R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "Thinking Like A Dog"

     Don't you ever wonder what your dog is thinking? I did, so I paid attention to his expressions and actions the past several days. Some of his thoughts seemed pretty obvious. For examples:

My human has already slept 15 minutes past our usual wake-up time! What if he's dead?
Why does my human leave the house every day when he could curl up on the daveno and sleep with me?
But he seems to be sort of a masochist anyhow. Can you believe he voluntarily takes a bath every day.
Why do humans wear different costumes every day? Do they somehow make humans more acceptable for mating?
And why does he insist on dressing me up on Halloween? Can't he see all the hair I have to cover me?
Why does my human talk in a natural voice to other people, but in a high-pitched child's voice to me? In dog years I'm older than he is.
Of course, I want to go outside. How does he always know?
Wonder if I never find out "Who's a good boy?" he's always telling me about?
When he leaves the house, wonder if he never comes back to feed me?
I finished my dinner. He's so slow I usually offer to help him finish his, but he never shares.
Why do humans harvest our poop?
I don't want the ball. Then my human throws it. Now I want the ball!
If I wasn't around, my human would lose every ball he has. I don't understand why he throws them away if he still wants them.
When my human runs around the neighborhood, he says it's exercise. When I do it, though, he yells at me.
What is my human thinking when he hooks me up to a leash? Is he afraid he will get lost?
Why doesn't my human listen to me when I bark warnings about that dangerous man who slinks around the neighborhood leaving messages in peoples' mailboxes?

R. Loeffelbein's DOG BLOG: "The 'First Dog' Named Fido"

     Abraham Lincoln, U.S. President 1861-1865, loved animals.

     Fido, a yellow mutt of a dog, entered the Lincoln household in Springfield, VA, in 1855 and quickly became a family fixture. He learned mock circus tricks from Lincoln's sons, trailed along with Abe on market errands, and, to Mary Todd's horror, greeted guests with middy paw-to- hand shakes. 

     Fido was too big and rambunctious to join the Lincolns in the White House in 1861, but Abe 

brought a veritable petting zoo of animals into the White House: rabbits, goats, ponies and a trio of kittens rescued from a Union Army prison camp.

     Fido did join his new owners at the Springfield train station to hear Abe's farewell speech. And, when Abe's casket returned in May 1965, Fido was there, too, to greet his former master. Media coverage for the funeral turned Fido, at that time, into the most famous dog in America. 

(Source: Reader's Digest Nov. 2015)

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More DOGerel

This ad showed up on the bulletin board at the Queen of Angels Hospital:

"Sophisticated, city-bred German Shepherd wishes to rent one or two-bedroom house, furnished, with yard. Has two quiet, well-behaved adults."

Another Ad: "Lassie, Come home. All is forgiven. It was a wet umbrella."

And, from the Saginaw, MI, News: "For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy."

And from the Indianapolis News: "Grown Boxer. AKC-registered. Will eat anything. Especially fond of children."

Jack worked his way through medical school at nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could serve his constituents well  by combining the practices of medicine with taxidermy. He opened his practice with a shingle on the door reading: "Dr. Jack Jones. Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy. 'Either way you get your dog back.'"

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: 'Jokes I've Heard Good Enough to Repeat"

    . I love jokes with real surprise endings, like these:

1) Our boss was complaining in our staff meeting recently that he wasn't getting any respect. So later he brought in a small sign reading "I'm the Boss!" and had it placed prominently on his office door.
Still later, when he returned from lunch, he found someone had taped a notice to the sign. It read: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back."

2) A New York family bought a ranch in Idaho, where they intended to raise cattle. Visiting friends asked if the ranch had a name.
   "Well, I wanted to name it Bar-O. My wife wanted to name it the Suzy-Q. One son wanted to call it the Flying-W, while the other son preferred the Lazy-Y. So we pleased everyone and named it the Bar-O-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy Y,"replied the would-be cattleman.
     "But where are all your cattle?" asked the friend.
     "None survived the branding!" was the sad reply.

3) A guy entered a bar, saw a friend drinking alone at a table.
"You look terrible," he tells the friend. "What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June and left me $10,000," the friend replies.
"I'm sorry to hear about your mother, that's tough, but the money is nice."
"Then in July," the friend continues, "my father died, leaving me $20,000."
"Wow, both parents gone so close together! No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died and left me $15,000," adds the friend.
"Three close family members lost in three months! That's really sad."
"Then, this month," continues the friend, "nothing!."

4) Two hunters hire a plane to fly them to Siberia to hunt bears. Upon landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with one pilot, two passengers and one bear."
But the hunters have great luck and return with two bears.
"I told you, "says the pilot, "ONE bear."
The hunters argue that the previous year, upon payment of an additional 100 rubles,he had allowed them to load two bears. After a long continuing argument and negotiation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and loads the two bears.
After struggling the plane into the air and skimming tree tops for about three miles, the plane gives up and plummets into a huge snow bank. Tunneling up out of the snow and the load of bears, one of the hunters asks the pilot where he thinks they are.
"He glances around and says, "About the same place we crashed last year."

R. Loeffelbein's LISTS BLOG: "List of Things Invisible"

     How can one plagiarize "nothing"?
     This thought intrigued me as I browsed an item in Reader's Digest circa 7/8/17, because that is exactly what I intended doing and will have now done, following my admission. I hope originator "Flora" will forgive me, but this really tickled my sense of ill-logic.

LIST: Top Five Things That Are Invisible

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See what I mean?










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See what I mean?