The husband was leaving the house as his wife waved goodbye. The butler, Jeeves, is holding the door. Wife turns to the butler. "Jeeves, come into my room." He follows her there. "Shut the door," she commands. He does.
"Come closer so you can hear me clearly." He does.
"I want you to take off my dress." He does.
"And take off my slip."
"Now my shoes."
"And my stockings."
"And my bra and panties....
And don't ever let me catch you wearing them again!"
GOT YA!
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Thursday, January 12, 2017
R.L.Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "About Your New Year's Resolutions"
Starting new year 2017 at age 92 I am fairly content with my life. I'll admit there is a long list of New Year's resolutions broken along the way, but I've found most things work out OK if you just keep plugging along doing the best you can. Most resolutions I've made - and most people make - have not been life-changing anyhow.
But recently I came across an old Dear Abby column that presented a letter from L.J. Bhatia of New Delhi, India, that is so nice that I think I will post it on the bulletin board above my desk as at least a guide upon my actions hereon. He quotes his Holy Vedas: "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."
He goes on to state, "The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, love.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in the pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying that we are born in eternal life."
But recently I came across an old Dear Abby column that presented a letter from L.J. Bhatia of New Delhi, India, that is so nice that I think I will post it on the bulletin board above my desk as at least a guide upon my actions hereon. He quotes his Holy Vedas: "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."
He goes on to state, "The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, love.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in the pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying that we are born in eternal life."
Monday, January 9, 2017
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Naughty Joke
I think Catholic priests get teased in jokes more than any other religious denominational leader. I'm not a Catholic, but I think the two priests I know would smile - probably indulgently - at this one I found, uncredited, on the Internet. But if not, I doubt the world will stop spinning and I pray they will forgive and forget.
A new priest, at his first mass, was so nervous he could hardly speak. But he got through it and, upon completion, asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about becoming nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
Taking the monsignor's advice the next Sunday, he again started getting nervous as he faced the congregation. So he took a drink, paused as it charged his system and then proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office after the mass he found the following not pinned to the door:
"1, Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12,
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5, Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not 'bet his ass'.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late J.C.'
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'.
8. David 'slew' Goliath. He did not 'kick the shit out of him'.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say he 'was stoned off his ass'.
10. We do not refer to the cross as 'the Big T'.
11. When Jesus broke bread at the last supper. he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body'. He did not say, 'Eat me'.
12. The Virgin Mary is not called ;Mary with the cherry'.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!'
14. Note that next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's'."
A new priest, at his first mass, was so nervous he could hardly speak. But he got through it and, upon completion, asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about becoming nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
Taking the monsignor's advice the next Sunday, he again started getting nervous as he faced the congregation. So he took a drink, paused as it charged his system and then proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office after the mass he found the following not pinned to the door:
"1, Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12,
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5, Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not 'bet his ass'.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late J.C.'
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'.
8. David 'slew' Goliath. He did not 'kick the shit out of him'.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say he 'was stoned off his ass'.
10. We do not refer to the cross as 'the Big T'.
11. When Jesus broke bread at the last supper. he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body'. He did not say, 'Eat me'.
12. The Virgin Mary is not called ;Mary with the cherry'.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!'
14. Note that next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's'."
Friday, December 2, 2016
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "What's New?"
Did you know that at one time - somewhere in the 1800s, I believe it was - the American Patent Office was considering closing because officials thought "everything that can be invented HAS been invented"?
In retrospect now, that is so laughable.
Anyone who writes usually reads a lot and that includes me. Previously I have used this blog column to announce some of the wonders still being invented by industrious, innovational people. I'd like to, in this column, bring a few more of the more outstanding things, both big and small in world import, that maybe haven't gotten enough attention.
1. We read about used plastic materials clogging our oceans, rivers and garbage dumps, but now a company called By Fusion has found a way to make used plastic bricks for construction. (Fast Company Magazine)
2. Millions of couples struggle to have children and fail - poor egg quality, uterus disorder, weak swimming sperm, etc - but now we have "spermbot", a tiny, corkscrew-shaped motor designed to drive lethargic sperm to their targets. It wraps around the sperm's tail, then propels it into the egg. The Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine has tested it on bovine sperm and eggs, but hasn't achieved successful fertilization as yet. (Fast Company Magazine, October 2016)
3, British researchers suggest gum chewing may improve a variety of cognitive functions, including memory, alertness, and attention, as well as enhance performance on intelligence and math tests.(Reader's Digest October 2016).
