor clam and found it digs so quickly by "fluidizing" the sand it's digging into, making it act like a fluid rather than a solid. It does this by contracting its body and sort of sucking in, creating a vacuum, causing the sand to become unstable and start moving.
It could prove invaluable as low-energy anchors or as an environmentally safe way to lay down more intercontinental undersea fiber optic cable. (Los Angeles Times April 2, 2014)
6. Populations in the 20 most peaceful countries total less than 500 million, whereas 2.3 billion people live in the world's least peaceful countries. So, out of the total world 's population of 7.3 billion, there are nearly three times as many people living in the 20 least peaceful countries than in the 20 most peaceful.
Of the 10 most peaceful countries, all are stable democracies. And, countries surrounded by other peaceful countries are more likely to experience high levels of peace. (Christian Science Monitor Oct. 12, 2015)
7. Dutch researchers discovered wearing sox to bed improves sex! They had 13 couples lay with their heads in a scanner while their partners "excited" them. They found about half the women couldn't climax because their feet were cold. When they doled out sox to increase subjects' body temperatures 80 % reached orgasm. (Reader's Digest Oct. 2016)
In retrospect now, that is so laughable.
Anyone who writes usually reads a lot and that includes me. Previously I have used this blog column to announce some of the wonders still being invented by industrious, innovational people. I'd like to, in this column, bring a few more of the more outstanding things, both big and small in world import, that maybe haven't gotten enough attention.
1. We read about used plastic materials clogging our oceans, rivers and garbage dumps, but now a company called By Fusion has found a way to make used plastic bricks for construction. (Fast Company Magazine)
2. Millions of couples struggle to have children and fail - poor egg quality, uterus disorder, weak swimming sperm, etc - but now we have "spermbot", a tiny, corkscrew-shaped motor designed to drive lethargic sperm to their targets. It wraps around the sperm's tail, then propels it into the egg. The Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine has tested it on bovine sperm and eggs, but hasn't achieved successful fertilization as yet. (Fast Company Magazine, October 2016)
3, British researchers suggest gum chewing may improve a variety of cognitive functions, including memory, alertness, and attention, as well as enhance performance on intelligence and math tests.(Reader's Digest October 2016).
4. Google Cardboard has come up with a low-cost and trouble-free app teachers should love. It takes students on virtual reality field trips. It's Expedition Tool offers 200 virtual reality trips.
(Lewiston, ID, Tribune).
5. Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the University of Maryland have built a robot clam that out-digs any other digging machine on the market tenfold. The prototype is only 4 to 8 inches long, but performed so well the team is now building a larger version.
They studied the razor clam and found it digs so quickly by "fluidizing" the sand it's digging into, making it act like a fluid rather than a solid. It does this by contracting its body and sort of sucking in, creating a vacuum, causing the sand to become unstable and start moving.
It could prove invaluable as low-energy anchors or as an environmentally safe way to lay down more intercontinental undersea fiber optic cable. (Los Angeles Times April 2, 2014)
6. Populations in the 20 most peaceful countries total less than 500 million, whereas 2.3 billion people live in the world's least peaceful countries. So, out of the total world 's population of 7.3 billion, there are nearly three times as many people living in the 20 least peaceful countries than in the 20 most peaceful.
Of the 10 most peaceful countries, all are stable democracies. And, countries surrounded by other peaceful countries are more likely to experience high levels of peace. (Christian Science Monitor Oct. 12, 2015)
7. Dutch researchers discovered wearing sox to bed improves sex! They had 13 couples lay with their heads in a scanner while their partners "excited" them. They found about half the women couldn't climax because their feet were cold. When they doled out sox to increase subjects' body temperatures 80 % reached orgasm. (Reader's Digest Oct. 2016)
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Stink Pink (Continued)"
Last column explained an old word game that tested one's vocabulary called Stink Pink. One person would present a (hopefully) humorous deftnition, plus the number of syllables in the two rhyming words being sought. It was a mad fad for a time with even newspaper columnists and comic section cartoonists being drawn into it.
That column seems to have resonated with some of my senior friends who remembered it and started playing it at the local senior center. They have come up with such a plethora of rhymings as to amaze and amuse me that I'm passing them on to you readers.
