The ingenuity of American prisoners of war in communicating with each other during the Korean War was amazing. One way was to tap a code - known as the "F L Q V" code - on pipes or walls. Every POW was taught this five letters wide, five rows deep (25-letter square) code that looked like this:
A B C D E
F G H I J
L M N O P
Q R S T U
V W X Y Z Wherever necessary the letter C was substituted for the letter K, which was
dropped.
To start, 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 taps indicated the row the first letter of the message would be in. The next series of taps would mark the letter in the row indicated. Thus a five-tap followed by a two-tap would mean the letter W.
Eventually sophisticated offshoots were developed, like a visual code encompassing touching various parts of the body to indicate letters. For instance, a prisoner under heavy pressure to make an anti-war statement for publication could let other POWs watching him being led across a courtyard know he was c-o-p-i-n-g by scratching his head - for Row 1, then his shoulder - for Column 3, indicating the letter C, then scratching elbow, wrist, hip, knee, ankle, toe, etc, to form the following letters.
In the vermin-infested prisons, the guards saw nothing unusual in all this scratching, because they had the same scratching problem.
The guards also coughed, cleared their throats and spat a great deal, and had no idea that, when the prisoners did the same things, they were talking to each other. Sometimes - especially when a prisoner was being taken to or from an interrogation and the others wanted to buck him up - the amount of coughing and spitting that went on was even too much for the rheumiest guards. They couldn't get out of the cellblock fast enough.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
College Humor...2nd time around!
In browsing some old - circa 1954-5 - college annuals and humor magazines (I seem to have a problem with throwing anything away!) I've come across one of those drinking songs that were popular at that time. They had verse after verse, with one leading into the next by coyly changing ribald thought with the last word in each verse blanked and changed to innocence by transposing into the first line of the next verse. If that is a bit difficult to understand, the following example will explain adequately. (If you think it a bit silly, understand that you would have needed to be college-age and have a few beers under your belt before it became truly hilarious.)
This one was an ode to some long-forgotten coed named Suzanne, penned by some long forgotten "rough", who possibly attended Stanford University and understood the joy of a few cold ones while sunning out at "the lake". I have no idea what the tune that went with it could have been!
Suzanne was a lady
With plenty of class,
Who knocked 'em all dead
When she wiggled her....
Eyes at the fellows,
As girls sometimes do,
To make it quite plain
That she wanted to....
Take in a movie
Or go for a sail
And then hurry home
For a nice piece of ....
Cake and ice cream or
Slice of roast duck,
For after each meal
She was ready to ....
Go for a ride
Or stroll on the dock
With any young man
With a sizeable ....
Roll of big bills
And a pretty good front,
And, if he talked fast,
She would show him her ....
Little pet dog,
Who was subject to fits,
And maybe she would let him
Take hold of her ....
Lily white hands and,
With a movement so quick,
Why she'd reach right over
And tickle his ....
Chin while she showed him
A trick learned in France
And asked the poor fellow
To take off his ....
Coat while she sang
Of the Mandalay shore.
For, wherever she was
Suzanne was no bore!
This one was an ode to some long-forgotten coed named Suzanne, penned by some long forgotten "rough", who possibly attended Stanford University and understood the joy of a few cold ones while sunning out at "the lake". I have no idea what the tune that went with it could have been!
Suzanne was a lady
With plenty of class,
Who knocked 'em all dead
When she wiggled her....
Eyes at the fellows,
As girls sometimes do,
To make it quite plain
That she wanted to....
Take in a movie
Or go for a sail
And then hurry home
For a nice piece of ....
Cake and ice cream or
Slice of roast duck,
For after each meal
She was ready to ....
Go for a ride
Or stroll on the dock
With any young man
With a sizeable ....
Roll of big bills
And a pretty good front,
And, if he talked fast,
She would show him her ....
Little pet dog,
Who was subject to fits,
And maybe she would let him
Take hold of her ....
Lily white hands and,
With a movement so quick,
Why she'd reach right over
And tickle his ....
Chin while she showed him
A trick learned in France
And asked the poor fellow
To take off his ....
Coat while she sang
Of the Mandalay shore.
