Geezer friends of mine on occasion have extolled pretty good bits of park bench humor and wisdom. Recently one of them, looking around our morning kaffee klatch, came up with "Time is a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician!" Another one shot right back, reiterating, "Yah, time has sneaked up on us all like a windshield on a bug!"
After sharing the resultant group chuckle, i got to wondering what other thought gems I might discover if I paid more attention to what people say and what they pass on in their writings. And it turned out to be golden research. Check out my treasure hunt findings.
So much of what you are not is because you are standing in your own way of becoming.
People who don't plan for the future have to live through it anyway.
The difference between a beautiful person and a charming person is that you notice the beautiful person, but the charming person notices you. --Conrad Fiorello
People wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
A hypochondriac usually suffers in every way except in silence.
Those who often jump to conclusions land in ignorance.
What we need is a good diet shampoo for use by fat heads!
If you do a good deed, be sure to get a receipt, just in case heaven is like the IRS.
Happiness is good health and bad memory.
The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us. - -Ashley Montagu
Happiness never decreases by being shared.
Many candles may be lighted from a single one and the life of that one will not be diminished.
People who say "it can't be done" are usually interrupted by those doing it.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
How Hot Is It?
Summer is finally upon us. Now we can bitch about the heat, which we've been wanting some of all winter!
Start our rant with "It's so hot and dry in Clearwater county that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are giving out wet wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water." (according to Jean Cooke of Orofino, ID)
As for the rest I have to tell you...........IT'S SO HOT THAT...
...furniture stores are doing a brisk business selling frozen water beds.
...you put on fresh sun screen just to go check the mailbox and, using any sunscreen formula less than 50 spf, is a joke.
...you find pet cats sleeping on the bottom shelf in the refrigerator.
...trees are whistling for dogs.
...your husband no longer snores. He sizzles.
...farmers are feeding their hens ice cubes to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
...Idaho potatoes are cooking underground. All you have to do is dig them up and add butter, salt and pepper.
...the irrigation shortage is solved: sweaty men on rotating chairs.
...you notice your car overheating before you even drive it.
...drivers wearing shorts are learning how to drive without their backsides actually touching the seats.
...car seat belts have become branding irons and you discover it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
...the prime parking space is determined by shade, not distance.
...when the temperature drops below 95 you feel a bit chilly.
...the new exercise at the senior center is "Naked Jazzercise".
...hot water is coming out of both taps.
...you discover a "swamp cooler' is not a Happy Hour drink.
...you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
...air conditioning repairmen are treated like rock stars.
...the real estate market heats up as the devil starts buying up homes.
(This has been culled from here and there on the Internet and, as usual, credits have not been given to the literary comedians responsible for them. But know at least, whoever you are, that your humor bits are being appreciated.)
...
Start our rant with "It's so hot and dry in Clearwater county that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are giving out wet wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water." (according to Jean Cooke of Orofino, ID)
As for the rest I have to tell you...........IT'S SO HOT THAT...
...furniture stores are doing a brisk business selling frozen water beds.
...you put on fresh sun screen just to go check the mailbox and, using any sunscreen formula less than 50 spf, is a joke.
...you find pet cats sleeping on the bottom shelf in the refrigerator.
...trees are whistling for dogs.
...your husband no longer snores. He sizzles.
...farmers are feeding their hens ice cubes to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
...Idaho potatoes are cooking underground. All you have to do is dig them up and add butter, salt and pepper.
...the irrigation shortage is solved: sweaty men on rotating chairs.
...you notice your car overheating before you even drive it.
...drivers wearing shorts are learning how to drive without their backsides actually touching the seats.
...car seat belts have become branding irons and you discover it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
...the prime parking space is determined by shade, not distance.
...when the temperature drops below 95 you feel a bit chilly.
...the new exercise at the senior center is "Naked Jazzercise".
...hot water is coming out of both taps.
...you discover a "swamp cooler' is not a Happy Hour drink.
...you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
...air conditioning repairmen are treated like rock stars.
...the real estate market heats up as the devil starts buying up homes.
(This has been culled from here and there on the Internet and, as usual, credits have not been given to the literary comedians responsible for them. But know at least, whoever you are, that your humor bits are being appreciated.)
...
What Does Today Mean?