4. Google Cardboard has come up with a low-cost and trouble-free app teachers should love. It takes students on virtual reality field trips. It's Expedition Tool offers 200 virtual reality trips.
(Lewiston, ID, Tribune).
5. Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the University of Maryland have built a robot clam that out-digs any other digging machine on the market tenfold. The prototype is only 4 to 8 inches long, but performed so well the team is now building a larger version.
They studied the razor clam and found it digs so quickly by "fluidizing" the sand it's digging into, making it act like a fluid rather than a solid. It does this by contracting its body and sort of sucking in, creating a vacuum, causing the sand to become unstable and start moving.
It could prove invaluable as low-energy anchors or as an environmentally safe way to lay down more intercontinental undersea fiber optic cable. (Los Angeles Times April 2, 2014)
6. Populations in the 20 most peaceful countries total less than 500 million, whereas 2.3 billion people live in the world's least peaceful countries. So, out of the total world 's population of 7.3 billion, there are nearly three times as many people living in the 20 least peaceful countries than in the 20 most peaceful.
Of the 10 most peaceful countries, all are stable democracies. And, countries surrounded by other peaceful countries are more likely to experience high levels of peace. (Christian Science Monitor Oct. 12, 2015)
7. Dutch researchers discovered wearing sox to bed improves sex! They had 13 couples lay with their heads in a scanner while their partners "excited" them. They found about half the women couldn't climax because their feet were cold. When they doled out sox to increase subjects' body temperatures 80 % reached orgasm. (Reader's Digest Oct. 2016)
In retrospect now, that is so laughable.
Anyone who writes usually reads a lot and that includes me. Previously I have used this blog column to announce some of the wonders still being invented by industrious, innovational people. I'd like to, in this column, bring a few more of the more outstanding things, both big and small in world import, that maybe haven't gotten enough attention.
1. We read about used plastic materials clogging our oceans, rivers and garbage dumps, but now a company called By Fusion has found a way to make used plastic bricks for construction. (Fast Company Magazine)
2. Millions of couples struggle to have children and fail - poor egg quality, uterus disorder, weak swimming sperm, etc - but now we have "spermbot", a tiny, corkscrew-shaped motor designed to drive lethargic sperm to their targets. It wraps around the sperm's tail, then propels it into the egg. The Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine has tested it on bovine sperm and eggs, but hasn't achieved successful fertilization as yet. (Fast Company Magazine, October 2016)
3, British researchers suggest gum chewing may improve a variety of cognitive functions, including memory, alertness, and attention, as well as enhance performance on intelligence and math tests.(Reader's Digest October 2016).
4. Google Cardboard has come up with a low-cost and trouble-free app teachers should love. It takes students on virtual reality field trips. It's Expedition Tool offers 200 virtual reality trips.
(Lewiston, ID, Tribune).
5. Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the University of Maryland have built a robot clam that out-digs any other digging machine on the market tenfold. The prototype is only 4 to 8 inches long, but performed so well the team is now building a larger version.
They studied the razor clam and found it digs so quickly by "fluidizing" the sand it's digging into, making it act like a fluid rather than a solid. It does this by contracting its body and sort of sucking in, creating a vacuum, causing the sand to become unstable and start moving.
It could prove invaluable as low-energy anchors or as an environmentally safe way to lay down more intercontinental undersea fiber optic cable. (Los Angeles Times April 2, 2014)
6. Populations in the 20 most peaceful countries total less than 500 million, whereas 2.3 billion people live in the world's least peaceful countries. So, out of the total world 's population of 7.3 billion, there are nearly three times as many people living in the 20 least peaceful countries than in the 20 most peaceful.
Of the 10 most peaceful countries, all are stable democracies. And, countries surrounded by other peaceful countries are more likely to experience high levels of peace. (Christian Science Monitor Oct. 12, 2015)
7. Dutch researchers discovered wearing sox to bed improves sex! They had 13 couples lay with their heads in a scanner while their partners "excited" them. They found about half the women couldn't climax because their feet were cold. When they doled out sox to increase subjects' body temperatures 80 % reached orgasm. (Reader's Digest Oct. 2016)
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Stink Pink (Continued)"
Last column explained an old word game that tested one's vocabulary called Stink Pink. One person would present a (hopefully) humorous deftnition, plus the number of syllables in the two rhyming words being sought. It was a mad fad for a time with even newspaper columnists and comic section cartoonists being drawn into it.