For, wherever she was
Suzanne was no bore!
Monday, June 10, 2013
"RED" RIBS
Once upon a time jokes poking fun at the supposedly not-so-bright Polish populace - true or not - were popular fun. In more recent times, with Communism still rampant in Russia, the scene has shifted. It has become easier to poke fun at Russia and the Russians, as shown by these "Red" Ribs.
USSR: Union of Silently Swallowed Republics. (Fred Ottinger)
Question: What is Communism?
Answer: Communism, the cause that depresses. (Paul Steiner)
Answer: A totalitarian state, where everything that is not forbidden is compulsory. (Ray D. Everson)
Answer: The shortest route from the cradle to the grave. (Quote)
Q: What is a Communist?
Answer: A person who has abandoned hope of becoming a capitalist.
Answer: One who borrows your pot to cook your goose in.
Russian school teacher: "Who were the first human beings?"
Pupil: "Adam and Eve."
Teacher: "And what nationality were they?"
Pupil: "Russian, of course."
Teacher: "And how do you know they were Russian?"
Pupil: "They had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear, and only one apple to eat between them - and even that was forbidden - and they still called it Paradise." (A. Mayer in National Examiner, Montreal)
If the Russians were really so proud of their Communist experiment, they would take down the Iron Curtain and put in a picture window. (Alex Dreier, quoted by Larry Welters, Chicago Tribune-New York News Syndicate)
On a Moscow street a resident has two pails, one empty and the second filled with potatoes. He keeps pouring the potatoes from one pail to the other, seemingly very satisfied with his work.
"But nothing has changed," a visitor objects.
"Ah yes," the Russian agrees, but what a noise it creates!" (Hedrick Smith in New York Times Magazine)
We've finally determined what is meant by the hammer and sickle on the Russian flag. The sickle is to mow 'em down and the hammer is to keep 'em that way. (Viking Vacuum)
In an earlier time, three Czech political prisoners, who found themselves in the same Russian cell, started getting acquainted.
"They arrested me for being against Slansky," said the first.
"That's rich. They arrested me for being for Slansky," said the second.
Both turned to their companion, whose eyes were downcast to the floor. "What about you?" one asked.
"I'm Slansky," he replied.
Communist country: Where they name a street after you one day and chase you down the next. (H&B Bulletin)
Comrade Dobrinski, at a Party meeting, got up from his seat and asked, "Comrade Leader, I have three questions. If we are the greatest industrial nation in the world,what has happened to our automobiles? And, if we have the best agriculture in the world, what has happened to our bread? And, if we are the greatest cattle raisers in the world, what has happened to our meat?"
The Party chairman stared at Comrade Dobrinski for a moment, then declared, "It is too late to reply to your questions tonight. I will answer them at our next meeting."
When the next meeting opened the following week, a different Party member rose and asked, "What has happened to Comrade Dobrinski?" (Bill Leverette in "On Edgar Bergen's Lap", Peachtree Publishers)
Sign supposedly seen in Moscow election booth: "Vote Communist - the life you save may be your own!" (Louis Sobol)
You know you can say anything in Russia...once. (Air University Dispatch)
In Russia Mother Goose has been replaced by Poppa Ganda. (The Old Maid)
You have free speech in Russia, just like here. But here you have free speech after you speak too.
Minorities are very vocal in Russia. You just can't hear them from Siberia.
What's the difference between real Democracy and Communist "democracy"?
The same as between a jacket and a straightjacket.
What's the difference between Communism and Christianity?
While Christianity sometimes preaches poverty, Communism makes it a reality. (Konrad Seyferth in "The First One Who Giggles Is OUT")
Religion is set up a little differently in Russian than it is here. For instance, when you go to confession in the U.S., you come back out again. (Orben's Comedy Center)
President Reagan and Russia's Gorbachev were swapping jokes at a meeting in Geneva. Reagan boasted that an American could walk right into the White House, pound on the President's desk and say, "I don't like the way you are running the country." The Russian surprised the American by saying that a Russian could do the same thing - walk right into the Kremlin and tell Gorbachev, "I don't like the way Reagan is running his country." (U.S. News & World Report)
Q: Why are Canada and the United States able to send Russia so much wheat?
