R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "Annother Naughty Joke?"

     The husband was leaving the house as his wife waved goodbye. The butler, Jeeves, is holding the door. Wife turns to the butler. "Jeeves, come into my room." He follows her there. "Shut the door," she commands. He does.
     "Come closer so you can hear me clearly." He does.
    "I want you to take off my dress." He does.
    "And take off my slip."
     "Now my shoes."
     "And my stockings."
     "And my bra and panties....
     And don't ever let me catch you wearing them again!"

GOT YA!

R.L.Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: "About Your New Year's Resolutions"

     Starting new year 2017 at age 92 I am fairly content with my life. I'll admit there is a long list of New Year's resolutions broken along the way, but I've found most things work out OK if you just keep plugging along doing the best you can. Most resolutions I've made - and most people make - have not been life-changing anyhow.
     But recently I came across an old Dear Abby column that presented a letter from L.J. Bhatia of New Delhi, India, that is so nice that I think I will post it on the bulletin board above my desk as at least a guide upon my actions hereon. He quotes his Holy Vedas: "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."
     He goes on to state, "The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, love.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in the pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying that we are born in eternal life."

R. Loeffelbein's WHATCHAMA COLUMN: Naughty Joke

     I think Catholic priests get teased in jokes more than any other religious denominational leader. I'm not a Catholic, but I think the two priests I know would smile - probably indulgently - at this one I found, uncredited, on the Internet. But if not, I doubt the world will stop spinning and I pray they will forgive and forget.

     A new priest, at his first mass, was so nervous he could hardly speak. But he got through it and, upon completion, asked the monsignor how he had done.
     The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about becoming nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
     Taking the monsignor's advice the next Sunday, he again started getting nervous as he faced the congregation. So he took a drink, paused as it charged his system and then proceeded to talk up a storm.
     Upon  returning to his office after the mass he found the following not pinned to the door:

"1, Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are  10 commandments, not 12,
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5, Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not 'bet his ass'.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as 'the late J.C.'
  7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'.
  8. David 'slew' Goliath. He did not 'kick the shit out of him'.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we don't say he 'was stoned off his ass'.
 10. We do not refer to the cross as 'the Big T'.
 11. When Jesus broke bread at the last supper. he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body'. He did not say, 'Eat me'.
 12. The Virgin Mary is not called ;Mary with the cherry'.
 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!'
 14. Note that next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's'."