That column seems to have resonated with some of my senior friends who remembered it and started playing it at the local senior center. They have come up with such a plethora of rhymings as to amaze and amuse me that I'm passing them on to you readers.
One-syllable matchings:
Ex-lax = purge urge
Urge to do something = slim whim
A hospital's first-aid kit = nurse purse
Dog house = mutt hut
Crying twin babies = scream team
Duck dinner = quack snack
Handsome couple dressed for a formal = Slick chick and sleek sheik
Smart conversation rejoinder = hip quip
The first Bikini = Eve's leaves
Dumb seller of stolen goods = dense fence
Medieval land grab = fief thief
Rainy-day taxi shortage = hack lack
Monarch's jewelry = king's rings
Preparation for a foul dinner = chicken pickin'
Fish story = reel spiel
Fancy chandelier = class glass
Lady Godiva on a bender = stewed nude
Spanking = seat heat
cemetery = bone zone
wrinkles = age gauge
Tabloid = smash trash
Two-syllable matchings:
Pet cat needing a combing = shabby tabby
Result of a rap contest = lipping whipping
Un-hip mother = dummy mummy
Relative who is always phoning = buzzin' cousin
African drum = Congo bongo
Sunburned aspiring actress = scarlet starlet
Shortest distance between two antagonistic cats = feline beeline
Cracked-up skier = aching breaking
Person asking to be kissed = smoocher moocher
Pedestrian crossing a busy street = bumper jumper
Church-run shellfish business = oyster cloister
Protectors of the universe = global nobles
Beautiful but sad female = wryful eyeful
Male turned female = gender bender
Sunday church activity = sermon squirmin'
Eye doctor = winker tinker
Stomach specialist = gizzard wizard
Hash = griddle riddle
Baby sitter = yelper helper
Three-syllable matchings:
Seamstress doing fancy work = stitchery witchery
Raffish man-of-the-cloth = sinister minister
Zoo worker who takes care of red birds with black wings = Tanager manager
Super-powered slingshot = fantastic elastic
Horse that pulled a wrecked farm vehicle out of a bog = ex-tractor extractor
Four-syllable matchings:
Middle-Eastern fruit vendor's establishment = Afghanistan banana-stand
New York whiskey storage vault = Knickerbocker liquor-locker
That column seems to have resonated with some of my senior friends who remembered it and started playing it at the local senior center. They have come up with such a plethora of rhymings as to amaze and amuse me that I'm passing them on to you readers.
One-syllable matchings:
Ex-lax = purge urge
Urge to do something = slim whim
A hospital's first-aid kit = nurse purse
Dog house = mutt hut
Crying twin babies = scream team
Duck dinner = quack snack
Handsome couple dressed for a formal = Slick chick and sleek sheik
Smart conversation rejoinder = hip quip
The first Bikini = Eve's leaves
Dumb seller of stolen goods = dense fence
Medieval land grab = fief thief
Rainy-day taxi shortage = hack lack
Monarch's jewelry = king's rings
Preparation for a foul dinner = chicken pickin'
Fish story = reel spiel
Fancy chandelier = class glass
Lady Godiva on a bender = stewed nude
Spanking = seat heat
cemetery = bone zone
wrinkles = age gauge
Tabloid = smash trash
Two-syllable matchings:
Pet cat needing a combing = shabby tabby
Result of a rap contest = lipping whipping
Un-hip mother = dummy mummy
Relative who is always phoning = buzzin' cousin
African drum = Congo bongo
Sunburned aspiring actress = scarlet starlet
Shortest distance between two antagonistic cats = feline beeline
Cracked-up skier = aching breaking
Person asking to be kissed = smoocher moocher
Pedestrian crossing a busy street = bumper jumper
Church-run shellfish business = oyster cloister
Protectors of the universe = global nobles
Beautiful but sad female = wryful eyeful
Male turned female = gender bender
Sunday church activity = sermon squirmin'
Eye doctor = winker tinker
Stomach specialist = gizzard wizard
Hash = griddle riddle
Baby sitter = yelper helper
Three-syllable matchings:
Seamstress doing fancy work = stitchery witchery
Raffish man-of-the-cloth = sinister minister
Zoo worker who takes care of red birds with black wings = Tanager manager
Super-powered slingshot = fantastic elastic
Horse that pulled a wrecked farm vehicle out of a bog = ex-tractor extractor
Four-syllable matchings:
Middle-Eastern fruit vendor's establishment = Afghanistan banana-stand
New York whiskey storage vault = Knickerbocker liquor-locker
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Remember "Stink Pink"?