A: "Typical failure of capitalism - overproduction."
Q: What was the stupidest act committed in Russia in 1962?
A: Being shot into space, circling the earth 64 times, then landing back in Russia.
A bookseller hung a special sign in her window during Red Book Week, advertising four Russian books. She was arrested. The book titles, in order, read: "We Want to Live", "Far From Moscow", "In the Shadow of the Skyscrapers", "Under the Foreign Flag". (Unknown)
The dissident was condemned by the Russian judge to a Siberian work camp. "The sentence is too light," the dissident protested." "What do you mean?" asks the surprised judge. "Well, if America is so bad, why don't you send me there?" (Ronald Reagan)
Two Muscovites were talking. "What would you do if the Russian government opened the border so anyone could leave?" "I'd climb a tall tree." "What for?" "So I wouldn't get crushed in the crowd." (Boris Berelyand and Steve Bhaerman)
A refugee who had spent 22 months working in a Russian factory fled the country and landed a job with a Western construction company. On his first day at work the boss, being shorthanded, asked him if he would mind working a double shift, a 16- hour stretch, for a week. "Sixteen hours a day!" exclaimed the refugee. "What is this, part-time work?" (Anthony J. Pettito in Reader's Digest)
Few people would dispute the story that the Russians invented inventing. (F.Robert Becker)
Necessity being the mother of invention, it is amazing that the Russians haven't claimed the invention of mothers. (Eldon Pedersen)
"Oh, boy," cried the Russian inventor who had gotten hold of an American mail order catalog. "Look at all the wonderful new things to invent."
Russia invented the steam locomotive, then sent spies over here to find out our secret for what it was for. (Detroit News)
A factory worker noted it is impossible to do anything right in Russia. If a worker arrives five minutes early, he is accused of being a sabateur. If he is five minutes late, he is accused of betraying Socialism. If he arrives on time, everyone asks, "Where did you get the watch?"
It isn't easy being a drinker in Russia. For one thing, who ever heard of a Happy Hour in Russia? (Orben's Current Comedy)
There is a statue of Lenin in Moscow holding up his hand with index finger extended. The story is that he tried to get a cab by offering one kopek and turned to stone. (Anon.)
In a small Russian town a long line stretched around the block outside the state food store. Way back in the queue one Russian exploded in anger. "That's it," he bellowed. "I've had it with all the lining up for everything. Our system doesn't work. Andropov is in town today and I'm going to go give him a piece of my mind." With that he stalked off.
An hour later he is back. "Well, asked a friend, Did you tell Andropov off?"
"I couldn't," the man sputtered, The line was too long." (George Calland-Scoble in Reader's Digest)
When Andropov arrived at the Pearly Gates, he was welcomed by St. Peter. "Make yourself comfortable. I just have to take care of some details downstairs and I'll be right back," said St. Peter.
So Andropov, looking around, noted a great many clocks, each with hands that were turning at different speeds. When St. Peter returned, Andropov asked about them.
"Well, each of those clocks symbolizes a country of the world, and each speed represents the rates at which human rights are being violated," answers the Saint.
"Oh, so where is our Soviet clock?" asks the curious Andropov.
"Ah, yes, the Soviet clock," began St. Peter. "That one often comes in handy. Right now it's being used as a fan in the kitchen." (Debra Weyman in Reader's Digest)
A Russian goes to the official government car dealer, selects a new care and puts his money down. The dealer says he can deliver the car in ten years.
"Morning or afternoon?" asks the buyer.
"In ten years, what's the difference?" asks the dealer.
"Because," the man replies, "the plumber is coming in the morning." (told by Ronald Reagan)
An older Moscow resident enters a local grocery and asks for three pounds of beef, a pound of butter, a can of coffee and some tomatoes.
"He's senile. Don't pay any attention," the grocer tells another customer, as he ushers the elder out the door.
