Law & Ardor
My grandad on my dad's side kept a long-running dispute with a neighboring farmer. He finally decided to get a lawyer to determine the legal aspects of the controversy. After he presented a heavily one-sided version of the dispute to the lawyer, that worthy assured him that the case would be cut-and-dried."When do you want to start legal proceedings?" asked the lawyer.
"Never," answered grandad disgustedly. "I just gave you HIS side of the story!"
Prayer Conditioned
Grandad bought a beautiful Palomino pony that had belonged to an itinerant preacher man, one of those who traveled between parishes. The seller told him that the preacher had trained his horse a bit differently, calling "Good Lord" for giddyup and "Amen" for whoa. Grandad smiled at the humor in this, saying that that would make interesting conversation starters."Let me give him a little trial run," he said, mounting up. "Good Lord," he said and the horse responded so quickly he nearly lost his seat. "Good Lord!" he exclaimed in surprise, and the horse went into a gallop. But up ahead grandad saw a ravine across their path, and the horse seemed to be expecting to jump it. But grandad wasn't a jumper and he started yelling, "Whoa, whoa!"
Just in time he remembered the magic word. "Amen!" he yelled, and the horse skidded to a stop, right on the edge of the deep cleft. "Good Lord!" he exclaimed in relief.
My Time Is Your Time
At 6 a.m. every morning, on the way to work, the owner of a large lumber mill in town stopped at the jewelry store in town, pressed his face and hands to the storefront window to see the large clock inside, so he could set his watch to have the correct time to blow the mill whistle for shift changes. He didn't realize this left unsightly smudges on the window.
The jeweler, who fastidiously cleaned his window every day, wondered for months who was smudging it. He finally decided to stay in the store overnight and catch the culprit.
Next morning he saw the mill owner's face pressed up against his window, and he ran out to confront him. "For months I've been cleaning your face smudges off my window. Why the heck are you doing that?"
"Well," the mill owner replied, "I've been setting my watch by your clock so I can blow the mill whistle at the correct times."
"My God, man," exclaimed the jeweler, "I've been setting that clock by your mill whistle!"
Cause for Alarm
The bank examiner paid a surprise visit to investigate a report that officers of the small-town bank spent most of the day playing cards. Peeking in a window, he caught the executives in the act, so he set off the burglar alarm, intending to give them a scare.
But not one of them so much as blinked an eye. Instead, a few minutes later a bartender from the saloon across the street came running over with four pitchers of beer.
Turnabout
Young Dan Andersen and old Rolf Petterson owned small grocery stores in the same block. They had had a price war over eggs going on for some time, which depended on the supply available from local ranchers. First Dan would cut his price, then Rolf would follow, and on and on. These cut rates affected Dan's profit line enough that he finally went to the older man in despair, saying, "I surrender. We've been selling eggs at a loss for too long...."
But, before he could finish his lament, old Rolf grinned and replied, "Not me!You see, I've been buying my eggs from you."
Flight Plan
The passenger plane had just been cleared for landing and the Captain went on the intercom requesting passengers remain in their seats with seat belts fastened until the plane stoppped and the seat belt sign went on. But, as soon as the plane touched down, passengers swarmed the middle aisle reaching for overhead luggage racks. Again came the captain's request. And, again, it was ignored.
The captain then commanded, "Please clear the aisle so I can see to back up."
There was immediate compliance!
--Reprinted from Reader's Digest, courtesy Esther T. Smith
Shaggy Dog Tale
A big flea jumped over the swinging doors of a saloon, sampled three patrons' whiskeys, then jumped back out again. He landed smack on his face in the middle of the street. "Damn!" he said, slowly picking himself up. "Someone moved my dog!"
--Paul B. Lowney, "Offbeat Humor", Peter Pauper Press
Alibi
A Hollywood producer was driving home after a celebratory evening on the town. Within a few miles of home two California Highway Patrolmen stopped him. He was trying to walk a straight line when another car crashed into a turnoff railing behind them. The patrolmen told the producer to wait there and they ran toward the wreck.
The producer, however, saw his chance to escape and drove on home, shut the car in the garage, ran unsteadily into the house and told his wife, if any police came, to tell them he was in bed and had been home all night.
When police did arrive, she dutifully told their little lie.
When police did arrive, she dutifully told their little lie.
"We'd like to see his car, if you don't mind," said a trooper.
"It's in the garage," she replied.
"Open it, please," the trooper insisted. So she did. And there, inside the garage, was their police car!
The Cardinal Rule
A man decided to become a monk, joining an order where silence was the cardinal rule. He would be allowed to say two words once every decade.
After the first ten years the head monk called him in. "Do you have anything you want to say on your ten-year anniversary?" he asked.
"Food's cold," reported the novice tersely, and he turned and walked out.
Another ten-year anniversary arrived and the monk this time told the head monk, "Bed's hard" and he walked out frowning.
Still another decade had passed and the monk reported in to the head monk. "I quit," he said this time.
The head monk, looked at him with annoyance. "I'm not surprised. You've been complaining ever since you got here."
--Paul E. Snow in Reader's Digest
From the Mouth of a Babe
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in a sweet lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have wittle wabbits?"
The friendly shopkeeper asks in child-speak, "Would you like a wittle white wabbit or a fuwwy bwack one?"
The little girl regards him for a moment then replies, "I weally don't fink my python giveth a thit."
--Courtesy Annet Mahendru
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