I was telling a friend recently about the young man, eyes on his iPhone, unaware of all else around him, who came within one horn toot on my part of walking smack-dab into the side of my moving car. This led to some memory gathering about other just-as-silly fads we remembered.
There was the "Knock-Knock" fad: "Knock knock", "Who's there?" "Greta." "Greta who?" (punchline) "Greta life, you lazy bum!"
And there was the "Handies" fad, where, for instance, you stuck a finger in your mouth, revolved your other hand around your ear clockwise, and everyone was supposed to guess you were pantomiming a pencil sharpener.
And there was my favorite, called "Stink Pink".
These were great ice breakers at parties. You know, where everyone is sitting around making friendly noises at each other while they sniff breaths to see who has the booze at the party! With these, strangers at a party didn't need a common bond to converse on. The games established one. Conversation wasn't needed. While sipping, or chewing, everyone hatched clever Stink Pinks to share. Even if someone came up empty, he or she would usually have imbibed enough drink so the ice would be broken anyhow. So it seemed a sure-fire method for mixing up the participants.
Let me explain how the game worked. The first step was to think up a set of two rhyming words - an adjective and a noun or pronoun - like "Zestful chestfull". This you kept to yourself, since it was to be the ultimate answer the others were to guess from the clues you furnish them.
To the gathering you give hints in two parts: (1) a (preferably funny) dictionary-type deftnition of your rhyming words (which must, incidentally, be the same length) and (2) the number of syllables in your chosen words. Stink Pink = one syllable, stinky pinky = two, stinkity pinkity = three, and for every added syllable add in another "it". Example: "Actress with a more-so torso, stinky pinky". The answer:"zestfull chestfull".
If anyone comes up with a word set of more than four syllables they should be classed as genius, above the hoi-polio, and should be down in the village drinking Scotch with the intellectuals, not playing silly word games at our party, where no one would guess the damn thing anyhow. Two examples did surface at our games - ineffectual intellectual and comprehensible reprehensible - and, as expected, they stumped our partiers completely. The perpetrator, it turned out, had browsed the dictionary for a week to come up with them.
In the eventuality this game intrigues anyone enough to try, here is a set of sample Stink Pinks we brain-stormed for you.
What is a burlesk stripper on the bumps-and-brinds circuit called, stink-pink?
What is a municipal jester, stink-pink?
What would a happy father be, stink-pink and stinky-pinky??
What is a desert song, stink-pionk?
What is a censosr's most used article of equipment, stinky-pinky?
What is a baby with a lack of social responsibility, stinky-pinky?
What is a gal with the moaning after the night before, stinky-pinky?
What is a honey-dipped lieutenant junior-grade, stinky-pinky?
What is the luscious fruit growing around a sandy clime, stink-pink?
What is swimming in a sewer, stinky-pinky?
What is a beautifu, but dumb, gal with "identical" charms, stinky-pinky?
What is lettuce cut up without dressing, stinky-pinky?
What is a skinny spook, stink-pink?
What's an African cat caretaker known as, stinky-pinky?
What are French post cards, stinkitity-pinkitity?
ANSWERS:
Lewd Nude
Town Clown
Glad Dad, Happy Pappy
Dune Tune
Quizzer's Scissors
Piddling Kidling
Blearie Dearie
Gooey Looey
Beach Peach
Muciing Ducking
Simple Dimples
Daring Paring
Gaunt Haunt
Leopard Shepherd
Pornography Photography
This game even made it into a popular Sunday section newspaper column of this earlier era, titled Charlie Rice's Punchbowl. He called it "Hink-Pink". He did a column and invited readership send-ins and was inundated with 3,000 responses.