"He may be senile," exclaims the second customer, "but what a memory!" (Quoted by Richard Perle in U.S. News & World Report)
As in America, most Russian hotels have a TV in every room. The difference is that in Russia the set watches you. (Milton Segal)
Everybody is interested in the possibilities of color television except the Russians. They're still trying to prove that black is white. (Bob Hope)
USSR: Union of Silently Swallowed Republics. (Fred Ottinger)
Question: What is Communism?
Answer: Communism, the cause that depresses. (Paul Steiner)
Answer: A totalitarian state, where everything that is not forbidden is compulsory. (Ray D. Everson)
Answer: The shortest route from the cradle to the grave. (Quote)
Q: What is a Communist?
Answer: A person who has abandoned hope of becoming a capitalist.
Answer: One who borrows your pot to cook your goose in.
Russian school teacher: "Who were the first human beings?"
Pupil: "Adam and Eve."
Teacher: "And what nationality were they?"
Pupil: "Russian, of course."
Teacher: "And how do you know they were Russian?"
Pupil: "They had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear, and only one apple to eat between them - and even that was forbidden - and they still called it Paradise." (A. Mayer in National Examiner, Montreal)
If the Russians were really so proud of their Communist experiment, they would take down the Iron Curtain and put in a picture window. (Alex Dreier, quoted by Larry Welters, Chicago Tribune-New York News Syndicate)
On a Moscow street a resident has two pails, one empty and the second filled with potatoes. He keeps pouring the potatoes from one pail to the other, seemingly very satisfied with his work.
"But nothing has changed," a visitor objects.
"Ah yes," the Russian agrees, but what a noise it creates!" (Hedrick Smith in New York Times Magazine)
We've finally determined what is meant by the hammer and sickle on the Russian flag. The sickle is to mow 'em down and the hammer is to keep 'em that way. (Viking Vacuum)
In an earlier time, three Czech political prisoners, who found themselves in the same Russian cell, started getting acquainted.
"They arrested me for being against Slansky," said the first.
"That's rich. They arrested me for being for Slansky," said the second.
Both turned to their companion, whose eyes were downcast to the floor. "What about you?" one asked.
"I'm Slansky," he replied.
Communist country: Where they name a street after you one day and chase you down the next. (H&B Bulletin)
Comrade Dobrinski, at a Party meeting, got up from his seat and asked, "Comrade Leader, I have three questions. If we are the greatest industrial nation in the world,what has happened to our automobiles? And, if we have the best agriculture in the world, what has happened to our bread? And, if we are the greatest cattle raisers in the world, what has happened to our meat?"
The Party chairman stared at Comrade Dobrinski for a moment, then declared, "It is too late to reply to your questions tonight. I will answer them at our next meeting."
When the next meeting opened the following week, a different Party member rose and asked, "What has happened to Comrade Dobrinski?" (Bill Leverette in "On Edgar Bergen's Lap", Peachtree Publishers)
Sign supposedly seen in Moscow election booth: "Vote Communist - the life you save may be your own!" (Louis Sobol)
You know you can say anything in Russia...once. (Air University Dispatch)
In Russia Mother Goose has been replaced by Poppa Ganda. (The Old Maid)
You have free speech in Russia, just like here. But here you have free speech after you speak too.
Minorities are very vocal in Russia. You just can't hear them from Siberia.
What's the difference between real Democracy and Communist "democracy"?
The same as between a jacket and a straightjacket.
What's the difference between Communism and Christianity?
While Christianity sometimes preaches poverty, Communism makes it a reality. (Konrad Seyferth in "The First One Who Giggles Is OUT")
Religion is set up a little differently in Russian than it is here. For instance, when you go to confession in the U.S., you come back out again. (Orben's Comedy Center)
President Reagan and Russia's Gorbachev were swapping jokes at a meeting in Geneva. Reagan boasted that an American could walk right into the White House, pound on the President's desk and say, "I don't like the way you are running the country." The Russian surprised the American by saying that a Russian could do the same thing - walk right into the Kremlin and tell Gorbachev, "I don't like the way Reagan is running his country." (U.S. News & World Report)
Q: Why are Canada and the United States able to send Russia so much wheat?
A: "Typical failure of capitalism - overproduction."