Have you ever wondered where the names for our days have come from? Wonder no more.
Sunday, it turns out, is literally extrapolated from "Day of the Sun". Monday is from "Day of the Moon", which leaves more questions than it answers. Most of the remaining days are named after Germanic or Norse "gods".
Tuesday is named for Tiu or Tyr, the god of war. Wednesday is named for Odin, or Woden, who was the "chief god", so to speak.
Thursday, easily understood, is named for Thor - not the movie hero, but the thunder god. Friday is a boon to the fair sex. It's named for Odin's wife, Frigg. There's no proof that her name has led to the anti-curse "friggin". And Saturday is named after Saturn, the Roman agriculture god. Old Roman festivals, with their wild partying, brings us the term "saturnalia". Appropriate?
Sunday, it turns out, is literally extrapolated from "Day of the Sun". Monday is from "Day of the Moon", which leaves more questions than it answers. Most of the remaining days are named after Germanic or Norse "gods".
Tuesday is named for Tiu or Tyr, the god of war. Wednesday is named for Odin, or Woden, who was the "chief god", so to speak.
Thursday, easily understood, is named for Thor - not the movie hero, but the thunder god. Friday is a boon to the fair sex. It's named for Odin's wife, Frigg. There's no proof that her name has led to the anti-curse "friggin". And Saturday is named after Saturn, the Roman agriculture god. Old Roman festivals, with their wild partying, brings us the term "saturnalia". Appropriate?
Monday, June 2, 2014
SIGNS OF HUMOR
I love clever signs, those that present the business they advertise succinctly and with a bit of language ingenuity, preferably tied up with a humor caste. A good example was the slogan penned by a real estate agent named Bacon in Raleigh, NC: "Let Bacon Bring You Home". That does the job nicely, don't you think?
And it is surprising how many more there are once you start looking for them.
Sign on a panel truck belonging to a body-and-fender shop in Los Angeles: "We take the dent out of accident."
On the window of the Cambridge Shop for men's clothes in San Diego: "Pants 1/2 off."
An Ojai, California, spirits and fine wine shop was named "Fred's Attitude Adjustment Shoppe".
A mod dress shop in Corona del Mar, California, was named "Happiness Is A New Rag".
A large sign out front of the El Rancho Motel in Lewiston, ID, stated: "Try our beds for sighs".
Sign in a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras - $70,000. Three for $200,000".
Slogan for Gar's Bread (Washington): "We really move our buns for you!"
Evergreen Refrigeration ad (Washington): "Ask Me About Being Cool".
Harbor Airlines (Washington) ad: "Driving is beneath us!".
Note in window of water bed sales outlet in Lexington Park,. MD: "Your vinyl resting place".
Sign fronting an Atlanta, GA, restaurant: "If the Colonel had OUR chicken recipe he'd be a General".
Sign at the entrance to a Sperry, OK, cemetery: "One Way! In Only!"
Lastly, but far from least, Los Angeles signs on a health food shop, stating "Diet Aids", next to a fast-food luncheonette adding "Cheat here!"
And it is surprising how many more there are once you start looking for them.
Sign on a panel truck belonging to a body-and-fender shop in Los Angeles: "We take the dent out of accident."
On the window of the Cambridge Shop for men's clothes in San Diego: "Pants 1/2 off."
An Ojai, California, spirits and fine wine shop was named "Fred's Attitude Adjustment Shoppe".
A mod dress shop in Corona del Mar, California, was named "Happiness Is A New Rag".
A large sign out front of the El Rancho Motel in Lewiston, ID, stated: "Try our beds for sighs".
Sign in a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras - $70,000. Three for $200,000".
Slogan for Gar's Bread (Washington): "We really move our buns for you!"
Evergreen Refrigeration ad (Washington): "Ask Me About Being Cool".
Harbor Airlines (Washington) ad: "Driving is beneath us!".
Note in window of water bed sales outlet in Lexington Park,. MD: "Your vinyl resting place".
Sign fronting an Atlanta, GA, restaurant: "If the Colonel had OUR chicken recipe he'd be a General".
Sign at the entrance to a Sperry, OK, cemetery: "One Way! In Only!"
Lastly, but far from least, Los Angeles signs on a health food shop, stating "Diet Aids", next to a fast-food luncheonette adding "Cheat here!"
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