LECTURERS VERSUS LISTENERS

     What is going on in the mind of listeners to lecturers, and vice versa? 

LECTURERS (from the viewpoint of  listeners):

The Sleep Walker: Is it possible his psychoanalyst forgot to bring this somnambulist out of his hypnotic trance at their last session? His monotones bore into listeners the same doped expression seen on sun-drugged toads.

Reactions:

     *What a great bedtime story teller this guy would make!

     *I wonder where he gets his barbiturates.

     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

The Athlete: He strides about the room throwing his body into great contortions of masculine posing, waving his arms, pounding the desk to drive his points home. Tomorrow no one will remember a thing he has said because they were too engrossed in watching his calisthenics.

Reactions:

     *Oh, yeah, that's the one, the "pose that refreshes"! 

     *If you need the men's room, man, it's down the hall on the left.

     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

The Comedian: He stops every few moments to look at his notes, snickers slyly to himself, then continues with a chicken grin on his face. This leaves listeners sitting on the edge of their seats, but the funny part never comes.

Reactions:

     *Okay, you laid it, now cackle!

     *You didn't used to write for TV sit-coms, did you?

     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

The Star Gazer: He examines his fingernails, looks down at his shoes while wiping them on the backs of his pantlegs, speculates on the ceiling, stares out the window. He looks everywhere but at the listeners.

Reactions:

     *Well, you're not so easy on the eyes yourself!

     *I'd be embarrassed too if I didn't have more to say than that!

     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

The Town Crier: He makes himself heard through listeners' ennui by shouting. But it seems to be all bark and no "bite"! 

Reactions:

     *Sir, you raise your voice when you should reinforce your arguments!\    

     *Oh, tie up, Jack, my hangover is killing me.

     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

Delirium Tremens: This lad can't keep his hands still. He winds his watch, twirls his Fybate key, straightens papers on his lecturn, holds his watch to his ear and stares at it as if it has let him down, and so on and on ad infinitum.

Reactions:

     *I agree, pal, It's one helluva long lecture.

     *Wonder who he has the heavy date with. She sure must have trouble with those hands.

     *Guess I'll skip this one next time.

LISTENERS (from the viewpoint of lecturers):

Sleight-of-Mind: That one is drowning in a sea of education . Eyes are glazed, mouth is open trapping flies, breathing is hard as though in pain. No one is sure, in fact, that he hasn't been dead for some time.

Reactions:

     *Must be Monday all over again.

     *There must be an easier way to make a living!

     *Maybe I'd do better working with the mentally retarded. (Maybe I AM working with the mentally retarded!)

The Jitterbug: That kid must have ants in his pants. He twitches, he squirms. Step right up, ladies and gents, see the boy with the reflexes of a worm.

Reactions:

     *I hope you don't wear anything out squirming around in your seat like that.

     *Maybe it's some kind of new mating dance.

     *Oh, the money I could make on the carny circuit with this bunch of freaks!

The Lady Politician: Is she coming up here to polish the apple again? I note she's in a front row seat again too, with her skirt riding about C-level. Get over yourself, girl!

Reactions:

     *Forget it, sweet lips. I'm young enough to remember, but old enough to know better.

     *Okay, smile. So you got your own teeth. Just wait ten years!

     *Why oh why, didn't I go into the ministry like mother wanted?

The Eager Beaver: She writes everything down, even the jokes. Maybe she'll get them later. She must be practicing her shorthand. At least she'll get something out of the course that way.

Reactions:

     *Notes to you, too, chicken little.

     *Watch me bring her out of her trance by working the word "sex" into the next sentence.

     *Why do you come to class? Why not just send your tape recorder?

The Good-time Charlie: Our resident lady killer is sporting Brut lotion today. Must have bathed in it because I smell it clear up here. Looks like he pitched a bitch last night again, too. His hands are shaking so much his notes will look like hieroglyphics. And he hasn't moved his head since he sat down. Must hurt a lot.

Reactions:

     *That must be what is meant by "school ghoul" complexion.

     *I'll bet he never gets a haircut, just an oil change.

     *Why, in all that is holy, didn't we both stay home today and sleep off this lecture?

 The Hero Worshiper: I'm going to teach when I grow up too!

Reactions: 

     *In His infinite wisdom the lord would not allow it, I'm sure.

     *I'm sure you have just said that for effect but, just the thought of it makes me wonder where I went wrong.

     *By the time you're ready to teach it will be outmoded. Students will probably step into a telephone booth, be bombarded by audio-visual programs and step back out with a sheepskin.

    

PUN FUN

     It's been said puns are lowest type of humor on the laugh meter. But I'll still bet you get some chuckles out of the bunch collected here.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

You Know It's Going to Be a Bad Day When.....

YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN.....

...the bird outside your bedroom window, that woke you up, is a vulture.

...your bed companion rolls over and asks. "Who are you?"

...you put your bra accidentally on backwards...and it still fits.
...You turn to put on the rest of your clothes and there aren't any.

...you absent-mindedly try to fit both contact lenses into the same eye.

...your pet rock sneers at you in the mirror as you are putting on your makeup.

...you make a donation for the Red Cross while shaving.

...your car horn gets stuck on the way to work, while driving behind a group of Hell's Angels bikers.

..you find the TV crew from "60 Minutes" waiting outside your office.

...you get to work only to have a co-worker tell you the hem of your dress is tucked into the back of your pantyhose.
...your boss tells you not to bother to take off your hat.

...your e-mail includes a notice your Internal Revenue payment check has bounced.

...you call your answering service and they don't answer.

...you call your twin sister and find she has forgotten your birthday.

...the frosting on the birthday cake your co-workers have arranged for melts from the heat of all those candles.

...you call the number a friend has given you for a blind date and it turns out to be your ex.
...you call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.

...you turn on the TV news to find they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

And so you decide you have nothing more to lose by leaving, no matter what the emergency is!

METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING

     Metaphors are part of the writer's arsenal. But anyone can have fun thinking them up. The most common one that usually comes to mind is "Faster than a speeding bullet", taken from the Superman introduction.
    Try your image-making skills by adding to the following ones for "Faster than..."

FASTER THAN...
...a chain smoker's light-up in the morning.
...a bald man's comb-out.
...a politician's handshake.
...a six-year old can get dirty.
...a mother's sympathy.
...a waitress can pick up a $5 tip.
...a minute lube job on you car.
...the horn on the car behind you when the light turns green.
...a teenager's change of crushes.
...a gigolo's wink.
...a new puppy can cuddle.
...the neighborhood gossip.
...a Don Rickles put-down.
...an anteater's tongue.
...a pricked balloon's pop.
...a doctor's bill arriving.
...a lawyer's plea bargain.
...a sports announcer using a cliche.
...a rookie referee's whistle.
...a National Football League punter falls down when touched by a line rusher.