Q: What was the stupidest act committed in Russia in 1962?
A: Being shot into space, circling the earth 64 times, then landing back in Russia.
A bookseller hung a special sign in her window during Red Book Week, advertising four Russian books. She was arrested. The book titles, in order, read: "We Want to Live", "Far From Moscow", "In the Shadow of the Skyscrapers", "Under the Foreign Flag". (Unknown)
The dissident was condemned by the Russian judge to a Siberian work camp. "The sentence is too light," the dissident protested." "What do you mean?" asks the surprised judge. "Well, if America is so bad, why don't you send me there?" (Ronald Reagan)
Two Muscovites were talking. "What would you do if the Russian government opened the border so anyone could leave?" "I'd climb a tall tree." "What for?" "So I wouldn't get crushed in the crowd." (Boris Berelyand and Steve Bhaerman)
A refugee who had spent 22 months working in a Russian factory fled the country and landed a job with a Western construction company. On his first day at work the boss, being shorthanded, asked him if he would mind working a double shift, a 16- hour stretch, for a week. "Sixteen hours a day!" exclaimed the refugee. "What is this, part-time work?" (Anthony J. Pettito in Reader's Digest)
Few people would dispute the story that the Russians invented inventing. (F.Robert Becker)
Necessity being the mother of invention, it is amazing that the Russians haven't claimed the invention of mothers. (Eldon Pedersen)
"Oh, boy," cried the Russian inventor who had gotten hold of an American mail order catalog. "Look at all the wonderful new things to invent."
Russia invented the steam locomotive, then sent spies over here to find out our secret for what it was for. (Detroit News)
A factory worker noted it is impossible to do anything right in Russia. If a worker arrives five minutes early, he is accused of being a sabateur. If he is five minutes late, he is accused of betraying Socialism. If he arrives on time, everyone asks, "Where did you get the watch?"
It isn't easy being a drinker in Russia. For one thing, who ever heard of a Happy Hour in Russia? (Orben's Current Comedy)
There is a statue of Lenin in Moscow holding up his hand with index finger extended. The story is that he tried to get a cab by offering one kopek and turned to stone. (Anon.)
In a small Russian town a long line stretched around the block outside the state food store. Way back in the queue one Russian exploded in anger. "That's it," he bellowed. "I've had it with all the lining up for everything. Our system doesn't work. Andropov is in town today and I'm going to go give him a piece of my mind." With that he stalked off.
An hour later he is back. "Well, asked a friend, Did you tell Andropov off?"
"I couldn't," the man sputtered, The line was too long." (George Calland-Scoble in Reader's Digest)
When Andropov arrived at the Pearly Gates, he was welcomed by St. Peter. "Make yourself comfortable. I just have to take care of some details downstairs and I'll be right back," said St. Peter.
So Andropov, looking around, noted a great many clocks, each with hands that were turning at different speeds. When St. Peter returned, Andropov asked about them.
"Well, each of those clocks symbolizes a country of the world, and each speed represents the rates at which human rights are being violated," answers the Saint.
"Oh, so where is our Soviet clock?" asks the curious Andropov.
"Ah, yes, the Soviet clock," began St. Peter. "That one often comes in handy. Right now it's being used as a fan in the kitchen." (Debra Weyman in Reader's Digest)
A Russian goes to the official government car dealer, selects a new care and puts his money down. The dealer says he can deliver the car in ten years.
"Morning or afternoon?" asks the buyer.
"In ten years, what's the difference?" asks the dealer.
"Because," the man replies, "the plumber is coming in the morning." (told by Ronald Reagan)
An older Moscow resident enters a local grocery and asks for three pounds of beef, a pound of butter, a can of coffee and some tomatoes.
"He's senile. Don't pay any attention," the grocer tells another customer, as he ushers the elder out the door.
"He may be senile," exclaims the second customer, "but what a memory!" (Quoted by Richard Perle in U.S. News & World Report)
As in America, most Russian hotels have a TV in every room. The difference is that in Russia the set watches you. (Milton Segal)
Everybody is interested in the possibilities of color television except the Russians. They're still trying to prove that black is white. (Bob Hope)
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