This game was actually so widespread that a comic strip titled "On Stage", by Leonard Starr, featured it one Sunday. He called it the Rhymie-Stymie game, though, and came up with such stunning rhyming sets as unilateral collateral (one-sided security), enigmatical sabbatical (puzzling vacation), endemic polymic (localized controversy), lexiphanic mechanic (phrase-mongering machinist), abecedarian parliamentaraian (novice statesman)
There was the "Knock-Knock" fad: "Knock knock", "Who's there?" "Greta." "Greta who?" (punchline) "Greta life, you lazy bum!"
And there was the "Handies" fad, where, for instance, you stuck a finger in your mouth, revolved your other hand around your ear clockwise, and everyone was supposed to guess you were pantomiming a pencil sharpener.
And there was my favorite, called "Stink Pink".
These were great ice breakers at parties. You know, where everyone is sitting around making friendly noises at each other while they sniff breaths to see who has the booze at the party! With these, strangers at a party didn't need a common bond to converse on. The games established one. Conversation wasn't needed. While sipping, or chewing, everyone hatched clever Stink Pinks to share. Even if someone came up empty, he or she would usually have imbibed enough drink so the ice would be broken anyhow. So it seemed a sure-fire method for mixing up the participants.
Let me explain how the game worked. The first step was to think up a set of two rhyming words - an adjective and a noun or pronoun - like "Zestful chestfull". This you kept to yourself, since it was to be the ultimate answer the others were to guess from the clues you furnish them.
To the gathering you give hints in two parts: (1) a (preferably funny) dictionary-type deftnition of your rhyming words (which must, incidentally, be the same length) and (2) the number of syllables in your chosen words. Stink Pink = one syllable, stinky pinky = two, stinkity pinkity = three, and for every added syllable add in another "it". Example: "Actress with a more-so torso, stinky pinky". The answer:"zestfull chestfull".
If anyone comes up with a word set of more than four syllables they should be classed as genius, above the hoi-polio, and should be down in the village drinking Scotch with the intellectuals, not playing silly word games at our party, where no one would guess the damn thing anyhow. Two examples did surface at our games - ineffectual intellectual and comprehensible reprehensible - and, as expected, they stumped our partiers completely. The perpetrator, it turned out, had browsed the dictionary for a week to come up with them.
In the eventuality this game intrigues anyone enough to try, here is a set of sample Stink Pinks we brain-stormed for you.
What is a burlesk stripper on the bumps-and-brinds circuit called, stink-pink?
What is a municipal jester, stink-pink?
What would a happy father be, stink-pink and stinky-pinky??
What is a desert song, stink-pionk?
What is a censosr's most used article of equipment, stinky-pinky?
What is a baby with a lack of social responsibility, stinky-pinky?
What is a gal with the moaning after the night before, stinky-pinky?
What is a honey-dipped lieutenant junior-grade, stinky-pinky?
What is the luscious fruit growing around a sandy clime, stink-pink?
What is swimming in a sewer, stinky-pinky?
What is a beautifu, but dumb, gal with "identical" charms, stinky-pinky?
What is lettuce cut up without dressing, stinky-pinky?
What is a skinny spook, stink-pink?
What's an African cat caretaker known as, stinky-pinky?
What are French post cards, stinkitity-pinkitity?
ANSWERS:
Lewd Nude
Town Clown
Glad Dad, Happy Pappy
Dune Tune
Quizzer's Scissors
Piddling Kidling
Blearie Dearie
Gooey Looey
Beach Peach
Muciing Ducking
Simple Dimples
Daring Paring
Gaunt Haunt
Leopard Shepherd
Pornography Photography
This game even made it into a popular Sunday section newspaper column of this earlier era, titled Charlie Rice's Punchbowl. He called it "Hink-Pink". He did a column and invited readership send-ins and was inundated with 3,000 responses.
This game was actually so widespread that a comic strip titled "On Stage", by Leonard Starr, featured it one Sunday. He called it the Rhymie-Stymie game, though, and came up with such stunning rhyming sets as unilateral collateral (one-sided security), enigmatical sabbatical (puzzling vacation), endemic polymic (localized controversy), lexiphanic mechanic (phrase-mongering machinist), abecedarian parliamentaraian (novice statesman)
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