One-syllable matchings:
Ex-lax = purge urge
Urge to do something = slim whim
A hospital's first-aid kit = nurse purse
Dog house = mutt hut
Crying twin babies = scream team
Duck dinner = quack snack
Handsome couple dressed for a formal = Slick chick and sleek sheik
Smart conversation rejoinder = hip quip
The first Bikini = Eve's leaves
Dumb seller of stolen goods = dense fence
Medieval land grab = fief thief
Rainy-day taxi shortage = hack lack
Monarch's jewelry = king's rings
Preparation for a foul dinner = chicken pickin'
Fish story = reel spiel
Fancy chandelier = class glass
Lady Godiva on a bender = stewed nude
Spanking = seat heat
cemetery = bone zone
wrinkles = age gauge
Tabloid = smash trash
Two-syllable matchings:
Pet cat needing a combing = shabby tabby
Result of a rap contest = lipping whipping
Un-hip mother = dummy mummy
Relative who is always phoning = buzzin' cousin
African drum = Congo bongo
Sunburned aspiring actress = scarlet starlet
Shortest distance between two antagonistic cats = feline beeline
Cracked-up skier = aching breaking
Person asking to be kissed = smoocher moocher
Pedestrian crossing a busy street = bumper jumper
Church-run shellfish business = oyster cloister
Protectors of the universe = global nobles
Beautiful but sad female = wryful eyeful
Male turned female = gender bender
Sunday church activity = sermon squirmin'
Eye doctor = winker tinker
Stomach specialist = gizzard wizard
Hash = griddle riddle
Baby sitter = yelper helper
Three-syllable matchings:
Seamstress doing fancy work = stitchery witchery
Raffish man-of-the-cloth = sinister minister
Zoo worker who takes care of red birds with black wings = Tanager manager
Super-powered slingshot = fantastic elastic
Horse that pulled a wrecked farm vehicle out of a bog = ex-tractor extractor
Four-syllable matchings:
Middle-Eastern fruit vendor's establishment = Afghanistan banana-stand
New York whiskey storage vault = Knickerbocker liquor-locker
That column seems to have resonated with some of my senior friends who remembered it and started playing it at the local senior center. They have come up with such a plethora of rhymings as to amaze and amuse me that I'm passing them on to you readers.
One-syllable matchings:
Ex-lax = purge urge
Urge to do something = slim whim
A hospital's first-aid kit = nurse purse
Dog house = mutt hut
Crying twin babies = scream team
Duck dinner = quack snack
Handsome couple dressed for a formal = Slick chick and sleek sheik
Smart conversation rejoinder = hip quip
The first Bikini = Eve's leaves
Dumb seller of stolen goods = dense fence
Medieval land grab = fief thief
Rainy-day taxi shortage = hack lack
Monarch's jewelry = king's rings
Preparation for a foul dinner = chicken pickin'
Fish story = reel spiel
Fancy chandelier = class glass
Lady Godiva on a bender = stewed nude
Spanking = seat heat
cemetery = bone zone
wrinkles = age gauge
Tabloid = smash trash
Two-syllable matchings:
Pet cat needing a combing = shabby tabby
Result of a rap contest = lipping whipping
Un-hip mother = dummy mummy
Relative who is always phoning = buzzin' cousin
African drum = Congo bongo
Sunburned aspiring actress = scarlet starlet
Shortest distance between two antagonistic cats = feline beeline
Cracked-up skier = aching breaking
Person asking to be kissed = smoocher moocher
Pedestrian crossing a busy street = bumper jumper
Church-run shellfish business = oyster cloister
Protectors of the universe = global nobles
Beautiful but sad female = wryful eyeful
Male turned female = gender bender
Sunday church activity = sermon squirmin'
Eye doctor = winker tinker
Stomach specialist = gizzard wizard
Hash = griddle riddle
Baby sitter = yelper helper
Three-syllable matchings:
Seamstress doing fancy work = stitchery witchery
Raffish man-of-the-cloth = sinister minister
Zoo worker who takes care of red birds with black wings = Tanager manager
Super-powered slingshot = fantastic elastic
Horse that pulled a wrecked farm vehicle out of a bog = ex-tractor extractor
Four-syllable matchings:
Middle-Eastern fruit vendor's establishment = Afghanistan banana-stand
New York whiskey storage vault = Knickerbocker liquor-locker
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)