How Hot Is It?

     Summer is finally upon us. Now we can bitch about the heat, which we've been wanting some of all winter!
     Start our rant with "It's so hot and dry in Clearwater county that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are giving out wet wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water." (according to Jean  Cooke of Orofino, ID)
     As for the rest I have to tell you...........IT'S SO HOT THAT...

...furniture stores are doing a brisk business selling frozen water beds.
...you put on fresh sun screen just to go check the mailbox and, using any sunscreen formula less than 50 spf, is a joke.
...you find pet cats sleeping on the bottom shelf in the refrigerator.
...trees are whistling for dogs.
...your husband no longer snores. He sizzles.
...farmers are feeding their hens ice cubes to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
...Idaho potatoes are cooking underground. All you have to do is dig them up and add butter, salt and pepper.
...the irrigation shortage is solved: sweaty men on rotating chairs.
...you notice your car overheating before you even drive it.
...drivers wearing shorts are learning how to drive without their backsides actually touching the seats.
...car seat belts have become branding irons and you discover it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
...the prime parking space is determined by shade, not distance.
...when the temperature drops below 95 you feel a bit chilly.
...the new exercise at the senior center is "Naked Jazzercise".
...hot water is coming out of both taps.
...you discover a "swamp cooler' is not a Happy Hour drink.
...you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
...air conditioning repairmen are treated like rock stars.
...the real estate market heats up as the devil starts buying up homes.

(This has been culled from here and there on the Internet and, as usual, credits have not been given to the literary comedians responsible for them. But know at least, whoever you are, that your humor bits are being appreciated.)
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